Is it normal she's so negative?

Jeweltone! Sorry? SORRY? SORRY??? What the beep beep blazes have you got to be sorry for??????

Don't you dare apologise to your mother for going to a memorial service ever again, you hear me?

Phewf. More calmly now.

Response of objective person on reading the "you always have something to do while I etc etc boohoohoo…" remark: "yes, mother. C'est la vie! Life goes on, eh."
Because, while one might be (and indeed is) sorry that your mother is not currently enjoying a happier and more fulfilling life, one is in no way responsible for it. And the KEY thing is - neither are you! You did not make your mother get elderly. You did not make her unhappy. And it is not your fault that you have not (yet) discovered the philosopher's cupcake that will transform her life into one of wine, roses and song.

So, I am sorry to have spat feathers at you. I know that the last thing you need is to feel that somebody else, heaven help us, might be criticising you. It's more in the way of just wishing to snap you out of that response to your mother's blame. I know I'm lucky in that my natural response to emotional blackmail is to make a face and say "oh [rude word] off" - I just can't stand the irrationality of it. And as for that "you don't even care" chaser - oh for heaven's sake. That's the point at which I would get extremely sarcastic, I'm afraid.

Your friend's suggestion was very kindly meant. It's a pity your mother couldn't benefit from her generous extended invitation, but I'm sure you're right in your thinking.

Don't dread Sunday. Bounce in like nothing was said, hold on to your humour for as long as you can, and then bounce out again before you're totally deflated. Big hug to you, you're lovely.

Countrymouse, well said!

First of all, pat yourself on the back for being there for you mom. It's not easy. Although I'm not an only child. My siblings have their 'own" life and the narcistic personality mom has had all her life has pushed them away. She now lives with me and my husband and daughter. She was late 40's when I was born. meaning now my mid 40's I have a 90 year old mother. I do not get many breaks at all, but I agree with some here.. use the time to break away, heal. I wish mom could live in assisted living, but it's went way beyond that. Know your doing the best you can for you mom. take it easy on yourself.

Wow!! Tell me what you think...don't hold back! Hahaha!! That is how I like it. I love to read your comments because I can feel myself get all geared up for the dreaded visit. You ALL are so right, I am NOT responsible for her unhappiness. When she says these things to me while we are on the phone, I just roll my eyes and make an ugly face at the phone. hee hee...

I had a great time at the memorial/fundraiser for our friends and then on to the wedding. It was a perfect day weather wise for all of it. I am breathing deep and preparing for tomorrow. Multi: Let me tell you something funny, well it's not really funny because I hope my mom never finds out, but my dad just bought a house right next door to me. Oh my gosh, how horrible this will be for my mom to know. She will be so mad, then she will be mad at me because I didn't tell her about the house and move her in there. It will be hard enough with my dad next door (even though I love him to pieces and he is so helpful to us) I could not stand it if my mom were over there. My parents have been divorced too about 25 years and she blames him for everything. Of course she does, right? She is always the victim in every scenario.

I have special plans tomorrow evening with friends after my visit with her, so I will have something to take my mind off of the day.

Thanks all for the wisdom and encouragement.

Today is the day. My daughter decided she would go with me and maybe take some of the tension off me. I called mom this morning and asked her if they are still having church at 1. She said, no, and even if they did I am NOT going anyway. I told her we thought we would come and go with her to the service. She said, "they changed it to 6 this week and I am not going". "even if they had it at 1 I am not going anyway". I just okay we will come at 130 then. She said ok, bye. Whew. How miserable it would be to be that miserable in your life! Negative Nancy! I feel that knot coming up in the pit of my stomach. It feels like it is going to choke me in my throat. Sometimes it is not so bad, but for some reason today is the worst it has been in a while. I am still trying to figure out why I let it bother me so. I am 46 soon to be 47 and my mother still has that hold on me. I guess because she doesn't hold back her feelings. I know I am not responsible, but she sure knows how to make me feel that I am. Is it bad that I wish she were still in that hospital bed at home with hospice care? I so wish so many times she hadn't got better. When she is "better" she really is worse. --if that makes sense, but it sure does to me.

Just say a quick prayer for me to get through this visit with some sanity and then I am off to the movies with friends to relax later.

Jewel, your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman! I understand when you say that it's especially difficult sometimes to suck it up and visit. I also wondered why, when we've made so much internal progress, was it not getting much easier to continue visiting? In my case, I started to feel like I was "betraying" my true self (now that I was getting a better sense of my true self, it didn't appreciate feeling jerked around, lol). It's never easy to find the best way to deal with our obligation to difficult, manipulative, miserable people. But you're doing GREAT! Have a great time at the movies with your friends after :)

jeweltone!!!!!! i was told by my angel reader to imagine a huge bright light around you BEFORE you visit mum! it is supposed to block negatvity! also im getting a black crystal i cant remember the name thermaline or something? this will keep me safe from all the shit going on!

