Is it normal she's so negative?

WELL....., let's not count our chickens just yet! :). I have replaced one difficult person (mother) with another (neighbor), it seems. Still, it is probably an ok arrangement, as long as I can do the usual--establish boundaries, and try to keep things in perspective. My mother's care is still taking up most of my time and brain space, but it is much better not dealing with her 1:1. It will probably not last, and that will have to be ok too. I've begun considering maybe possibly intervening again and getting her placed in memory care before a crisis occurs--but we'll see. It would require a great deal of coordination, more contact with her, and I would need to make up a story about her home not being livable, in order to get her out. It isn't something I think is possible now, but maybe within the next year? Her neighbor won't stop with her constant commentary about how "she can't go on like this!!!" It's increasing my own stress level quite a bit, but I don't want to stubbornly stick to my guns if it doesn't make sense to. Did that make sense? Ugh, I have to unplug my brain ...

Thank you CM...I do her hair and I surprisingly like doing hair (maybe not just hers) but I do enjoy it. Even though she tells me later on in the visit it looks awful. I never know how to take that..does she think I do a bad job--I personally don't think so, or does she just feel like she looks bad? Either way, she has to be negative or her day wouldn't be right. Looloo the neighbor seems to want to make you feel bad for not being there--maybe not consciously but she is putting that in you. Take in what seems important and let go of what is not. (I know, advice from someone who can't seem to do the same :-) Memory care would be a great thing, she won't like it, but you will know she is safe. I feel so much better knowing my mom is safe.

The visit wasn't too good at first today, she was concerned about her appointment tomorrow, stressing out over what to wear, should she eat first, should she take her pills in the morning, how was she going to get in the car, put her shoes on, walk in the hospital, afraid they may keep her...the list goes on. I tried my hardest to let her know everything will be alright and I told her what we would do step by step. Do not eat or take pills in the morning, we will lay out your clothes today, I will pull the car up close, I will drop you off at the door--we will even get a wheel chair if you need it ( I don't need a wheel chair--well, then mom, quit acting like it), I went over step by step what we would do to make it easier. After about an hour, we got her hair washed, picked out clothes to wear and let me tell you--my mom lost so much weight over the past 3 years down to 79 pounds we had to do buy a whole new wardrobe..I put those clothes in the closet at the AL and oh my guess what? In march she had gained back to 105 pounds, now she can only fit in two pair of the pants and actually they were hers from before and two shirts that were hers before, she is back to her 135 pound self. She cried and said, now you know why I don't put my clothes on here...I said, no, you didn't put your clothes on even when these fit. So, now ladies, back to storage at some point and get in clothes boxes and take her some clothes and I guess a shopping trip (oh how this is no fun shopping for her) remember the woman doesn't like anything I pick out. Today she saw one of the other ladies and told me that her daughter shops for her all the time and I like that blouse she has on...I said, "well, maybe I will get her daughter to go shop for you"....hahahahaha...yes, I did. I didn't crack a smile and I got the evil eye from her. After washing hair, trying on clothes, washing off, putting pjs back on, she was worn out. She then started to cry "how will I make it tomorrow"...I look at her with such pity sometimes because my mom was always so strong and independent she would have never second guessed how she was going to do something. We eventually ventured up to the patio and there were about 4 other ladies (yay) because I didn't have to sit there with her by myself. One of the ladies kept telling my mom how beautiful I was (I was embarrassed to say the least) over and over she kept saying it...finally my mom looks at her and said, "yea, she is a good girl"...I just about fell out of my chair, my mom bragged on me for a moment. --then she said, "I used to be young once, but look at me now"...oh my, back to me me me.She never did like when someone bragged on me and not her. I went to school with the director and she was filling in with someone today and she was there when this conversation was taking place, she said, She is a good girl and a good daughter, she comes every week and takes care of her mom..." chalk one up for me today--IN FRONT OF MY MOM! Listen to me, I sound like her...me me me...she is rubbing off.

Thanks to all of you for thinking of me today, my daughter texted me soon as I pulled in to see my mom (she is away at college) she said, positive thoughts and when you leave, leave the negative energy behind. I could feel all of you shielding me today. It worked. God, my daughter, and all of you!!! Keep shielding me through tomorrow!! Good night and only positive thoughts.

