Is it normal she's so negative?

The weekend went way too fast. I had a great time with my daughter and it was good to see her college friends. I am not sure why, but I woke this morning with that pit of dread in my stomach again. I am having a hard time getting my chores finished at home--my only day off. I have so much I want to accomplish, but "she" keeps pulling at my heart strings and my stomach feels like an anchor knot. I haven't even talked to her. I have sat down and rethought her money situation and making sure how much time she has to stay in AL. It still adds up to 15 to 17 years. What am I worried about? Not sure I am really asking for an answer, but just saying it out loud. I cannot keep doing this today. I feel like I am being sucked deeper and deeper by guilt. The guilt that I am in charge of her money and guilt for not doing what she wants me to do (as I always have).

My daughter made an excellent point while we had 3 hours in the car together. I was telling her about the guilt she puts on me and how she lies about what is going on at AL.--I do believe some of it, but most of it is lies. My daughter stated to me, "Mom, she wants you to fix it, therefore if she makes it out to be good, you WON"T fix it"...genius I must say. I really hope today gets more productive for me and I can stop thinking about her and her affairs and her misery. It makes me miserable and I am NOT a miserable person.

I hope everyone else is doing great!

Jewel, so glad you had a great time this weekend! And now you have a guilt hangover :(. I think that's probably part of the process of learning new mind sets and attitudes. It's another bad habit we have, to automatically feel guilty for living our own lives. We have to concentrate on replacing those guilty feelings with more positive ones. Have a wonderful week!

Jewel - What can I say but just STOP IT? Guilt is pointless. You are doing everything right.

You have to stop working for this mythical mind mother who never stops giving you orders, never stop criticizing, and never shuts up. This kind of thing will make you crazy. For real.

Ground yourself in the reality of this moment, right now. Listen to the quiet and stop letting this imaginary voice in your head narrate on top of the quiet.

You're going to have to develop your own imagery and do exercises quite often to shut it down and keep it shut. Maybe picture yourself slamming an iron door on it. This door is so big and thick that no noise gets through. There are no cracks in it. It's completely solid and is connected to a wall that goes all the way around you forever. Or something!

Replace that noise from that sad, pathetic mind-mother, with positive loving statements. It's going to be OK. It's under control. I'm doing a great job (because you are). I am strong enough to get on top of these thoughts. When things change, I will be able to handle it just fine. I'm doing an amazing job with this. I should be lucky to have somebody like me handling my affairs one day. You really do have to say this stuff out loud to yourself.

I think your guilt is probably other things in reality as well, such as anxiety the money won't hold out. Fear the situation could change unexpectedly. Anxiety that something will happen you have no plan for, no information about, and no resources to point the way. Etc.

If you can unpack your guilt and take it apart into these other separate feelings, you can deal with every single one of them and I promise it will help.

Hi guys! UPDATE..... mum was discharged from hospital last thursday i couldnt go and get her like i wanted to as i had an apt in the city SO my useless brother went to pick her up so still today i know nothing as ive been away all wkend hiding out as my sister was here looking after mum!

when i went to see mum last wednesday she told me that the she told the doc that i was always telling her she had "dementia". I just dont know where this came from as never have i mentioned this to her???????? something is up and im getting to the bottom of it. Either someone in the hospital said this to her OR my stupid brother said something to her??? also she told docs that im always shouting at her ? im never home? and that i am always buying cakes and things?? she is telling them she collapsed from stress????? i am so done with this crap and am now going to get hold of her shrink which isnt easy to do as shes only one day a month in this town?

Mum was never a liar but its getting out of hand now as im been blamed for everything a nurse just rang and wanted to speak to mum i asked what is was about and she said ive been asked NOT to speak to you??

God only knows whats going on OR what mums been saying but i am so done now illness or not these lies are getting out of hand and someone had better start to wake up and start listening to me.

as far as i know a nurse is supposed to be coming in to check mums bloods 3 x times a week?? then what? do they really think that mum is going to change her ways?

I told my sister that she goes into a home where shes safe and meds monitored OR im leaving sister AGREED this cant go on! Bingo! sister finally waking up! sister was here all wkend and DIDNT go out with friends how could she mum was still weak and needed looking after so i bet sis was pissed off. So yes maybe now shes starting to see that if and when she comes home SHE will have no time to enjoy herself!!
I am sitting here waiting for a nurse to come? i cant get much sense out of mum she said she was coming today?

Its a disgrace that noone has contacted me to let me know whats going on? so now i must get to the bottom of this by contacting everyone to do with her! Her doc is away on hols so i have to wait to see him? Really i think NOW its time the professionals take over this as im drained and am finding it hard to function with anything.

I had ten days respite from mum but felt very sick last night at the thoughts of returning here of course she started going on about my cat and how good my brother and sister were to her at wkend???

Oh just put me to sleep until its all over! I feel nothing but anger right now and know this cant go on as it is mums lies are becoming scary she thinks she can fool everyone please god this will be resolved soon?