I am ok at a friends but no money until tuesday and she cant find the battery for her computer so today im just at another friends using his so if im not on here youll know im just waiting to get battery.

Brother tore the battery from my computer and is refusing to pay for it? sister sent a nasty email saying she wants ME away from mum as im UNSTABLE????? she said we have no written proof that mum has dementia and im making mum out to be crazier than she is? again mums winning shes now back to siblings saying im crazy? this cant go on im done now and my caring for mum is over let them take over selfish lot.

My supportive brother is just horrified at whats happening said get out and save yourself let them see for themselves!

Im going to TRY and get back to me?? dont know who i am anymore look like a bag lady havnt stopped crying cant sleep with so much ANGER? but ill get better its all about me now and letting them take over as im obviously not doing a great job looking after mum??

MUM hates SIL but will put up with her for sons sake how can mum hide her hatred for this woman if she moves in??

Well i just switch off and stay away! its good im just down the road as im seeing just how much mum is on her own. Nurse says IF your phone rings and your needed for something ignore it!

I wish i was farther away but im so lucky to have a friend put me up!

Hugs to all and watch this space have taken photos of bruises to show siblings and to keep it on record!

23 degrees here and i have to wear a jacket as cant wear a tshirt as bruises so bad?

Thank you!! My daughter is amazing. She is always there for support. She does get tired of me worrying about it so much, she thinks I should just ignore it all, but does understand this isn't happening to her. The visit went well, with her there, and of course at the end she kind of started on some things. My daughter just stepped in and said what she thought and my mom, of course, always has an answer or a come back. That is okay. She reminded us of how this daughter comes every other day, this son made this for his mom, this daughter calls every night, this child brings her mom clothes all the time...etc. I just listened, then my mom laughed and said, maybe you should call me every night and check on me. My daughter and I laughed with her and I never said a word. Hahaha! I am not doing any such thing. Done that already and I am not hearing her misery every single night, nope, not me. Twice a week is enough for me and a face to face once a week is too much. I do wish I felt like my mom wishes I did, I do sometimes wish I could call her each day, visit more, but she doesn't allow it. She always makes is so miserable and doesn't even realize it. The visit is over and the movie with my daughter and my friends was great. Thanks to all who read and support.

Kaz: Glad you feel safe and I hate winter...I dread for winter to start here. It will all work out in your favor--how ever that may be.

Good night all.

Jewel, is that something she wants? That you call her every night? And why pick on you? Why not nominate one of her other children?

The thing is, that would be such a small thing - actually something I started doing on the day my dad died, 15 years ago - but, of course, in her case it's made large by the wearying effort of listening to her. And futile by the fact that it probably wouldn't improve her level of general satisfaction. Which in itself is really sad.

I thought of you yesterday morning. It was THE most glorious day. Softest haze, golden sunshine, blue sky, still. Lovely. So I trotted into mother's bed room with a bit more joie de vivre than normal, swept back the curtains and with a kind of fanfare said the good morning equivalent of "Voilà!" Morning, mother, I said, look - a beautiful day! She stretches, yawns, creaks into action, peers at the window and says suspiciously "well it ***looks*** nice…"

A hidden agenda to a sunny morning. Lordy, mother. Any more gift horses I should be looking in the mouth?

CountryMouse: I wish she could nominate one of her other children, but I am the ONLY one. :-( She only had me. This is another place I find her selfish. She only wanted one child because she didn't want anymore. She likes to tell me what I do wrong with my two, but what does she know, she only had one. I used to call her everyday but that got to be too much listening to the negativity. I started slowly going to every other day and now two time a week. Usually on Tuesday and then again on Thursday or Friday, then visit on Sunday. I was going to visit everyday when she was at home, then moved in last summer, then I got some help and only went every other night after work and stayed with her on the weekends. Lost much family time and in March moved her to AL. While in AL I called everyday, went two to three times a week for a visit and she just became so negative I pulled back. She was very negative while she stayed at my grandmother's home (close to me) but I just had to deal with it because she couldn't be alone. Now,. she has help at AL and I don't need to go or call as often. Hallelujah...It is still draining, but I at least get some relief.