Jewel, there's no "me me me" about it on your part, silly! :) - it is SO nice just to get a pat on the head from an objective observer from time to time. We wear ourselves into little frazzled twigs worrying whether we're getting it right and what more we could be doing that we're not already doing and where are we going wrong.. so to hear praise is a relief and a pleasure. And in your case richly deserved, too.

Some people just find it very hard to take a compliment, or to express pride - your mother sounds very similar to mine in that respect. It's a lifelong habit that they tend to pass on…

Good luck for today, hold tight x

Here I am, home safe and sound! Don't know about sound quite yet, my mind is still racing from our visit and conversations that came up today. Bits and pieces of information she seems to be holding in and then all of a sudden bursts out like a bad pimple, you just don't know what to do with it..Of course she called me as I was getting ready to turn in, making sure I am on my way--trust issues. When I got in the room she was putting on her shirt saying she didn't know if she was supposed to get ready or wait on me. I told her to go ahead and get ready and I would help. She let me know real fast she didn't need help--far cry from yesterday. She went on to vent that when they came for breakfast she had to tell them she was going for tests and couldn't eat and how no one asked her if she needed help getting dressed--well, that is funny, I heard a different story when I came in, the one girl that is so sweet to my mom told me she asked my mom if she could help her dressed and/or she would help her get in the shower. Who to believe?--easy answer. Then she whined about how scared she was and I agreed because I was nervous for her this morning. She preceded to tell me of some changes at the AL she was confused about--the only thing different is they hired one girl to clean everyone's apartment (now a cleaning lady) instead of the workers doing that too. She went on about how that lady didn't do her laundry and how I would have to start doing it.--When I asked the director about this, she told me that nothing else has changed only the "cleaning lady". The workers will still do my mom's laundry.---why does she get so dang confused?--stress builder! She also told me that no one came around last night and asked her what she wanted for dinner---wow there, I told her I was here when that conversation came about. They did ask her and she denied dinner. She told me no this was after I left--no sally, it was not, I was there and I preceded to tell her again what the exact conversation was. She got so mad and told me I could take up for them if I wanted but she knew how it went.--does she really now? When I went to sign her out to go the director followed me back to my mom's room and my mom told her the same as above, the director tried to tell her everything was alright and if she needed something that they didn't take care of she needed to ring her buzzer and they would take care of it. My mom--being who and how she is said, I pay enough here that they should just do what I want without asking them. There is that woman that thinks everyone is psychic. We are supposed to know exactly what she wants and how she wants it and if we get it wrong, it is our fault.--don't you love it? After we left and got to the hospital, she was all smiles and talking to the people in the waiting room. She recognized two or three people there that she knew and went to school with. They talked and she laughed---I must have forgot my mom at her apartment, I will be right back. HA!!! She did great, had her ultrasound and her blood work like a champ. She was still smiling when we left. The minute and I do mean the minute we got in the car she started, did you hear what the "director" said to me, how she smarted off to me about something?--no mom, I didn't hear that--because she didnt smart off to her. Did you hear when she said that I was capable of ringing my buzzer---well, sassy, you are!! Several other issues before she decided she would go to a store and look for clothes--yes, she decided she would go shopping. Went in the only store we have here in our small town and of course, they don't have anything here, who would wear this stuff, on and on. Where do those other ladies get there clothes, I know they don't come here. Blah Blah Blah I offered to take her out to eat and NO she didn't want to do that, but she told me I could get something but she didn't want to go in--you really want me to eat in the car, mother? I told her I would just eat lunch at her place since I wasn't sitting in the car eating--she told me that didn't bother her if I ate in the car--this isn't about you for once! Went back to her place and they came to see about her--of course they only do that when I am there, they want to show me that they care--those are her words! They talked her in to eating a sandwich with me. two of the girls came in and one asked how things went, my mom got mad because the other girl didn't ask, see how she ignores me, she didn't even ask if I was ok. I told her the other one did and she thinks they both should even though they were there at the same time--makes NO sense to me!

Here is where I had to make a break for the door. While we were eating, in her room of course, can't go to the dining room like normal people. She started talking about my grandmother's things and it got heated. She acts like we all have cheated her. She keeps telling me that she didn't get a chance to pick out what she wanted--she did and the answer was no every single time. Now she thinks everyone should be paying her for what they took "her part" of "her" mother's things. She cried and screamed about how unfair it all was and that everyone was so unfair to her. After about an hour of it, I had to leave. No one was being unfair to her, she just sees it that way like she has every other thing all her life. I cannot tell you how sick of all this I am. I am so READY for this torture to be over! I was so torn up by the time I left it has taken me another hour to calm down and write. This is where I tell you once again how much I appreciate you reading what I write. It helps more than I ever thought it could.