Mum dosnt look well at all and i know now that the dementia will start to progress faster now as she wasnt taking her diabetic meds. I know next time this will be fatal if she dosnt get the help she needs. What can i do? except scream at docs and tell them to wake up? I really thought we would have been called in and told the only solution now is a home?? guess not as long as they think shes competent and im living with her shes not seen as a risk??

Hugs to all will get to read whats been happening with you guys but right now i want to scream im so mad AGAIN im been blamed for mums health issues this time shes gone too far!

I am just going to keep out of her way as much as i can. Today she speaks to me like the hired help. You need to do this and that. It takes alot to stop you "running" out the door. NEVER would she speak to my sister like this OR my brother? but hey ho kept praising how good they were to her at wkend and yes probably LOVING the attention such a shame its takes her to collapse before brother spends time with her????

kazzaa, some of us were "blessed" with difficult parents. The only response to this is have honest conversations with people around and let them know the things being said are fabrications. Maybe then you can tell them that because your mother seems to have such animosity towards you that it may be best if someone else assumes care for your mother. To your mother, the things she is saying have most likely become true in her mind. It is one of the things I hate most about dementia overlaid on a difficult personality. Someone is to blame, and woe to the hapless person who is the object of the blame.

I know you're in a vulnerable position. The only thing I can figure is to try to extricate yourself from it, first emotionally, then physically. What works for me most of the time is to approach it like I am a professional. That is good and bad. It is good because I can keep taking care of my mother. It is bad because it puts a blanket on any feelings and have and smothers them. I don't like that, but it is better than being hurt or angry all the time.

I get so envious when I read the things from people who have loving mothers. I wish it was like that here. I know you wish the same thing. We just do the best we can do with circumstances that most people can't understand. This weekend I did something I haven't done before. Mom was in her hyper-sick mode, all wrapped up and looking like she would pass at any moment. It is very worrisome. The thing is that she has been "dying" every day since I've been here, so I never know what to do. When my brothers come, she gets dressed and acts semi-normal -- major showtiming. Brothers never get a look at what I see every day. So I took a picture. I really don't plan to show it to them, but it made me feel better just knowing that I had something validating what I see.

What is remarkable is how we stay sane. Personally I've been crazy all my life. I'll probably be totally loony toons on the other side.

Thanks jesse! well physio nurse was just here told mum she HAS to move around and get walking or else?? she brought mum off for a small walk with her walker which shes had for 2mths now and refuses to be seen with it!! Anywhoo mum said she promised her OTHER daughter shed go for a walk everyday??? thankgod the nurse said "your daughter is not here to keep an eye on you so you do this for yourself and not your daughter who dosnt even live here" mum then said my sister was great with her as she "dosnt nag me" she said I always nag her?? nurse said well its not nagging when she is trying to get you to walk shes only trying to help you! nurse had a word with me and said " i think we are waisting our time with her its just not going in". So good someone is seeing whats happening here! AGAIN mum blaming me for even her NOT WALKING! oh god help me!

The thoughts of mum losing it with siblings is just not going to happen as shes too good an actress she has this showtiming down to a tea! and im passed caring anymore.

I will ring my sister tonight and im sure she will say she was fine all wkend?? I just wish mum would completely lose it with her just for once so she can see what its like? But no sis has done her bit now and wont be seen again until xmas?

My brother is in so much denial about her dementia that i think he told mum that i was saying she has dementia? if he did this then i have to get a shrink to talk to him what an idiot i mean what does he want? he has to see she is not registering info? My brother bought mum 2 very expensive books re diabetes and low carb diets?? he cannot see that its like giving these books to an ape? mum cannot reason and dosnt understand carbs and shit! mum got angry today as ive cut her bread down to breakfast only SO you see how giving her these books is useless does he think shes now going to get fit and healthy and cut out carbs and sugar at 77rys old with dementia? i just give up and think he needs a shrink to talk to him!

Jesse we have the same mums illness and personality BUT im done now cant do this anymore want to be her daughter again and not her punching bag so i am seeing the director of the home soon. Mum will die soon if shes not taken into care she is still even after collapsing and ending up in hospital refusing to let me monitor her meds so great this nurse who is calling will see that the only solution is a NH. I cant believe her stubborness and again we are back to arguing am just so sick of it. Says shes taking her meds properly and how would i know as im NEVER HERE?

If she praises my bro and sis one more time today im going to scream! as my sis did such a great job with her i will tell her to give up her cushy life and come home and look after her!

For now im saine i think? if i have to put up with this bad behaviour for much longer i will lose my mind!

Have to go since ive been typing mum is nagging at me to vacuum the house YEH good old sis cooked but never cleaned up so i came home to a mess so unfair! I am just an unpaid slave here and mums manipulation is getting worse in her mind i will NEVER leave her!

