Is it normal she's so negative?

I do enable my mother and I know it. I did leave on Tuesday telling her I wouldn't take that from her. If you recall about two or three months ago, I had to "snap" at her and tell her to stop complaining so much. It lasted all of two weeks. Now she is back at it. I called her today after I received her results from the doctor--all is good (don't know how I feel about that though, is that bad? I was kind of hoping for some relief)--she was pleasant on the phone after me walking out yesterday. She even thanked me for calling, but that is a put on I am afraid. She knows I won't put up with it, but yet she keeps doing it. They have tried everything with her meds and the anxiety pills and the pain meds are all that really makes a difference. I would love to up the anxiety meds back to where she is more sedated but they won't do it. I really liked my mom much better when she stayed in bed half a sleep all the time. That is for me of course and not healthy for her. If she were more sedated, the AL probably wouldn't keep her, they would suggest nursing home and then we would be out of money in two years.

The idea of someone else coming in AL to help out sounds great, but she really can't afford both--AL and extra caregiving. If it gets to where I just have to walk away then someone will HAVE to come in at least once a week and fix pills and go to the grocery. She is better with the staff, with a sarcastic kind of way, but they deal with it because they are not emotionally attached. There is one girl that works there that my mom has snowballed and manipulated to the point the girl feels sorry for my mom---just the way she likes it. This girl is very sweet and does everything my mom wants. Then my mom complains about her to me. I just say, "mom she is really sweet and helps you a lot"..I don't let her talk about her.

When I called her today, she went on and on about what took the test results so long. "Did you ask them what took so long" Did they say why they took so long? What took so long...mother!!! how many ways can you ask the same question? Ha! I did tell her it was over and we have the results and there wasn't any need to keep asking about it. Whew. She becomes obsessed.

I read something today and I have said it out loud several times "God please calm the storm, or at least calm the child" I am waiting for the calm!! The only way there will be calm here will be when there is no mother... How sad!?!

Cam: glad you could join us...I am with emjo, we do not have the normal relationships that some do have. There is nothing in writing that states we have to do this. Complaining and negativity seems to be the norm when we discuss our demented parents. I pray it stops soon.

Jewel, I have seen others on this board that say what works with folks like your mom is to simply walk out when the negativity starts. It sounds like your mom has some OCD along with the dementia and narcissism. Can you develop some sweet sarcasm? (what took so long? Why mother dear, the labs in this country are working overtime testing Ebola patients, don't you know?). Your mom sounds as though she enjoys "stirring the pot", yes? Limits, limits, limits. Meditation. Buddhist chants. Before and after your visits. Keep them brief. Have a plan of things to do for the visit and then LEAVE!

I am also new to this particular discussion. My aunt is VERY negative and tells her children I don't do anything for her & uncle...both have AZ/dementia. Two of their children choose to believe that sh*t becausr of personal issues between us and their own guilt. The negativity is really bringing out my "dark side". Of course I cannot act on it but the dark fantasies that often go through my mind as a form of mental release are astounding. I am having negative thoughts now also due to constant barrage of it around me. I very seldom get a complete break for a few days and all this hate & suspicion, accusations and BS in general is taking a toll on me. Aunt & uncle need a doctor who specializes in dementia, etc but cannot get cousins to do anything. The family members only make an impossible situation worse. I am beginning to despise all of them and I feel bad for feeling that way.

My mom knows how to give out sarcasim but she doesn't take it very well. I have tried being nice and sweet along with scarcastic and snappy. The nicer I am the meaner she qets but calms down quicker. The more scarcasstic I am, the meaner she gets and stays that way. She DOES love to stir the pot!! She loves to argue and I am tired of arguing with her. No matter what is said, she is always right.--but then tells me I am trying to be right. I get this from my dad also, he is always right. I need to find a time to talk to him as well over this moving next door thing. I have been so stressed out that I can't even breathe. When I visit my mom all I can think about is my dad next door and how in the world will I explain that one. When I am home, there is my dad in and out working on his house and in and out of my house...NO PRIVACY!!!! I am almost 47 years old and still have not been able to live my own life. I hate my life right now. I loathe being an only child and I cannot stand the situations that I am forced to be in. It takes everything I have to get up, get to work and go home and face what's there. My dad is a great man and is NOTHING like my mom, but I am still stuck in this divorced triangle and now it is NEXT DOOR, people. I have told my mom she cannot live with me and my dad is moving in next door. What in the world is happening? I feel like I am becoming obsessed like my mom over things, but how do I help from it when it is truly happening.--I don't think I am looking for you to answer, I am just writing my thoughts. Ha!