Question before I end?? During her ultrasound--which I hadn't had this happen before, the girl doing it went and got the radiologist. He then asked to get pics of other areas and they told us we would probably get the results later today. Does that mean anything? I have had this bad feeling, but then again, I know my mom is healthy as a horse except for her mind and attitude, she will live to be ripe like emjos mom...HA!

Jewel, you have a very tolerance! Very good of you to all that you do, and I'm sorry it's such a no-win situation. I'm not sure about the doctor deciding to take more images, and you'll have more info in a bit. Maybe he wants to minimize how often your mom needs to come by, and he's being efficient?
Well--guess what? The spell has been broken, lol. I spoke to my mother a little while ago on the phone. It was fine. No drama, just the usual confusion, and I'll need to make a few phone calls of my own to make sure I know what's going on on Planet Betty, haha.
In other posts, I had mentioned how her gardeners weren't great, and how her neighbor had been ranting about them a lot recently. A few days ago, she emailed me with the name of another gardener, and I lined him up to begin taking over. I asked him to please just communicate with me, but he spoke to my mother too this morning. No harm done this time, it's just that my mother then starts doing other things--like she said she cancelled her doctor appt for tomorrow, so she could tell the other gardeners not to come anymore. Deep sigh from me.
So--now I need to verify w/the doctor's office that she actually DID cancel her appt. if she did, I'll reschedule for another time (I don't want to put her appt right back on for tomorrow, since it will probably stress her out and confuse her more).
Then, I need to contact her home care person and update her.
Then, I'll need to leave a message with her soon-to-be-former gardeners, letting them go.
I've already spoken to her new gardener, and he'll be doing one major cleanup this Saturday, and will do regular weekly maintenance starting next Monday. So I'll let her neighbor and caregiver know that.
As Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy would say, "AY YAY YAY!!!"

Looloo, I hope you've got a good-sized desk diary for all these appointments! The gardeners and similar need to understand that while it is important for them to be on good speaking terms with their 'customer' you are the one who actually pays the piper. Very difficult to get that message through to the ground troops, I appreciate.

Oh brother, Jewel, what a day! You must be shattered. A couple of mantras to try, maybe: "try not worry about it, dearest Mama" and "it's under control." Repeat until tired of it. It's incredibly wearing for you (and probably for the staff, too, though I expect they do have worse offenders on their hands if that's any comfort!), but apart from personality issues don't forget that as concentration and hearing abilities go our darling Little Old Ladies do have genuine difficulty keeping track of what's going on. Don't know what to make of the radiologist, all you can say for certain is they thought something was worth taking a closer look at. Hope it turns out to be nothing to worry about - the odds are good.

My sister reported back to me that mother 'seemed to be in a good mood' during her visit today. She - sister, that is - sounded deeply suspicious about this - not that I blame her, I just find it funny. "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?"

Looloo good news summer and gardening needs are almost over unless she lives somewhere warm all the time. There is always something to worry us at the moment but I see the light at the end of the tunnel even though at this moment it is a very faint, dull, dim, shadow of a light it is there. Maybe some new batteries will brighten it up. I pray everyday, when I get home from a visit, before I go to bed, when I get up in the morning, all day long. I hang on to knowing that one day it will be my turn to have my life back. I hope it is sooner than later for all of us.

CM: I am learning to do just that, everything is fine, everything will work out, on and on with my mom.--then she always says, "you don't care". Ouch! Turn the knife after you put it in. In a way though, I don't really care, I am sick to death of hearing it. HA! My husband doesnt really ever know what to say to me, so I usually don't tell him much, but tonight I had to get some things out when he asked. I told him it was much easier when she was in hospice and not well. It was draining, but much easier because the attitude wasn't so demanding and blaming. I told him that I wish she were still sick and not so much herself again--I then asked "is that bad of me?" He said, "no, it is not, but please know you did the right thing. You did what you were supposed to do by helping her get better and the rest will fall into place"...Just what I needed to hear from him. I know I couldn't just let her die, that would be wrong, but what was the pay off? I am sure it will come.
I am also glad you have a sister that can visit your mom and help relieve some of the stress.