Guilt hangover...love it. I believe you are so on target, looloo. Sandwich, I am unpacking the guilt. You are correct, my mom is a voice in my head and I need to shut it up and keep it out of my head. Today, I went to the bank (for I missed placed my debit card) :( and one of the girls asked about my mom. I was telling her bits and pieces and she said let me show you something. She showed me a picture from FB that someone posted about church at the AL and look who was attending---MY MOTHER!!! To beat it all, she had a big smile on her face. I laughed and my friend said, now you see it for yourself. I will never tell my mom what I saw, but just knowing is enough. She will lie about going. Kazzaa, I know what you mean about the lies. My mom does the same thing. I feel since you have been taking care of her the most, she is taking it out on you. She has only had your siblings around for a short time and of course, they are doing everything right. It's ok and don't fret that part.(I know easier said than done)..They get the glory and you get the crap. I don't have siblings, but my mom did the same thing about my aunt taking care of my grandmother. She would always make comments about what good care she was getting from my aunt. That was just a put down for me. Like my daughter stated, if they make it look good, we won't fix it. Let them do it for a while. Take a rest and let them carry the burden. I wish I had someone to give it to because I would. You do not need to be the one ALL the time. Let it go and know they will do a good job. If they don't, oh well. Take some time out for yourself. Not sure what you like to do, but find something to free your mind. Go on a mini vacation to the beach or a favorite town. It seems the farther I can get away, the better I feel. Even being 3 hours away this weekend, was so freeing for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and the laughter. I love reading your comments. It does help. I love a good laugh.

jeweltone sooooooo funny!! do you see how she gets caught out? even your mum cant escape FB! oh love it! Yeh they think they are so clever and they can make us feel so guilty!

I gave up feeling guilty a long time ago its wasted energy! i cannot let myself feel guilty for her having a mental illness its not my fault. The question i have to ask myself is can i continue to look after her knowing this illness will get worse? and no i cant im drained emotionally and mentally i look like a bag lady and need to stop and take care of me now. Five years is a long time to put your life on hold i just dont know where my life is heading and ive just turned 49yrs on sat makes you even more depressed another year another birthday and here we go again?

Mum went for a walk to the end of the road tonight?? she promised my sister? I just GIVE UP!

Good, let her walk with your sister. That is one more thing you do NOT have to do. Jump up and down! Celebrate! Celebrate that the higher being is hearing your calls for help. I do realize that you have done this for so long that you still feel that no one can do it like you! You are the one she depended on and so therefore you are still needing to be needed. I totally get it. At this very moment, take a really deep breath in through your nose and let it out slow through your mouth. Now, say, "Thank you, Lord for hearing my calls for help". Let your sister and your brother take over for a bit, maybe even a long bit. What ever they will do, let them do it. If you keep trying to fill the shoes, they will walk away and let you have it back.

49 is so young, anything under dead is young I say. I am 46 soon to be 47 and I too feel I have lost a few years. The wind blew us here and let's sail the rough sea. This too shall pass and we will be smooth sailing when the wind blows us there. Let's trust it will not be long. I also dread calling my mom, but I am waiting until the middle of the week. Some days it just seems to hard to bare and some days feel like a breeze.--I get more hard than breezy but I cherish the days I can smile and enjoy the day.

I think I am going to exercise and relieve more stress from this morning. My shoulders are tight and burning and my mind is still cluttered. "Clutter in the Mind is nothing more than postponing decisions" --sounds like us! Ha! Have a great evening!

Hi all, I don't post much because I am still in the beginning stages...my mom has been a martyr for years, but it would feel so good to vent right now, so here goes: so, I make my morning call to my mom today. I've got my coffee, it's a beautiful morning, but she has things she obsesses about each day and tells me every time:

1. Can't sleep because she worries about everything. Poo-poos any suggestions of getting help or talking to someone. I've suggested sleep aids, even natural ones like chamomile tea but she explained to me that since she lives alone she can't be "too asleep"... in case someone breaks in. But then I wouldn't understand that because I'm married, she reminds me. (Um, I lived many years alone in an apartment so I know what it's like.) She won't go talk to anyone, either, because she thinks that would be useless.

2. The post on her newspaper box is loose. My husband looked at it on Labor Day, and said he would have to bring back tools with him to fix, and that we would need a fence tool. She complained again today that she's been waiting for my husband on this topic for three months, and that her neighbor down the street "just put his in, just like that!". Said she guesses she just can't count on him for that. So, I said, "perhaps he would know best then, Mom, on how to install the newspaper box." (Knowing full well that my husband, an engineer and chief tinkerer absolutely knows how to do it.) But she needs it done NOW, don'tcha know.

3. The paint is peeling on her front window and she doesn't know how she's going to get it done. She said she doesn't know anyone to help her, how can she get help. (Hint, hint.)

Mind you, she is saying this to get a reaction from me. Not just any reaction, but one like, "Mom, we'll be down as soon as possible to take care of all this!" We live over two hours away, and it's just not easy to take off and run down there whenever. Especially since my husband's contract job recently ended so we are pinching pennies on gas. We do visit her but not every weekend.