I am not letting her stress me with her words right now, I am just stressed over the ugly triangle I am forced to live in. If I could move far away, I would.

butterfly: It is so normal to have these feelings against people who are always downing our efforts. I hardly ever use the words hate, despise, loathe, etc. It seems now I am full of hatred and I even hate that...LOL I am sure the stress hormone (cortisol) is so strong in my body right now I would be scared to know what it is doing to my body. I have all intensions to go work out and I am too stressed to go do it. I am paralyzed by all this. Just as I was learning to deal with my mom and learn to walk away, my dad decides he is moving in. Oh Lord help me!!

jeweltone, I wish I had some answer but I don't. I could literally feel your pain as I read your words just now. Know that I care and would give anything to make it better for you.

Jewel, butterfly -- regarding the dark, angry, hateful thoughts -- yep, me too! :) I am usually really good at finding humor in things, even if it's getting a little twisted nowadays, lol. But yes, on especially bad days or stressful weeks, I also entertain thoughts I'm not exactly proud of. Here's something that might make you chuckle--if there's a headline in the news describing something really awful that a child has done to their parent, I'll read the entire thing, and then comfort myself by thinking, "Well, I know I'd never do THAT!!!" Having that gut feeling, that I know myself well enough to know that my thoughts are just thoughts, is very soothing, in its own very weird way. I hope you have that feeling too, that your thoughts are just that. Only thoughts, that come and go. Not that they're inconsequential, of course, but they're not YOU. Know what I mean? :)
Hoping you have a peaceful week. Hugs!!!

I find one way to stop myself being really horrible is to imagine somebody else doing or saying whatever evil I have in mind. If anyone else spoke to my mother like that -?!!!

I have found no way, however, of making myself be pleasant and sweet-tempered at all times. Or indeed on your average day :-/

I do not lash out or speak to them inappropriately. I do that in my thoughts. All of us humans have a dark & light side. Anyone who says they do not...it is having the restraint to not act on them that makes all the difference.

Lol...I only have thoughts, never do I lash out either except when I need to say what needs to be said and it really isn't lashing even thought I would love to. I roll my eyes in my head too when I am around her. I won't even allow myself to roll my eyes at her..**sigh** I think I keep it all in so much that it carries with me all week and then guess what?--It will be Sunday again and I will be holding in last weeks anger and this weeks anger and last weeks then next weeks--get the point? Ha ha. I am full of anger, stress, I am starting to feel like the victim and I NEVER wanted to ever feel that way. Why me? Woe is Me!--that is my mother NOT me!

While speaking to my aunt this weekend, she reminded me of the loving relationship she had with my grandmother (this would be my dad's mom). I was reminded how my grandmother loved all of us unconditional and that is where I find comfort. I stayed with her when I was a little girl while my parents worked. She took me to church every Sunday and Sunday School. She taught me so much about loving others. She also knew how controlled I was and she showed me there was another way to live life. She passed 15 years ago and I miss her so much. I was explaining to my aunt how bad I feel wishing my mom were no longer around. I do not ever wish her harm, but just wish she didn't exsist. She told me that was so normal and even she had those thoughts about my grandmother--the person she loved dearly and had a great relationship with. She said is was a relief when my grandmother passed just because the stress it put on both of them, her being ill. It helped me feel better, but I am better than my thoughts and the stress that is over taking me. Some may say, let it go, I will never be able to let it go as long as she is hounding me and telling me I don't do enough--in her own words of course. I am consumed with freedom and wanting it now. I don't want my dad living next door, I don't want to take care of my mom anymore and I want to be on the beach somewhere away from all this black cloud and chaos that is hovering over me.

Thanks for reading my woe is me moments. :-)

Jewel, all joking aside, have you considered moving house?

Yes, I have considered moving! I didn't until now, but I love the neighborhood I am in and so do my children. We are so close to everything. It may come to that if my dad doesn't cooperate when I talk to him. I am just nervous to talk to him, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it has to be done. Even if her were up the street, I would still have a hard time, but I could accept that, but next door? Really? and I mean next door, when you walk out my kitchen door there he is. Not on the other side of me, but right there in my driveway.

