Is it normal she's so negative?

I just saw some of your posts. Sometimes they don't show up until after I have posted. Wow, my mom is so much like AmyGrace's mom. Sitting miserable in her room--way too much time on her hands to think. 100? Wow, how will I make it my mom living 31 more years. I cannot imagine. they say a negative, depressed, miserable person dies 25% earlier than those that are not... I don't know if I believe all that. My dad too, not saying his is a saint, but he took good care of my mom. They divorced and she still hates him. She cannot stand it if she thinks I talk to him. She cannot see the good for all the bad she thinks about.

jeweltone - I guess my mother dispells that myth, healthy genes negate lousy attitude - LOL, my neighbor said the same, her mother is in her 80's and controlling their lives - she said she can't make it if she lives as long as my mother! Mom has been negative all her life, I was raised with it - have to remind myself not to be like that because its contageous! The last 20 have been the worst. Such a waste of a wonderful gift from God. I can't remember the last time I saw her really happy or enjoying herself - even 50 years ago. Her favorite phrase was " isn't it awful". She was a good, kind mom and we got along famously so I can't complain about my upbringing. Its just so sad to realize she doesn't know how to be happy. Fortunately, she isn't as mean to me as she is to my sister, because Mom behaves like she is her mother, she is oldest and catered to her from the time Dad died 40 years ago. They say they take it out on the one they love the most. Now that the dementia has set in, I don't think my mother thinks of me at all. A couple of months ago she told my sister she hadn't seen me for weeks. (I had been there the day before, and I have been doing 90% of everything for the last 8 months since my brother-in-law got sick. She didn't remember I had taken her for new hearing aids either. I know she used to love me and I understand she is ill. But it still hurts she never calls me unless she can't reach sis and every time I call she thinks its her. Its kind of the same as hearing a lot of your favorite actors and singer have died of old age -- you feel like you are losing your past and everything that was dear to you.

I suspect some people live on out of pure spite. My mom is probably hanging on for the first of every month, thinking she's pulled one over everyone by claiming another month's worth of checks! My mom's main hobbies are smoking and nursing grudges, after all.

**spite** that is my mom's middle name. Spite is for sure her passed time. Revenge, spite, negativity, complaining, these are all things that keep her going. She has plenty of all of it, so she will be going a very long time.

Spite, I have to laugh at that jeweltone. My mom, a couple years back, mentioned someone who somehow left her a water bill that was unpaid, and it was something like $80. Admittedly, no one likes that kind of thing, but this happened in 1984 and it followed my mom where she had to pay it to restart service some years later. Bad situation, yes, but I kid you not: She brought it up two years ago and says she was still cursing that woman and she knows her house burned down or something because of that $80. I just said, really? You're thinking of something that happened nearly 30 years ago and was resolved 20 years ago. Spending time and energy wishing someone's house would burn down? I couldn't fathom wanting someone to potentially die or lose everything over an $80 phone bill!

Hi Jeweltone,Heidi, &AmyGrace, My Mother has gotten her way with me all her life. I never noticed until a year ago when I realized that she was using Emotional Black Mail on me..AmyGrace, I don't know what I am going to do when my Mom turns 100 I will be 70. She is 90 and I am 60. I will be out of my mind in the next 10 years. The meaner my parents get the healthier they seem. The more dementia she and Dad get the worse act.

Spite will let them live forever. God help us all!!

