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It's just more paranoia and dementia that sounds schizophrenic I guess. There is no basis for reality here. Some years back she thought my cousin, who I haven't seen in more than a decade, had plans to steal my husband from me. We do have a court-appointed guardian, because I can't handle this anymore. I've had enough. I'll help how I can, but I can't deal with the negativity. That's all it is -- neighbors are out to shoot at her house, or another one is an HIV-infected prostitute or my husband is using me to support him. Not one good thought in the mix! Can't she hallucinate something nice now and then?
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Heidi -good advice from vikki, I had to laugh at " Can't she hallucinate something nice now and then?" I so understand, They will be negative to the last breath.. My mother has feared that various people - my ex and my sig other were out to get her money and sought help from her lawyer. The one who is out for her money - my sister sits on the side lines and grins, It is such garbage. Look after yourself. I finally stopped answering the phone and I am POA.- too much stress. I knew the ALF would call if something really happened.
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Hi Heidi--it is so hard to hear these awful accusations and distorted perspectives from one's own mother. Even when I know she is off base, it is still upsetting and makes me wonder if there is some truth. BUT your mother, like mine, is just working it. How unkind and bullying she is.

I have been getting better( I still have some days like yours for sure), but overall I am improving. I have been learning that my mother's incendiary, mean words should be given little or no weight. These are the ramblings of a nasty, albeit a little confused, but still nasty lady. Sometimes she is truly wonderful but too often she is just plain mean even if she doesn't realize it.

Your mother has not shown you the love and support that you needed and deserved. I know this because I really really love my kids and I would never treat them like this nor talk to them in this way. I would never want to hurt them, and if I truly, truly thought something was amiss in their lives, I would approach it so carefully, if at all. I just want my kids to know I am there if they need me. Through counseling I am now trying to mother my own inner child. Slowly it is helping.

I am sorry she got you so upset. Be kind to yourself and imagine that her words are in a balloon and you popped it and they all just evaporated. I hope you can calm down and maintain greater emotional distance. I am so happy I am in counseling. Maybe it would be helpful for you if you can afford it. I am thinking about you. Glad you wrote in.
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As the holidays ring closer, I am having issues with guilt. I went no contact and now I am feeling the pressure. My birthday is coming up--I am SO hoping my mom does NOT send me anything. I do not want a card or anything from her. She didn't send my daughter or my son anything on their birthday so I am hoping she doesn't send me anything either. Then comes Thanksgiving, we usually go to my aunt's but if my mom is going, I am not going. I want to stay as far away from her as possible. Talking about awkward moments. I wish I could fast forward and get through all this without even thinking about it. I want to enjoy the holidays for once. Hopefully that will come too. The peace I have been feeling is now dissipating into thin air. I sit an wonder many times why I have such a miserable mother. I am with you njny...I love my kids so much and would never intentionally hurt them like our mothers have done. I would not manipulate them. I NEVER want them to ever feel like I do.

I have three friends that have lost one of their parents in the past three weeks, one right after another and one tonight. They were close to their parents--except one, she lived like me, manipulated and controlled by her father. Actually, he just passed away tonight. He has been in the hospital for two weeks and she lost him tonight. As I sit and ponder on all this, I realize that tonight she is free, even as bad as she is hurting right now, she is free from all his madness. She is 43 and he was 68. She lost her mom when she was just 28 and now her dad. The door to her past is closed. So sad, but yet the torture of my mom lives on. As I think of my other friends that had the best parents have lost them too soon. How do we go through this and make peace with all of it? I have struggled, been anxious because of my mom's willingness to control and manipulate me and I finally "broke" free, but I sit tonight anxious once more knowing that she still has that "spell" on me. My armor is weak tonight, friends. Please help me put it back on.
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Hi Jeweltone! I am feeling your pain. Stay strong. Look how much you have accomplished and how far you have come. I am not even close to where you are. I am so grateful for counseling but still have a very heavy and overwhelming monkey on my back all the dang time pretty much. But it is better than it was. Stay strong and get through the holidays the best you can. You can do this!!!
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Thank you!!! I have come a long way for sure. I have been at this now for 5 years and actually 40+ if you count my life with her. I just received the invite in the mail from the AL for Thanksgiving dinner there with her. I really do not want to go and I don't think I will. I am trying my best to finally find myself again. Believe me I know all about the monkey on your back--I carry it around day after day. I am not going to counseling anymore, and I think just saying what I needed to say out loud was enough for me but I may need to go during this time as a reminder for myself. My aunt went to visit my mom the other day and she said things went well, but I haven't really got to talk to her much about it. The only plus for her is she gets to come and go when she wants, not when my mom wants her to. With me, it was all about what my mom wanted/wants. As you can see, the struggle is still there.

