Is it normal she's so negative?

Jewel, how about you take a break and have a think about things. If you tell yourself it's forever, you're going to be plagued by guilt over being the only one, now you've abandoned her, what will people say, blah blah blah. But if you promise yourself - and us! - that you will take, say, a complete break for one month - or when's Thanksgiving? What about until then? I'm not sure how long that is - and just put the whole package down and step away from it, you'll know it doesn't have to be forever, it's just until you can figure out a *safe* way to approach her.

I emphasise safe, because this needs work. You do care about your mother, no good trying not to. You are a normal and loving person. But the trouble is, acting on that care brings you into toxic contact with her. Take some time to figure out how you can put on metaphorical gloves so you don't get burned every single time, and end up with that awful sinking feeling each time the next visit looms.

Take time out. No arguments, no discussion, no need for either. You're having a break, she'll be fine, you'll be back when you're good and ready.

Wow this is a great blog, Jewel (if that's your real name it's beautiful), your situation with your mother is almost identical to mine, my mother is the same exact way when I go to visit her. I noticed if I bring a friend it helps to 'buffer' her attitude and comments to me. If I go by myself there's no filter what will be said. Plus she's hard of hearing so our conversations are very loud so with her sharing a room with someone (and that roomate having family visiting them) the sheet for the room divider is not exactly closing a door for privacy. Meaning it can be very embarrasing as you experience as well. This whole thing has been such an eye opening experience for me (as you I'm sure). I'm so thankful for this website to read I'm not alone. If it wasn't for this website I'd feel even worse, my friends don't have anything like this in their lives (meaning family situation like this) so all they can do is say I'm sorry your going thru this.

Hi Jewel, all I can offer is this: Your mother gave you an 'out', so it's time to take it. Don't think that a better opportunity for going no contact will come, because it might not. Carpe diem (weak smile here :))
I considered myself officially no contact for at least 2 months during the summer with my mother, and now, I maintain it by not calling her and not visiting. She did call several weeks or so ago, with a question I tried to explain and answer (but she is so very confused that I doubt I did much good), and the conversation was friction-free. But I was not tempted in any way to begin initiating phone calls and visits, so that's where I'm at now. It's the best place to be for my own sanity, as well as my ability to be as effective as I can managing her care.
You'll just take it day by day; that's how it'll come at you, so that's what you'll do. I bet you'll get a sense of a lot more space around you, and in your head especially! Man, that's a great feeling!!!
This year has been such a turning point for me, dealing with putting in so much more time, effort, and attention to my mother's care, and at the same time letting go of the "relationship" (began w/no more overnight visits, followed by no more visiting at holidays, then no more acknowledging birthdays, for instance -- bit by bit, this all happened this year). I do spend time pondering how best to handle certain things. Like the upcoming holidays. Here's the plan: I'll send her a flower arrangement for Thanksgiving, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. And NO, no phone call. As far as I can tell, she is still capable of calling ME. And unless she's had a complete personality change, she won't do that, unless she happens to need something from me on Thanksgiving, so that will be that. I will probably do the same on Christmas.
Her level of forgetfullness and confusion is actually making this transition easier in some ways; your mother sounds pretty NON forgetful at this point! But good luck, and remember, you only have to deal with things one day at a time; you're free to do whatever serves YOU, and you can adjust however YOU need. Hugs.

J - Having been through this, I can tell you there is another side to cross over to. It will be OK, even though it doesn't look like it now. Be kind and patient with yourself and be willing to accept the feelings as they come.

Part of what you might be going through is grief and mourning the Other Mother. That Mom Who Could Have Been, But Will Never Be. A lot of us hang onto this idea as long as possible. That mom is nice, polite, civil, pleasant, sweet even. She is joyful, supportive, and recognizes us for the sacrifices and hard work required from us. She is a dream and was never real anywhere but in our thinking.

At some point in all this, we end up facing the reality that Other Mother never will be. She becomes less and less of a possibility. Even the possibility itself is enough to sustain us for long periods of time despite how mean and looney tunes reality is. But when the possibility fades out, it's really hard. REALLY HARD to deal with. That hope that there could be some tiny little step toward being the Other Mother keeps us coming back over & over again.

