Is it normal she's so negative?

Visited my mom on Sunday. Took her winter clothes over and a great big tacky deco-mesh halloween wreath I made. (Halloween is supposed to be tacky!) She used to do floral design, and used to love crafting stuff like this, so I thought (stupidly) that she might be interested in it. Well, they've lowered her dosage by health department rule, so she was no longer sweet and happy Ruth. There goes my plan.

My son helped me unpack all her clothes and thank sweet mercy she was NOT in her room when we did that. It goes so much better without her! We were on our way back through the common room and I heard her voice. It was just past lunchtime, and she was sitting at a table with another little old lady who was so shrivelled up she looked like a raisin in a church hat. There were three generations visiting with her that day and they were such sweet people.

Mom had just told them she'd been there three years and had never once had a visitor. !!! I walked up beside her and said "I don't think so mom!" I wish I had taken a picture of the look on her face.

I was able to tell those other people mom had only been in that unit a couple months, but had started over in the apartments amost one year ago exactly, then into the care unit, and now in the secure wing recently.

I showed mom her surprise (the tacky wreath) and she let out a string of swearing. Well, you're very welcome then! I might make her another one for Thanksgiving and then Christmas just to be a snot.

I told the nurse that if mom really hates it, then to give it to somebody else or the activities person. It wasn't ugly or poorly made, just big and bright orange & lime green with a Happy Halloween sign fixed to it with some Halloween floral picks. Tacky.

I rolled her down to see her clothes and the big pile that would not fit in her closet. She was happy about that at least. Then we got to go home.

Not even 24 hours later, my 13 year old daughter goes into hysterics because Dad jumped all over her over some missing assignments on the school's parent portal. Sometimes things are marked missing by the system if the teacher hasn't entered the grade on time. I don't get excited by that. She has always made straight As.

Dad however, made it into a Federal case and the poor girl just broke down. It was very theatrical - on both counts. Dad doesn't want to hear that he can't hit her over the head with a verbal sledge hammer. These things have to be done very gently. He doesn't get it. He doesn't perceive his own tone of voice or that he sounds angry when he maybe isn't.

Somehow, by going to calm my daughter and find out what is going on, I upset Dad and now he's angry with me for pointing out that perhaps next time to be a little more gentle with her. Both of them do the same thing - somebody says something fairly innocuous to them but between their ears it turns into face-melting criticism. They were BOTH in a real state at the same time- all to pieces for being stupid, incompetent, to dumb to do anything right, etc. You get the picture. A 43 year old man and a 13 year old girl acting the same. Holy cow, how am I going to make it to age 18?

I just went to bed and shut the ____ door. They can deal with themselves at this point. That shot the entire evening completely. I did not get to sit down and make another really tacky wreath and I was grumpy about that.

I can't explain what is so gratifying about making these monstrosities, but it is fun. If you've never seen a deco-mesh wreath, just google it. They are really something to behold, and I highly recommend tacky wreath therapy.

Sandwich, you are so aptly named! Oh my word, all the fun and games in one day… You poor love.

I do feel for Dad, too, though: my ex could never, ever handle my younger daughter. The rot set in when she was two or three and he instructed her to do something or other unobjectionable, you'd have thought - she drew back and said coldly "that is not my wish."

If you feel like intervening, I suppose it's a matter of explaining to her that Dad's having a pink fit over trivia (as she sees it, or pointing out something helpful, as we might see it) is proof positive that he loves her and wants her life to be simple. But I agree that not getting involved is the more peaceful option!

I don't underestimate how hurtful your mother's response to the Hallowe'en decoration (is that the word?!) must have been. She obviously had a complete sense of humour failure. Going with the flow is not something they're great at, is it? - but my goodness it does make you wonder why you bother.

If it were me I'd be stamping around the house grumbling and rhubarbing to myself - bloody families can make their own festivities waste of time mutter mutter hate hate rhubarb scowl humph...

I wish I still had the giant crepe paper turkey mom made in about 1978. My Lord, was that thing BIG. I think the body was a giant pine-cone. It had googly eyes. She had hand-painted the "feathers" onto the big fan of crepe papier stuck on the back end of it. Old Tom Turkey lasted many Thanksgivings, but I doubt he lasted past her move from the city to the country 15 years ago.

She had also made a Christmas decoration out of wire hangers and silver tinsel garland. There was one silver ball that hung in the middle. It did not look like a Christmas lantern or a star. It looked like wire hangers covered in garland with a ball ornament. U-G-L-Y, but it hung up for years.

I will carry this tradition forward with enormous, outrageous wreaths.

First of all Sandwich, I loved your story and the way you wrote it!!