Lol, actually, my mother lives in a desert community in Southern California! She has a lot of gravel landscaping, but lots of hardy, drought tolerant plants that need regular care. AND a rather militant homeowner's association, who inspects the property and gives tight deadlines for any repairs or improvements they deem necessary. But I think her new gardeners will handle things much better.
My mother also made a typically negative, "gotta get the last word in" comment on the phone today. I don't have any recollection what it was, but yes, it annoyed me in the moment, and reminded me that minimal contact is for the best. It was a relief though, to realize that, at least for that brief time, she was civil and pleasant to me. If this continues, and there's no need for permanent "no contact", I might be ok.

You know that desert community is also good for health...lol No cold winters to worry about just sunshine and warm weather. Your mom will be around a long time, so make it as you need to. I am moving somewhere like that as I get older so I can live warm and happy... :-)

No contact is better, don't feel a bit guilty for it! That is something I hope for one day. I am really building up the courage. Once I can help get my grandmother's estate handled, get all my mom's finances in order, and I have no other obligations with her; I plan on less and less contact too. This constant negativity is wearing a big hole in my soul. I feel it deepening everyday. I can only let it harm me if I continue to deal with it and I don't plan on it for very long. It could be another year, but I have promised myself it won't be longer than that. It is funny how we can finally decide not to deal with something we shouldn't be dealing with. Hallelujah! With each visit and each saga, I realize it will be a very long and lonely road if I keep this up, but I don't plan on staying on her lonely, miserable road. She already thinks I don't care and I don't do enough, so I will show her what that really looks like.--eventually. I pray for the strength to go through with it. The other day I almost took her checkbook to her and almost ripped the POA up right in front of her--I wanted to. I have thought many times that I would tell her I am done, get someone else, and walk away. I think about how good that would feel, then I remember that right now I am all she has. My conscience just won't let me at this moment. You have finally made that decision, so go with it. It is kind of like when you are about to pull out in front of someone, you can't think about it you have to just put the pedal to the metal and GO!

Sisters, sisters. You all are my real sisters. It's such a gift to know we are not alone and that we all go through the same kinds of experiences; getting and needing a nice compliment from someone else when secretly we miss the love of our mothers.

I ask myself over and over, "Can I forgive her yet?"

Looloo, your mother's being so strangely pleasant: is it possible she'd temporarily forgotten who she was speaking to?!

Judda, forgive her by all means. Just don't trust her. Sad, but sensible.

judda, I agree. When you forgive someone it doesn't mean you are telling them they are right, or it is okay to hurt you, you are just saying that you are not going to drink the posion anymore. When you can forgive her you will feel better--doesn't mean you even have to talk to her. Letting go of harmful feelings and emotions can be so freeing. Even though my mom has been so mean all her life and hateful to me, I still forgive her.--she still hurts my feelings, but I don't begrudge her for that. I can sleep at night for that reason. Like countrymouse said, you will know your boundaries with her and don't trust her.

I don't trust my mom either. She as "lied" so many times that I get sucked in to what is real and what is not. At fist it was just little things and now those little things are becoming very big things. It is scary to be honest. She is starting to tell the weekday workers that she didn't get out of her room all weekend and when they ask her if I came she tells them no. I don't think that she don't remember--she does, I think she just wants pity. She then in turn tells me that they don't check on her and they leave her with no breakfast, lunch or dinner--just depends on which one she wants to tell me.Then she will always end with "you don't believe me, you think I am crazy" "you think they are wonderful, you just don't live here". The "lies" aren't just as simple as that either. They go deep sometimes, like yesterday. Telling me her sister was cheating her out of her mother's money and different things. She truly believes these things and it is really scary. My mom also thinks I am just being hateful to her when I do tell her how hateful she gets and what hurtful things she says--I think she just really thinks I deserve it. With all that said, I still forgive for my own self and not hers. She, along with your mother, will have to face that one day and I know my conscience is clear. Good luck with letting go and setting more boundaries.

I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your mom being so negative. When my mom was first diagnosed with dementia, it already had taken quite a toll on me and my own family. I couldn't understand why she was never satisfied, always negative especially towards me. After the doctor told me what was really going on, I realized that no matter how much I argued the point with her or tried to explain things to her, she couldn't help it. Finally, after some advice from some family and friends, I tried to agree with her and sometimes pretended with her. We usually talked about old times, and things that made her happy (it didn't matter whether they were correct or true) made me feel better also. The next day she would forget and we'd start all over again. It was difficult, but the sicker she got, the easier it was for me to realize that she was not the same person who I grew up with that took care of me. Now it was my turn to take care of her no matter what it took. I'm glad it worked out the way it did, even though she went away little by little, I had time to spend with her and go down memory lane. Good luck and God bless you as you go on this journey with your mom. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well.