Thanks for the caring thoughts. I am just having a rough day, week, month right now. I feel like I am just going through the motions to get through the day. I loved life so much and smiled and laughed. Now I am so down on life and it hurts to smile. There is no pill that will fix that and I am not going to dope myself up to get through the day. I am working really hard to get through these situations and I so appreciate each of you listening.

**he** were up the street

Jewel--I hurt for you. This is just so unfair. Maybe you could build a 20 foot fence and perhaps your dad would notice and take the hint. :-). Somehow, some way, you need to step outside of this craziness and nurture yourself. Can you get away for a retreat? Just tell your family you need some alone time? Get a massage and spa treatment and go shopping somewhere in driving range? It might help you gain some insight on what you need to do to take care of yourself. I might consider the same thing after I retire. Or maybe you could meet a friend and do the spa thing. I am not really trying to give you advice--who am I to do that anyway? I just think you need to somehow step outside of all of this--you need to gain perspective and strategize as to how you want to live the rest of your life--not like this! You are too young! You sound like such a beautiful person and you have so much to offer. You deserve a happier existence.

Your dad should not have decided to move next door to you without asking you if that was something you would feel good about. I can see how you have been victimized but there must be a way to stop their song and your dance. I hope you can make your own music and love it. I hope the same for me also. And for all of us.

Hi everyone, happy Friday. I'm very tired after a long week.
I did my usual acrobatics, scheduling and rescheduling a check-up for my mother. I had to reschedule since she made it for a day that her home care person doesn't come. Then, I had to confirm and re-confirm the new date w/the home care person, since my mother was arguing about it. I emailed the caregiver a form that my mother would need to take with her to get her lab work done (she had previously NOT taken care of this on her other appointment last month), and after all the coordination, assumed things were good to go.
Well...she DID get her blood work done, so that was good. But she completely bailed out on her doctor's apppointment. I assume that her caregiver was simply unable to 'wrangle' her, and I do understand how hard it is. I spoke to her doctor, and she was pretty satisfied to see the results of the blood work, but did hope to do a routine physical. This isn't her primary physician, this is an oncologist. Long story short, several years ago, my mother had symptoms of MDS, which is a blood disorder that is now classified as a type of cancer, but wouldn't you know it, she seems to be just fine now, in that department anyway.
After speaking with the doctor, and rescheduling YET again, I thought about whether or not I should get involved in another battle with my mother. This might be turning into a pattern for her, since she refused to see her neurologist a few weeks ago (a second referral is in the works). Anyway, I've decided to let this go. I'm cancelling the re-re-scheduled appointment, and will not pursue it further. I'm saving the fight for getting her to her new neurologist, since her predominant problem is the dementia. And if she refuses that, well...cross that bridge when we get there.
On one of my facebook posts this morning was something from a Buddhist meditation society, that said "Better to do nothing than to waste your time." I'm taking it to heart today.
Hope you all have a really nice weekend :)

My daughter told me today to stop complaining and do something about all this nonsense...great advice, I will get right to it. Ha! I don't take that as an insult like my mom would, I know I need to do something about this paralyzing triangle I am in. My dad came up again to work on the house and of course came straight over to my house. As he left he said, "I will see you tomorrow"...grrrr!!! My daughter ask me why I am so annoyed with my dad because he is so good to us. She told me it all stems back to my mom.--this is so true. I sat for a minute and I told her, I am not so annoyed with him as I am the whole situation. My mom chose him to be my dad, right? She made the choice to let him walk out the door, and now she makes the choice to continue to hate him. I sound so smart....then my inner little girl comes out when I think about getting in trouble for having him next door, even though that was NOT my choice. She would love it if he were this dead beat dad that I never saw.

I will have to say though I have had a little peace today by telling myself these are her choices and I cannot control him or her. I do choose to continue to visit her and call her and do for her so I need to suck it up if I am still making these choices myself. Looloo, I like the quote: I do that a lot, I do nothing and my life is showing it. I waste tons of time on her, even when I am not there, I am still over thinking it.

Jewel, that's the stress of it - the sheer waste of mental energy. Impossible just to switch off all those revolving thoughts. You - I should say we, because I do much the same thing - need to find something more worthwhile to occupy our heads, is the thing. Your daughter's not wrong, of course. Sigh. Everything is so simple when you're young and beautiful… :)

jewel, in your situation I would tell my mother that dad moved in next door and that you were surprised about it. If she gets mad, it will be something she has to deal with. You have no control over that. Then I would figure out a way to put up some boundaries and limits with my new neighbor. It is most awkward. Did your dad tell you why he chose to live so close? It is awkward. I would feel like my parents were watching me if I had a date or wanted to have a beer in the back yard. I feel for you, but if he already bought the house, what can you do?

