Is it normal she's so negative?

1952, It seems other than those of us doing the caregiving, people forget that we have emotions, frustration, pain, and duties.I have found that some just feel
that we have some magic potion only available to us, and no one else. Well, don't we wish. We are the same, just with much more on our plates. I will look for the book you spoke of, thanks for that. The potatoe, is just one of a million things we deal with. Some would say ( so what, just one stop ), I would say, one of many stops, now and for a God knows how long! I am amazed at how much in common so many of us are, and have been dealing with. I am tired, and try so hard not to be upset, yet, oh yes, I am only human. Just as we all struggle we care, care and care some more. We pusg through each day, hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be better, never knowing, just hoping, like all humans.

I wish you well on your journey, and will hope that you are able to work things out, and can have your retirement well deserved, with some peace of mind and heart.

Jazmine1

Hi Jazmine1--thank you for responding. You helped! You are right--the silly potato was just one of a gazillion things. Last night the potato event was just the last straw for me. But, today it am going to try to be positive knowing full well that things could go south in a hurry. I am excited you are going to check out that book. If you do, please let me know. It helped me again last night. This author NAILED IT. Hope you and everyone reading this has a really good day, or even just part of a good day. I think I like being referred to as just 1952!

Hi everyone. I've had an unventful week re-my mother, which has been WONDERFUL. I still have that somewhat apprehensive, "when is the next crisis coming" feeling, but am diligently working on letting go of that. It's such a reflex though! I haven't heard from my mother's helpful-but-overly anxious and involved neighbor for almost an entire week (no phone calls, no emails, yay!). It's been 2 weeks since I've spoken to my mother - that was when I called her to inform her AGAIN that she can't drive EVER, and that I would get rid of her car. I did that mainly to clear my conscience, do my due diligence, etc. I didn't expect that she would take it well, or even understand, or remember. And based on the feedback from her neighbor, a distant relative who happened to call that same day, and my brother who visited a few days after, she didn't take it well at all, didn't seem to understand or was in denial, AND had no clear memory of exactly what happened. She did badmouth me to everyone though. I read somewhere on a psychology forum that this is called "demonizing." So, she demonized me. Ok fine. It wasn't long ago (a month, maybe?) that I would become outraged at the injustice of it all. And I'd be nervous about other people's opinions of me. I'd be compelled to drop whatever else was going on in my life, and somehow PROVE myself to these people that I'm really a VERY GOOD DAUGHTER! Now though, the idea of that just exhausts me, lol. I can't muster up the energy! In fact, I now consider it a very handy excuse to not contact her. And I have no plans to call or visit any time soon. I've been getting more organized with communicating her needs to her home care assistants, and I've scheduled a dentist appt for her (home care will drive her). The idea of no longer dealing with her in person, of not trying to converse with her anymore, is just so lovely. But, we'll see how things go.
Over the last weekend, I was very stressed out over the situation with her neighbor. The phone calls, the emails, her panicky urgent tone about things that I truly am NOT concerned with. The last few days, I've gotten a little more confident and comfortable with my own decisions. I wasn't sure how to handle this person. I didn't like her level of involvement (my mother seems to be one of her 'projects') and especially her own anxiety (I really resent having to calm HER down all the time). I've also noticed an element of pure competition with her - as if she's racing me sometimes, to 'do' whatever it is for my mother. Her behavior would end up feeding my guilty feelings more, so that I felt less competent, and not as 'good' morally as she was. And that unspoken invitation to 'compete' right back at her? No THANK YOU.
Emjo, you said something about how unhealthy people tend to attract other unhealthy people, and that is so very true. That statement also made me reflect on my own patterns of getting sucked in, no matter who the person happens to be. I don't want to be another 'unhealthy' person attracting people who act this way! So, I've spent the past few days 'detaching' even more. Making personal plans, not feeling obligated to explain, notify, or involve anyone in my decisions. Now, if only I could detach from that pit of dread in my stomach, the next time I see her calling or emailing! Baby steps! :)