4. My brother hasn't contacted her for awhile, probably because they just moved from a condo to a home and he has his hands full with two little ones and maintenance on the new property. She has to remind me that he never sends her photos of the girls. That's because she hasn't made an effort to be in their lives, so he has backed off. Can't blame him. But it's not her fault, she claims it's my dad's fault because he left her 25 years ago!

5. Fear of nursing home. Every time a friend mentions that they visited someone at a nursing home she is quick to tell me how awful nursing homes are and that she would rather be shot than go to one.

I try to be patient and kind, but I refuse to be manipulated. I cannot believe that someone can be like that and turn around and say, "well, I'm not that kind of a person, I care about everyone and look where it's got me." She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, you know. I love her but I know she is human and she has made mistakes, too. Too bad she has an unrealistic mindset. And to those who think we are bad kids, my mom took care of me when I was growing up, but after being berated for 25 years over her divorce, I should get a medal for even continuing to talk to her and check on her. No one else would endure it. But I don't have to be sucked in to her misery. I refuse to. We will help, but within reason.

So, 3 cups of coffee and 6 cookies later, I remind myself that I will turn 50 in 6 months, and I am looking forward to it. I know, just a pup. Life has so much to offer and I have always had a good attitude. But sometimes, when I say my prayers at night, I ask God to give me more patience and strength, because I wonder if this is going to affect my health in the long run...and we aren't even into a true caregiver scenario yet! As another member commented the other day..."shields up!". So true. Quite honestly, I'm getting close to telling her that I won't be able to call her every day. That'll go over well...not.

Everyone have a great day and thank you for reading my ramblings.

Additionally, am thinking of opening an online coffee shop called the Grumbling Grounds. When you "walk in the door" it's fair game to grumble, but you have to mention something positive before you "leave"! Today I'm excited that my husband has a job interview.

Multipass - we are all in that boat with you. Have an oar. We'll row together.

I can safely say that I spent the better part of the past 20 years unnecessarily worrying about my mother. She would have me so stressed out I couldn't enjoy anything. I felt sick with it. I was sleepless for years. It was 100% b.s. cow manure. I should have been using that time out dancing with sailors.

Go get/borrow Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother.

When dealing with a narcissist, one must develop very thick boundaries and learn to ignore the temper tantrums. This takes practice & work, but it does get easier.

An awful lot of us here have Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorder parents, particularly mothers. We have all been there, are there now, and support each other as much as possible. Those Cluster B Personality Disorders will suck the life out of everybody in 100 miles. I have to think this is what JK Rowling based her Dementors on - a narcissistic mother!

**HUGS**

jewltone. my sister lives in paris so she was just here for a wkend so no chance of getting her to take over! also a stupid brother down the road who only called on mum at wkend as sis was home so she cant say he didnt call! yeh its all BS really each trying to con the other!
am so done with siblings sis couldnt talk last night as she was "tired" oh fck off!

jeweltone is it possible for you to just go and see mum and just laugh?? i mean it stop letting her make you feel guilty youve gone above and beyond caring for her and lets face it she wasnt "mother of the year". Now that you know shes putting on an act for you to make you feel like crap try and look at her as a big joke! agree with her then leave and laugh your head off!
I am now just experiencing mums bad behaviour and lies but mum was never like this before well not a liar but always a manipulator! I couldnt give a hoot about mums lies its docs and nurses and siblings who make my blood boil believing the nonsense! Mums crap i can handle i find it scary but kinda funny that she thinks shes being clever what a way to live eh? trying to pretend youre normal around siblings gotta be hard work!!! I try to pretend im normal around people when im cracking up inside so yeh i can see how hard these elders have to work it!!

jeweltone treat yourself to a massage my sister got me a voucher for a beauty salon im getting a "luxury microdermabrasion facial" hoping it will melt away the last five years of stress on my face!

OHHHHHH so sick to death of people telling me how well my sister looks give me a bucket!!!! cleaning lady says gosh she dosnt look 46 and what a great figure she has etc........... then the carer?? i lost it and said "why the fck wouldnt she look good?" pots of money cushy job and ten wks paid holidays no kids no stress and can come and see mum once or twice a year while the other 8wks are spent abroad in exotic places! OMG please do not tell me again how well my sister looks for her age ITS CRUEL! also makes me feel like im a bag lady but i am! i used to glam up just going into town make-up the lot! NOW joggings and a quick hairbrush and im good to go?????? i know got to get out of this RUT! but any carers i know look like crap and older than thier years? I have to try and make an effort but i dont want my fab clothes to smell of PEE and POOP!!

sandwich42 so funny i must get this book "youre not crazy its your mother" better find a good hiding place though! do you know the author? i have a friend in the library who can get me any book i want to borrow!

I think seriously that Sandwich AND jeweltone should each write a book about thier experiences funny but crazy! why read books when you can write your own and make a few dollars i know we all here would buy it!!

I will write a book one day about my dysfunctional family! i always said id wait though until mum and dad had passed! its all up here just have to get it to pen and paper! may sell in the fiction section though as i dont think anyone would believe the crap in our families!