I wouldn't try to hide things from my mother. That involves you in the complicity of hiding the big purple elephant outside your door at home. It puts a lot of stress on you.

cm and jb: Thank you. It is VERY awkward. The plan for my dad was to buy the house and rent it out and let us pick the renters--neighbors. Ha! I wasn't at all worried about my mom thinking he was renting out the house. She would have NEVER known. He told me he was looking for an investment to leave me and my family being something were to happen to him. He wanted us to have a rental property. How great of him, right? That is what he told us, anyway. Two weeks ago he tells my husband, NOT me, that he is moving in. GRRR! I told my husband that wasn't happening and that he misunderstood what my dad said. UM, NO, I guess I was the one who misunderstood my dad's plans. I believe he knew I would never go for it and that is why he didn't tell me. When I brought it up to him two weeks ago, he said, yes, I planned on moving in. He acted like I knew this. I like my privacy too much to have my dad next door and WHY in the world would I put myself in this situation? I WOULD NOT!!! I would not allow my dad to move next door knowing I already told my mom she cannot live with me. WOW!! The stress of this is wearing me out. If I had known his TRUE plan, I would not have told him the house was going to auction. Once again, open mouth and insert foot.--that would be me. I have a plan to tell my mom, but I am so nervous of her reaction. She will be so mad, and when I say mad, I mean she will become obsessed about it and she will put me down like it is my fault. I plan on telling her he is only living there while he fixes it up to rent out, and she will carry on about his own house, blah blah. I wish I could turn my focus to something else, but this is consuming me just like her complaining and negativity. this just adds to it. My dad should have known I would never put myself in this situation. He is over there right now as I write this. He has already been over here this morning looking for breakfast. He will just join in what ever I have going on, he won't keep his distance and be respectful that this is my life, my family, and my house. The talk with him HAS to happen soon, and I am just as nervous about that.

So, here I sit, doing nothing, still in my pj's on a saturday at 1:37 p.m. My mind so boggled with distress and my heart palpitating so fast I can feel it in my throat. Wasted energy, exactly. Wasted day. Wasted, precious time because two people decided to be hateful and divorce and put an only child in the middle. I am still in the middle at 47!! I am going to be 47 soon and I have yet to find the peace I have been longing for. I was just learning through this group to pull back from my mom and learn to deal with her nastiness. Learning to detach.--now my dad has to bring it all back--I know it's not intentional, but it is happening.

Thank you again for listening to me whine until I can find some peace with all this. It is like I am starting all over again. Love and hugs to all.

Jewel, I wouldn't normally dream of being rude about other people's parents - our parents are our own to criticise, and it's bad form for others to do it. But there's no way round it: I am disgusted by their blindness to the impact they're having on you. Both of them. They should be ashamed of themselves. And did you say this nonsense has been going on ever since they separated? What I wouldn't give to bang their silly heads together (if they were both twenty years younger, that is).

Have you thought about writing a single letter copied to both of them telling them straight up what their ridiculous feud-by-proxy is doing to you? And I don't excuse your father from this: passive aggression or what? He is literally occupying the territory closest to you. Wish we could send in the UN!

Thank you for being on my side. LOL I have told my dad many times to his face what this divorce has caused me. I was angry at him for a long time and told him not to stop by when he saw my mom's car here (he did anyway) Then I had to tell him I wouldn't talk to him anymore if he did it again. Since my mom's illness our relationship has become much better because I wasn't "allowed" to see him before without being ridiculed by her. I think he is just taking advantage of the situation now, which irks me to no end. They both know what it does to me, my mom doesn't care really, and my dad does care but over steps boundaries way too often. Next week I am planning on talking to him and asking him "If I wouldn't let you come visit when she is here, what makes you think I would let you move next door when she comes to visit?" Good grief. I wonder if it even dawned on him? He is 71 and has made some poor decisions himself here lately. I hope he isn't becoming ill too. That is all I need. :-(

Too close for comfort should be my new name... Ha ha! Thanks again and again.

This is terrible. I think I would stick a For Sale sign in the yard, pack the family up, and move to an unknown locale in the middle of nowhere, with no houses around me for anyone to move in.