As a young artist in the 1980's I had an unusual request to sculpt a turkey for a 2nd anniversary wedding present. At the time I had just prayed that I wanted a way to pay for a trip to California so I could attend a meditation convention. By intuition, I had a feeling to go to a particular bar at a particular time. I don't drink at all but I decided to see what the feeling was offering me. Sure enough a man I had worked for saw me and called me over. "Are you still an artist?" I said yes.
He then asked me how much would it cost for me to sculpt him a turkey in the next 3 weeks. I told him the amount I needed for the Calif trip. No problem, he answered. We made plans and I got to work sculpting a life-size turkey out of plaster, paint, and chicken wire. ( all out of turkey wire! ha) Everything was going fine except two things: the legs did not want to hold the weight of the body, and the plaster really needed a few months to dry before paint could be applied.But I happily had already accepted the check for the job and bought my plane ticket so I couldn't back out now. After many tries of getting the turkey to stand up, I called the guy, all shaken and practically in tears. He was terrific. "Don't worry," he said calming me down, "it's only a gag gift. You see, I gave the couple a LIVE turkey last year and I need something to top that. What else can we do?"
"How about turkey in the straw? It can sit on a straw nest." "Oh brilliant!" he laughed. "I'll build a little house around it." And so that's what we did. He loved the turkey, painted, peeing, but it was colorful, cute, and had a funny expression on its face. After my trip to California, the man thanked me and told me what a big success the gift was. Everyone thought it was a hoot.

Sandwich, I love your family tradition, and your plans to continue it! Sorry your mom didn't appreciate the wreath.
I have no talent for crafting whatsoever. I did make a Christmas wreath years ago, and thought it was nice, but it didn't hold up well. Martha Stewart I am NOT. The only thing I do now, craftwise, is bandanas for my dog. All I do is find cute fabric, take pinking shears, and cut a very imperfect triangle. Voila! My dog is instantly even more fabulous, hee hee...
No word back from the neighbor, which is a good thing. I did re-read my email to her just to make sure I was kind and not at all offensive. Nothing stuck out as being negative or provocative, or anything -- a pretty good letter, if I do say so myself. So I hope she took it in the spirit with which it was intended.
I spent a few hours today getting the ball rolling on a second referral to a neurologist for my mother, since she won't see her current one. I should get the new referral in 7-10 days, and will schedule an appt. then. Maybe I will take her--but I really don't know. We'll see...

How do you all get your parent to go to a new doctor or challenge her present one? Mom doesn't allow me to talk to him at all and the doctor only shares the basic and important info, that I already know. I don't think I have any power at all about her health until she is deemed insane.

Judda, is your mother's doctor taking on board what you tell him? - that's the thing. He can do dumb insolence for all he's worth and no harm done, even if it is irritating, but if he isn't taking into account information that you're giving him that's different.

I agree it would make life easier if he were a little more co-operative, but I suppose to an extent they're duty-bound to sit there like wise monkeys, especially if he's picked up on your mother's view of the matter.

I suppose, if you felt like getting a bit Macchiavellian about it, you could identify a geriatrician you like the look of, and ask your mother's doctor if he thinks it would beneficial for her (you give him a meaning smile at this point) to consult this specialist for a baseline assessment. Did you have one in mind?

Crossing from Macchiavellian to straight unethical (though practical), if you want your mother to change GP you'll have to drop dark hints about things her GP has been mentioning… you're not sure his attitude is wholly supportive of her… you wonder if he's really as conscientious as she might wish…

I couldn't possibly recommend that approach, of course.

Wacky Wednesday...or Tacky Thursday?!? Ha ha. I love the Tacky Wreath idea. My mom would fall over with disgust if I brought that to her. That would be funny to see that on her door. That would be one more thing she could hate and complain about. On the opposite side of this, my mom too loved to do crafts and make things. I wish I could send pictures of the paper mache nativity scene she did in the late 70's. It is absolutely beautiful. She took hangers (metal ones of course) and molded them into the figures, and material with the glue and gold spray paint. She still has them and cherish them. She also knitted a nativity scene and it is striking. She would take clorox bottles and yarn and make a santa to hang on the door. To much surprise I found one at my grandmother's house when we were cleaning up her estate. I put it back for me. And used to clorox bottles were used to make a purse with crochet--now that was Tacky. lol
I miss all the things my mom could do and I wish so many times that I had the time to sit down and make things, but I am like the rest of you that my mind stays in turmoil even when I am not with her. I am not near as talented as my mom though, that I can admit.