Multipass: Welcome! Vent away. My mom always does the same thing about my husband, she always says she can't count on him or he must be too busy. Well, he is, he works two jobs and owns his own business. just like your mom, my mom always has an excuse when I give a suggestion about something. Hang in there. Someone told me once to NEVER pray for patience therefore you will be provided with patience to continue to deal with it. I STOPPED praying for patience when it comes to my mom--just a hint. It really made since after they told me. I too pray for the strength and courage to get me through it. Yes, your health too will be compromised so start now saying no, can't today, sorry about that..you did a great job telling her to get the neighbor to fix it. It took me 3 years to say something like that..well, actually 46.

Sandwich, good advice!! Kazzaa, I wish I could write, maybe one day I will write and make money off my crazy mother...ha! That would be the biggest blessing and my pay in double as we are promised! I am so happy that you got a voucher to get a facial...you MUST do that more often. Get a massage and a facial to wipe away the stress, I love it! I think I will join you. People used to tell me I looked younger than my age, but recently no one has said anything. I have a complex...not really, but it does age us--the stress that is. The big black hole that sandwich reminded us that we live in. It has sucked me in tight and you are sucked in too. It is so easy for us to tell each other what is wrong and what to do about it, why can't we practice what we preach?!? No kidding, we all need to read what we write. Get a facial, get a massage, go on vacation, go to the beach, WOW! Look at that. Do you know how much better we would feel if we took our own advice...I am truly laughing at myself while I am shaking my head "what is wrong with me?" I can't even do what I am telling you to do! :-)

My mom has had a lump come up at the base of her neck and she showed it to me on Friday. I called the doctor today to see if they can stop by and look at it. They will put her on their schedule so I called mom to tell her. She said, "which doctor?'" When I told her, she said, "I don't like that doctor". bahahaha! Imagine that? She don't like that doctor. I told her they would let us know when they can come. She tried to get out of it and I ignored it. I love how our conversations on the phone are getting shorter and shorter because she never "likes" what I have to say. Ha Ha! Now she just says ok and hangs up. Makes my night better. The one thing I am still having trouble with is a movie I really want to see is coming out this weekend. I have a couple of friends that we all have birthdays close and we all go to the movies for our birthdays. One can go Friday, one can go Saturday and only can all three of us go on Sunday. Guess what Sunday is? Yep, you guessed it--mother day!! My problem is, I can't do her hair on Saturday we have another wedding to attend, I work Friday, so Sunday it is. I am so bummed. Even though I AM still going to the movies with them, I have to worry about getting out of there to meet them at the movies. I want to be able to do what I want without her wrath. One way I can look at it though would be-- After a day of you know what, I can relax at the end of the day with friends at the movies.--Okay, you talked me in to it! :-)

Repeat after me-- Dear Stress, Let's break up!

Jewel.....don't tell mom you have to leave to see a movie. Just state when you get there that you have to leave by x o'clock. And then do it. No explanation needed.

Be prepared to hear how unimportant she knows she is, blah blah blah. Tune it out and get on down the road.

My mom did this too. Do NOT take the bait to explain yourself or justify why you have to stay on schedule. Sorry mom, I gotta fly now.

jewel - sounds like some things are moving in the right direction. sandwich is right - give as little info as possible

Hadn't talked to my mother in a while. and the social worker said she waned me to call her, so I did. We reviewed her clothing and what she needed and what I was doing about it. Gary, bless him, said we could go to the storage unit and get out her winter coat and I will see if can find a sweater without having to unpack everything. She started getting on her high horse abut how badly this was being managed, and that she wanted ALL her sweaters. So I asked her if she wanted someone other than me to do this. She calmed right down.

What she doesn't seem to appreciate is that it costs me up to $1000 every time I go down there and stay in a hotel. Then to get stuff out of storage I have to get over to the storage unit with Gary when he is free, because I cannot manage the stuff myself, get her stuff out and get it over to her at the hospital. And that is only the $ cost. There are also personal costs - stress, time, energy etc. At my age mother was travelling, doing exactly what she wanted and was caring for no one but herself. I tried to tell her that I had been sick for about 3 months so had been slower than I would have been in getting some things done, and she wouldn't hear it. She talked right over me. Another time if I really feel I need her to hear it, I will tell her to be quiet and listen to me because what I have to say is important!

Finally she got more reasonable. I said I was doing the best I could and she agreed with that and that was a good place to end the phone call.

Next time she says she might be dead before she gets her coat or her sweaters, I have 2 come backs - 1) well you won't need them then will you. or 2) I could die before you before you get them too.

I hate the bullying - never did take well to that. She tells people I am being difficult when I don't do exactly what she wants when she wants it. She and my sis have had these discussions for years, Kaz, you are not alone on that one. In fact, sis has gone behind my back and told stories to mother to cause trouble all my life as well as having these lengthy put down sessions with mother about me or other people .