Hi guys just an update! mum DID turn up to docs today for her apointment? now when i rang doc is refusing my calls? so thankfully i finally got through to SS and she is going to call and see mum!

I went into house today and took cat and some more belongings house was an absolute mess?? i mean really bad like it was years ago? mum will be furious now that ive taken cat and most of my stuff but i can tell by the house that shes already declining more.
HA brother was there with rubber gloves on washing dishes? well see how long that lasts but he avoids her personal hygiene etc so SS will have to see how shes living now!

I am ok just angry and sad that it came to this mums health is at stake because of siblings ignorance?

My cat is traumatised and was crying for about two hours which just breaks your heart BUT hes alseep now so i hope he will be alright? i will keep him in a few days here and hopefully he will know then that this is where he eats and sleeps now! they are pretty intelligent so fingers crossed.

This wkend i move everything else out then i walk away until something happens to mum and they all wake up?
Brother is not there tomorrow and thursday and wont let me go in when hes not there so i have to wait until friday i hate him and his bullying behaviour but he will soon regret his actions. Other brother in UK is distraught and feels helpless but is calling me everyday to see im ok he will write to mums doc and express his concerns and back me up.

I have lost all faith in docs regarding this and told receptionist that if anything happens to mum im holding him responsible.

Its not easy being a few houses away not knowing if shes safe im sure shes so lonely now but she had the best of care so theres nothing more i can do until things escalate.

Hugs and im praying for us all here! life will get better!

This wkend i move everything else out then i walk away until something happens to mum and they all wake up?

Until? And then what, Kaazzaa? Seriously, concentrate on your own plans. If you sit around waiting for developments it'll stop you moving on. You've got your court case to sort, and the rest of your life to be getting on with. Don't look back.

To speak plainly, your mother's doctor is right. He cannot discuss your mother with you without her consent. There are rules, you know that. Stop asking him to breach confidentiality because you'll just set him completely against you.

Your mother's got a key worker and a whole bunch of other people to take responsibility for her welfare, which means your conscience is in the clear. God willing it'll all turn out for the best - but for now it's time to take care of yourself. Big hug, hope puss settles in x

CM, yes, my mother behaves in whatever way she thinks will get what she wants in that moment. It's possible she has forgotten about me taking the car away; that would be great if that's the case. But you never know with dementia...
I have no intention of resuming the regular phone calls. And if the calls from her escalate, become unproductive (going round and round and ROUND, trying to explain and reason over and over and OVER because what she's really doing is trying to start drama), or if she starts insulting me and my efforts in any way, then it's break time again.

Oh i know CM and knew this would happen! im alot less stressed knowing SS are involved they dont take any crap!
Moving on CM takes time and money so yes things wont be sorted quickly so once i got SS involved mum will be kept an eye on.
Also moving stuff out is not easy with no car im sure the neighbours are wondering whats going on? but my brother is making things harder by not letting me in everyday to get stuff so i have to take things when hes around? I should get everything out this wkend. Cat seems ok just sleeping and hiding alot!

I am glad everyone seems to be a bit better this week. Not as much stress going on. I went to bed Tuesday night at 8:30pm with a stress headache. I guess after being with my mom on Monday for the testing and then listening to her whine about how unfair everyone is to her. Maybe in a way I agree to a certain point, but it isn't worth crying over and being mad at everyone over. It is all just stuff and a little bit of money. The money she may have gotten from the "stuff" family took may have kept her in her apartment one more month.--Not years. I just wish she wasn't so self absorbed. Me, Me Me!! It's not fair to ME, they don't treat ME fair, they cheat ME! There are other siblings and no one else has felt cheated. If they have, they haven't said a word about it. She is a middle child and I wonder if all this does play true to the middle child syndrome? My mom, I am realizing, has all kinds of syndromes now. Ha! What in the world has happened to that brain? Even though she has always been like this, it is intensifying to the degree I cannot stand to be around it. When I am there, she expects me to agree with her and no one else. She is also starting to go on over something that happened literally 35 to 40 years ago. She is losing sleep over it, nothing she did, of course; but something to do with money with her siblings. Her parents let them borrow money that many years ago and she swears they never paid the parents back and she thinks now they owe her for what they borrowed. She thinks I am supposed to do something about that too. I was just a little girl and know nothing about it. I have told her that was her parents money at that point and it was up to them to collect that money. She thinks because she never ask them for anything, once again it's not fair that they got money and she didn't. I know this is getting deep, but I am worn out with it. I want to crawl under a rock and pretend she doesn't exist anymore. I think about what someone said on this blog to me about hydrating and dehydrating. I wish so many times she had never hydrated... I hydrated her that is for sure. Knowing I did the right thing is one thing, but I am paying for doing the right thing. This is when I question, what is the right thing...does all that makes sense? Haha!