That pit in your stomach feeling is back and the anxiousness is really pulling me down. Trying to work and fighting these feelings is once again taking its toll. I don't even want to decorate because it reminds me of what is gong on.

Stay strong, stay strong...my mantra for the days ahead.
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I also can see how far you have come. I can hear the strength in your words, I am proud of you!!!
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Stand tall, hang in there, and get out those decorations if you can! I am thinking of you!
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You both are doing very well. I saw a new counsellor this morning who seems to have a handle on this. She says the effects are life long.. You learn to cope but... I find the PTSD is still triggered. The thing is to recognise it and figure out what you really want to do in any situation. Feelings are just that and can be alleviated and are temporary. I wrote out my concerns and felt better afterwards the last time I felt like a scapegoat. ((((((hugs)))))) to both of you
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Hi Everyone--I hope you have a good Thanksgiving! I wanted to give you an update and get some boosting power from writing to you. I actually went on a three night vacation with my husband! A friend was on call for my mother. I was nervous on and off but had a great time overall--amazing! I swore to my counselor that when I got back I would not let my mother call the shots any more and that I would not let her get to me. I vowed not to change my behavior or plansbecause she was moody, mean, demanding, sarcastic, etc. Well, here I am back again and she is mad about me not being able to drop everything and take her to get some scissors. She swears I ruined hers. I tried not to call back to smooth things over, but, dang it, I did call her. I offered to get her some scissors and bring them over later but she said no because I was clearly too busy. I said she sounded so annoyed, but I guess that was just the way it was. She said, nastily, that yes, that is just the way it is. No biggie, but it still grabs me and makes me nervous. Plus (a couple of weeks ago) she told me that every time I argue with her, her heart races and if I want to kill her, I know how to do it. So I am just trying to keep things calm even when she is so nasty and manipulative. I swear that she enjoys seeing me suffer when I do not immediately rise to her beck and call. I am trying hard though to keep going and not let her rule my life anymore. I just need to be prepared for her to act up and hold on the best I can. Wish me strength and resolve! I need your good thoughts!
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NJNY, you need to up your "bank" of stock phrases. "that's just the way it is" is a great one! Try to come up with a couple more "neutral" phrases that you can reply when she tries to get you going.

If she says that her heart is racing when you "argue" with her, I would suggest that you tell her that she needs to be seen for her anxiety issues.

Just remember, this is learned behavior, both hers and yours. It's the only way she knows how to interact with you, and right now, you're the only one with the insight and the cognitive skills to stop the "dance". Try to tamp down YOUR anxiety when talking with her. Have a script. Have a list of phrases and a list of things to talk about, to divert her from her need to upset you.

Remind me, is she being seen by a geriatric psych, or is she on antidepressant or antianxiety meds?

and if anything I'm saying is contradicted by your counselor or therapist, GO WITH THE PROFESSIONAL ADVICE, please.
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Thank you, Babalou. You gave me some very helpful suggestions. My counselor is awesome, but we focus quite a bit on the inner child--which has been surprisingly helpful and elucidating--but I am always in need of practical behavioral changes that I can incorporate. Happy Thanksgiving, and thank you for responding. I am grateful. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
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I understand about understanding one's past, one's "inner child", where the behavior comes from. Equally important, in the here and now, I think, is how to cope with your mom's behavior, and your reactions to it.

Sometimes, substituted behaviors lead to new feelings and understanding on your part. Sometimes, new insights lead to new behaviors.