I so agree, the meaner my mom has become, the better she seems to be. Physically she is declining as far as her muscles are getting weak because all she does is lay in her bed and waller in her pity. She has a hard time getting up and down, but her mind--well, it is getting better. I see this because she called information to get her bank phone number. Last summer she wouldn't even know how to dial the phone. Now, after being in AL she is doing better mentally--so sad for those around her. If I knew the dementia was causing this to my mom, I could feel some sense of pity for her, but my mom has been this way all her life--mean, hateful, spiteful, grudgeful, etc. She is even very hateful to the staff that takes care of her. For example, if they are supposed to come in at 8:30 to get her breakfast order and they come in at 8:40 she will ask them "where have you been it's 8:40 and you were supposed to be here at 8:30". When they explain they had been upstairs at "Betty's" room helping her get ready for a doctor appointment, then she will become very sarcastic and say "well, I guess "Betty" pays more money than I do then to get such special treatment". "The money I pay here at this place must not be enough to receive the treatment I deserve". Then she will go on and on about how expensive it is there and how she doesn't get her moneys worth. Yes, I agree it is very expensive--(around $3,000) a month. This includes rent, utilities, cable, 3 meals a day plus snacks at anytime, meal delivery to her room--(because she refuses to get her clothes on and go to the dinning room), laundry (imagine her two pairs of pajamas and some undies), and a very nice staff to put up with her. They also get checked on two/three other times other than meals. Just think if you had to see that face 4 to 5 times a day. ....and I think I have it bad. The good news is they are not emotionally attached and can walk out with an eye roll and leave it be. Her apartment looks like it came out of a magazine but it's still not enough. It is a brand new place--a year old now, she was the first to live in her apartment with granite counter-tops..but she lives in "hell" in her mind.

Cher, I will be 78 when my mom is 100. I am 2 years shy of 50 now and I cannot imagine almost 30 years left of this. If I can stay away like I hope to, then I can make it through. I have also read that depressed people have a much shorter lifespan. I just think my mom is always the exception to any rule. Maybe because that's how she sees herself.--LIGHT BULB!! Wow, I just had an epiphany. LOL I have read studies that suggest a person that is severely depressed lives on an average of 71 years. My grandfather, her dad, was a very depressed man--but you would have not known it because he kept going regardless. He became ill with lung cancer and died at 67. My grandmother, her mother, was not a depressed lady and died at 90. I have a friend that her dad was very depressed and lay in the bed like my mom with little to no socialization and he died at 72. My mom on the other hand is very depressed and a lonely person, but yet this spiteful, revengeful person finds a way to keep pushing forward. She literally lives to find failure in everyone, including me. Most of us humans are goal driven, her goal keeps her up and moving. Until she moved in AL, though, she literally only had me and a couple of caregivers that she saw on a regular basis. She now is more social--not by her choice though. It is proven that social interactions of any kind can prolong your life. She doesn't live a good quality of life, but thinking about it, I don't either at this point of my life. Even though I am not miserable as she is, I am miserable in a different way now. I have always been a relatively happy, positive person. She has made me very unhappy and somewhat pessimistic (and I do not like it).

As each week moves on, I realize how much more mad she will become at me. It is kind of scary to think what she could do. She is always looking for a way to get revenge in some way. Thinking about her thinking I have cheated her, I often get worried that she will dig deeper. If she does, then she will only find out that I used the money for caregiving, hospital visits, doctor visits, groceries, and some "gifts" to myself that she encouraged--she will deny that fact to the bitter end. I am not worried about finding where the money went, because I know. It is her believing that I stole it. Oh and by the way, she cannot drive anymore so she told me to take her care and sell it and put it toward something for myself. I had a vehicle and didn't need another one. So what I did, I sold my vehicle to put toward my son's car (he is 16). I kept her car and I am driving it. Now, though she is saying how I am taking everything from her. Her furniture is in storage and she says I took that, a table that she wanted from my grandmother's estate is still at my grandmother's and she wouldn't let me take it to her apartment. She told someone that I took the table. This person took her to my grandmother's home and showed her the table was still there.--do you know that she said, "well, she brought it back so I wouldn't know"...uugh. Let me tell you, if I took $30,000, I wouldn't be needing new windows for my house, my back door wouldn't be rotting away, my landscaping would be finished, my driveway would be fixed and I wouldn't owe any medical bills myself.--the list could go on. She always has an answer for an explanation you could give her. She is one of those people than always has the last word--for real! HA!

If she could only take responsibility for her actions and her words and mean it. I can also see her devious self calling me and trying to be really nice then pouncing on me over the money. If she calls, my answering machine will be the one to get it.
Have a great weekend, peeps!

**car, not care** and all the above just will validate her feelings that I lied to her...no matter that I didn't take the money, but that I lied to her. We told her the insurance paid for care giving because she refused to pay for it. It was either I pay for her care giving or let her die.I stayed with her, but then school was starting and I had to go back to work. I explained to the hospice unit that she will not allow me to pay for the care giving out of her pocket. The Hospice unit told me that if I didn't get this done, they would put her in a nursing home or a state hospital and she would be forced to pay for it.--she needed 24 hour care and I had to get it done. She didn't want to go to a hospital or nursing--nor did I want that for her. Sometimes I wish I had given her over to them and washed my hands of it all. Regardless, in her eyes, this is all my fault anyway.