I dread visits, phone calls, anything to do with her. She stresses me out to no end with all her issues of self absorbed nonsense. LIke I said, I do agree with her to a point--but would never tell her because she expect more from me with it and it wouldn't be worth the more stress it would put me under. I do not want to be isolated from family just for her. She would love that--just me and her under a rock knowing we shut out the rest of the family and the world...how sick is that? VERY!! But truly, that is what she really wants--until she got it, then she would find something to complain about under the rock. If you have ever read the book, IF You Give a Mouse a Cookie, that is my mom. Give her and inch and she takes more than a mile.

Kaazzaa--I am glad things are smoothing out for you. When we hit rock bottom the only place to go is up. It may be a slow and hard climb, but when you get to the top, it will all be worth it. Your peace of mind is worth it. I know you still worry about your mom, that is normal with all of us. If we didn't care and didn't worry, we wouldn't be on here letting it all out. I just wish for each of us, it didn't consume our daily lives. I am also happy your cat is settling in too.

Hurray looloo: I feel the same way, round and round we go. I cannot reason with my mom either. That is it, she just cannot see what is really happening in front of her. It is only what SHE thinks is happening. She truly believes it. Even when I tell her I was there and heard the conversation, she still doesn't believe it. The brain and mind is a powerful thing and it will lie to us at any minute.

The brief phone call with my mother earlier in the week went ok, but the past few days have been really stressful and difficult for me. I have been fighting a cold for at least 2 weeks already, but on Sunday night, it decided to really 'bloom.' I called in sick on Monday, thinking if I just rested, it wouldn't get too bad, but I ended up just getting worse anyway. I went back to work on Tuesday, and am starting to feel a little better today, but still...yuck. I'm DRAGGING, and am throwing myself a slight pity party, lol!
My mother's frantic, "almost in tears" (as she put it to me yesterday) neighbor has been emailing me all week, and I'm doing my absolute best to handle things, but being sick has made it extra difficult and stressful. It doesn't help one bit to get her constant comments such as "This can't go ON!!!" "What is GOING ON???" And so on. My adrenaline rushes every time I see her name, and I'm exhausted having to deal with her. Maybe, someday, I'll get things together in some way that she doesn't have to be involved anymore (please, God). I fantasize about no longer needing to be in contact with HER anymore either, not just my mother, lol. I daydream about FINALLY moving my mother into AL or memory care, or WHEREVER! And then NEVER having to speak to her neighbor again.
Anyway, I have gotten more stuff done for my mother today. About 3 hours' worth of time spent emailing, phoning, faxing, filing, bill-paying, gathering info, UPSing her magazines, etc., etc. In between my 'real job', of course....
Oh--I also really let a customer service rep have it today, and now I feel kind of guilty about that. I'm usually so good about not taking my frustration, fatigue, anger out on people. And to do it anonymously, to people just doing their jobs, makes it worse. Anyway...I just need a little time-out, I guess.

Looloo sorry you feel bad and dealing with everything. I have thought to myself as I went home for lunch, I need a break too. I was thinking if I could go the next month or even two and not see my mom, not talk to my mom, or even anything to do with her would make me so happy and free. I feel like she lives in my head all the time. Even the way I look at things makes me know she is there--in my head. It has to stop before I become this person with an extra personality--lol I hope you find a way to get your mom to AL it will be a blessing in disguise. Even though mine lives so close--wish she didn't, I am free to a degree, but you will really be free. Hang on to that, looloo, it will come!!

Kaazzaa, getting social services to see the mess is the smartest thing you ever did. I'd like to be a fly on the wallpaper for that one. Stay AWAY while they get an eyeful.
LooLoo and jeweltone, if you get the social workers involved, they are independent witnesses to the abuse you take and the mess she makes. A nanny cam is a good idea too. Pictures and sound and HD color protect you from lies.