I will, as best as can, without hurting myself, see that mother has what she needs and some of what she wants. But I will not put up with cr*p from her or my sis. When I asked her if she wanted someone else to do it, I meant it. I will take the breaks from seeing her, or talking to her, or doing things for her that I need. Has to be that way. If she doesn't like it, too bad, nothing new - what ever you do there is something she doesn't like.

Happy Wednesday! Oh. My. Goodness. I totally predicted how our conversation would go today. So, at least my mom asks me how I'm doing, but then gets right to the point about her newspaper box being fixed, saying that she was worn out from driving around yesterday from store to store (Walmart and Tractor Supply) looking for solutions. I told her that my husband asked her to confirm if the newspaper box was on a metal post that has been nailed to a wooden post, as he said he could have been mistaken. She said no, then later said she's not sure, but then said, never mind, that it's too much trouble for my husband and that her neighbor is going to look at it. I fired back, "Great! Sounds like you've got a plan." She didn't like that so much, no. She went into her speech about how much she's done for me and that she doesn't ask for much. So, I told her that I've done a lot for her over the years, too and asked "What's your point? You are obviously trying to make one." She even once again had another story about someone being injured in a nursing home. Her obsession over that is over the top. What she wants to hear is, "I'll never put you in a nursing home." Well, sometimes that is the only option for people. She also told me she hopes "I'm not dumped on" like she was and left holding the bag. I told her that if I were ever "dumped on" I would not be a martyr and that I would not hold onto more than I can handle (like a large home and property). Pretty simple. Someone advised me to not pray for patience, but courage along with strength. So right. I don't need to be patient with her anymore, just firm and resolute. You would think that she would be more considerate than to talk about all this garbage before I go into my job. But, hey, writing in this forum releases all the tension! "For fast-acting relief, try slowing down." - Lily Tomlin. Have a great day, All!

No worries, girls, I would never tell her I am going to the movies. I try to hold back all information, I do make up stuff as needed. It never matters, when I have to leave I always get the blunt of things. I am learning to be ok with it. Emjo, I am glad you are able to lessen contact, I know that helps with the stress during the day. I also know you still worry about her, but take care of yourself. Our mothers do not understand the monetary strain it puts on us, that not just being money. My mom thinks I just sit home all day and do nothing. When I tell her I just got home from work, she will say, "I will trade places with you". That sounds great!--I will go to AL let someone wait on me, bring my meals, wash my clothes, clean my apartment, and demand her to do what I want!! How does that sound? She wouldn't last a day trying to please me. That is one thing my mom never did was to please me. She did what she wanted and how she thought it should be. Grant it, my parents worked hard to provide me with nice "things"..A nice home, car, clothes, and just about anything I asked for. The only thing I really wanted was my mom to be a kind, gentle, loving person. She thought bearing gifts and having name brand clothes, the best of everything was enough. She thought if your house was perfect, you looked perfect, then it was perfect.. My mom too will always remind me of all the things she has given me and that she did a lot for me. I want to say to her, yes, I agree, I had a nice life when it came to "things", but where were you 10 years ago when I broke my foot and my kids needed to get to school and my friends were going to the grocery for my family and cleaning my house because I couldn't. where were you when I fell ill in 2009 and had to be hospitalized and my husband works two jobs and got my son to baseball games, practice, and took care of me. Where were you when I gave birth to my kids, you came to the hospital one time and you would come to visit, but never lifted a hand to help out. I could go on and on, but I truly am not holding that grudge because I am not that person--if I were, I wouldn't be helping her now. I am just making a point. She is a piece of work. Now, she wants me to think I don't do enough. Hog wash!

I have really vented this morning, not my intentions, but I sure do feel better. :-)

Multi, you are correct, you can never say you will never put her there. I always tell my mom, I am doing my best not to put her in the NH, I tell her that is the last option and I will hold out as long as I can. We never know what life will bring us, so don't make promises we can't keep. I have learned so much over the past few years and still have a lot to learn.

Some people would never be happy regardless of where they live - if things don't go their way. My mom says, "I need to be near my children." If she lives with us, guaranteed within one day she will be fuming in her bedroom refusing to talk to either of us, simply because something didn't quite go her way. She would be miserable and make us miserable with her constant reminders of how our family is gone because of our father (25 year ago). Not going to go there. I love my mom, but I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. I will do my best to help her, but she is responsible for her destiny. She tells me I'm being difficult when I say things she doesn't want to hear. (Um, the truth.) Listening to our parent's negativity is all very draining at times. So to all of you who are being good to yourselves, BRAVO! Take those yoga classes, have a massage, grab a pizza with your sweetie, or enjoy "la dolce far niente", or "the sweetness of doing nothing."