Oh, lol, one other thing I just thought of.... this backfired on her, but she never would admit it. She had a credit at a furniture store from a chair that she swore she didn't order--lol- this is in the beginning of moving to AL and needed a couch and a chair.(didn't want the one she had, just had to get new) She kept telling me to take the credit. I went to the store on several occasions and couldn't find anything I needed or wanted for that matter. She would stay on me, "did you go look for something" yes, but I didn't see anything. "You need to use that or they will get the money" A couple weeks before the "break", she asked me again about the credit--(do you see, her memory isn't that bad when it is something that impacts her)..I told her that my kids could use new mattresses and maybe I could go check on that. She said that was fine. Then all hell broke loose and I didn't go get the mattresses because I knew that she would accuse me of taking that too. Two weeks ago she had her sister to take her to the furniture store and check on her credit...smh... what did I tell you? I know her mission was to prove that I take everything. Voila , the credit was still at the store!--thank goodness. She used it on a recliner that was delivered last week. I wonder if she even likes it? She doesn't like anything. The store told her that she cannot get another credit. If she doesn't like the chair when it comes, then she has to keep it.

Wow! Jeweltone - awful to say, but I hope you get lucky and your Mom doesn't make 100! Imagine how mean she will be with dementia to add to it! Mom is just a negative, depressive manipulative "victim" who acts like being old is something that happened to her alone and came as a surprise. Frankly, she isn't smart enough to have ever devised revenge against anyone, even us - she's a victim, weakling herself so she is incapable of being spiteful. The meanness and striking out is totally dementia driven - a new thing, thank goodness. If I had to deal with what you are dealing with, I'd move to the other side of the country from her! Mom is infuriating because she has never, ever listened to anyone and all she cares is her "image" of what she thinks others see. So, deep down she is a very insecure, self absorbed, lonely unhappy person who thinks if she cries "woe is me" enough people will pity her and pay attention to her. Then she gets some sort of satisfaction in rejecting the offer to help. I think it gives her a feeling of power and independence. Her behavior doesn't make a lot of sense and she is very self destructive. I have been told that aside from not cooperating, she behaves fine there, so I think she reserves the worst garbage dumping and anger on me and sis. Its interested she doesn't actually blame either of us for her situation. She writes notes about her furniture, car, house being gone and where is the money, but yet to accuse us of anything. Isn't that strange? Of course I have explained 1000 times I manage her money, everything that was sold, the money is in a savings account, etc which satisfies her for 5 minutes until she forgets and we go around the bend again and again. Considering how healthy she is, and how fast the dementia is creeping up, I'm sure we have not seen the worst of it yet. Regardless, I feel bad saying I don't like her at all (love her because she is Mom) but she is simply awful to be around.

AmyGrace. I need to copy and paste everything you wrote in to my post. My mom has been exactly that--making herself look so perfect and put together on the outside that she is so insecure on the inside. I do believe this insecurity brings on the attacks. My mom always looked like Jackie Kennedy--always put together, her earrings, make-up, hair in place...etc. Everyone could look at her and be like--wow, you are gorgeous. she would smile and say thank you, as inside she would think--"you liar". In some sense she knew she was beautiful and she used it to manipulate. She is still beautiful even under the no make up, pj's all day..she still wants her hair perfect, but will not put on make up or get ready in any fashion. My mom, too, has always been the victim--woe is me, what about me, look at me, what if you were me?--smh. ALWAYS!! me, me, me. She too will be mad if someone doesn't offer help or offer a visit, but she will gain much satisfaction from being able to say no. It really started getting worse about 10 years ago--hindsight. Then 4 years ago she lost it. Lost herself (what was left) her home (she sold it quick), most of her money (from being so ill and needing care and reckless decisions) and here we are today. She has lost control and her image of the perfect person is gone. The beans have been spilled per say. Now, she can just be mean and hateful to anyone and everyone because now it is out.