Sandwich, I so relate to the dad and his emotional sledge hammer. My husband does that with our 15 year old son. He constantly uses words and a tone of voice that I would like to squeeze his voice box. I too step in at times and let him know how inappropriate his approach is. I think I realize how I was treated and still treated and I don;t want my kids to feel like I do. Having kids at home, a husband, and trying to please mom will suck every inch of life right out of you. I am still trying to get my house in order and marking off my list getting ready for the weekend. Friends are starting to text and call about coming by...I am pretending for these two days that my mom doesn't exist. It is working --for a minute or two--then for some reason she pops back in my mind. I think she has a voodoo doll and pokes it from time to time to keep me focused on her.

Took mom to the doctor, glad we were able to get everything done in one day...see the doctor, ct scan, see doctor again, and he did a fine needle aspiration of the lump and is sending it to pathology for testing. He thinks it is a fatty cyst.--told you nothing could get her down. Ha! The ride over was a little stressful, but the doctor visit and the ride home was very tolerable. She even admitted it was nice to get out even if it was to go to the doctor. She did get emotional when we came back to town and she had to go back to AL. I told her if she could come up with a better plan, let me know. She gave me an evil eye, but I meant it. I am not going to feel guilty that she is in a safe environment.

All this talk of turkey crafts - mother would cringe. She was a wonderful seamstress, and also embroiderer. My daughter has taken after her and has done some beautiful work. I was pretty reasonable too, but these days I don't even want to sew on a button.

It seems you can't get away from it. My brain was settling down from mother, as she is doing reasonably well, then narcissistic drama queen dil issues crop up. I didn't break her and I can't fix her. I just have to stay away from her which means distance from my son too. Like any of us need more difficult people in our lives. I had a minor panic attack this morning - haven't had one of those in a long while. G is away a lot these days on business and that doesn't help, as I usually unload on him and he is supportive.

On the bright side, had a lovely supper with my daughter and grandkids. Good news! The oldest one, who is a late bloomer, has a decent job and likes it. Woo Hoo! Got a wonderful hugs from my granddaughter.

Mother has ground privileges, so they have asked me if she can go out a couple of times a week with her "shopper" lady -.D. I think it is a great idea and would be good for her. She can buy odd things that she feels she needs. D is not cheap, but, I think, worth it.

Don't feel guilty about anything, anyone! I am amazed how well we all do.

Has anyone heard from kazzaa? She hasn't been around for a while. I am hoping she is OK.

((((((hugs)))) to all

juddabuddhaboo==

I had to do that very thing with my mom & her doctors. She had two who were complete jerks to me. One of them even told me that I needed to move back to NC to take care of her. If I could have come through the phone I would have poked him in the eye...to start with. The nerve.

Mom thought the sun rose & set on those guys. She has always respected male doctors more. None of them were treating her core problems, and just barely attending to the surface issues.

It wasn't until I moved her to be nearby that I had any control over the situation. I made her an appointment and took her in. I knew this new doctor, and knew he was sharp and would see past her play-acting and flirting (ewwwwww!).

On the first visit, he took away her driving privileges by providing the form for a handicapped parking permit, and checked the box saying applicant was not competent to drive. Because of that the DMV would only issue her a plain ID, not a driving license! YAY!

He rewrote one Rx for Ativan to taper her off it, since she shouldn't have been on it to start with. He make one mistake though. He said out loud that going off it suddenly causes hallucinations. Mom used that against us, so we wouldn't taper her dosage as directed. She was convinced "I gotta have it! I gotta have it!" Nevermind that she had been on it for a few days and off it for who knows how long when she lived alone! She could not manage her meds by herself. Not by a mile.

The upshot is that sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and register mom with a new doctor and don't even make it a discussion point with anybody. Fill out the form to transfer records, and don't look back. To get mom in the car, I told her we had to see this new guy because her problems were complicated. She LOVED that!