Pit of Dread...you said it! That is exactly was lies in my stomach on a daily basis. Especially today. Tomorrow we are having a sale at my grandmother's estate to try and get rid of some things. We have worked very hard over the past few months and I have encouraged my mom to tell me something she may want of my grandmother's. She lived there over a year and has said all along that she doesn't want anything...as I have stated before. Today, I called her, not really wanting to. I needed to remind her I wouldn't be there this weekend and once again ask if there was anything she wanted. Well, today she tells me something she wants and guess what? One of the other family members has it. YES, of all things and someone else has it. I played so dumb and told her I didn't know what she was speaking of. I kept playing the dumb girl and she told me to be sure to look for it tomorrow. Great day, people, it NEVER ends with her. Over and over it goes. That little girl in me once again wants to please here and after I get off the phone with her I drive to my grandmother's house and walk through each room at least 6 or more times looking for something I think my mom might like. I grabbed a few things and put them in a box--the good daughter as looloo states. That is me, always wanting to prove I am a good daughter. One more time I go out of my way living for my mom. It has to STOP! I want her to be happy, content, pleased, and hopeful. She is NONE of those and will never be. I realize this, but something in me won't allow me to believe it.

The dread today comes from knowing that tomorrow she will probably call me many times because she knows the sale is going on and she will be nervous knowing the things are being sold.--rightfully so. I know it is painful for her because she really hasn't been able to grieve. She was so ill and on hospice when my grandmother passed. Now, she is better and is having such a hard time. She barely remembers going to the funeral. The thing is, she has had ample time and we have asked her many times to go pick something out and the answer is always no. Now I know that each day after the sale will be another thorn in my side with her constantly wishing she had picked something out. Of course, she will not like anything I have picked out, but the good daughter says try again,

Hang in there girls...we can and will get through this.

"Galatians chapter six warns us not to grow weary in well doing. If we do, we might miss our due season of harvest." ~~Victoria Olsteen

"Osteen"

Not sure if you can get on this, but I just read this and WOW! This is a great blog, please read if you are interested.

My website disappeared. We have ghosts...

As I stated yesterday, we had a sale at my grandmother's and was I ever right. My mom called me 5 times today remembering things she may want. Most of it was already gone and I was able to put back a couple things. I understand why this happens being the mind is not able to make decisions, but boy is it exhausting. When I saw her call, that dread was stabbing me hard. I feel so sorry for her then I get so upset with her. I finally quit answering the phone which by all means was so hard.

I have decided not to go see her tomorrow. I am glad I am able to stick with it, but it is still nagging at me. I am trying to pull back more and more, but my conscience tells me one thing and my mind tells me something else. Actually, my mind is full to capacity. I do not have anymore space left. That is one more thing I am working on--clearing out some space in my mind for more pleasure instead of all this dread and negative thoughts.

Hope all is well with everyone and I hope your weekend is going your way.

Hi everybody -- my mind is full to capacity too! Not good! Too much negativity and guilt stuck in there, and all of it is coated in raw fear. Gotta carve out some room for joy! Hard to do a lot of the time. Another rough day today where I had to restart my thinking over and over to remember I have wonderful people in my life who need my time and attention, plus time for just me! I am entitled to have my own life and be happy. Why is that so danged hard?

After helping her a bunch today, my mom told me she loves me and doesn't mean to say mean things--it is just because she has pain. I appreciate her saying this but it just doesn't cut it. Pain is awful, but being mean doesn't make it go away. I feel like she treats me like an old shoe or a worthless piece of junk so much of the time. Less now than I used to, though. I told her about the way I felt she treated me a couple of years ago and she was furious. It did help a bit though. I think she appreciates me more than she ever did before.