Nothing has changed except how we are understanding it, and this difficult realization is normal. It's part of the progression or journey we're on. And it will pass. As hard as it is, you will be left with wisdom not possible any other way. This is like a glacier scraping past, down to the bone. In its wake will be something stronger and magnificent to behold.

Take the time away. You have to give yourself permission to retreat twice as much as you advance. Now is time to retreat and heal. No rehashing. No regret. I suggest looking into some mindfulness meditation. It really helps me get rid of all the noise of what won't ever be and practice protecting myself.

Mourning and letting go of expectation, of disappointment, of hurt, of all the invalidation this situation brings is really important. You will turn a corner and have a new understanding through this.

Everything done from now on is done because it's necessary to maintain mom's safety. It's not done to create happiness for anyone. It's not done because it's expected by other people. It's not done because we have always done it that way. There will be a LOT less to do, and please try to find freedom in that, not disappointment.

It was very strange for me to go from doing EVERYTHING for mom to doing NOTHING in a short period of time. I hated doing everything. I felt like a slave to an angry and capricious woman (because I was). Not doing anything felt wrong. Surely I ought to be over there doing something, even if it's just sitting with her. NO! The realization that I am actually not needed in her life was liberating but very challenging for me to accept after hearing for 43 years that I am the only one who can do X, Y, Z.

I did not get the situation where we can sit calmly together and do a craft or discuss old times. I did not get a mother who is thrilled to see me at all (except that one time when her meds were very high). This is not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I deal with it by having infrequent, very short visits. Very short- 20 minutes max. And I always take someone with me. It has to be between 10:00-13:00 on a Sunday or not at all. Those are my rules. This is how it goes down to preserve my peace, my tranquility, and my emotional well being.

I am sending thoughts and wishes for calmness and insight to you today.

Thank you Sandwich. I don't need my counselor after you wrote that! That says it all for me too.

I will add that the more often I step away from Mom, the better my relationship gets: I mean it goes from traumatic horrible to bearable. And yes, letting go of the Mother that never was, is the hardest part. I am now sorting out the person I love unconditionally: and I still feel my reactions to her numbing and thoughtless behaviors she does now. I can also see she wants to try to connect but really has no clue! She just always had that missing in her brain: it's called mental illness.

Agree about Sandwich hitting it on the nail about mourning the 'other' mother, for me it's mourning the 'mother that used to be' mourning the relationship I used to have (that wasn't that long ago). I get more satisfaction reading this website than I ever could from trying to vent to friends (who don't understand since they have supportive family). Thanks everyone!

Sandwich, so insightful - you really captured the core issue. What we also found was that it was harder for my sister and I to get to this point because Mom gave us glimpses of the Mom Who Could've Been. Except that the people who got this maternal figure were our cousins and the children of her friends. We heard the right words, saw the support and compassion so we kept on trying and trying, in the hope we'd be in the select circle too. I think it would've been much easier on us if we didn't have to accept that she knew what to do and say, but chose to withhold it from her daughters. Sandwich once wrote that you go from having only negative feelings to no feelings...at the time, I thought how sad that day would be. And then one day, I found I was there...sort of like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. My life is calmer. Strength to you, Jewel.