Hoping Kazzaa is doing well; maybe being off of here is a good sign.
Yesterday, I had a few free hours after work, so I went to my first tai chi class. It was great! I hope to go regularly, once my hours dwindle down a bit (I'm at about 50 a week, but they go back down to 40 around early December--then up again in late January). It was so nice to focus on the movements, meeting some friendly, encouraging people, and get the b.s. out of my head for even an hour. I checked my phone when I got back to my car, and surprise suprise -- Betty's been at it again. She was told to call the home care number for any schedule changes, and now she's been calling them too much. Yesterday, she said she didn't want them more than once a week. So, I got an email asking me to confirm. I sat there in my car, in the parking lot, emailing them back (trying not to get all frantic), letting them know to keep her 4-day a week schedule as is.
I also quickly sent along a to-do list for the caregiver, since my mother will tell her that there's nothing that needs doing, and I guess she won't think beyond that.
So, maybe 15 minutes later, the class is a distant memory, and I'm back to managing, plotting, scheduling, trying to stay a few steps ahead...
Seriously, it's ALWAYS something. In addition to that, I spent the morning getting another referral to a different neurologist for her (because the previous one didn't flatter her--he did his JOB).
Today, I UPS her a week's worth of highbrow magazines which I know she never read even before she had dementia, and will monitor her banking and credit card activity, which is beginning to get just a little bit...well, not good. Nothing super critical yet, but it's coming. I'm hoping to get a letter of incapacitation from one of her doctors soon (I really wish it weren't SO DIFFICULT).
Emjo, take it easy. Panic attacks, even mild ones, are never any fun.
We're all doing a really good job. I've been reminding myself that no mean-spirited, petty, negative, vindictive person should EVER be treated like the center of the universe, even if they ARE in a fragile state now. All we should do is to take responsible, reasonable action -- we really should not be doing much more than that.
I

I agree, doctors have their own opinion of what they think is "right". Even though it shouldn't be that way, they are also human--humans you would like to choke many times over. Doctor after doctor put us throught the wringer as well until mom finally got so bad she had to go on hospice. The hospice doctor took control and here we are now in AL and doing much better.--even though I could choke him for that. Ha! It is also funny how medicine works, they also put my mom on ativan after trying many other medicines that didn't work at all. Without the ativan she would be an even more anxious mess .I wish there was a happy pill, I would give her that every 3 hours. One doctor put her on respiradol and she was up for 3 days straight, pacing the floors without sleep. I took her off that myself and she finally got some rest. Then after hospice they tried a few other things, but the ativan worked the best. She seems to need the dosage increased because she is getting angry again and needs to tone down. I liked it when they had her on a pretty heavy dose and she just slept most of the time--that's for me, not her. :-)

My mom too likes men better. She seems to relate with them and listens better to what they say. When we went to the ENT on Tuesday, she stated that he was nice, handsome and had pretty teeth. She said, "someone lucked out when they got him, nice and a doctor".... LOL I told her that one thing is for sure, he was a nice doctor but we don't live with him..She actualy laughed and said, true. When it comes to other women, she always finds something negative about them and how they "mistreat" her. She tried to tell me that the tech doing the ct scan was rude to her--I heard them laughing behind the door, so I knew better. She also has trouble with young people--like 35 and younger, especially 20 and younger.Some of the weekend help at the AL is 18-25 and she tells me they don't know what they are doing and that they are unfriendly--which to her means they don't like "old" people. Well just maybe the "old" person is being rude to the "young" person.--but not in her eyes of course.

Guess what today is? SUNDAY! You are right. Guess who didn't have to go to her mom's? ME! I cannot tell you enough about how good it felt this weekend to pretend she didn't exist. I have worked very hard, but I have enjoyed the weekend so much. If this is what it would be like, then I want it ASAP! I have taken for granted how good it feels to be with my family and enjoy time without the stress and worry of her and her nonsense. My dad's family came to visit this weekend and I talked with my aunt and she reminded me that I did not have to do what I am doing and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. She reminded me that my mom cannot hurt me anymore and I need to stop enabling her. She even let me in on a little secret. She told me she was even afraid of my mom--this is my dad's sister. She stated how my mom used to make her feel when my parents were married. My aunt told me that her and my grandmother always knew that my mom was so controlling over me and they wished they could do something about it. She told me I can do something about it now, but she understood how difficult it probably would be being the situation. Hearing her say out loud that I didn't have to do this, made me feel better, but my question is how? How do I just stop? I realize the only way I will ever be free from the stress of her words and negativity is to get away from it, like this weekend. Trying to not listen to it doesn't do the trick. Pretending I don't hear her, doesn't work and my mom is not going to stop complaining. If I could go to the top of the world right now and yell out how happy I have felt all weekend, I would. Knowing I will have to call her in a day or so makes me cringe, but I am holding on to the peace I have for the moment.

I talked to my mom on Friday and asked her if she got her hair done--this is after the beautician told me my mom wouldn't come over, then changed her mind...My mom yelled at me and asked me why I didn't tell her she was going to do her hair. I DID tell her, she just didn't remember. I didn't call to remind her so she thinks I didn't tell her. With that said, my mom didn't want to get her hair done, but she did anyway. I blew it off and told her I did tell her and I am glad she got it done. Over with and I got off the phone and have had the best two days off!!

Jewel. Learning how to carve your own space out of the moment, live in the moment, and let the other crap fly, is the best medicine I learned for myself and for my parents. Keep on feeling your joy: no matter what.