I shall look at my dog's ragger toy with new sympathy. Imagine if it had one dog at either end of it, poor thing…

Jewel, they both want to know that you love them best. They are five year olds. Shame on them.

I like the image of the dog toy...you hit the nail on the head. You are right, they both are competing for my love and doggone it, I let both of them know how much I care about them.I think my mom knows though that my dad is better to me, which doesn't give him the right to move in. Jessie, thank you, my husband said he will put a sign in the yard. I have truly thought about it.

Just an update, my dad came over before he left from working on the house and I just couldn't take it any longer. I told him I needed to talk to him next week when we had a chance to sit down without anyone else around (i.e. my kids or husband) He kept looking at me like I just hit him with a bat. He said just tell me now, I am dumbfuzzled at what it could be (yes, he said dumbfuzzled) My husband got up and went to my daughter's room to watch tv and my son was in his room. So I began.... I told him it wasn't the plan for him to move next door...with a look of oh yes it was..I said no it wasn't. He kept on telling me that yes, that was the plan. He was moving in to fix up the house. I told him that might have been his plan, but he failed to mention it to me. He tried to say he did, then I had to say, "do you really think I would be okay with it?" Especially my situation? I said, "yes, it stems back to HER"... He then started starring away. I told him I could not tell him where to live and I have no control over what he does, but I do have control over my own peace and I would not have put myself in that situation. --telling her she can't live with me and then agreeing to him living next door. He said he understood, but he had to move in because he couldnt afford to drive back and forth (he is living and hour away) to fix it up. Well, you afforded the house?? That was something else I brought up was the money he was spending that he didn't need to be spending. I encouraged him to sell the house. He did have someone stop today and talk to him about it. I told him to sell it and he said he wanted to do a bit more work so he could get more money--my husband thinks that is an excuse because we live in a neighborhood that is well sought after. It is just an older established neighborhood close to everything.--no cookie cutter houses. They each have their own charm and only a few on the street. I told him this came with no disrespect to him, but I was finally learning to find a peace with my situation with her and find time with him with no guilt. I also threw in there that I thought he silently knew I wouldn't approve and that's why he didn't tell me, of course, he said NO! I am not sure what will come of this, but I did it. I got it off my chest and I feel some better and hopefully I didn't hurt him too bad. I have friends that invite their parents everywhere, to our get togethers, to dinners, movies with friends, etc. Even if it is one parent or the other or both. I can't do that because of my situation and I need to protect ME. That I have learned the hard way. I wouldn't want to follow my kids around even though I love them more than words can describe. I would take a bullet for them, but I wouldn't want to live next to them. I am not a trophy and I don't need my parents to treat me like one. It is like the spirit stick with cheerleaders--don't drop it or it will bring bad luck. I am ready to throw it through his windows. LOL It is not about him moving next door, it is about the situation him moving next door brings. When I told him: "I told my mom she couldn't live with me, and what makes you think I wouldn't tell you that you can't live next door" and that I can't have you living over there and her come visit. He asked me: when will she ever come to visit? REALLY?? She might any time she wants. He is in denial!!!

Ok, I got that done, check! Now when to tell her the bad news. I know it will have to be done before Thanksgiving. I will hear--you didn't want me living with you, but you will let him move next door. UUGG!! I DIDN"T LET HIM!!!

Goodnight all...once again you are the best!!

Well done, jewel. You did good!!! Hopefully the house will sell soon,

Thanks emjo, I hope so.

Okay, who is ready for today, Sunday visit? I am not sure if there is enough space but I will shorten as I can. I WALKED OUT AGAIN on my narcissistic mother. --here goes.

I called and let her know I would be there around 2:30 pm--I needed to help my daughter set up for pictures (she takes pictures as a hobby along with going to college). I dropped my son off at a friends then headed to mom's. Lump in throat and the usual butterflies in my stomach. When I got there she was lying on her bed watching tv--very normal. She seemed in a decent mood and I brought cookies, drinks, and cake--she loves sweets. As I filled her pill box and she got snacks I could tell she really wasn't in such a good mood. She started her normal probing about my day. What took me so long, and getting confused when I told her. It's funny though she is not confused when she becomes her old self. The first of the conversation was pretty typical---the food, the staff, what they don't do right, blah blah blah. We went and fixed her hair, then went to sit outside. She was too cold so we went in to one of the living rooms. I try to stay out of her room so I am not attacked in private. She does a good job holding herself when people are around.--I am protecting ME. No one was there and we talked and she asked if anything were new, of course I said no, but boy did I want to say "you have no idea"...LOL