Gift horses, yes, I so do that every week. I wish they could see how beautiful the day is, or how lucky they are to just have another day and how lucky they are to have a child that will take care of their needs. My mom just expects it. she thinks this is my duty. All I really owe her is respect. My children do not owe me anything for giving them life. That was my choice not theirs. It was me that decided I wanted the gift of them, not that they would have me as a gift. My mother used to say, well, I AM your mother. Okay, mother, and what is your point exactly. I look at parenthood as a time for guidance, love, caring, compassion and so much more than just "I am your mother". A mother has a job too and it's not to boss around your children and expect things from them that only involve you as a mother.

Okay, my soapbox is full...I could go on and on about her narcissistic ways but I will stop there. Even thought they don't enjoy the beauty in the sunshine or the peace of the day, let's make sure we take time to do so.

jewltone didnt know you had a daughter thats great to at least have her support!

I just had a call from mums diabetic nurse she called to house and she couldnt get an answer i told her to call my brother from now on so it seems hes not taking care of her like he should i would say he dosnt even know she has a nurse coming in every wk as mum wont tell him i just spent the morning ringing her nurses and social services to let them know the situation so im done now can sit back and take my life back until the next emergency happens.

yes LOOLOO no contact is a good idea sometimes and gives you some time to think and clear your head.

Happy Monday, everyone :). How's your week shaping up?

Tomorrow, I'm making the trek down to my mother's house. Will 'sneak' in while her home care person is taking her to her dentist appt. My mission (should I choose to accept it, lol) is to: take her supply of checks, take the safe deposit keys, and return her pet carrier to the garage -- we accidentally drove it home with us when we took her car away in July. I'll also pick up a prescription for her, since I just recently took that responsibility over, and will visit her safe deposit box and either copy the documents and return the copies to the box, or just take the documents home with me to the box I set up near me last Friday. And, fingers crossed, she will be none the wiser!
Also, while I'm in her community, I'll need to speak to a few of the gardeners, and line up a new one for her. I've never thought much of her gardeners--for years now, they've been breaking her outdoor lights regularly and never replacing them, they NEVER return my calls, and won't do ANYTHING that obviously needs taking care of, like trimming bushes around the window, pulling out/replacing dead plants, covering up wires with the gravel landscaping, and so on. I've been taking care of that stuff, which is an enormous pain the a-- since I live so far away. All they seem to do is cut grass, nothing more. According to her neighbor, they haven't been by in about 3 weeks, and I've noticed that their billing has been wonky the past few months.
And, last, the Jewish High Holy days start this week, and after devoting all my brain power for the past several days as to how to HANDLE this (what to do? how much should I involve myself? fret, worry, fret some more...), I decided I'll call her temple today and let them know her situation. I'm sure someone will be happy to take her IF she wants to go. She's not spiritual or terribly religious, and not at all involved socially with the temple community, but still, if she wants what she wants (to go to services), and it looks like she might not get it, then I don't want a lot of fallout. And I do want to demonstrate that I'm taking "fair and reasonable action", as they say in legal circles, haha, to provide whatever possible. Anyway, I'll ask the person at temple to please keep in contact with me, since I won't be in contact with my mother. I'll need to know what the arrangements are, since if she's going, I'll need to cancel the home care person.
Have a great week everyone! It's almost officially Autumn here, and I'm SO SO happy for the change of season!

Jeweltone. You're too good. Be a lousy caregiver, Mom will be happy to be more a victim and miserable. If she likes to pit you against others, she'll find someone else.
Actually, you don't have to change: she already finds everything you do wrong, right? ha. Got to find the humor and insanity in this.
My mom didn't even call me the other day: she asked someone else to take her to the emergency room. Then a few days later she acted like nothing happened.

Judah, you're right. Why bust our a**es the way we do? I guess we just naturally take some pride in what we do? I don't know...
We're you relieved, glad, etc. that your mom found someone else to take her to the ER? Was it a true emergency? My mother doesn't have that behavior of too many hospital visits, but I'd get pretty fed up pretty fast, if it were me.

Judda: missed you and yes, I feel like being lousy since she already thinks I am. Ha!

tonight my husband and I went to visit a life long friend of ours that got a blood clot in his leg and an infection in his spine 6 weeks ago and almost didn't make it. He is in a rehabilitation center about 30 min from home and is excited he will be coming to the center in our home town this week. He always loves when we visit and tells us he is happy to see us. Tonight his room was a mess. He said housekeeping hadn't been there today. I felt so sorry for him with it looking like that. I put on gloves and cleaned up his room. He kept telling me thank you and I didn't have to do it.--(which he really meant). But I wanted to do that for him, just as I would do for my mom. She just expects it and doesn't appreciate it. Before we left he still was thanking us and telling us to come by when he gets moved back closer to home. He is wanting pizza and we have already decided to take him a pizza party when he comes home. I love doing for people, but when it comes to my mom, I just resent it. I don't really need anyone to tell me thank you, I don't even care about that. It was a nice visit and I am glad we got to take the time to go. He has been on his back for 6weeks and not walked and still so happy to be here. My mom can walk and do what she wants and she is miserable. Go figure.