Which Blog are you referring to, Jeweltone? I never saw that information in your posting.

jewel, the first time mother moved I got rid of some things to charity and took others to my house and still have to dispose of some. Mother changed her mind several times about what she wanted and didn't want. I was not going to play the game of musical chairs. She wanted me to bring a certain chair down to her (250 miles away) and take away another one. I knew if I started that it would never end, so I said no. She fussed about having a rocking chair so I bought her a new one and had the store deliver it. She wanted one painting and I was happy to give it back to her as I don't like it. That was it. I refused to make any more changes. It becomes a game and a way of getting attention and getting people to do things for them. I had already done enough by moving her, emptying out her old apartment etc. I have found that when I start feeling sorry for her, things don't go well. I tend to over extend myself. Good for you for not answering the phone any more and for not going to visit tomorrow. Focus on yourself and what you need.
I don't know if it is your conscience speaking to you or the guilt - which is a very different thing. Let your conscience be active in terms of looking after you too.

I read a C.S. Lewis quote today to the effect that the heart must listen to the mind.
"We tend to trust too much in our feelings, and allow our feelings to direct how we think. It should be exactly the opposite, that is, our mind should direct our feelings. Allowing our heart to direct our lives can lead to ruin."

Take care of you.

1952 -we cross posted - glad you are working on you and things getting better. I have the Karyl McBride book and it is helpful. Sometimes giving feedback helps- it is a form of a boundary.

Yes, other people in your life deserve attention too, and so do your yourself.

"I am entitled to have my own life and be happy. Why is that so danged hard?"

You ARE entitled. !t is hard because a narcissistic mother brings you up to serve her, and does not recognise that you have a right to your own life. They have very poor, if any, boundaries. We have to "unlearn" what we learned about our roles in childhood, and learn - teach ourselves - new ones, all the while being pressured by our narcissist to stay the way they brought us up. It isn't easy, but with work it can be done (((((hugs))))

Sorry if this is off topic-maybe it should be a separate post. Have you ever felt uneasy about notifying no longer close friends/family about a parent's health, or diagnosis? I just emailed a once close family friend (no drama, we just grew up and our families drifted) who I'm facebook friends with, and told her about my mother's dementia. She had mailed new baby announcements, and I get my mother's mail, so wanted to let her know I'd be forwarding it along.
I've gotten the impression over the years that her parents and my mother's relationship has soured--understandably. My mother has alienated many people with her rudeness, lack of interest in others, snobbishness, and so on. But I haven't told people about her dementia in some part because I believe she'd be embarrassed (and of course, she'd think I was trashing her to others).
Anyway, part of this journey is realizing how long I've kept up a facade for many reasons, and feeling like it's ok to let that go too. My mother won't know now, so it's ok, I think.

The website I put on was deleted-- it was a biblical look at being raised by a narcissistic parent. It discussed how they (the narcissistic parent) trains their children to be obedient. I couldn't believe my eyes. Even though I know I am obedient to my mom, I didn't think about it as though I was trained to be. Now, it makes so much sense why I/we are so willing to do what ever they want from us. They trained us do to so.--(this may not have happened by them knowing that is what they were doing, but their ways made it happen). Then it went on relating verses about honoring our parents can be done from a far. It doesn't mean we have to honor them doing everything they tell us to do. Respect is the main idea to the verse: "honor your father and mother". It was a really good read, but someone from AgingCare must have deleted it. It stated that honoring our parents meant to listen to their teachings which were based on the commandments of God. Not their own teachings of their narcissistic ways. It was interesting to me and helped me understand a bit more WHY I do what I do for my mom. Now I realize I was trained to do so. I am going to now find a way to train myself to get away from the teachings of a narcissistic parent and teach my own way to a more joyful, peaceful life.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy Jeweltone.

I was reared in a super duper strict Southern Baptist environment. Home wasn't as strict as school and church, but mom & dad were no slouches. It was the no card playing, no drinking, no movies, no pants for girls, no divorce, no smiles, no fun, no enjoying anything about life at all people. Anything that seemed remotely enjoyable probably led to dancing.

It was brainwashing from all corners, 7 days a week. Obey, obey, obey, obey or go to h3ll and be roasted like a S'more. This totally sounded reasonable to everyone. That God would send children to hades for sassing and having independent thoughts. We were inculcated at every turn to not think for ourselves. Don't ask questions. Don't speak up. Do as you're told and don't think. Anybody who was being abused must have done *something* to deserve it. These were the same people who eventually went on to do the preaching that if you're not rich, God doesn't love you and you deserve to be poor. Sadists, every single one of them.