Doctor finally called about test results. Lab work was good and the lump in her neck is a cyst. They want to do a CT scan now with dye to see what this could be. Of course, she is freaking out over it. "why didn't they do that first", "oh my goodness, I can't go through that" yadie ya ya!! I told her not to worry right now it will be next week before we can do anything anyway. "NEXT WEEK???" "WHY NEXT WEEK?"---yes, she yelled it. I told her with tomorrow being Friday they would need to make some phone calls and it would be next week. I wonder, my husband wonders, and my kids wonder why I am so stressed out. One 5 min phone call does it. I stayed calm and told her it was no big deal, then the quesitons started: "what do they think it is, what if it is attached to something, will they need to take it out, that means surgery, "ETC...you get the point. I told her one step at a time and we will get through this. She is way too mean for it to be anything other than a fatty cyst that they can take out and she will live another 50 years. haha! That is bad, I am sorry for those thoughts, but she freaks out and I know it's nothing because nothing could take her down, she has 9 lives.

I like the nanny cam idea. I have had social workers involved before and they turned on me...it put me over the edge. This is when she first went way down hill last summer and I called the doctor and they called hospice. Social workers always come too with hospice. WEll, I thought calvary was coming and they almost threw me under the bus. I have told this story once, but it was a very tramitic experience for me. The social workers called the doctor and told them the same story I told about my mom not eating and wouldn't get out of bed, blah blah, but they told it in a way that I was doing this to her. That my mom was a fragile little old lady and I could make her eat and get up. WHAT!!??!! If the doctor and I didn't already have a relationship about my mom, it could have turned very bad. The doctor couldn't believe that they were in the home for 5 minutes and made their assumptions about me and what was going on. We asked for new nurses and social workers and viola--they saw a different picture. You have to be really careful who comes in the home and checks on things. Everyone makes their own opinion before hearing the whole story. That is what really worries me about my mom's lies, but now that she is in AL the workers and the director knows and it keeps it all good. Being in a public care facility is definitely what I recommend if it is possible.

Keeping the stress down is difficult - and the narcissist finds ample opportunity to raise it.

Kaz - glad you got your cat and the rest of your stuff. Good the social worker is involved. Hope you are recovering somewhat.

loo - it seems like there is continual pressure from one place or another -and if not then we wait for the other shoe to fall which it inevitably does - stress one way or another. Sorry you are not feeling well.

jewel - lies, deceptions, good that the staff have her number. If people listen to mother, they think I do nothing for her and ignore her. Most people find out the truth - all except my sis who prefers to believe mother. I would rather not have a sib, frankly.

judda - as cm says - forgive but that does not mean trusting her again. One definition of forgiveness is "giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me". Doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves.

I know about the seemingly endless phone calls taking care of business. Had a doozie today. Got a letter from mother's insurance company saying they were cancelling her insurance. Thought I had straightened it out last week. Called the toll free number - all lines down - got directed to voice mail which gave me the message that it was full, and sweetly said "Goodbye". Called the number I called last week - it was down and gave me the toll free number. Looked in the internet and found another number, called it, got a live body, eventually, who said I had sorted it out last week. I will check again before the end of this month as it is due for renewal then. I don't trust them.

Hopefully next week's meeting will go well and we will move mother soon and she will stay put for a while.

Take care all.

Good Friday morning. Today is national smile day. :-) ...and that is what I am going to do. I am going to smile all day and not think twice about my mother. I am going to ignore that I have any obligations other than with my own family.

Emjo- I hope you get everything worked out with the insurance. No matter what the dealing is, when you have to call to deal with things, it can take hours off your day It is hard enough dealing with things of our own, then to deal with someone else's , especially those who don't appreciate it, makes it worse.

Have a great weekend and SMILE!!

Lovely advice, Jewel :) See? I'm smiling! hee hee. It helps somehow. I read somewhere that 'sometimes the mind must lead the body, and sometimes the body must lead the mind' -- so sometimes just smiling really does help remind the rest of me that there's plenty to smile about.
Emjo, hope your insurance issue is all squared away. Many times, it seems that the information in the letter is not the most updated, so you probably DID get it taken care of over the phone. Still, one can never rest until it's all resolved.
Kaz, hope you're getting used to a little calmness in your life! It can feel downright weird at first! And like Emjo said, it's never fun waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Anyway, hope everyone has a nice weekend. We're getting an incredible heat wave again, and I'll be so glad once fall weather decides to stick around!