As long as someone is pitying her and crying for her, she is fine. She told my aunt not long ago that I don't even cry anymore. She wants me to cry for her. One of the girls that work at the AL plays on the pity for my mom--to help with the relationship between them. My mom will always say, I wish everyone was like "sue".... You can only feel sorry for someone to a certain point. Also, I had been over everything with my mom too, how much she got out of her 3rd house in one year, how much was in her checking, her savings. She says I didn't tell her then called the bank. Some things she cannot remember, but the things I wish she didn't remember, she does.--which becomes such a bigger strain on our relationship. I have always strived to be the perfect person she wanted and it has broken me. It was never good enough and now it is even worse. I am getting some things done at home that I have needed to attend. Slowly, I hope to get my house back in some order since 4 years has taken a toll, not only on me, but my house and my family.

My next dilemma will be Mother's Day. I would like to say that I will not and do not want to send her anything. I would once again feel guilty if I didn't. I do not want her to call me with a thank you--which she will be compelled to do since she always had perfect etiquette. Hearing from her will be the last thing I want. Her voice makes me anxious. Thinking what is behind it all.

I have it on authority that for some strange reason that is deep in their psyche many elderly people with dementia will behave perfectly normally in front of some people and yet be vile to and about their family or just some of their family. Mum has told all the nurses at the hospital that I am grumpy and shout at her. Well yes I do shout when she tries to walk without holding on to her rollator, or when she grabs for a large vase to support (like it would!) or when she goes to pour a boiling hot cup of tea on to her dinner plate. These are safety issues that I need to warn her of. And yes I am grumpy when for the 8th time she has rung her bell in the middle of the night because she wants to talk but I am only human. Right now they want mum to go into care and she seems to want to as well...sadly that will make me homeless as they will sell the house from under me even though Iam her daughter and her full time carer
but hey ho I knew I was never important or considered within the care package.

So very true. Mom saves all the complaints and arguments for my sister and me. She used to care about us, our health, our kids, up until 10 years ago. Dementia has turned her into someone I don't know and don't want to be around - then I feel guilty. I forgot Mother's Day is coming up. I guess I will bring her a flower and candy and have lunch up there with her. There is no sense taking her to a restaurant, she won't eat anything and spends her time hiding it in her purse and asking me how I can eat everything they brought me. No longer bringing her home - she's like a cat on a hot tin roof, plus it is 40 miles each way, and she can't stay overnight - I can't trust her with our stairs, plus she will be miserable away from her cozy room (as much as she says she hates it)

Jeweltone - document your innocence, share it with the powers that be, reread it yourself every day if need be, and congratulate yourself for not falling into the snares she tried to lay for you! You are not what she thinks you are, YOU are a decent human being - rejoice and be grateful for that, because the kind of selfish, fault-finding way of life you mother chose for herself is nothing but the fast track to misery. Leave her alone on it if she can't or won't get off.

I so relate. Being it was my birthday today I still had to go and cater to her whims and see if she needed anything but NOOOO she is so so sick and cant eat and cant do anything but lay on couch. Really? Ok fine. Oh but can you do this and that before you go and dog needs to go out and can I get some water and I am done with paper today so can you put it out and what have you been doing all day? I just stared at her. She is such a hypochondriac it is pathetic. No happy b-day nothing. I go back about 2hrs later & she says what did you make to eat? I made roast chicken,baby potatoes,vegetables,for MYSELF. Want some.? I take over a small small plate with about 3 tablespoons & she tells me it is too much. So I scrape all of it off but 1 1/2 spoonful & took the dog to my house. You see she wanted to give my dinner to the dog like she does every night. That way she doesnt have to get off her ass to feed the dog(who is overweight). Like I said I come in drop off something and leave. I dont hang around or start any conversation with her because I think she is nuts and is only getting worse! But I can look in garbage or dog's plate and see what she did. Then she starts all over again the next morning how she didnt have anything to eat and how hungry she is,blah blah blah. She is just trying to start a fight. And I am the last person you want to start with lady!!