This triple whammy from Mom, the private school, and the church that ran it really did a number on me. I had zero self-esteem until I went away to college and got completely away from that thinking. Those people systematically dominated the girls that went through that place. Guys were off the hook. Girls were from original sin, evil, dirty, and not worth anything. It was really shocking, but this place was huge, powerful, and nobody was going to question them back then.

It has taken me decades, therapy, and a lot of personal work to get over that upbringing. If it weren't for my dad and several key people at a different church who were genuinely loving, truly kind, and who never demonized me for questions, thoughts, and opinions....I'd probably have done myself in before now. They were like a small oasis in a hurricane. They never said I was evil.

When I moved to a different state with no S.Baptists, it was like somebody opened a window and let in fresh air. People laughed, told jokes, wore normal clothes, and went normal places. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

If it hadn't been for a handful of normal moms that I got to know in late highschool, through their daughters, I would be so messed up. Those mothers showed me what it could be like. They showed me love, kindness, softness, and basic respect as a worthwhile person. Amazing!

Now that I know what my mother was struggling with, I wonder how many other of these mean, sadistic, pathetic people were also struggling with mental illness and using God & church to justify their actions.

Example: in mom's piano bench was old sheet music titled things like "Why Me", "Searching", "Make me Whole", and other things that I can sum up by saying "Life has to suck and then you die. There's probably more punishment after that". Those people have no idea what they're missing and I feel pity for them.

Sandwich: I grew up Baptist too, but it was my grandmother who took me to church. If it hadn't been for her, I too would have turned out no telling how due to my mom's ways. My grandmother was the most loving, caring and unselfish woman I know. She kept me during the day while my parents worked and took me to church every time the doors opened. She showed me life was good until I had to go home. I thank God he put her in my life. My dad is so much like her. He left my mom 25 years ago and now I understand why. He just couldn't take it anymore. The torture she put him through. He was never good enough, did everything wrong, and was stupid in her eyes. No one was perfect like her. My mom didn't really go to church much, but her grandmother was old regular baptist which sounds like what you grew up in. Never cut your hair, only men wore pants, do not pierce your ears--she would say, "if God wanted those holes in your ears, He would have put them there." My great grandmother, my mom's grandmother, was the same way we were all going to h*ll. My mom was just more about being perfect in her own way, but she too was raised by "perfect" parents. No talking back, no voicing opinions, do as I say not as I do...then my mom raised me the same way. My dad's mom was my only relief. She showed me how to truly love people and not to judge and how a Christian should be. I miss her so much. She died at 84 15 years ago. My heart breaks with every thought of her, but I am so thankful I had her in my life. I am glad for you too that you had someone else to show you what life could be like. I thought for sure you just typed what I could have dictated.

LooLoo: My mom has been ill for 3 years and now looking back at least the past 5 or more years. I am just now starting to tell people. I haven't told anyone that she used to work with or anyone that she used to go to school with. I always just say she is doing ok when they ask about her. I avoid any questions when I can. I do it for the same reason that my mom would not want anyone to know because she always displayed this perfect life and pristine self and would be embarrassed. I just do it out of respect for her since she was always so private before and still is. When my mom doesn't know the difference, then I will share more with others, but for now, I only share here. I do totally understand where you are coming from. Slowly though it is good to start telling people, because that has helped with my stress too--not holding it all in.

Today is Monday a rainy, dreaded day. Why, you ask? I go visit my mom today. Do hair, fix medicine box, and ? well, who knows what is next. I am so hopeful for a good visit. There will be many questions about the sale that took place this past weekend and some answers I will not want to give. For one, it will stir up a hornets nest and for two, my nerves just can't take it. Once again not wanting to fail her as the "good" daughter--that trained to be obedient little girl.

My hopes for today: A good, quick visit with no complaining and no negativity. Just a calm enjoyable visit.

I have told myself: She cannot hurt me anymore, I am in control of the situation and can leave at any time during the visit and I will not let her ruin the rest of my day.