Happiness is the best revenge, so they say.

Hi everyone--been a while. Jewel--that is marvelous. You received a truly inspirational message. I have been following everyone just not writing. I am thinking of everyone but didn't have the ambition to write--think I am getting depressed. My MIL was quite ill and my husband and I were incredibly busy. She was life flighted to a bigger hospital and the eventually came back. My mother has grown angry and despondent. She has always been up and down in her moods and I never knew what to expect growing up, but I realized I do not even have much of a life anymore. I don't see my husband very much--we are each spending so much time with our mothers, and my friends really don't call anymore. I never have time for them. My mother is living independently in a duplex with her dog, but I am watching her become more confused and nervous although she still can do some cooking, and get around in her house. She has trouble walking much of the time but I don't think she will leave to go to a senior place because of her dog and the money. If she went to assisted living her money would run out i about two years. I guess Medicaid could kick in. My mother has been better for quite a while--by better I mean nicer--but I think it is because I am over her house most every morning and most every day after work and on weekends. I am watching myself lose myself and I think it is affecting my marriage. I don't retire until June and getting through until the. is tough. I am having a home service provider come next week to help my mother but I will pay for it so probably they will only come every other week. Thanks for letting me chat and for reading this. I am feeling pretty pathetic and victimized and I don't like letting myself go down into that hole but I don't see any escape routes. I am encouraged by your entries so often but I just feel so alone right now. No siblings to help. Just a mom who has lots of needs and me who doesn't know how to say no because of her depression and physical limitations. Pathetic, huh?

Thanks Judda: I am trying to remember that. I have that pit of dread today knowing I must call and check in with the master mind. I have rehearsed all morning about what I am going to say and quick, then get off the phone. We still have no word on her results from last week and I will have to hear how sorry that is from her. Life is good and I need to remember how good it really could be!

njny: It is so glad to know you are okay. I feel your pain feeling depressed and victimized. I feel so pathetic myself that I don't even want to write about it. I don't want to be viewed as weak anymore. That is why I did write something positive when I felt it. I am trying really hard to find those moments that I am happy and loving it. They are still few and far between, but they are there if you just look hard enough.This deal with my dad has made it even harder on me, but I am waiting for that moment when I can talk to him and let him in on how I am feeling.--at least he will listen even if he does his own thing. It is not pathetic that we realize that our parents have these limitations and when we are the only one how do you say no?--I am saying no more often, but it still paralizes me with the guilt. The guilt that hangs around and keeps me imobile in my own home. Take time to write how you feel and hopefully you won't feel so alone. Lonliness is a dangerous thing especially when we are forced to be lonely. I have a friend that has quit calling me also because I always have to say no to her when she asks me to do things. At first glance, it makes me upset that she does that because she knows my situation. Then I become upset with her knowing my situaiton and doesn't just call to check in on me. It goes two ways there. I have notice via social media that she had some girls over for brunch a couple weeks ago and didn't even ask me to come. I know in her own mind she is thinking I would say no anyway, but on the other hand it would be nice to know she thinks of me too. I assume when we lose those frineds, ask ourself, are they really our "friends"?

Have a great rest of the week and learn to say NO more often!!

The feelings of alone-ness come and go for me. I like being alone, no problem there, but there are days when I hear the silence from certain people more loudly than usual, if that makes sense.
My extended family (my mother's and father's families) I never got to know well at all, growing up. My father's family is in Europe, and we don't speak each other's languages. Now that my father has been gone for 5 years, that entire side of the family tree has fallen away. My mother's family lives on the other side of the country, and I realized last night that she took my brother and me for visits a total of 3 times during our childhood. A cousin came out to visit us once; my grandmother did twice I think, until she got too frail. We went back once in 2001 as adults, for a wedding, where I met some second cousins for the first (and only) time. Anyway, I have hardly anything to do with them, and vice versa. I have one cousin I communicate with on Facebook (and she's very nice), but that's it.
When my dad died in December 2009, I received several sympathy cards, emails, Facebook posts, etc. From NON family members. I received nothing from family.
I've begun notifying people of my mother's dementia and how I'm handling her affairs, and again, NO response from family, and people who were "like family."
I know that this is not a reflection really on me. It's more of "reaping what was sowed." Minimal effort was put into cultivating a close family, and this is what we have. And, my mother has alienated people over the years, and I also didn't make a concerted effort to keep in touch with people who I always thought of as more my parents' friends than anything else.
Still, the silence was somewhat surprising, just how loud it was. I do think that if it were reversed, if any of these people informed me of the same thing, I'd respond in a timely, hopefully sensitive way. To put the word out and hear NOTHING back is a lonely feeling, even if we don't really have much contact at all.