I love reading your encouragement. It helps me get through. Today I am at peace with a little glimpse of what now? I will do my best to take it each day and take it as it comes. I had finally learned to pull back and only call two times a week and visit on Sundays between the times of 1:30 and 4 or 5.--Just as Sandwich is doing. I had set my own rules and time for visiting and that way she knew when to expect me.--she never did like surprises, wanted a schedule. I even used to have to call in advance before I would go visit her when she was well--no kidding. I have friends that just stop in on their parents to visit and they whip up something to eat or play cards or just sit and enjoy each other's company. I have NEVER had that. She may not be in the mood or I may interrupt her life, so I better check before I come. I remember when my daughter was two (2) and I would take her to the park, which was close to my mom's house. Being two she recognized the area and started asking to go see her gran. (how inappropriate, Gran, it should have been something more fitting like meanie) After the visit at the park--remember this is prior to cell phones, we went to my mom's house and knocked at the door. She came to the door in such disgust. She was mad because I didn't call first. When I told her that her granddaughter wanted to come that even made her mad that it was her idea and not mine. Grant it her house was always immaculate so that wasn't it, she always had food to eat, so that wasn't it, I had woke her from a nap. Boo hoo! I NEVER went back unannounced again. Then she would complain we never came over.Make up your mind, mother. After about two more years she moved to another city closer to her work about an hour away. I was never so glad that she was farther away, so it HAD to be planned before we went. We would go to the city and shop and wouldn't tell her..he he. Once we ran in to someone from her work and they told her. When she confronted me about coming and not telling her, I just told her it was an unplanned visit and I knew how she didn't like to be surprised. I heard about it forever, but that was ok.

The other mother, where is she. Oh yea, she is a figment of my imagination. I have imagined what it would be like to sit and enjoy conversation without worrying about saying the wrong thing or cooking with my mom --she was an excellent cook!--of course she was, she was perfect. I would love to be able to invite her places but she can't be around others that may take my attention.--it all has to be on her. This reminds me of a friend who lost her husband several years ago to a tragic car crash. They had two little girls and she had a son from a previous marriage. The husband was a cousin to my husband, very nice looking, came from a very wealthy family, but boy was he a brat. We loved him for other reasons, but he was NOT a good husband or father. She wanted to get away from him and his family-they were very controlling over him and her. (money, ya know?) She would say things like, "I wish they would fall off the face of the earth and take him with them" She was so hurt and angry at them and him for so many different things. She tried to keep her family unit together. They were married about 5 years and tragically one night after he left work--his dad's business, he wrecked on the interstate and died. She called us and the guilt that she felt from saying these things. I told her the same thing Sandwich--I told her: "now, you can make him out to be anything you needed him to be for your girls." You can tell them how great he was and make him the way you needed". --they will never know any different. She really felt better after I told her it was okay to make him be the husband and father they needed he is gone and won't be here to prove you wrong. I told her not to feel guilty for he made her feel that way. I try sometimes to make my mom this great mom I needed.--she was great when it came to excellent cook, crafter, organizer, she made a good caregiver when I was sick (i needed her then see), but the narcissistic part of her took over. I have to say it is much worse now than then, but this all brings it back.

My friends don't really understand either because they do not live in this situation. I have a friend that just tells her mom, my other friend has a great relationship with her mom and I do have another friend that kind of understands because her mom is a bit controlling, but she does know her limits. My mother will say stuff like, all I have done for you...yes, she did a lot for me, but all I wanted was for her to be nice and not ridicule me.

Something funny I do have share: I have thought about my mom today and had to laugh. I can visually picture her today in her apartment mad at the world and sulking over me leaving and thinking about how horrible it was for her daughter to treat her that way. Lying in her bed watching tv and pouting. She has probably been a bit hateful to the staff or just the opposite been really nice so no one will know anything even happened. Either or, no in-between. She is probably wanting to revoke my POA, take back her checkbook, and her car. I will be happy to give it all back.

You are correct that my mother is not that forgetful. She remembers more than I ever want her to. She does get confused about things sometimes, but her memory is not that impaired. Just reasoning skills and ability to care for herself. Her mind is good and she is sharp. She first had lost the ability to read and comprehend but yesterday she read a little story to me that one of the other ladies wanted her to read. I will share it below....

I will end here for now:

There were two little brothers that went to a pharmacy and went to the counter with a box of tampons. The pharmacist ask the oldest boy "how old are you", he replied, "I am 11 and he is 4". Oh, said the pharmacist, are you buying these for yourself? The eldest brother said no, they are for him as he pointed to the 4 year old. The pharmacist then asked, "do you know what they are used for?" The older brother stated: Well, we saw on a commercial that if you use these you will be able to ride a bike, swim, and ride a horse and he can't do any of these things so we thought he could give them a try.