Before we understood what was wrong with my mom, she would call the ambulance and go to the ER. She would have never done that prior to being sick. Gosh, they never cease to amaze me.

Judda, funny - my mom had a severe nosebleed and called 911. They took care of her in the emergency room and it really just boils down to the fact that her blood has thinned from all the years of aspirin, and she has obsessed over it for two months, saying "something's wrong - that trip to the ER really did something to me." Ok, when I called the hospital that night (we are over two hours away.) They said, "would you like to speak to your mom? She's laughing with the EMTs..." So, it was not a traumatic experience like she wants us to believe!

And, like you suggested, I think my husband and I are moving toward "being lousy caregivers", because she is so demanding and particular that there's no way we can do all the little tasks that she needs us to do. So, the more I suggest to her that she hire the work done, or ask a close by friend, the more peeved she is becoming. I know soon she will get really mad and say, "just don't bother, I'll be gone before long, anyway, no one cares, your dad did this, after all I've done for you..." I think I got all the typical responses in. Then, we won't talk for months. I'm telling you, she will NEVER be the one to call. I'd have to make a move.

Looloo - so true, we take pride in what we do and how we care for others. And some just take advantage of it. I hear, "But I'd do it for you." all the time from her!

Jeweltone - your friend sounds lovely and you are sweet to clean his room. He has a fantastic attitude - sorry it can't rub off on your mom. We just have to remember that some people will stay in their misery forever. My mom is starting to use the word, "depressed" more often now, but refuses to do anything about it. WE are supposed to cure that, don't you know. We don't visit enough, we're not doing things right and we don't do them soon enough, we talk to my dad. So-and-so's children are ALWAYS visiting their mother. If we changed, she wouldn't be depressed! (Sarcasm)

So, anyone - if my mom says she has so little money, (And the biggest reason, of which I'm reminded each day is because she loaned some to my husband and I when he was unemployed so that we wouldn't lose our home) why would she want to spend money on paint so she can make the cupola on the roof (which no one can see if the paint is blistering) look better?

I mean, that isn't a priority to me. My husband and I are still getting back on our feet. We have tried on three occasions to make small payments back to her and you know how she responded? With a brushoff of "oh, just don't, you can wait until you have more." Ok, that's rather insulting, especially when I find out that she told my brother that we have not made any effort to give her any money back. The paint on our home is peeling, too. However, like her, we live 200+ feet off the road and it's certainly not a priority. Not surprising, coming from the same women who complains that the leaves are falling off another neighbor's tree already and blowing into her yard, because certainly none of HER trees are causing any problems.

Oh, and this really bakes my cookies: when my parents divorced 25 years ago, my mom had to send my dad yearly insurance information, since he has to send her money to maintain health insurance. Well, because she was so devastated and didn't want my dad's new wife "to see her handwriting" because she's a private person, I agreed to pass the info along to him. What I did NOT agree to, though, was to follow up on it and she constantly complains about the timing of his payments, and asks me if I've talked to him. So, I just told her, "I agreed to pass the info along to him, but that's it. If you want to follow up with him I suggest you send him a letter." She was not pleased about that at all and said I was being a "smart-aleck".

If nothing else you may find this entertaining - once again a parent putting a child between them. Sorry, don't mean to hog this post today but I still am fascinated by my mom being so prudish and particular and proud of being naïve about the world. She would have made a great debutante. She was most likely this way when I was young, but I didn't notice it as much because I was living under her wing. Smart lady, and has given me some brilliant advice in my lifetime, but she would never follow it herself.