Looloo - wait until there's anything to divide up after mom dies, THEN you'll have family coming out of the woodwork to talk about how close they always were. This happened when my dad died. People I had never seen before in my life, who had last talked to the man 25 years prior were suddenly in the house, eating our bereavement food, sitting on the furniture, having a grand old visit. I was 15 at the time and boldly mentioned to someone that it might have been more enjoyable had they come while he was still alive. :-/

I got the same silent treatment when I announced I was moving mom last year. NOTHING except from my dad's brother and her sister in law. Neither of whom are related to her by blood. Her sisters wouldn't come visit before we left. They don't send her mail, they don't call me to check in. NOW I hear they are upset and concerned because they can't get ahold of her anymore and don't know why. Give Me A Flippin Break. Maybe refer to the letter I sent last Christmas with all the details? That Christmas card none of them responded to? Yes, that one.

Sometimes family is strictly genetic and nothing beyond that.

sandwich, my mom's nieces and nephews (save for one niece) have been conspicuously absent and phone calls were few for all of Dad's illness and the years that followed. Not a casserole or a visit. When Mom went into AL, I called three of them to explain her need for care. Haven't heard from anyone since then (4 years) but have heard thru the grapevine they are furious with us that she's not living with my sister. Furious she's in NH. She tells them she's fine and doesn't belong there. They choose to believe it, we choose to take care of her. Sis and I are fine with no contact with these yutzes, don't care what they say and know Mom is feeding it. Whatever. Should they decide to say something to us, we're ready with no explanations or answers. When you don't have skin in the game, you don't get to call any plays.

Sandwich, I'm sure you're right! About how these people will appear when my mother dies. Sigh... One cousin I never had any communication with, I DID speak to nine years ago -- in order to ship her a piece of furniture that I couldn't take with me when I left my marriage. She was so happy to get that too, telling me "How I COVETED that piece!" Seriously. She said "covet!" Good grief.
My parents didn't specify which items should go to which people, so I do think about who might like to get what. I don't have any attachment to ANYthing, so if someone were to want something, and I thought they actually did have a good relationship with my mother or father, I'd be fine with it. But no one comes to mind.

Negative Nancy here!! I just came from a visit with my mom. Oh Lord. I had to hold back the tears and the awful things I wanted to say to that woman. Like I have said we had a festival in our town this weekend which we park cars and friends stop by and there is so much traffic it is too hard to try to get out. Now with that said, she knows all this and knew I wasn't coming to visit on Sunday. She was all fine and dandy with it until I got there tonight. I spoke with her on Friday so there wouldn't be too many days in between--for my sake only. She calls me while I am at work today and asks when I am coming over along with "did you survive the festival" being all nice and concerned--yea, right! Once again pulled me in---said the wolf to little red riding hood. I tell her I will be there after work, then it began: It will be dark then (not at 5:00), well, it will be late then (not at 5:00). What about tomorrow? Mom, I have to work tomorrow too, well, then just forget today and tomorrow, when can you come?-=really :-( \

AFter 15 minutes of telling her I will come after work, she agreed with a huge sigh and smartness. I go visit and she had her pill box and pills out for me to do and started her probing. Did you go downtown? Did you buy anything? Did you give the kids their money I sent them? (and to her because they didn't call during this busy time, then they don't care about her--don't talk about my kids that is means of disaster) Did you work yesterday?--on and on. This was not for small talk you understand, this was ammunition for the attack about to come. As I answered the questions she began to cry and tell me in her hateful voice about how much she hates it there and how bad she wants out of there---I know this already. She started on the food, the people, and how I made her go there and how I dropped her off and she begged me not to leave her--that is not how it went. She went willingly even though she will tell you that's a lie. My mom being 69 soon does understand that there are mostly people that are of the age 80+. She says this is an old folks home and she don't belong there. Maybe she don't, but where in the h*** is she supposed to go. Then here came the attack once again. "even if you had a place big enough, you wouldn't take me home with you anyway"..--maybe she is right, but I told her I don't have a place big enough so how would she know and that she cannot assume something that isn't real. She went on and on and I was making her a list for the grocery for Sunday. I stopped what I was doing and told her I wasn't staying if this was what the conversation was going to be about. then she said, well go on, you sure don't have to stay, you didn't want to come in the first place. When were you here last? When is the last time I talked to you? You didn't even take 5 minutes this weekend to see if I was alive or dead! I told her I called her Friday and she yelled no you didn't, I called you. We went back and forth about who called who and good grief people it had only been two days---T W O (2) days.I need a life and I need it now away from her. She said you don't even want to come here and you don't care about me anyway. You make me stay here. I then proceeded to tell her she could leave at anytime and no one was forcing her to stay. She had the nerve to tell me not to talk to her like a dog. I told her that she was the one making me feel like I was just a good for nothing daughter that didn't do enough for her. She told me to just go on.---and I DID!! I could hear her carry on as I shut the door... "you don't care anyway, you could careless about what happens to me" and it faded and faded because I kept walking down the hall.I will NOT take this from her anymore. I will leave every time she starts it. I have decided that. I am tired, exhausted, and done with being put down like I am that scared little girl. The manipulation has to stop. I feel really bad that she hates it where she is, I get that whole heartedly. I cannot fix it and that makes her think I don't care.--maybe I don't??? No one likes to be put down, manipulated, crushed to the ground and made feel worthless.