AFter about two hours of visiting and awkward silence the staff came around to see what she wanted for dinner. Of course she didn't like anything they were having and she said, "well, I guess I will starve", I had to laugh and said, no you are choosing to starve. She didn't like that, but how true it is. Her choices make her miserable and me too. So, I offered to go to McDonald's or somewhere and get her something. No, again. Then it started,--

Mom: Are you leaving?
Me: In a little bit.
Mom: You don't stay long.
Me: I need to go home, I have dinner in the crockpot and I need to check on it.
Mom: I wonder how these other visitors find time to come visit their family?
Me: They are probably retired or don't have a family (kids and a husband) at home.
Mom: Well, I believe your husband is old enough to be self sufficient, don't you?
Me: Yes, mom, he is, but I need to go home. (by this point, I knew it was best)
Mom: (as she gets up very fast and mad) well, go on home.
Me: I am
Mom: (walking quickly to the elevator to go back to her room) I don't know why you even bother coming here, you don't want to come anyway!! (Manipulation/guilt thrown like a fast ball)
Me: I do want to come, but I do not want to be talked to this way. Please stop.
Mom: I am tired of it too... (what is she tired of?)
Me: Please stop.
Mom: (we are now at the elevator) I will tell you what I will do, I will have that girl do my hair every Friday and that way you do not have to come anymore, because you don't want to anyway.
Me: Okay
Mom: FINE!!!
Me: Okay, mom, what ever you want to do is fine with me,
Mom: (very loud at this point because we are on the elevator) You don't care about me and your husband shouldn't begrudge that you are here visiting YOUR MOTHER!!
Me: He knows I am here and he doesn't begrudge that.
mom: You don't want to come and I can't believe you put your family first before your mother...(YES she said that)
Me; (getting loud too) I come because I want to and I am going home to cook my family dinner, because I want to.
Mom: (now off the elevator) Good, go home and stay there!!
Me: I have had enough
Mom: I have had enough of you
Me: (going in her apartment to get my keys) You make me a nervous wreck.
Mom: You make me a nervous wreck and I dread seeing you come.
Me: (walked out the door)!!!!!!

Whew! I cried all the way home. When I got home my husband had just got home from work and was doing the dishes because he knew I was at my mom's. He said, what's wrong, did you walk out on her again today. I said, yes, it was really bad this time. He said, It is time you take a break and don't go back for a while.

She wanted me to make her an eye appointment last week and I was going to do it this week since we had just come from the doctor. It is hard to take off work. (even though she thinks NOTHING is supposed to come before HER) I am debating whether or not to make the appointment and let them take her or just wait.

I have searched and googled for two hours how to have NO CONTACT. I really do not ever want to put myself back in this situation with her. I have told her and she continues to play the role of victim. That is what a narcissistic mother does. needs, needs, and takes, takes. Always making me the scapegoat. It is always my fault she feels this way. I do wish she didn't live in my town now. It would make it so much easier to walk away. I have felt this way for a long time, but I really feel the need now for myself and my family to just step away. My husband told me he worries about my health from all the stress and he doesn't want this situation to "kill" me and leave my kids without their mother. My heart sank that he even felt that way. He is right though and my mother will NEVER see what she is doing. She will NEVER change. She has sucked me back in several times with her niceness and then bang, here we are again. This is just not about dementia, this is about a life long illness that is getting worse. No medicine in the world would change these habits. The only thing that would mask this would be sedation of some sort something to keep her calm, but they won't give her anything other than the anxiety medicine. Antidepressants don't work, we have tried many.

I am much calmer now, and do not plan on being upset over this, but I have a long road ahead of me and I ask that you keep me and all the others in your prayers. With the holidays just around the corner makes it a very difficult time too.

Thanks again for reading and letting me get this off my chest.

(((((hugs))))) jewel. Personally, I would let them take her to her eye appointment. Is there someone there who would set up her pills? You are right. She is who she is and she is not going to change, so you are the one who has too. I agree with your husband. This is terribly stressful on you.