Multi, Jewel, Sandwich, Emjo -- you all are continuing to give me a boost, help me see things clearly, and make me laugh! For probably about a month now, since I haven't had contact with my mother, things seem to have found their groove a bit. Even my relationship (strong word, but it's somewhat accurate) with her neighbor is going ok, talking with her on the phone and emailing. My mother has had her regular checkup with her new primary care physician, and will be going to her neurologist in a few weeks. Her 2 home care people seem reliable and my mother tolerates them (maybe even likes them?! She wouldn't admit it to me if she did). Anyway, I feel like a competent, somewhat confident ADULT for the first time maybe ever.
Next week, I will be driving down for the first time since late July, and I'll be timing things so that I'll be there while she's at a dentist appointment. I'm not telling her or her neighbor that I'm coming, and hope her neighbor doesn't see me. If she does, no big deal, I just prefer not to interact (and I don't entirely trust her NOT to tell my mother I was there--she is a bit scatterbrained herself at times). I'll be there to get the remainder of her checks, and to get the keys to the safe deposit box. Last week her neighbor informed me that my mother had managed to mail a check to her insurance company, even though we told her over and over again that everything is auto-paid and up to date. I've checked online, and nothing's showing up yet, so maybe this isn't true. But I think it's time to "grab the bull by the horns" and do this. She rarely writes checks, so I'm hoping she won't notice EVER, but will deal with it if she does. As for the safe deposit keys, this is something that has been irritating me personally -- that, when the time comes, I'll be expected to go on a quest for the keys before I'm able to handle any business. So hopefully I'll find them pretty quickly, stop by the bank, make copies of all important documents, and bring everything home with me. And if all goes well, I'll be scooting in and out without her ever knowing :)
Even tasks like this do still wake me up in the middle of the night. It did last night. Just anxiety that everything will go ok, plotting all my maneuvers, etc. I decided that I'd call the dentist's office to make sure she's there before I go up to the house, and was able to go to sleep after figuring that out. There is still so much dread and anxiety at the thought of dealing with her, but it's gotten so much better.
Have a wonderful, peaceful day everyone!

Looloo, you are also doing a great job hanging in there. Getting this business done is and should be top priority right now. Who knows where she might send a check or even miss place those keys. Do it now and that will be one more thing checked off your list. I still need to do some business to protect my mom's assets and money but that dread and guilt keeps me from it. I am like you she may find out and then what? No need to worry about that. You are doing it all for her own good in the end. Multi: I thought the same thing, mom living with me--I ALMOST did it. I almost built a home and moved her in. I am so glad I didn't. It would be miserable. She did ask me the other day, what if they hadn't built this place--AL. I said the nursing home is the only option here, mom, and so therefore, I am glad they built this place. She didn't like my answer, but there is NO way she could live here. I won't even offer her for a visit. I used to and the answer was no, but now I don't ask her to come visit, because I may not get her back. She would be miserable here too like she is everywhere she goes. It is not a good idea to move your mom in. I once thought that was not a nice thing to say, but now I am in those shoes and I see it just can't work.

I NEED HELP NOW! mum threw one of her tantrums again yesterday turns out my brother the idiot told her that i said she has dementia? i cant believe he said this? now mum has turned nasty and called my brother up to kick me out? mum would rather see me on the street than my brother and sister to think shes losing it? i am now in a desperate situation as ive no money and really nowhere to go? mum is loving the attention and says all i do is tell lies about her? my brother is in complete denial and is siding with mum even though hes never here and has nothing to do with her care. I am shaking now as i have no choice but to move out i have a friend down the road but hate asking her? please god i can stay with her?
I am just in shock that family could do this to me but i know see my brother has had an agenda he says when i leave he will move in with his wife? mum hates his wife and i had to have her kicked out years ago as she was stealing from mum?
I think mum would rather her son and this wife than go into a home? so what can i do to protect her now?
I will contact her docs tomorrow but i think i am better to walk away now as the stress is too much and siblings turning against me? brother in UK is in a state and says well if he cant see how mum is not right in the head then leave easy to say when ive nowhere to go to?
I will never forgive my mum for this and if she wants me out after caring for her for five years here then i will never see her again.
i feel used and betrayed this is how family treat you instead of working together to support mum.
She really is losing it now and seems to be loving all the attention that brother is giving her?
I will have no choice but to leave i am in such a bad way and my only hope now is her docs?
ANY advice now would be grateful!
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Katz, I'm so sorry about this. Thinking just from a point of "what now", why don't you take maybe 1/2 hour or an hour, and go for a walk to clear your head. Then call your friend and see if you can stay for a few nights maybe? Then call your decent brother and ask him for help--financial, a place to stay, employment, whatever he can do, ask him to help you figure it out.
I'd not have contact with your mother, your other brother and his wife for the time being. Maybe inform your. Mother's docs that there's tremendous family dysfunction and upheaval at the moment, but to please keep you informed.
And see what the next few days, and weeks, bring. Again, I'm so sorry. Hugs.