Thanks for reading. I am on such an emotional roller coaster and I am so glad I have you in the same car.

jewel, so sorry your visit was painful and difficult. But you're making good steps toward balancing caring for your mom and caring for yourself. Baby steps.

Jewel--that sounds like an episode from a horror flick. By reading your words, I could feel how awful each serrated word felt as she inflicted them on you. Girl--somehow you and I (and lots of us) have to protect and honor ourselves. I am so inspired by the increasing self- preservation techniques I see many of you writing about. I don't know how exactly to do it, but I am going to try and remind myself over and over about that compassionate detachment. Right now my mother is in one of her depressed periods. She has had them throughout her life but I always feel that I can cheer her up and make her happier, and often I can, but I am truly wearing out---burning out. I normally would have gone over to do my song and dance, but I didn't. She didn't ask me to come and and I didn't go. I usually feel compelled to try and help. It feels weird but good that I went home instead.

I am going to hire a caregiver to come maybe every other week for 2-3 hours to clean, cook or take my mother out if she wants to go. Whatever she wants. I wish I had a ton of money--then I would hire someone to come much more often or I would help her pay for assisted living. I hope the caregiver helps--not sure it will. i realized I am getting so wrapped up in her that I am truly losing myself, putting my marriage in jeopardy, etc. Sometimes I can see things so clearly, but when things get all enmeshed I get myself very messed up. Balance, balance, balance. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Balance, boundaries, and big girl panties--yep. You know what makes this so difficult? Even though I don't always like my mother, sometimes I really do, and I do love her. What complexity! So... balance, boundaries and big girl panties--my new mantra!

I think I will also file down my buttons so they aren't pushed so easily. Hmmm... metaphorically, what does that look like?

Caregiver is exactly what you need. Try to let the caregiver do what you hire her to do and don't second guess it or let your mom hate it so bad that you take back over. Take that time to go home and read a book or what ever it is you like to do. It was very difficult to give up control and my mom made me once again feel like I was doing something wrong. Stick to it.

It has taken me several hours to finally calm down and realize she cannot keep doing this to me. My husband finally told me tonight that I may need to come to a point that I stop going at all. I am with him and want to cut the ties. I want to be free!!

Jewel--we each deserve and should be free. I believe it is our job on earth to discover our gifts and joy and live our lives to the fullest. I don't do it, but I believe it. :-) Your husband is working to help you. Is there any way he could go with you every now and then? Also, I was wondering if you could catch your mom in a less-than-awful mood and sort of draw up a pact. You will come and visit on Sunday as long as she treats you in a kind and respectful manner. You will not be able to stay when she uses words that are hurtful and unkind. I guess you need to be the mother and set the limits. I don't think you should go there by yourself anymore unless she can behave appropriately. You are hurting to much and having to work too hard to get rid of the negativity after you leave. Any chance you could get her a caregiver on top of what she already has? Or would that add fuel to her fire? I feel horrible for you but hopeful that things will get better. You have enough with your father next door! Good grief!

(((((jewel)))) You don't have to call her and you don't have to visit her.

Last winter, as mother's paranoia increased I got 3 crazy phone calls a day for months, and an nasty situation when my sis came to visit mother and decided she was going to take charge and move her without consulting me. Finally, I stopped answering the phone to my sis and to mother -about the beginning of December. I worked behind the scenes with a psychiatrist and the AL staff and second week of Feb mother went into the psychiatric hospital. I did not have any contact with her until the summer. I have seen her twice and talked to her on the phone once. It was just too much and she was too crazy, and of course, took it out on me. I set a boundary that I would not see her unless she was properly medicated, so her mood was better. Now she is on an anti psychotic and bearable to be with. I had a very hard time during the winter and had to take a long break for my own health.