Enjoy your evening!!!

Thanks to you all. My sister (younger) sister and I thought we must be monsters for hating to be around our mother. She is never happy, never satisfied, never respectful, has NO boundaries with us, and never happy. She wanted to stay at home so we moved heaven to allow her to stay in place. BUT this is not what she wants each day. When I speak of AL, she does not want that either. She is 95 and relatively healthy except for severe arthritis. She hates the sunlight, air, wind, trees, our relatives, our deceased father...the list is unending. Plus she gets very angry when I spend time with "those people" who happen to be my grandchildren! Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to know we are NOT crazy, nor coldhearted. Bless us all.

CJPTenn: Bless you... You are not terrible people, you are just in a terrible situation. I started writing on this blog back in Jan or Feb then added this forum in March--I think. It is what gets me through each heartbreaking nonsense that my mother throws at me. It started out her just complaining and being negative all the time. She is now starting to argue with me even when I won't argue back. My mom is just 68 going on 69 in a few months. I still have a L O N G time to deal with this madness. I feel your pain, my mom gets mad when I spend time with other people that she thinks don't deserve the time of day--which would be anyone on my dad's side and anyone on her side of the family. It is crazy how they can find so much to complain about. I had never mentioned it, but my mom also complains about the trees and then the sunlight and then when the sun goes down she complains about how dark it is. She don't like the light nor the dark. You just wrote my mom's list of loathes even down to the people.

It helps so much to know how normal this situation is for most of us.

I think I have come up with a plan about the eye doctor.
option 1: Make the appointment for next week and pretend that is a soon as they can take her, then ask one of the staff members to go with me. Take her back to AL and tell her I have to go back to work.
option 2: Make the appointment for next week and let the AL staff take her.
I will make a decision on these options closer to the end of the week. If I take her maybe like Tuesday, I can just do her pills then. She can get out of the bottle for a couple days--won't hurt her.
I also think I am going to call her doctor and see if there isn't something they can give her to keep her in a "daze". something to calm her WAY down and keep her that way. I am truly ready for no contact and I am going to need to find a way to keep her in AL in case she starts getting out of hand there. I do not know what I would do if they were to say she had to leave. She did ask me the other day if she could leave when she wanted and I told her anytime.--this is due to her blaming me for her being there. I want her to think it is her choice.

I am so happy this blog is helping others to see their situation in a different perspective. It has truly helped me open my eyes to all options.

Good morning....
I did pretty good yesterday but as the week is going on I am becoming more nervous about how to handle this situation. In my mind I am constantly going over my choices--do I call, do I not? do I go visit on Sunday, do I not? Do I make an eye appointment, do I not? My mind is a bit more free than usual because I am not going over in my head how she talked to me, it is now about my own decisions. I was thinking this morning after reading CJPTenn. When she talks about how her mother hates everything like mine. I was reminded about how my mom has stopped answering her sister's phone calls. Why can she make that choice? She decides she doesn't want to talk to someone then she doesn't. When she wasn't mad at her sister, then she would ask me if I talked to her that she hadn't called her (my mom wouldn't call her though, she is supposed to call my mom) She would go on about how we didn't care about her (my mom) but when decides she isn't going to answer the phone then she does it. If we decided NOT to answer her calls or come visit, then we would be the bad people. Look how we did her, can you believe my daughter and my sister treat me this way? GRRR. Something I didn't think to mention before until now contemplating no contact. My mom stopped talking to her whole family (mother, sister, brother) for about 3 years. She stopped attending Thanksgiving and Christmas. She sent Christmas gifts by me to give out. One year my grandmother cried when she opened the gift and I told my mom that would be the last time I took the gift. I told her she could take it herself or mail it. That story goes on and on for 3 years. Then my grandmother became very ill and I had to call and tell her what was going on. This was in '05..looking back that was about the time we think she was starting to become more ill (in retrospect of course) When I called to tell her my grandmother was in the hospital, she first was silent and then became angry because she knew she would need to go visit. At first she told me, so, I am not going. I told her she may regret it if something happened to her. That made her even angrier and told me not to preach at her, blah blah blah. My grandmother had to have surgery and someone had to sit with her at home or she would go to a nursing home for rehab. My mom did offer to help out. Grant it she worked and I helped out when I could too. My grandmother got better until '07. Same thing, she was getting worse and needed someone to stay with her. My mom retired and took turns with her sister and complained about it all the time. If my aunt needed to switch days my mom would throw a living fit and tell her no. She HAD to stay on that schedule. Now we realize that was the dementia coming on. Long story short...my mom was able to walk away because she was angry, why am I having a hard time walking away just for peace of mind? I am not angry and wanting to walk away, I am just looking for some peace and freedom from a hateful, unappreciative black hole. Also looking back, my mom has used me as the go to and the middle "man" all my life. It has to stop!