Monday morning: a pleasant day: nice breakfast, listen to NPR, sunny day. Plan day. Phone rings. Darn forgot NOT to answer it . It's Mom with her demanding nervous, scratchy, annoying demands and voice. Oh and the nasty sarcasm: "Ah JUDY. Are UP yet? I ,........." me: "I am cooking breakfast." her with ultra sarcasm: "OH PARDON ME!" "I'll call you when I am finished with breakfast.'
me: try to calm down from anger at myself for getting the phone. Got peaceful after 20 minutes. An hour later, I call her back.
"Well, well, are you UP now?" I didn't say anything.
"Are you there?"
"That sounded sarcastistic to me. I am fine."
"I am not sarcastic," she laughs with her demonic phoney laugh. "That's YOUR interpretation. But OH I am USED to it."
"Yeah, I am too." I said. "Now what's your problem?"
she can't explain it except for interrupting me when I ask her things to find out more, and then finally she shouts at me, "OH your're getting me all upset!!"
"Why don't you call Comcast and ask them about your bill. I never had them or cable before and they know what you need to do. That's their job to explain it to you."
"OH, you never listen to me. Why don't you listen to me!"
She goes through exactly the same illogical stuff with double nasty sarcasm.
I repeat what I said with more calmness and firmness telling her to call them.
"I have to go to the bank. Why don't you call me later when YOU'RE in good mood!"
I laughed (genuinely). "I WAS in a great mood!"

Geezum, Mary, and ghosts of Rage! or age or something!
Yes. Now I will put on my music. Turn it up and shower her crap off of my holy aura!

Comments welcome! Thanks for giving me a place to vent. I feel ever so much better.

judda, Happy Monday! How's your aura doing? Better, I hope! Having your good sense of humor helps to diminish the stress and keep things in a good perspective. And you took as much control over things as possible, which is great. Waiting to call her back until you were ready, instructing her to call the experts to get information (rather than gripe to you), then getting off the phone, and going on with your day. Good for you!

Thanks Looloo. Yeah. I put on the Rhythm and Blues, remembered my fun day dancing. Willed those feelings back to my present. Took a shower. Made up and sang a blues song about my feelings about Mom and imagined the crap to go down the drain. Feeling renewed I switched to Aretha Franklin. RESPECT. Haleluyah.
Ready for Monday. An email appears from Mom. What? It reads like, like, an apology? I think that's what's underneath it and the words are almost there!
Ladies, get on board this boundary thing! It's a good thing. If the parent is not totally 100% sanity gone, there may be a few moments left of a thread of communication. Not much, but at 93, that's pretty good for her. Either way is ok with moi!

So, it's been two days since I informed this person about my mother's dementia (via facebook email). No response. I know it might be a bit early to expect any kind of response. But is it? She seemed like she was on fb throughout the day, most every day -- like most people I know. I don't expect any lengthy email back, or phone call. But I kind of feel a little self-conscious, like how you see embarassing moments in the movies where someone says something expecting SOME kind of response, and all you hear is the sound of crickets and bullfrogs.
I'm questionning my own sense of what I thought were lifelong ties. Even if we're hardly in touch anymore, I've known this person since she was born, and her parents and my parents were close enough that they were listed as guardians for each other, if something were to happen to us kids. I know people have falling outs, and drift, and I have no problem with that. I just am feeling a little like...if this person sends baby announcements the old-fashioned way, in the mail, to my mother and to me, then we are officially still in touch right? So, why not even a courtesy "i'm so sorry to hear..."? Sigh.... I guess I needed/hoped for/expected more, which is my mistake.
This is one of those times where I feel more alone for having reached out, then I would have felt if I'd just kept to myself. I feel that way a lot, actually. Kind of burned out on human interaction. Sorry for gloomy gus attitude today :(

Other people's responses to information is their problem, not yours. They can take it or leave it. Whatever, man! This kind of behavior is what keeps dementia, mental illness, domestic violence, discrimination, fear, hate, and injustice fueled up and red hot. This is why people keep secrets they shouldn't and don't get help they desperately need.