A lot of folks with some dementia put on a show. At the doctor, my mom can be a touch scattered, but she still knows her stuff, especially regarding getting her pills. She knows when the electric bill should have arrived in the mail, and knows when her rent is due. She can answer all the questions to pass a mental exam, comes across very sharp when she thinks she has to "put on a show." I almost think it's a ruse to make me look crazy -- some form of gaslighting, as it were.

I think my mom is miserable but I think she's the type who thrives on it. Like they're happy to be mad about something, you know? It'd never be satisfying to make scrapbooks or read biographies or visit the senior center because that could distract from being angry. If everyone is screwing her over then she can be the victim and I think that's what she wants, ultimately.

It's always been her old go-to line, "I've always had to fend for myself. I've always had to do everything alone." Far from it, but that's her deal. She tells people this and she long used those lines on me and then I was like, "I just ran to three pharmacies to pick up your medications at the right price for you, then went to the bank to get quarters for the laundry for you, went to the tobacco store you like to get your cigarettes for you ..." and she acts like it's an easy thing for me to drive to five different spots for her. Hey, even if everything is nearby it still takes time to do that.

I think it's her tactic, to use that line to get people to jump for her when she wants them to.

And as for crying -- someone above said mom wants them to cry over her, my mom has twisted that. It used to be she'd say my dad accused her of crying for attention, of faking it, and she hated it. A few times she's driven me to tears, and two or three times it was in front of my husband. Guess what she did? Said I "put on a show" to try and get pity from him -- never mind that most of the time when he sees me he sees me as a happy person. I found it mildly amusing that the person who considers herself a master manipulator goes and accuses others of the same thing. No emotion is honest with her; it's just a way to get things to go her way.

If I get mad that she threatens suicide if she doesn't get her cigarettes in the next hour, and she thinks I'm unreasonable, and yet if I cry out of sheer frustration I'm a manipulative a**! Pot calling the kettle black?

Heidi73, welcome to the daughters of Narcissist-Borderline Personality Mothers club.

Just remember it takes two to put on a show. I was over 40 when I finally figured out to stop attending my mother's shows. I would walk out, hang up, drive off, whatever it took to remove myself from the theatrics. Which made her all the more angry, but she had to deal with her anger on her own.

There's also Chronic Embitterment that goes along with this kind of personality disorder.

Last time my mom said she'd kill herself, I responded with "I'll throw you a nice funeral."

Once she threatened to run around the senior apartment building naked and pee on the floor. I just said "you wouldn't be the first".

sandwich...there you are and your funny stories. I do not have the nerve to say those things to my mom. Ha Ha. My mom threatened suicide about 2 years ago after she sold her house. She just kept saying, "if you don't have time for me, then I may as well die." I just don't want to live, blah blah. I did say to her to do what ever she felt would be best for herself. She wasn't going to do anything, but just wanted more of my sympathy.

Deb.. my mom did those exact things before she went to AL. I would offer food and she would say, I can't eat, how do you eat that? She would always make me take food back home and would freak out if I tried to cook something at her house. She got to where she would only eat ice cream cups and jello. She would get all worked up if I stepped out on the patio to take a break--she would come to the door and tell me to get back inside that I made her nervous being out there.--This is when hospice starting coming in because she lost so much weight and had quit eating. We thought she was getting worse and was not going to make it. After different medications, 24 hour care (even though I came over every day and night), but she needed someone there all the time. After that she started doing better, then went to AL. She still says she can't and don't eat, but believe me, she has gained all her weight back and will be around a very long time. She complains about the food at AL, but the staff tells me that she will ask for certain things they have.

I cannot believe it has been 36 days since I haven't talked to or seen my mom. I can only imagine how mad she is and what she has been conjuring up. I will tell you there is a storm brewing, it just hasn't come through yet. It does make me very anxious, but I am trying to stay strong. I finally went to the doctor for my eczema and he put me on some medication (prednisone) to help clear it up. I am feeling so much better and not scratching like my dog. Ha! Now, to clear up the inside like the outside.