If she didn't talk to them, she thought I shouldn't talk to them either. One time she even ask me, "don't you think it is something that my family doesn't talk to me, but they will talk to you?" (well, first of all mother, you stopped talking to them) I told her, if you didn't want to talk to me, does that mean you would stop talking to your grandchildren? Of, course she said no...

Just some thougths today, I am trying to clear my mind. Thanks again for reading.

Jewel, I recommend you give yourself a break. Call the staff at the facility and delegate the appointments so that you don't have to worry them any more. Call your mother and tell her you're taking some time out with the family, but you have made arrangements with the staff so if she needs anything all she has to do is ask.

If you really can't face calling your mother, could you enlist your husband? It might be easier for him to call his MIL and tell her that he is putting his foot down because his household needs your undivided attention for the time being, and he is the boss, and it's his say-so. The coward's way out, sure, but if it wins you a guilt-free breathing space then who cares?

Wow that explains why the other night when I visited my mom, her roomate's son was visiting so I introduced myself, my mother was highly offended saying I too busy talking to other people to visit with her kind of thing...when did it become all about them? Why the no longer asking about my day or how I am? It's perplexing.....

CM Thank you. I do not want to call her for sure, then I will be sucked back in. That is the issue, though, my mom already blames my husband for me going home. She thinks that HE is complaining about me going and he is not. He never says a word, he knows she is a tough one. I guess I would rather protect him from her too. I don't want to make her think she is right. I think I am going to call the director and talk to her. I know her well, and she kind of knows my situation with my mom. She also holds a social work degree and is great at knowing what to say. I will muster up the courage today and do that. She will help me come up with a plan where she can be involved. I do KNOW one thing for sure. If I choose to take her to the eye doctor, it WILL NOT be alone and I will hurry and leave. I wish I was not so weak and had your courage. I need a backbone people!! ha ha

My husband has offered to go see my mom and talk to her, but it wouldn't do any good, she would still see herself as the victim. My daughter is the only one who can talk to her, she has a bigger backbone than me. She hasn't been able to visit with me the past couple of weeks but she told me she would if I go back.

I appreciate your input.

rejoice: Yes, it is all about them. My mom too always finds an excuse for why I am not doing what she thinks I should be. Did you come to visit them or me? I hear that a lot when other residents join us on the porch. Jeez...

If my mom asks about my day or my life it is only for ammunition for later. She also asks me many times, "aren't you glad you can get out and go and do things?"--this is not her being glad for me, that is a guilt question. I have learned to say yes. I used to walk around the question and now I answer her very gladly because I am glad I can get out and do things and that I am not as miserable as she is. God likes a grateful heart. Mine isn't so grateful as much anymore, but I am trying not to lose it completely.