Kazzaa, this may be your silent answer you have been looking for. Take this opportunity to find a place and get some rest from the abuse your mom has been giving all these years. You gave up your life to stay with her and now this may be your time to get it all back. It may be slow going at first, but you can do this. I am with looloo, take a break from it and clear your head, call your friend and it will all work out. Sometimes prayers are answered in the most "weird" ways. I see this as a perfect time to get the bleep out and run as fast as you can. I know your feelings are hurt and you feel so betrayed, but they will find out what she is like. Their time will come. Maybe after some time you can find a small job working in your favorite store or something you enjoy and get back on your feet. The wind has blown you out of that house so set the sail to happiness.

thanks jeweltone and yes this time im walking away I havnt eaten again and feel weak and just cant do this anymore.
mum called me a b*tch and said I deserved what my brother did to me? there and then I knew leave and don't come back.
yes they will see now but Ive had to move out with no money to get them to wake up to this its so unfair.

But youre right this has all happened for a reason and things have to get sorted either way?

mum was LOVING the drama scary but true as long as im the baddie and shes not crazy then shes happy!!

Hugs I will get through this from all the support on here do I want to see mum ever again I don't know im too angry to think but if I do see her it will be a visit nothing else!

Your feelings are real and scary. Don't ignore how you feel, but do see this as an opportunity in the thick of the forest. She is loving it thinking there is something wrong with you and not her. This is how a narcissistic person sees things. Know in your heart and soul you did everything you could do to help her and did everything in her best interest while losing yourself in the process--this my friend is called a selfless person, my dear, that is you.--Selfless. It is their turn to lose their selves in this realm of darkness. They may not have the conscience that you did and they may not be affected by all her nonsense like "we" are. Please note that is also okay. If she gets treated unfairly, then she sowed that seed a long time ago. You are NOT responsible for their behaviors and what they do with your mom. I do hear you say that ;you are worried about her and rightfully so. You have taken care of her and know her every quirk, meanness, hatefulness, and what she even likes for breakfast. It is time to let them figure all that out on their own. We are the nurturing kind or we wouldn't be in this situation. We tend to want to be in control to a degree to take care of others. Letting that go one baby step at a time will be the biggest burden lifted off of you. Find you again, be unavailable when they call for help. You will be blessed double for what you have taken on. Prayers and hugs!!

I am trying to be positive. Tonight I called my mom and the first thing out of her mouth.."Are you coming up tomorrow?" I said I will be there on Sunday. She went on about how her pills needed filling and I offered to come on up and fill them. Well, you don't need to do that she stated. I tried to ignore why I wasn't going on Saturday. she finally said, "what are you doing tomorrow that you cannot come" I told her a few things we had going on..we have a friend that lost a child to cancer and they are doing a memorial and a wedding to go to. She sat there and said, "you always have something to do while I sit up here shut up in this room". I told her I was sorry, but I would be there on Sunday. She started her crying and said, "I guess there's nothing I can do about it"..I just said no there's not. She said, "you don't even care either"...I told her, just because I have something to do doesn't mean I don't care. Ok, then and she hung up. GUILT, GUILT GUILT...that is all it is...throw it like a baseball. I know I dread going on Sunday now. I will admit that for the past three weekends we have been busy with weddings, moving back to college, and other things. She just can't handle it alone. I sure wish I wasn't an only child. I wish she had friends or someone else to help out! Someone that she wants there I must say besides me. I cannot and will not give up my life because she is so miserable. My friend suggested I ask her to come to the memorial...hahaha, she would have an excuse not to go and I don't want to ruin my day trying to keep her satisfied.

Armour on! Guilt Shield up! Just need something to increase energy from being so exhausted from the guilt trip!

Good evening and hope you all have a great weekend.

Jeweltone, HANG IN THERE. Be strong - you are going to get through this! You're right - don't give up your life just because she can't go it alone. I go through the same exact scenario when my mom wants me there but I can't come down on a weekend. She wants to know why and although she claims to know that "I have my own life." (I think that's just another guilt ploy, too.) she says she cries all the time because she is so alone. As if "having your own life" is really wrong, somehow. At least that's how it comes across.

She keeps blaming the past for her present. Plus, her paranoia that we might be visiting with my dad just eats her up. So sad.

We can't change how they are, we can only change how we react to them. I am like an only child because my brother is in another state, so it's just me. You are not responsible for her happiness. That's what I have to tell myself. I wish my parents' marriage would have been successful, but that's between them, and it was my mom's decision 25 years ago not to really get on with her life after they divorced. She claims she did, but all she has done is stayed in the house that she and my dad had, and taken care of the property.

At one time she claimed that she did it for her children, to keep up the "homeplace". Well, neither my brother or I want to move back to our home town. Our lives are somewhere else now. You mother is being a martyr. No one else should come before her, in her mind. Just tell her you love her and be strong in your convictions. Your mom, like mine, is very good at manipulating. I still hate to say that about my mom, but once I figured it out, it makes sense. Funny thing is, she can give me good advice, but won't follow it herself! So, she lays on the guilt.

Jeweltone, this too shall pass. You are helping your mother and trying to do it reasonably. Not a darn thing wrong with it. Enjoy your Saturday, Shields UP Sunday, and do something nice when you get home on Sunday.