Multi:: YOu are not hogging the post. I love how you have started opening up and putting your words out there. YOu were worried at first, just as I was, about talking about your mom. I only see it as letting off the steam that they build up in our minds and our souls. My mom still does the same thing about my dad. Not as bad now, but I was definitely her pawn. When they divorced she would call me to take his stuff to him that he wanted, meet her at court, get things from him he took that she wanted. All the above. :-( I didn't really realize at the time what was happening, but when I figured it out, I stopped all of it. I finally told her she would have to contact him, because I wasn't doing it anymore. She did get mad, but what else could she do to me for saying no? Stop talking to me, that would have been a blessing! My mom too, was very smart, bright, intellegent, talented, wise, I trusted what she told me. She just didn't take her own advice and look where she ended up...miserable and alone. My mom also thinks I have changed because I don't do the things she thinks I should do for her...because you know she IS my mother...haha I have learned to say no, but it is difficult at times.
My mom bought me a comforter once (I was looking for a certain color and she found it when I wasn't with her) and I tried to pay her when she first brought it. She told me no because I may choose to take it back and I could just wait. Well, first of all, she bought it and I would dare take it back or I would have heard how she couldn't pick anything out for me, blah, blah, blah. Later, I told her I was keeping it and tried to pay her. She refused to take the money once again. About 6 months to a year later, she brought up the comforter and how I never paid her for it...uuugghh!! When I explained that I had tried, her remark was "not hard enough" with a big laugh!! Really?? I sent her a check for the comforter and she never cashed it. Shew. She just wanted to complain.

The saga will continue, but at least we have the encouragement and support where we need it. Go Super Heros!!!

Remember, with narcissists, it is NOT about what they need in life. It's about control and constructing situations to feel their endless need for attention, at any cost. "If nobody is paying attention to me, then I might not exist." And "you are all here for my use. You have no needs of your own."

With borderlines (new name is emotionally unstable disorder), it's about control and manipulation. "I'll smother you to death so you won't leave me because I have no self-image or control over my emotions" and "You are all good or all evil to me".

Either one is a ticket to crazy-town for caregivers. Combine them and add a dash of other common companion problems (co-morbidities), and as a caregiver, you will find yourself running ragged for no acknowledgement, no appreciation, constant manipulation, emotional blackmail, stress, anxiety, and eventually PTSD of your own from dealing with this "package" on two legs.

Having a parent or care-receiver like this ought to qualify us for free lifetime therapy and annual vacation to some place with no internet access and 24-hour open bar.

One survival skill that is hard to do, but a real sanity saver is detachment with love. Google it. It's a technique for people who have any kind of destructive/toxic person in their lives. I can say it works. Between this and learning some anxiety control mind exercises, I am here today to vouch for it.

If it hadn't been for this site and the wonderful people on it, I probably would have a total breakdown by now with my lovely Cluster B mother. This is where I learned about detaching with love, boundaries, and got connected to some pretty life-changing support to deal with all this.

The hard part was admitting what was really going on, embracing the reality that mom's dementia was too far along for therapy to work for her, and finally getting her to care givers who could see through her monkey-shines and manipulation. And who were willing to be honest with me about her!

Thank you everyone for sharing all this stuff. It's painful to bear it alone, and it becomes transformed into understanding and laughter to share it.
The big trap is that the Borderline is constantly looking outside herself for a fix. In contrast I think of a Buddha saying I heard somewhere: "The moment one ventures outside himself searching for peace, he is already going in the wrong direction." What a great lesson for us! Did we need our crazy family to demonstrate that truth in the negative? Who knows? Maybe God knows.

Sandwich, I love the idea of qualifying for therapy and vacation. I already gave myself permission for the therapist and I am so glad I did. Next week I am working a week in Maine and it will certainly feel like a vacation.

Jewel, if I've got this right:

your mother didn't want you to pay for the scarf but you did
she didn't want you to even though you did
she did want you to but, according to her, you didn't
she didn't want to tell you about it but somehow it just popped out - she did want you to pay for the scarf
so you paid for the scarf…

but she didn't want you to.

So, sorry, who is the one who's dazed and confused? Because, hey, you're just trying to follow her train of thought.

Moral: make your own decisions and don't worry about it!

I've just had my own object lesson in carrying my mother's emotional can. Her pushing 20 year old cat, who actually I've grown very fond of, has had chronic respiratory problems for more than 2 years. Back and forth, back and forth, surgery, antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, you name it. But the little thing is a trouper, seems content, just gets on with life, no trouble, even makes friends with the dog. Really endearing. Anyway. This morning, she is bubbling bloody mucus from both nostrils. And as I swab her little nose - no complaints, she sits patiently and lets me get on with it - I take a critical look at the rest of her. And I think: if I went to someone else's house, and I saw a cat this underweight, flanks heaving with every breath, obvious spinal problems, not able to purr or swallow more than the gravy off her food…

So I take mother to task - we've had numerous discussions over the years about 'when the time might come' - and after some confabulation (apparently it's one of the children's cat. She has no idea whose. She can't remember where the cat came from, but definitely one of the girls said Gretel was her cat…) and some tears, and the mulish face that says "you are being horrible to me but I refuse to comment", I pick up the cat, tuck her under my arm and go out to call the vet.