Sandwich, thank you for the laugh! Chronic Embitterment sounds about right.
Jeweltone, I haven't seen my mom since Feb. 1, when she had a massive freakout, screaming at us, etc. I've talked a couple times, but kept it very short. She clearly still wants to fight, and I've just had enough.
I forget who said it exactly, and it's been around a while, but there's that quote about how you're responsible for your own happiness, and if you expect others to make you happy you'll be disappointed. I see my mom in that way: It's not my job to be a monkey doing her bidding and trying to please her. She has to make some effort for herself. She may not be able to get around much, but she could realize she's lucky to have people who will drive her around or be happy she has a good, reliable pension, that she could afford a hearing aid or a cab or to travel, and she chooses to be bitter and alone instead. She may have had a tough childhood, and it's sad, but that was 70 years ago. Yes, crap happened, and it was awful but instead of looking at the positive she chooses to be miserable.

Well said, Heidi. My mom definitely looks for me to fix it and make her happy. That's how she measures how I care about her too, the more I do, the more I cry for her, the more I spend the time, the more she thinks I love her. She still isn't happy and of course, she sees that as my fault. She has to blame it on someone because she is not going to take responsibility for it.

I read something the other night that made good sense too. It stated that a narcissistic person does get angrier and more unpleasant as they get older due to the fact they are losing their self image. They are loosing their looks and their cognitive ability to keep up the image and that makes them frustrated. Loosing control to them is NOT an option and therefore fires up the anger. As I have said before my mom is few months short of 70, and I cannot imagine it getting worse. How scary. These people also have a higher risk of becoming more demented as time goes on and even leads to Alzheimer's. That couldn't come soon enough--for her to forget everything. When she forgets everything, then I will go back around. Ha!

I just received a call from AL, just to put me in "the Know"....my mom went to the movies with the ladies the other night...she never would go out with me--she was too miserable, life was awful. Funny how sometimes people are forced to do for themselves when given the opportunity. She doesn't have me to fall back on for pity, so I guess she decided to join in on some "fun..I am thrilled. I want her to do well and have fun. I want that for her in the best way. I wish that she could be fun and enjoy life with me, my family, and her own family. Then today she is carrying on to the staff like it was a trip from h*ll.--3 days later..ha. She has had time to reflect. Too much time on her hands. Funny though when we would ask her to go get an ice cream it would be "they have ice cream here", I would ask about going to the movies--I can't climb those stairs in the movies, I wouldn't be able to sit that long!! --this is in a very stern and annoyance type voice.--that she is just annoyed that I would even suggest such a thing. hehe..

I am very glad she is doing some things, but I did tell them to warn me when she goes out, I do not want to run in to her...geez! I would have never in my wildest dreams have ever thought I would have to worry about running in to her out since all she ever wants to do is stay in the bed--maybe she wants me to think she is so miserable so I will get her out of there, but now her choice is to jump in whether she likes it or not.

Also, she has been telling them at AL that she cannot understand why I won't move her in with me.--REALLY!?! are you kidding me?!? Bring her to my house and her treat me this way. No way!! She is worried about her money so she thinks if she moves in with me free of charge, then she can save her money up. She is obsessed over her money. Well, she can have it. There is not enough money in the world that would allow me to bring her here. ((cringe))

Also, they have stopped playing her pity games now too. The director had to tell her she cannot talk mean and hateful to her staff.--that they are there to help her and it is not okay to act that way to them.. YAY!! others are starting to take away her control. She quoted the bible today to the staff saying that the bible says that children are not to forsake their parents. Please someone show me where it says that?!? The director told her that I didn't forsake her or she wouldn't be here today that she would be dead. That I (her daughter) did everything to save her life and make it comfortable for her.--of course she didn't like that. They are just taking up for me in her eyes. I am still amazed at how someone who has pretended to be so sick is yet so capable.--she has really played on me. shm!!

Okay, just needed to tell someone my story. Thanks for reading.

Reminds me of the last time I took my MIL to the movies and all I heard about on and on was how he man sitting next to her hogged the armrest. I finally said, did you even like the movie? Oh, she said, it was alright. Never thanked me, but she went on again about the rude man. You would have thought he molested her or something, instead of merely utilizing the armrest. I never took her to the movies again because she obviously didn't have the capacity to enjoy the experience. And I don't really need a thank you, but at least don't complain about the least little thing.