The brain/mind is a complex organ/system that can change in remarkable ways, which is why good therapy works.
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Does she behave the same way with everybody? If it's only you, it's personal; and dementia doesn't really play a factor here. Walking away is easier said than done, plus I'm not the one on the Guilt Rollercoaster Ride from H*ll. What is also easy is to attribute everything to dementia as a way to put up with crafted behaviors designed to manipulate and make people feel a certain way. Don't fall for it. You're already feeling guilty enough. Next time you visit, hit the pause button when her words are taking you to a place where you don't want to be. "Ma, we're going to have to continue this conversation another time." Go home. Same thing with telephone calls. She'll get the message.
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Hi Eddie--you hit the nail on the head. While she can, at times, be growly with others, she saves her wrath for me. Sometimes she is delightful; other times just plain mean and manipulative. I have dealt with her mood swings since childhood. She was rough on my dad also. I do not see evidence of dementia--some forgetfulness, but that is to be expected. Thanks for the practical tips--I appreciate them! Are you in a similar situation?
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Not sure how everyone has been, but I can tell you that I have been so much better since I decided to go NO contact. It has been a year now. ONE YEAR!! Can you believe it. two years ago, I was crying and shaming myself for her actions. today, I am still crying at times, but not feeling shameful. I know that I did everything I could do for her. I had a cousin say to me last month that he is glad I didn't turn out like my mom. He told me horror stories of how she even treated him when he was little--I had NO idea. He reminded me that no one liked my mother because they didn't want to, it was because she wouldn't let them. Wow...what an awakening. She was always so hateful and manipulative. She put on a pretty face and fixed her hair just right (no joke she looked like Jacklyn Kennedy at times) She always had it all together in the public eye. But everyone around her knew, they just didn't know how to stop it. She always help upstanding jobs and my dad always had a great paying job. We had anything we wanted...we looked so perfect on the outside. Even on the inside of our house was amazing....look at her now... she is alone and miserable. She was so miserable before and made everyone around her miserable, but now she is alone in her misery. It is really sad. I can't tell you I am happy because I am not. I can tell you that it is a slow process trying to find some peace in all this. My mom must be doing better, she moved all her money to another bank--closed out all her accounts I was on and I am good with that.--the less I have to worry about. I am feeling free of her torment for once in my 48 years. Good luck to all!!! Miss talking to you!!!......and thank each of you for all your wonderful advice--I took it, and it works!
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Hey there, Jeweltone! I have missed you! I am so happy to hear that you are doing better. Maybe you aren't exactly happy, but you are free of torment and nonstop chaos! I am doing LOTS better, but it continues to be a struggle. My counselor is helping. I asked her if I could start to go every other week, and she agreed, but every so hesitantly. Clearly, she thinks I have lots more work to do. I guess she is right. You are successfully overcoming 48 years of stuff, and I am working hard on my 63 years of issues, and grateful for every gain I make. Anyhow, it is just great to receive your update. I was thinking about you quite a bit recently and wondering how you were doing. Take care and know I am wishing you some true peace, and happiness too!
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Hey there anyone still reading this post. I am still improving but today was/is a challenge. I cognitively know what to do and not to do to take care of myself but it is still such hard work. Here is what happened: I had to make a doctor appt. for my mother for early in the day because my husband has an event tonight for which he is nominated for an award. My mother treated my like you know what even though she was all right with it when I made the appointment. She is not good in the morning, but to be so cold and so mean? I guess I am still taken for granted and I guess she still thinks of me as her slave. She has been so much nicer lately, so this pulls me back a bit. I would never treat my kids like this. I am at the point where I want to walk away and tell her to only contact me if there is an emergency. I have tried so hard to make things work for both of us with a nice routine throughout the week. I give her a ton of my time and also save some for myself. But she is just plain mean and nasty still at times and I do not deserve this. I do think she has some forgetfulness but she has always been mean like this when I expect it or when I least expect it. My counselor told me I had to learn to walk through mine fields as a child but I don't have to any more. She said my mother does NOT have the right to speak to me like this. Even at the age of 89. Anyway, if anybody feels like sending a few kind words my way, that would be great. Feeling a bit low today...
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I'm glad to hear that you are still improving and sorry that today has/is a challenge. Your mom's impact, training or grooming for this unhealthy dynamic goes a long ways back which is why it requires hard work to get out of it. She's hoovering you back in with her recent niceness as you pointed out. That's all part of the dance. She's not going to stop her dance, but you don't have to keep dancing with her. I would not blame you for walking away and say only contact me in a real emergency. You don't deserve this stress and your marriage does not need this stress. D@#n the emotional torpedoes and take care of yourself so that you can reach your goal with no prisoners!
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njny magnums right it is a dance isn't it? My mother is a royal pain in the rear unless she is unwell and while it sounds terrible I actually like it better when she feels unwell because then she is pleasant. Today has been an unwell day and she has been pleasant and not mean about everything and anything. God I love non negative days. Sadly it aint gonna last long since she is feeling better. how do I know? Give you two guesses!
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Hi there-Cmagnum always comes through with encouragement. I am so grateful! Phoenix--I feel for you, but I no longer want to wait to see what my mother's mood is to determine how my day will be. I have given up so much of my life for her--I have given up say SELF for her. DECADES! I am still resisting the response I always have--calling her to make things "better." I won't do it. I hate that I cannot just have a nice relationship with her but she is destroying me and I am the only one who can stop it. It scares me how angry or whatever she will be by tonight or tomorrow but I have to stop and save myself while there is still time. She has my phone number and an emergency button (I pay for) so she can be cared for if there is a problem. I am so shaky over this--it was an unexpected day today--having her be so ugly, but if I am to listen to the therapist and all of you, I have to learn to let go of my childhood hopes and dreams for a loving mother. I will be there when she needs me but not to be kicked in the teeth. It just doesn't feel like me. I try to be a really nice person and now I have to not be that person. Weird, challenging. Hopefully worth it. Thanks so much. You make a difference.
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Credit card payment by phone did not go through the automated, but the account shows paid, so, calling a foreign country-not by choice, he asks, 'May I speak to your husband?' Who says, in a similar foreign accent, 'I have never used that card, who is this, and what card are you talking about?'