So I'm on the phone, describing today's symptoms, and realise that I'm rubbing the cat's ears and she's rubbing her cheek (now clean, thank God) on my shoulder - one perfectly happy, contented little cat whose euthanasia I'm discussing in urgent terms with the vet's office. I have a qualm. But next thing I know the receptionist is saying that the vet is already on her way to our house. It's almost as if she'd been expecting us to ring, or something.

The vet is brilliant with her patient - that is, with mother. She explains. She asks permission. She reassures. Mother agrees that ***I*** think it is the right thing to do (I've said nothing!) and gives her consent. We proceed from mother's room ceremonially bearing the cat on a warm, clean bath sheet. The cat co-operates fully. She has had extensive experience of vets, all of it positive. I feel a total traitor. The deed is done. I weep buckets, as does the vet's assistant - the vet herself is being professional but accepts a bolstering cup of tea. Mother? Tchah. Mother takes this as an injury done to herself. Not a question of the cat's suffering and lines being drawn. A question of whether mother will be upset to lose her cat.

She will be, of course, once she does grasp that the cat is dead and therefore will not be pinching salmon off the table ever again (actually she never did - this was just mother's conviction that she would if she ever got the chance). We both will miss having a cat around the place - first time in 22 years for me, first time in heaven knows how long for mother. It's going to be feel very odd.

I don't know, I just feel really resentful that I got left holding the baby. I didn't want to kill the cat any more than she did. I'm sure the decision was right but I still feel terrible. Not fair.

Wow, Sandwich, you must have met my mom. How did you know she NEEDS SO MUCH attention? Before she became ill and was this wise, smart, beautiful, talented woman; she still needed so much attention. If we were in a group of people, she wanted to be the one to talk and tell her stories. The minute someone else had a "story" then after a few minutes, she would start looking around the room and sometimes just get up from the group. YOu could see her start to lose interest. She would also at times say, "did you see how they ignored me?" When it was her ignoring the other "stories". When she would come to visit us, if my kids didn't RUN to the door and greet her and carry on about how happy they were to see her, she would say, "Well, I guess they don't want to see me today". --who wants to hear that? If we didn't make her center of attention, then we didn't want her there. Most of the time we didn't after the negativity started. She STILL today seeks attention. The weird thing is though, she really wants the attention, but she doesn't want to be in the presence of other people. She likes to choose her time and wants people to be on top of it when she is ready. As long as you were praising her, making over her, and making her feel wanted; she was absolutely fine. But, in one minute, she could change to this hateful woman that hated everyone in the room. She could make you feel like you were scum of the pond--the lowest of low. We walked on eggshells for years with her and we still are to a lesser degree. The whole family--her sister, brother, aunts, me, my kids,and even my dad have all said we did the enabling. We allowed her to throw her tantrums and did everything she said. I guess to keep the peace so we didn't have to catch her wrath. Well, looking back, we caught it anyway. VICTIM! That's what she has played most of her life. She is always the victim. Someone always hurts her. My mom though, if someone "hurt" her (in her eyes) she burned that bridge. She never went back for more. Even if it were something silly, she still was done. She has lost so many friends, family members, and I will tell you, I have wanted to walk away many times. I wish I had when I had the chance. Now she is ill, I feel I can't just walk away. I am pulling back.

I so agree we need to qualify for something. Vacation sounds great! I think when it gets like this, we should get permission to walk away without guilt or shame.

CountryMouse: I am SO SO sorry about you needing to have to make decisions about the cat. That is hard enough in itself. The emotions with your mom and now this. Today is a new day, then tomorrow. As time goes on the sadness will still be there, but it will lessen each day, each month. To some of us, animals are very much a part of our family and we miss them terribly when they are gone.

Cheers to another day! Let us rejoice and be glad in it....