I've tried to take my mom here and there, figuring she might like the experience. She turns it down.
A couple times she, when she was new to her apartment and back in Michigan, she wanted to go to a cookout some club had. She had this vision she'd be famous the moment she'd walked into the place. While there she drank a ton of beer and ate some dinner. Seemed like she had a good time. Now, this was about four or five years ago.
Want to guess what I've heard ever since? "That place was too expensive." (The whole meal was included and it wasn't that bad, plus there was live music and it was in a pretty park.) "They didn't have much food." (They roasted a whole pig, and she was too busy drinking beer after beer to get food until about 10 minutes before the dinner ended.) "The people were stuckup." (Um, mom, you sat there guzzling beer after beer, and just looking at guys and thinking they want to leave their wives for you isn't a good social situation!) She still gripes about how awful it was. And actually I thought it was a nice event. Nice drive in the countryside. The setting was pretty. The food was good. It was nice to hear music and enjoy a beer outside under the stars. But nope, it sucked!

On a side note, she called a couple weeks ago and said she hadn't done her taxes yet, because she was waiting on some detail - she thinks she's going to sue the hospital and get a big payout and this somehow was distracting her from doing taxes.

My husband thinks we should check on her and make sure she gets them done on time. In a way I agree, but then again ... I kind of think, if she hasn't had them done yet it's a good red flag. Because she needs help and not in the way she thinks she does. Her doctor won't cooperate. (But I do think she probably had them done ... she knows when they're due just like she knows when the electric bill should arrive in the mail.)

I guess my take is mean or tough love, and my husband is more concerned. I think it's a case of it needing to hit rock bottom.

Something that bothers me with my mother is I don't know how much is her and how much is me. Am I too difficult and mule-headed? Am I too depressed because of this entire circumstance? Should I try harder to be nicer? So I go into the living room all bright and cheery and get some miserable remark in return. We talk for a few minutes and she starts an argument. Nope, it isn't me, I guess.

But then a little later I am again wondering if it is me who is the problem. Am I being too difficult and mule-headed?...

You ask a good question Jessie. I feel the same way with my mother... always trying to 'please' her (the 'good' daughter)... never can 'seem' to do enough... while the time whittles away... I'm finally coming to the realization that my (our) mother's would be in a far 'worse' place 'without' us... I think we've been in what they call a 'codependent' state... I think it's because we 'love' so much... I force myself to get out of this by 'forcing' myself to get out more, even for a few hours... When you're away you can think more clearly and it also give 'them' the time to 'think' also (they need to appreciate us when we're 'not' there). Be kinder to yourself...

Heidi, I walk that line too, of when "tough love" is necessary, and if so, how much. The tax issue is one that I'd probably address, because that's the kind of problem that will become YOUR problem eventually. The social stuff though, well I'm doing what I can, but there's not a lot I can do. I live too far away, and like your mother, she doesn't see anything positive or particularly enjoyable anyway, so what is the point? I spoke to my mother yesterday very briefly, and didn't even ask her about the recent dinner she went to (that I spent two weeks coordinating for her). She might not remember much about it anyway, and her comments are always negative, critical, and self-pitying. I just didn't want to go there.

Jessie:
PS... Didn't mention that while I'm in the same boat you are... My brother's don't 'engage' in the care of my mother at all... Nor, do they care about their (only) sister... Seemingly, they don't have this 'infliction' of the heart that some of us siblings carry.

Looloo, you're right about the tax thing. It could become an issue for me. I just tried to call my mom and no answer. (Dare I hope she's out getting her taxes done?) I'll try again later.

Could that affect me, though, if she has trouble? I'm not in charge of her. I have a very weak power of attorney that does not good -- she still has to give permission to the doctor to talk to me, etc., and my mom even wanted that revoked.

I have to agree with JessieBelle. I go through those same feelings. I sometimes feel like dirt, and wonder why anyone should like or love me. I realized that some of it at least stems from my mom. If she didn't like my mood -- if I was quiet, for example -- and she wanted someone to make her laugh or laugh at her comments -- she'd start in on me for being nasty or bitter or mean. I think that took its toll in a lot of ways, making me second-guess myself.

I think most 'nice' people will be taken advantage of (if they let them)... What comes 'easy' to us (in acts of kindness) is perceived as being 'too nice'. Look at Jesus... he was as nice as you can be, eh?... But really, don't let it fester and try and go on with 'your' life... Life is too short!