Jewel that made me remember the other comment my mother likes to keep saying to me (especially in public) 'just wait until your my age I'd like to see you handle it' all I can do is just 'grin and bear it'

I saw that behavior clearly with my mother for the first time about a year ago. I think most everything became clear all of a sudden at that time! She is so envious all the time, so full of self-pity. I remember noticing how I became very guarded about telling her good things in my life (if my husband and I would be going somewhere nice, if we'd be putting up a Christmas tree, if we had fun with our dog -- whatever it was), and I began reflexively NOT telling her any of these things. I wouldn't mention them, or if she asked me straight out, then I'd lie right back to her ("no plans to go away, just working", "nope, no tree this year"). I was a little surprised at how I didn't even think about it, I just did it, and felt better and safer afterwards. It wasn't until many months later that I realized that she was just plain envious, and begrudged me for having whatever it was.

Lol, last spring when I was visiting my mother and taking her to a doctor's appt., we were on our way home, and I was trying to find things to make small talk about for the last 10 minutes of the drive. At the time, I was thinking about how best to handle the removal of her car. So I asked her, "How's your car doing?" She shrugged, sighed, and said "Ehhh, who do I have to impress?" Oh, BROTHER. All I could think was, "Only a few more minutes and we're back at her place, and I can turn around and go HOME!" And I had to chuckle thinking that she'll have to find something else to feel sorry for herself about, because in a few months, like it or not, the car's going away!!

My mom is so full of self pity I don't know how she has room for anymore. Woe is me, what about me, what if you were me... I hear it all the time, "what if you were in my shape?" Wait until you are like me... What if you lived here? on and on.

I still lie about things that are going on so she doesn't feel sorry for herself more. Sunday, I even tried to say, "oh I dread tomorrow, going to work"--thinking she would say oh, I know. BUT NO!! She said, "would you rather go to work tomorrow, or be cooped up in here all day?" I answered: Actually, I would rather be cooped up in here all day.... she looked so puzzled that I would say that., and said, "oh, really?" with a sarcastic laugh. I said, yes, really. She just doesn't think what it was like to work, take care of her house (keep it perfect), her only child, and have dinner on the table every night. She thinks all I have to do is deal with her. I am still laughing over what she said to the staff Sunday...They came to ask her about dinner. She asked what they were having and they said individual pot pies. She ask, is it made with biscuits? They said they weren't sure, she kept on about the biscuit dough until the girl said, yes, I think it is with biscuit dough. Then here it came...."I don't want any then". They asked her what else she would like and even mentioned a few things. Her answer was no, I don't want anything. After they told her to let them know if she changes her mind, she then said. "I guess I will just starve" Ha ha! Feel sorry for me because I don't like what you have. Oh my. I can only imagine what they deal with on a daily basis from her. It's never good enough. More emmisions of guilt from you know who.

Loo loo: Envy is just as bad as poison. It makes the rest of us lie to keep peace. That's okay though. Last year at this time my husband and I went away for the weekend for our anniversary. This is when I was staying with my mom a lot. I had someone come for the weekend so we could go away. I wasn't going to tell her where I was going or what I was doing, but I decided I would tell her being it was our anniversary. BIG mistake. When I came back the lady staying with her told me that is all she talked about that weekend how I decided to go shack up with that man of mine and how he always takes me away from my mother. Good grief. When I went to stay with her she brought it up several times..."did you have fun while I was cooped up here in this house", "aren't you glad you can get out". "don;'t you see him enough everyday, you live with him?" When she asks these questions it is like she is throwing darts. LOL

At some point, I realized this: *I am my own Other Mother*.

I can nurture myself. I can protect myself. I can empower myself. I do this now. I have been doing it, but was unaware. Now, I do it consciously. I had a great counselor who helped me see this and learn to do it on purpose.

I don't have NEARLY the amount of anxiety, sleeplessness, stress, frustration, and anger I did 6 months ago or even 3 months ago.

I stopped expecting my birth mother to provide anything to me. Not even recognition as a person. That was harder to do than it sounds. These expectations are hard wired. Every time I would get upset, I had to stop and talk myself through it. What is upsetting me, what am I expecting, what am I disappointed about? Then I had to take that list and let those things go. Stop expecting them and stop letting the disappointment run my life.

It's not about going numb necessarily, but being able to take cover when the bombs fall on your head. It takes practice and repetition. I'm not perfect, so this is perfect either.