Well, Dh nor I will never use that card again. Can I quit now? Please? It is hard enough paying bills without the enemy undermining my efforts. Are there any friendlies out there? I cancelled the card. Still, a slow burn is building...
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Sorry, thought this was the whine thread, but is it normal for me to feel negative about the trouble Dh caused?
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I have had all the above experiences with Mom. Our relationship goes up and down like a yoyo but actually it is bothering less and less. First I just became numb, apathetic, and only there in a minimal way. I laid down my boundaries in a nice but firm way and mostly I see she cares enough about keeping our relationship on a good note even though some of the time she does stupid things: like trying to make me look like an idiot in public when she can't understand a menu, or do something in the grocery store. I have gotten to the point where I just laugh and truly see her pathetic or absurd behavior. And then I realize she can't hurt me anymore. Past the hurt I can know have compassion for her fears and frailities. I see that I can feel good by choosing to be there for her or ...NOT. She has improved in her treatment of me, learning to tell me nice things and how much she appreciates me.

When I lose my patience with her, she only gets worse. If I stay in a good mood and keep smiling and joking around, she lightens up. Things have improved, but I know it can change at the drop of a hat too.

I think the UTI infections affected her behavior. She now takes probiotics every day and has greatly improved her attitude about preparing her own food, and makes healthy choices in eating.