Found out mom has (had) schizophrenia with paranoia. That explains even more than bi-polar. They started Risperidone with her last night. She believes everyone is out to kill her. Thus the flip out when she saw EMTs coming to get the lady next door to her at the NH. She thought she was next and they were going to cart her off to kill her. She has verbalized this kind of thinking to me many times over the years. This is not new thinking. The dementia just keeps her from hiding her reaction to the thoughts now.

Probably 5+ years ago I made an anonymous call to the county APS to report a vulnerable adult. They were worthless, but she wouldn't let them in the door because they were going to cart her off and kill her. It took me on the phone, my uncle next door to her, and the Sheriff to get her to open that door and let the SW inside. I told her, you can open that door or they will open the door. But the door will be opened. You aren't helping yourself look very sane right now by hiding like a child. They know you're in there.

I think MORE people ought to be trained on what schizophrenia looks like and how to respond to it. Mom was never a drooling idiot. She wasn't picking at her poop in a corner of a room. It's not always like it looks on TV. She could get dressed and have a conversation. The dementia made her stop keeping secrets like the voices she hears and hallucinations she sees.

Her deepest fear was anybody finding out and taking her away for lobotomy and shock treatment. Because that is what they used to do in the past. She never could understand we have progressed past that and a good doctor plus the right meds can set you on a terrific path. Sad.

Hope the diagnosis and meds help your mom (and help YOU with your mom as well), Sandwich. It's very sad. And we've got a lot to learn regarding how to 'handle' mentally ill people. Watching the news, I notice how harmless mentally ill people will slip through the cracks and not get help. And the ones who become violent -- to themselves and/or to others -- they also go undetected for many reasons.

looloo, sometimes people don't know how to respond to serious news, so they don't say anything at all. Those of us who've been in these situations know that there are no magic words, but any heartfelt words of love and support help. But I think people on the outside think they're supposed to say something profound or uplifting. I saw that in my own family - when we learned my husband had PD, some were right there with "hugs and love" or "well cr*p". These were the people who'd seem their share of rubbish. Others were silent or weeks late, and these were those who hadn't been thru the storms. Give her a little time - it may be that she's also been touched by a loved one with dementia and that hit that little tender spot.

It is very sad. I am sorry sandwich you are dealing with this. You are also right about other's reactions to mental illness--dementia, depression, paranoia, or whatever the case. Looloo try not to be discouraged, some do not have the words to express what they are feeling. Let it sink in and maybe they will respond. It may not be/probably won't be what you would like to hear, but give it some time. They are probably as shocked as you are about the situation, or as sandwich stated, oh well--they may not give it a second thought. YOu did what you thought was the right thing and let that be it.--the right thing for you. I am the very same way when it comes to wanting to do the right thing and hoping everyone would have the same reactions as myself.--oh I am sorry or what can I do? Not everyone was raised by narcissistic parents that made them be obedient and made them think of other's feelings and second guess there own. But we totally understand all of it because we were trained to be the obedient child and to second guess our own thoughts and feelings.

Today my mom called once again with a list of items she wants from her mom's...those items are gone, of course. She tried to pull the woe is me, everything I want is gone, attitude. I told her straight out that she had first dibs and was asked every week if there was anything she wanted There is was, the awkward silence. That was my cue to say, I need to go back to work. I am going to take this time to say I don't really care that it is gone, she had her chance. With that said, I do realize her mind was not right to be able to make decisions about what she wanted. Now she is thinking about things in the house and wants them. For my own sake and the guilt I hold on to, I cannot worry about what is done.

My thoughts are with each of you tonight as you think of how tomorrow will go. Let's try to remember: Nothing we do will change the way it is.

Looloo-you have a right to feel sad. You opened up and expected some warmth and understanding, but nada. I feel badly you feel so alone but I know what you mean. It is hard enough to go through all we do and then have a door feel like it is slammed in your face. On the other hand, maybe she will send you a note or surprise you later. No matter what, at least you have us! I have let myself be vulnerable in the past and sometimes I really really regretted it, but overall people are great. Don't let one crummy response (lack thereof) tarnish your faith. Others are out there who really do care and will be there for you. I am positive of that.