I have a mental image where I have my kindergarten aged self on my lap. I hug, soothe, and speak lovingly to myself. I rock her and rub her back and tell her everything will be OK. Weird, but it works! I tell Little Me positive things about myself. My counselor had me picture injecting myself with a magic shot of something like Magnificence or Powerfulness, but that image just didn't stick. My anxiety meditation is Big Me comforting Little Me, like a mother & child. Have a glass of wine and keep at it.

Become conscious of where you are holding tension in your body during these times. Practice relaxing these areas on purpose. For me, it's my neck, shoulders, and fists. I open my hands, roll my head, roll my shoulders, and breathe deeply and slowly.

Releasing the expectations will free you from a lot. We are not brought up to work this way, but it can be learned.

I started to feel less pre-anxiety before visits. I no longer have my buttons pushed during visits. I no longer am upset for 3 days straight after visits.
If I've been doing my meditations! The first time I realized I didn't have those awful horrible feelings was really weird.

I realized I had alwasy expected to feel bulldozed, so I had to let that expectation go too.

One thing leads to another. I hope this helps.

Rejoice, it's an interesting idea but I'd advise your mother not to put money on being around to watch how you handle it! This I must see…

Jewel, I probably got the idea from my SIL's husband's shining example. He is a lovely, lovely man, the kindest in the world, who coped patiently for years and with no thanks for it with a mother who made Cruella de Vil look like a dalmatian puppy. But every so often, when it's called for, he throws his toys out of the pram and tells everyone to sit down and behave. There are then months and months of whispering behind his back about how tyrannical he is and how put upon - gasp! - my SIL is, but since his own mother used to slander him quite regularly I suppose he's developed a thick enough skin not to let it bother him. It's role play - someone being prepared to be the Villain of the Piece. Your mother, from all you've said about her, is always determined to believe it's you. It wouldn't hurt her not to be so sure about that…

Don't forget, the key thing, what really *matters*, is that your mother will be just fine if you get some time out. Nothing awful will happen to her. Her hysterical reaction to the very idea of it, part and parcel of her treatment of you, is part of a spell she casts on you. But that Doesn't Make Her Right, and it doesn't make it real - in reality, she is being done no harm. What we want to do is get your focus off her so that you stop being hypnotised and frozen by all that FOG that Emjo can tell you all about.

Jewel, Lots of hugs and I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

I can so relate to the tension..I carry mine in my neck and shoulders then before I know it I have a migraine or a vertigo attack. I started yoga 3 years ago when my mom started all this nonsense of moving and becoming this bigger monster. It helped so much and gave me an inner peace. I have not done it in over a year, except on occasions. I keep telling myself I am going to get back to the gym to exercise the stress away and get back to yoga. I haven't done it yet though. I did get a massage last year and boy did that do the trick. I need one every week.. ha! Great ideas, I am going to do more of theses things for myself. Thanks for reminding me.

Another UPDATE: As you know, I talked to my dad the other night. I haven't seen him since. I pulled in my driveway after work today and he was at the house working. My first reaction was, smh, there's my dad. Then my next reaction was, who cares what she thinks. Why am I hurting him too in this process? More emotions. I get out of the car and he comes over to my son and I and hugs us and then tells me he is putting a for sale sign in the yard in two weeks after he gets back from his vacation--to Hawaii--yes, really. Ha ha! I wish I were going. Back to the yard sign. I had more emotions--sad, pity, anger, and happy. See I told you my dad was a good person. Why do I do this to him?--it's called mother. He truly understands my concerns because he lived with the devil for 26 years. He knows how she is and he tells me all the time he is sorry and wishes he had stayed to relieve me of all this pain.--heck no, dad, run Forrest run!! I told him to do what ever he wants, that I just needed to voice how I felt and why. I do love him and wish it didn't have to be this way.He told me he understood and he was still moving in and fixing up the house, but the sign would already be in the yard and he could sell it as is, or do more work. I feel like a heel people. My dad is the one who would take a bullet for me and she is the one I keep protecting. I just don't understand.--don't get me wrong, my dad living next door is not a good idea for many reasons, but my main reason is how she makes me feel.