Guess what today is? Yes, it is Sunday. I stressed all last week because of having an ultrasound on her neck, her negative attitude was off the charts and I just couldn't calm down my mind. I decided on Friday to take a deep breath, smile, and let it all go. I did. I did some things I needed to do for my family, marked off a couple more things off my list and once again was invited to the movies (unexpectedly, which was the BEST!) with friends and I said yes. I woke this morning with that infamous state of dread in the pit of my stomach. I lie in bed, trying to calm down and deciding it is not worth the stress. I got up fixed breakfast for my family and went to my mom's. I was pleasantly surprised because the visit was pleasant. Only a few negative comments but nothing I couldn't handle, we laughed and talked about people we know in common and about her upcoming testing. The visit went very well. I am still in shock. I feel so great. It feels really good to come home with no stress. We will just be waiting on the doctor to call for testing dates and tonight my mind can rest. If most visits were like today, I could go more or call more. I won't fall in to a trap though. I will keep up my weekly routine and hope for more visits like today.

The peace I feel at this very moment, I pray for everyday. How nice it would feel to have this peace more often. The stress hormone doesn't exist in this body today and I know how much healthier I would be without it. Hallelujah!!

May the Lord bless you and keep you. Hope everyone has had a stress free weekend as well.

Thanks for reading.

jeweltone, I feel better just reading what you wrote. Thank you for sharing a positive. A friend of mine sent me this the other day in an email. I loved it.
-----
92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..

Ahhhh, 48 hours of no phone calls or emails. So THIS is what life feels like! Spacious, with a pretty nice rhythm, even when there are problems and things aren't perfect.
I spent a good chunk of time trying to get my head around difficult, overbearing people who, at first, seem to want nothing more than to help -- but who become impossible to deal with. I found a few articles on "pathological altruism" and am just so satisfied that someone gave it a name! According to what I've read, it's yet another co-dependent behavior. No surprise.
Argh, I don't want to be part of my mother's circle anymore. I'm tired of these exhausting interactions. I'm starting to feel downright ridiculous, continuing to engage. Guess that's a good thing.
Anyway, I'll put on my invisibility cloak, say all the right mantras, remember to breathe, and keep the boundaries up. Eventually, this will pass, and I'll have learned some very valuable skills.
Have a peaceful week everyone :)

Hi everyone.
I had a great time last week in Maine working for a new client making him a video.
I meditated with some friends, walked in nature, the weather was lovely, the fall leaves are incredible. What a nice break! But now I am home.

What time is it? Why it's Momma Trauma Drama Queen time! Geez, she gives me the I need an eye doctor appointment demand in as nice a way as she can put it. She forgot that last week she asked me to find her a new eye doctor close to where she lives. I did that before I left. I emailed her where she could go and it's only a mile or so away from her new home and she can get a senior shuttle bus there, no problem. I told her that I did that before I left.

Mom: I REALLY need to see an eye doctor! (implying death if it doesn't happen this minute and only I can deliver her.)
me: Yes. I sent you the information of a good one only a mile from you and you can take the bus there very easily.
Mom: How much more out of the way is it for you to take me to the one I went to before?
me: Well, the one you went to is in Hudson. That means I'd have to travel about a half hour to your place, take you back to Hudson, wait for you, take you back to Sudbury, and then drive myself back to Hudson, taking time off from work. OR you take the senior bus and get there whenever you wish and it's only a mile or so away.
Mom: WELL! you have NOTHING to do all day! No kids, no husband, why can't you take me?
me: I am working.
Mom: Oh, what are you like a doctor or something? You think you're so important!
me: Yes, I am working and we'd have to wait to make an appointment that is good for me, the doctor, and you...
Mom: (interrupting and getting more and more agitated and sarcastic) Well, I am GLAD we had this important conversation. Now I know how much I mean to you!

me: You asked a question. I answered it. You can think about it anyway you want to.
Mom: I can't talk to you. YOU get me so upset!
she hangs up.

Ha. Welcome back, daughter.

Yucky, yuck.

Now back to editing: my peace therapy, and later meditation.

Oh, one last chuckle: I wrote this account to my friend. We were sharing inspiration from someone in our meditation group, so the title of our email subject was: Meeting Daily Problems Develops Inner Strength!


Love,
Judy