Best wishes. Try to get to the point where NOTHING and no one can shake your inner peace and joy of mind. The struggle is worth the learning!! Your joy and peace improves your own health too.
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juddabuddha, what you wrote is so wise. I think we can get so caught up in wringing our hands and thinking of the tragedy of it all that we lose sight that it is all just part of life. Really, if we think about it, many of our elders feel very sorry for themselves that they lived such a long life. Seems like that is something they should be glad about, instead of cursing about. I love to hear people talk about every day being a gift, instead of being a curse. I hope I am one who sees each day as a gift. Maybe I should start having that attitude when I wake tomorrow. Sounds like a plan.
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Hi all. I haven't posted in a bit. My mom got moved to a sort of group home around Thanksgiving. We brought her to visit our place around Christmas, hoping she'd be happy to see us, but she just wanted to go to her apartment, and threatened suicide, etc., so the woman who runs the home took her to emergency just in case, more out of precaution. In time they figured out that my mom threatens suicide to get her way. After a few threats, my mom stopped it when she realized she wasn't getting her way.
I try to visit Saturdays and take her shopping and to lunch. Some days have gone really well and it's kind of pleasant. Some weeks she's off and gets going with accusations of plotting against her, or that she's been sold into slavery. I get that it's hard to be moved out of your apartment and all, but she's really in no shape to be alone. She's a danger to herself and others if she's left to her devices. I have to say, though, it is kind of a relief to have her in the home. She's not always happy, but she looks healthier, and we don't have to worry about her falling or not eating. She even put on a bit of weight and likes some attention.
She has a few quirks, though. One is she wants to save money to take a cab to her old bank. I suspect she thinks she'll take a couple thousand dollars out and then take a cab out of state or something. Not sure about that. She doesn't have the sense always to understand that she's too helpless and confused to really live on her own. Maybe that's a blessing in itself, that she believes herself competent enough?
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Heidi, so sorry you are going through this. It is painful, but if your mother looks good and is eating, she is probably happier than she wants you to know. Your mother is a lot like mine was. No matter what, she was negative and complained about everything. (However, we found out she was just fine when we weren't there to complain to.) She, too talked about going back to her house right up until she was practically unconscious. The dementia makes them paranoid thinking people are stealing. Before we moved Mom to AL, she had accused the housekeepers in IL of stealing her ratty, stained, worn out clothes. Once she accused them of stealing her purse (which she hid every day) and AL had to call the police. It was embarrassing - that, among other behaviors was when we knew she couldn't be in IL. The worry about money seems to be universal for that "depression" generation I guess. Up until the last week of her life, my mother insisted on having her purse with her, and we had to give her a fake checkbook and she tried to pay for her meals in the NH.
It sounds like your mother is doing just fine, given her age and mental condition. Its wonderful you found somewhere that she can be safe and have other companions.
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AmyGrace gave a good answer above, She could be writing about my Mother. Oh by the way Hi AmyGrace it is Cheryl and been thinking about you! Funny that when my Dad was alive we gave him a false checkbook. Very interesting!! He was messing up EVERYTHING.
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Huh. A false checkbook. That's interesting. I actually do feel better that my mom is in that home. She looks better and the woman who runs it has just a few patients, so they all get a lot of attention, and she seems rather intuitive in how to calm down drama and that. I liked her the instant I met her, and have grown to like her even more. What bugs me is my mom has some roadblock about my husband. She thinks he turned me against her, but really she's just very needy and demanding in her ways. She had a rough childhood and can't help some of it, and part of it could be mental illness rolled in with the dementia, but she has that world view of everyone working against her or disappointing her, instead of seeing the good in people. And she probably tries to bully me into cowering to her and bending to her wishes. But if I did that she'd be alone in her apartment again chain smoking, with more burns on her nightgowns and bedding, with weeks-old food in her fridge. This is better. She doesn't understand it entirely, but after two months in a nursing home you look like you've been on a vacation, it's doing her well!
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Hello there!!! It has been a while for me! I hope everyone is doing okay. I just realized it has been two (2) years since I started this thread. WOW! Where does time go? It's funny how in two years not much changes. I keep wishing for change and peace. I am sure it's around the corner somewhere. As I stated last time, I had gone no contact with my mom for various reasons. I had seen a counselor to help me with some very tough decisions.
**Today I go to the mailbox, I hadn't been in a few days, and OMG I see an envelope from my......mom. Oh, I cannot tell you the emotions running through my mind in a very short few seconds.--what is she wanting, what is she going to say, why is she sending me this, what, why, how---no, I am not opening it, but you need to know what she has to say...all the thoughts and pain came running back through me like a swollen river. I opened it!! It was a birthday card with a check. She didn't send me anything last year, but this year she decides to get out the pen. She went on to say how she missed me and I should call her or come and see her. She proceeded to tell me she was sorry IF she hurt me in anyway.---KEYWORD (IF). The counselor told me to beware of those type of words if she were to contact me. Those words truly mean that she isn't guilty of anything but she wants to put it out there to reel me in.---boy did she ever?!? For a short minute my heart filled up with sadness for her and wishing she meant what she said. Maybe she did when she first wrote it, maybe she feels guilty, maybe just maybe?? Okay, back to reality. I will tell you I am at a struggle what to do. I really do not want to cash the check--could I use the money?--ABSOLUTELY. I want to send it back and tell her I don't feel right taking it and that I am not ready to see her. I want to just tear up the check and pretend it didn't come. Not sure where to go from here. She has said she was sorry so many times and I always end back in the same situation with her. This time, I need to stand my ground. Is it right? Am in the wrong?--see what she starts doing to me? If I were to go back and read what I have written through these two years, it would probably answer my hard question--what to do? Usually the answers are right in front of us. Once again, thank you for your listening "ear"/eyes.. Hope each of you have a Happy Thanksgiving.
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