Lol, wow -- your stories bring a few of my own to mind!
1) The endless demand for our GRATITUDE. I know (now) what healthy and heartfelt gratitude is -- and I'm grateful for that ;), hee hee. Example from my mother: I work part time at the place where my mother used to work. She's been retired for at least 25 years now, but as one of her perks, she is supplied with a free "park anywhere you want" permit -- which she hasn't had any need for the entire time. Normally, I would have to pay quite a bit for my own permit, or park on the street, which is very difficult. She offered me her parking permit, which is a huge convenience for me. It's only been within the last year that she seems to have forgotten about having given it to me, which is a blessing, because she'd bring it up all the time -- "how is my parking permit working?" "are you still using my parking permit?" And I'd have to SHOWER her with the most effusive thanks every time in order to please her. "It's working great, Mom! Thank you SO MUCH!!" "Yes, I'm still using it! And I'm sure the others are so jealous of me, since I can park so easily! It's like GOLD!" Sheesh.... No wonder I'd be so drained after visiting or talking to her.
Next story, which would always really upset me. My mother has always seemed to be a dog lover. We've always had dogs, and I never questioned that she seemed nuts about them (I am too, by the way). However, her only involvement with them was to pet them, talk to them, and give them treats. My father always did all the 'grunt' work. When I was an adult, married, etc., they adopted a retired grehound (wonderful, sweet dog). This dog favored my dad (I called her a 'flirt' because she really loved men!). That did NOT please my mother. But it was my dad who really interacted with her, so what did she expect? Anyway, she'd make all sorts of wistful, sigh-filled comments over the years, about how this dog didn't like her as much as my dad. Time goes by, and the day comes to put her down. My mother LOVES to tell this story -- how my father was in the room with the dog during her final moments. My mother, on the other hand, was in the waiting room, crying, and being comforted by the staff. My poor mother, such a sad sad day for her...
Anyone who's gone through this with their own pet, I'm sure can relate to the anger I feel, every time she'd bring up this story.

Hi guys and hugs! well i am now officially no longer my mums carer! i told her docs everything that i can no longer do this and be accused of lies anymore. showed him the bruises i got the usual BS well we havnt seen any signs of this behaviour??

Oh so done with this BS! he rang mum while i was there and brother answered he spoke to mum and she was soooooo chirpy! no she cant come in and see him this wk she has visitors????? has she? yes maybe next wk? doc got a bit agitated and said no you have to come in as i cant give your pills until ive seen you? so shes seeing him next tuesday anyone want to bet that she will turn up? oh will bring brother if she does and BOY are my ears going to be burning that day BUT i got in and told him all i mean OMG its like classic text book dementia!

Anywhoo im done im not happy or relieved or anything im just so angry it came to this it will be hard to switch off from this but it will take time.

I do not want to see my mum for a long time im too mad as for siblings i think we are most definetly done! so whats next another hospital visit for mum so theres nothing i can do anymore.

Mmmmm what to do am twiddling me thumbs now!! i have started reading again which is good as havnt read a book in years! i am trying to eat my veg ive been walking so baby steps! Not going to be easy walking past my mums house everyday but for now its better than nowhere!
Will move cat and stuff this wkend that will be hard but get in and get it done!

Brother texted me to say there was a letter in the front porch for me? treated like im dirt after five years of mums care? but the sh*t hasnt even begun yet when mum knows im off for good she will get so mad and is bound to snap at brother she cannot fool them all for long!
anyway mum is now on her own so she is SS and brothers care now doc wants to see her before he decides on SS? EH DOC ive already contacted them! but they will not move until Doc says so?

I am sick drained and just wish i could hit a switch and it would all go away but its going to take time to adjust to my new life and my future. I tell you its sureal like ok now what do i do! well first i have to start eating lost 7pounds this week once i stop shaking and let go of so much anger ill be fine!

I mean who knows i may get a job as a carer for some nice little old lady who dosnt have dementia! Eh i have experience!! LOL

Hugs to all ill still be here not as much but i will now concentrate on helping you guys!! i could be the agony aunt of carers!

Hey my journeys far from over here but at least i have time to retreat and find out who the hell am i anyway! yes i think i need to regroup and get stronger so when mum needs me ill be mentally able to face her again!
My guts are telling me something will happen soon in the next few wks so we will see! be nice to have money and totally get away far away but that wont be possible. sad isnt it i wanted to be mums daughter again and not her punching bag hopefully this all works out and i can visit her and take her out but never be her carer again i could never go back to that unless she was just further gone and placid and also drugged up!
Doc wanted to give me sanex but i declined im very shaky but ill calm down once i get used to this change of life!

I will now take up my spanish lessons and go to the beach more then i have to look for work as Social welfare are on my back yeh get a job or care for mum they dont care what youve been through i just had a look today and there are no jobs here its just scary! but you have to try or they will cut your money so fast! gosh i signed off today as her carer and like that im a jobseeker now.they dont mess around! no respite money!! anyway im no better or no worse off finacially so thats ok i just feel so bad to have to ask a friend to help me even though shes fine about it its not easy to depend on someone else!

Things will get better so i just have to be strong now!

Hugs to all ill catch up with you all soon! jeweltone have you written that book yet??