So many things I want to respond to on this thread the last few days - family secrets, lack of diagnoses for mental illness, second guessing, boundaries, , biblical bases for dealing with a narcissistic parent, communicating with others and getting no response or a hurtful one, feeling alone... for some. I have had a couple of days of brain fog with the candida infection, and am behind in answering. I will get to it, but probably not tonight.

I will throw another one in here. For years I have had this phrase in my head "LEAVE ME ALONE". Finally I looked it up on the internet several years ago and, lo and behold, it relates to children of people with personality disorders. I didn't find it so easily now, but it came out then when I needed it. I have a very deep need to be left alone, from the continual interference of my narcissistic/BPD mother. Anyone identify?

Emjo, I almost got a chill reading "leave me alone!" It was what I would ALWAYS say to my mother, from my earliest memories. Lol, and she never would...
Where did you find the info?

Hi Emjo and others with Narc and BPD mothers. I often feel like I am 2 people: the one that tried to please Mom and derived my identify from her demands and opinions, and the other person who is genuinely myself. I am slowly suffocating the first one and reviving the genuine self.

Emjo--the Leave Me Alone phrase resonates with me very strongly. That was a great revelation you had--very helpful to me for sure. Hope your candida infection is cleared up--not any fun at all!

Leave Me Alone! Oh yes, that has been my mantra! Because of the tyranical Narc mother, I never knew how to be a good partner. In business it's hard for me to set boundaries. I feel taken advantage of often, not paid enough, etc. I love being alone. I feel free and the most productive. I love silence or to talk outloud to myself: have to restrain myself when in public. I hate being around people who talk non-stop and are demanding attention. I don't know I ever was a a good teacher, but I was, especially I was a hit with 5-9 year olds. Go figure.

If I go to to a beach or public place, I always head for the far end where there are few people. I can entertain a large crowd for my work but I prefer to be alone. I sure can understand where all these preferences come from! If you lived one day of our crazy family, you'd be that way too. Maybe you are?

I got really good at being "invisible" as an only child with a mother who was "Hellon Wheels". Man, when she was on a tirade, it was something. And she never ever ran out of steam. If she had routed that energy into working out or something productive, who knows what she could have accomplished.

Even now, at 77 she can still do it. Rage and rage and rage and rage. I finally got to the point in high school where I was just sick of it. Fed up. It didn't scare me. It bored me. I started mouthing back things l shut it down, like "how long is this going to go on? I have somewhere to be." Or "can you finish this some other time. I'm really bored listening to this. You've been at it for hours." I do not know where I found that kind of bravery. I must have been thinking what the heck do I have to lose? Oh gosh, what if she throws me out - whatever shall I do? A happy dance for one.

She would call me in college and stalk me by phone. In my first dorm, we only had one pay phone on the hall. Mom would call and call and call, interrogating who happened to answer on where I was, what I was doing, etc. Obnoxious! I transferred to a school farther away the 2nd year, and mom would call non-stop. She would fill up the answering machine and then start calling the dorm office. Then she would call her brother & sisters and my dad's brothers to hash it all out more. I must be out prostituting and selling drugs since I am not in the room. There couldn't possibly be any other choices.

I know now that was her OCD that set her anxiety off, which fueled her paranoia. When I did talk to her, I'd get the third degree and just emotionally eviscerated. Over & over & over. It was difficult for me and probably scary to my hall mates to see me having to listen to this shrieking voice on the other end. At some point I found my brave pants again.

So I started giving smart answers back - "yes mom. I am currently shagging the socks off the biggest darkest sailor I can find. And we're doing drugs off each others' bodies while listening to devil music. I may be carrying his child." She would get so worked up that I didn't take her obsession seriously. I would ask her why she was on the phone with me instead of finding some friends of her own and doing something interesting for once. I had a great time in college, but if my life had been half as wild as her imagination, I would have had a much better time, but I don't know when I would have had time for classes and assignments.