How do you go no contact? You don't answer phone calls or any other means of communication. My mother, in the past, has set up other people to call me if I don't answer her calls. I am very vague with them and don't talk long and don't give any information . You don't visit her, no matter the crises. She is in a facility that can look after her needs. Let them. Just stay away and look after yourself and your family.
Mother expects me to put her before my family too - she always has. Not going to happen and I don't justify myself or get into arguments. If mother asked if I was leaving soon would answer simply "Yes." I don't respond much to the comparisons - maybe say how nice that those people visit their families. I refuse to get sucked into arguments. I tell her that we will have to agree to disagree on some things. You have to be proactive in communication - changing the subject if it gets difficult. Mother started a recent conversation with "They are poisoning me". I smiled and said "The grandchildren are doing very well", and proceeded to tell her about the latest with the grandchildren. It doesn't work perfectly but it helps. What helps me the most is staying away.

Oh, Jewel. I'm sorry, what a crappy end to your visit. And I'm sorry your mother is this way. It's a rough deal. Big hugs to you.

Jewel; She told you to go home and stay there. Now do it. I would not go back. Ever. I would hire a geriatric care manager and send her Christmas and Birthday cards. I would get myself into psychotherapy with someone well qualified to help you heal from this lifelong abuse. DO NOT GO BACK!!!!!

Your husband is correct. This will kill you. Take care of yourself Jewel. (((((((hugs!))))))))))

Jewel--the whole situation is sad. I would normally suggest you go back with someone else for "protection," but I honestly do not think you should go back unless: a) there is a true emergency; or b) she calls to apologize -- which I know is incredibly unlikely. Probably a miracle would be needed. I agree with your husband that your own health is truly at stake. Perhaps you could let someone at her facility know what is going on so that they can understand and kind of step in for you. In terms of your father, I am so glad you spoke to him. If he really moves in, I think you should set clear boundaries; i.e., no popping over at all. He should call first to see if it is a good time. Keep letting him know you love him but that the stress accompanying his move is incredibly great for you, and that If he loves you, he will understand. I am hoping that since your discussion with your father, and with throwing in some clear boundaries, maybe the idea of moving in will not be quite so appealing. Somehow you must take yourself out of this madness and not feel any guilt--only survival and a chance for feeling truly free.

You are an amazing writer and your ability to express yourself has helped me and, I am sure, many others. Thank you so much. Now it is time to take the great big steps and cut off this harmful nonsense your parents have inflicted on you. I think you can do it! You help me feel more brave.

Thanks to each of you!! I have woke this morning with mixed emotions. A part of me says, yay! I want to move forward with this no contact.--this is my opportunity. The other part of me says, I am the only one now what? What will others think if I don't go visit and do for my mom? You hear all the time what a shame it is when no one comes to visit and elderly in a "home", but now I realize there is a reason for that!! My mom is not that elderly, but she is still ill in many ways and sometimes I think she is more mentally ill than she is demented. Before I went to bed, I realized how narcissistic she has been all her life and it all makes sense now why she was so controlling. She didn't want me to spill the beans on how she really was. She portrayed this perfect mother, wife, employer of the year, and at home she was far beyond that. She was perfect as far as keeping a perfect house, having dinner on the table every single night, plus finding time to always make something new.--whether it be a quilt, an afagan, scarf/mittens, doll clothes, etc.- the list goes on. What was not perfect was her attitude and her need for control. She was perfect and so should you be. This illness now has turned in to a needy mother that still wants control over what I say, what I do, and how I act. It always has to be on her terms. She is losing control and I also realize that makes her angry.

I have tried not to argue with her many times, I have changed the subject until I ran out of things to talk about, and I just do not want to do this anymore with her. Being this stems way back, I am very tired. I am ready for a peaceful life of my own. The hard part also comes from her being 2 minutes up the street. It will always be a reminder as I pass by. I really do want this, I want to say adios. Live with your miserable self!

Here is the perfect scenario for me--No contact, the pharmacy would deliver her pills, someone else would fix the pill box, she would have her hair done there each week and they would take her to the doctor, get her groceries and what ever else she needs. I could walk away and be FREE, free of abuse and stress of her controlling ways. No more walking on eggshells--what to say, what not to say. I know the only way this will happen is if I keep the courage to stay away. She will live a long time and I know now it will have to be up to me to make that choice. The christian side of me still asks the question: "is it wrong?" I do know it is wrong to continue to take this from her and to constantly listen to the complaining and negativity especially when it is directed at me.--that little girl that still wants approval.

I am also going to check in to getting some professional help moving forward, whether it stay no contact or finding a way to tune her out when I go visit.

Love and hugs to all. I must now pull myself out of this chair, put on a face and go to work and pretend everything is great. --the thing is, I know it can be. :-)