I prayed to God this morning and told him I need him to do something for me NOW! I need Him to show me an answer and give me and my family peace from her. Maybe my dad putting the sign in the yard was the "sign", but I over analyze everything--wonder where I get that?

Love you guys so much for listening. You are the BEST!!

"When someone says you've changed, that just means you have stopped living life their way".... Let us get on that wagon!!!

What would you do without the guilt? That's the question that usually provides me with an answer.

Jewel, I don't know if I've asked this before, and please don't take offence. Are you in therapy? Not "counseling but full on psychotherapy with a trained and certified PhD or MD who can cut to the core of your issues? It's no a quick or easy road, but right now you're torturing yourself. It's the sane among us who go to therapy, not the crazy ones. Be well.

No guilt? I would be one happy girl!! I would invite friends over for dinner, have family over more often, and smile--smile--smile!! I would not have the burden of her in my head all the time without the guilt. Tonight we are going to eat with friends, which we do on most Tuesdays because the Mexican place in town has 15% off. :-) While waiting for them to call that they are ready, I always have this sick feeling that she will call while I am out or someone will tell her they saw me out and why do I feel that way?--I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to hear--"aren't you glad you can get out while I am stuck here"

No Guilt? That brings such joy to my heart when I even just say it!

I am not currently in therapy. I have been contemplating the idea. I do have training myself being that I have my masters in guidance counseling for K-12. I have had the necessary classes that has brought all this to light for me many years ago. I understand the process of her narcissistic ways and how it affects me and why she does it, but you are so right--I am too emotionally attached now to even help myself through this. I have used my training through the years to get through her torture, but now it is so deep I am having trouble digging myself out. We have a couple of therapist here I have considered. Even the director at the AL has approached me about talking to someone because she sees first hand how my mom can manipulate me. When my mom was "well" , no dementia, I only talked to her once a week and maybe only saw her once a month being she lived an hour away and I could control when I saw or spoke to her. Now, I have been "forced" to be with her more often.
It is funny because once my mom went to a therapist and wouldn't you know it, she found something wrong with them.. lol--therefore she quit going.

I am not offended at all that you asked, that is one more thing on my list I need to prioritize. Thanks for caring enough to ask.

Guilt trip: It ought to be illegal! Seriously, I am finding I can loosen that trip-grip a little more every time I try to switch off the Momma Power and turn on my own inner power. I have an arsenal of things I remember to do when she strikes: work on a project, go for a walk, talk to a friend about THEIR problems, will yourself to vent for say 10 minutes and then will yourself to switch gears to yourself. In time it gets less and less powerful. Your mind has as much power as the person trying to control you. You don't have to cave in. You don't have to!! It's better for you and them in the long run if you don't . Remember your own self worth.

Jewel, if you have to visit your mom from time to time, you might want to use a technique called "joining the residence". Yes mom it's terrible that you have to be here. Yes ( with a glum face) I'm a terrible daughter. It must be awful having someone as incompetent as I am overseeing your care. Now, it takes a strong constitution to do this, but it produce surprising results. But I'm glad you're thinking about therapy.

:-) I would sound like her... LOL
That is a great idea. I have tried just about everything else--she will probably just call me a smarta**. I have cut visits down to a minimum now and I think this is another reason she is more angry. Who knows? I have tried to answer for her for 40+ years.

I will say this morning I had a sweet surprise from my husband. I got in the car and he had left me a sweet card.--something he USED to do and it has been a long time. I guess he sees how really distressed I am. It made me feel so good and definitely put a smile on my face.--something my family hasn't seen in a while.

As the week is pushing on, Wednesday already. I am having a hard time deciding how to handle the rest of the week. I plan on calling the beautician and asking her to do my mom's hair but not telling her I called.--just to pop in and offer to do it, like it was my mom's idea from a couple weeks ago. Then make her eye appointment for next week and get help taking her. That is all I think of right now. It will be the weekend visit I am struggling most with.

Have a great rest of your day.