Hugs to you Kazzaa, I hope you start to feel better soon and have some good luck from now on, hope you find a job you like.

Kazz: I have a whole book in my head. Ha! Just putting it on paper would also take much time. I am with you on just finding out who I am again. I went to the gym (fitness center) for the first time today in a long while. I intend on going every night, then I say...oh well, maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is here and I went!! Yay me! You are tough and will definitely get through this. Prayers are answered in the most undesired way sometimes, take it and run--well, walk. :-) Your time with your mom was not wasted, I do believe that we are put in situations for different reasons. We are to learn something from it. You will figure all that out! We can choose to transfer or transform our emotions. You can transfer your emotions into each day or each situation or you can decide to transform those emotions into something beautiful down the road. If you choose to transfer these emotions then each day it will be like drinking poison and you will end up very sad and lonely. Choose to transform them. It will take time, it will NOT happen over night. A butterfly doesn't start out a butterfly. It is transformed from the most unlikely thing. You are now able to start weaving your cocoon and you will fly out of this a better person. Hugs to you!!!

Jeweltone, That was very touching and nice. Good luck to you Kazz.

Countrynouse, you are a Good Cat Person. Hugs, and may another cat or two or three someday be blessed enough to belong to you.

Here we go agian...on the merry-go-round of caregiving. Once again I have been shot out of the cannon. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, my mom had a place come up around her neck area. We have been waiting on the doctor to come visit from pallative care. They called me this morning stating they would be down to see her today. I called my mom to let her know they would be there to check on her. At first, I thought things were going well. After telling her they were coming, she said, okay with a pleasant voice.--I had expected her to moan and groan not wanting them to come...but pleasantly surprised she was okay with it. Then, BANG!!! She said, "you have to get me out of here!"...I got silent and she proceeded to tell me the reason I needed to get her out..... here is what she said, "Do you want to know that they are supposed to come in here every morning by 8:30 with my breakfast?" "Well, this morning it was 9:00 before they come in"...She was crying and whining... I was still silent. She said, are you hearing me? Yes, I hear you. They didn't come in by 8:30. "No, and when I asked them why they didn't come they told me they were seeing to other residents"...Me: Really? They were only 30 minutes... She said, "Well, do I not count around here?" I am on the first floor and they had to pass my room to get to the elevator to go to the other residents".... I said, "maybe the other resident pushed their button and they had to check on them first. Next time they aren't there by 8:35 push your button"... She said, "well, that makes them mad"... "When I moved in here it was the deal that they bring me breakfast every morning by 8:30" "I pay for this place just like everyone else"... blah blah blah!!!! I said, mom I am at work and I wanted to let you know the doctor is coming. She said, "I guess I am at your mercy and I HAVE to do everything you say now, right?" "don't I?" I sit in silence again, did not answer her and she hung up on me.--- ALL BECAUSE THEY DIDN:T COME FOR BREAKFAST AT 8:30!!!!! There is that woman who thinks she is the only one and no one else should come first but her!!! She thinks she doesn't count because they weren't there at exactly 8:30. If it had been 9:30 or 10:00 then I could see to be upset....30 min she is not going to starve...

She always ends the conversation by putting the blame back on me! It is my fault that she is miserable, it is my fault that she didn't get breakfast on time, it is my fault she cannot stay alone... (I don't really believe all that, but SHE does) That hurts..but more than anything it makes me angry!! I would love to give her away as though she were an old sweater that I cannot wear anymore!!

Okay, had to get it off my chest so I can go on with my day! Thanks once again for listening and carry the burden with me...love to all

jewel - my mother would fuss and complain if her meal or shower was 10 or 15 minutes late. It became a national crisis. Undercooked oatmeal ONCE was elder abuse. It is how they are wired and really nothing to do with normal life. I will never forget one time my mother was visiting. I had gone to the grocery store, loaded my groceries in the trunk of the car, driven home, opened the trunk and left it open as I carried bags of groceries into the house. Mother happened to see the trunk was open and freaked. "Your trunk is open". "Yes, mother, I am bringing in the groceries." It doesn't take much to set them off - just the normal ups and downs of life.

It is not your responsibility, but, I know, hard to shed those feelings of guilt as we have been blamed for the time of day since childhood. You are doing well, as are others here. Just keep detaching, sharing here, and setting boundaries. Reading about the disorder helps too. It is a disorder. They are wired differently. People the age of our parents were not diagnosed, never mind treated. There was no awareness, and not much even now. Even when there is treatment it is not often successful, unfortunately. Have a good day, regardless.