Honestly, I think my being available to her was enabling, and when I cut contact, her illness showed more to others as she did not have the outlet of pouring it out on me. That meant the drs. saw it and she got into treatment.

Please look after you. Why would you say no to invitations from your friends? Re-establish contacts and build your life back up again? I doubt your mother is benefitting from your attention, as she just dumps on you. That is not doing either of you any good. We have to give up society's view of mother-daughter relationships. We just don't fit into the norm.

Is your mum on meds? Perhaps she needs an adjustment if she is. Does she put on this act just for you and then enjoy her self and socialize when you are not there? Does she really hate it or is she using that against you. This sounds to me like emotional/verbal abuse plain and simple, and I would walk away, and not return until and unless you are ready to. There is no law that you have to visit your mother. Her needs are met there without you being around. You have gone over and above what is needed for her. There is no reason on God's green earth why you should put up with any more abuse.

Please listen to your husband.

Emjo, what you say about us enabling is very true. I grew up in a household with a lot of addiction issues and codepency (brother was a druggie/alcoholic, narcissistic mother overate, father was very much a passive-aggressive martyr). I feel like quite a hypocrite sometimes, because I always wanted to believe that I would NEVER enable the way I thought my parents did. But I have enabled in so many ways, in all of my relationships. I have spent the last several years really focusing on breaking these patterns, and I've made tremendous headway in many ways. But with the mother situation, it's extremely difficult. Every day is stressful, every day is a challenge. Each day is the same, and yet different enough that I need to be aware, to take a few steps back, and adjust as necessary. Sometimes the effort just doesn't seem worth it, and I really want to just walk away. And you know what? Maybe it's NOT worth it. And maybe that's ok. Maybe my OWN peace of mind, my own health, is worth at least as much, if not a little more, than the struggle to make things ok, when they're inherently NOT ok, and no one else involved is doing the work necessary on their end to improve things.

Hello, new to this discussion.
MIL and FIL came to live with us a few months ago. FIL had late stage dementia and passed away a month ago. MIL went off the rails when he died, overdosed on some of her tranquilizers and was basically crazy for a couple of weeks. But, she is getting better, although she was diagnosed with early dementia so I am sure it won't last. But all she does is complain. As I see it, she has it made right now, with my husband home in the mornings, afternoons to herself, and me coming home to fix supper in the evenings. She has home health care people a couple of times a week. So there is nothing wrong. But she sits outside all day smoking (complaint #1 is I won't allow her to smoke in the house) and thinking of new things to complain about. #2 is that she is 'always freezing'. She sits around in sleeveless blouses and shorts, I keep the house around 75 because of her, it would be cooler if up to me. But will she put on more clothes, or the warm socks I bought her? Nooo. Just complains. I have snapped and told her she would always be freezing in our house, and that she can get used to it or not. When she lived at home they kept the smoky stinky house at 90, with space heaters. She complains that people don't talk loud or slow enough that she can hear them. She is pretty much deaf. And she is also vision impaired. So can't see or hear, which means I am straining my voice to bellow at her. TV is on at the top volume. She can't actually see it and there is nothing I can do about that. Telephone calls - she can't hear the phone ringing, and if someone calls her she can't really hear them. She also can't remember that they have called so complains about no one calling her. She also has a little dog, who is not housebroken. So I am forever cleaning up her little piles. and MIL keeps falling. Which I know is a feature of being elderly. She has a cane that she is supposed to use at all times. Well, the dog runs under her feet and trips her. My husband says if she keeps falling she will have to go to a care facility. and she gets so angry about that and starts screaming that she is not going into a nursing home and is not giving up that dog. Scared and angry. And feeling like she has to behave a certain way so we don't stick her in a home. In her mind. That is not the plan. We will care for her at home till we can't. After the episode with FIL, that will be sooner than later when she deteriorates. And the nursing home will let the dog visit. Which means I will have to care for it, and I will housebreak it. She won't allow me to crate the dog for training.

OK. so there I was complaining about my MIL complaining. Ack. Thanks for listening to that. She is a lot easier than my FIL was, at least. But still, caregiving is a challenge. And when someone is not happy about anything, it is a bigger challenge. She doesn't know how to be happy, and stews about every little thing from every moment in her life that didn't go her way.

Thanks for listening, have some cheese to go with my whine,
Christine

Cam, is she not a good candidate for ALF, then? I don't know if the system's the same near you, but the usual convention round here is that if you already have a pet you can take it with you but they won't allow new arrivals once you're installed. So she'd be able to take her poo-ey dog with her, whoopee..!

You've all been through such a time of it. Good to hear from you, though I'm sorry it's still so rough. Hugs.