I am watching sick 4 y. She has dementia, is 90, my dad passed a yr ago, at 91 from traumatic brain injury, fell in his home. We lived 4 blocks from them so she insisted on staying in home, which she did till we moved her in with us in April, sold her home in Oct, moved her to AL in mid October. Her dementia was progressing, and she would become irritated and upset, get upset if I left for a couple hours, Got to the point we couldn’t leave her alone...
Why do I feel so guilty?
I have been primary caregiver for both my parents over 10 years. My family in town have always participated in care. I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled child. I have 2 brothers, 1 visits at least every 2 months , the other 2 times a year, though he is less than 4 hours away
You most likely suffer from FOG...Fear=Obligation which leads to Guilt. Read up on it. Guilt is an emotion that we create ourselves, we use it as a crutch, it keeps us stuck.
When she calls at night, do not answer, if you don't have the strength to not answer, block her for the night. If there is something wrong, the home will call you. Good Luck.
When Mom is upset tell her that you are dreadfully sorry she is so unhappy, and that you will return or will speak to her again when she is feeling better. Now that will be the start of a real training program! Good luck. Everyone here knows how hard it is. There's not a simple thing about it. Hugs.
I know mother is being looked after, and as long as she depends on me, she will never adjust to AL
You know when I felt guilty, when Mom lived with me. I live in a split level. She had the bottom level where there was a full bath with a shower and easy excess out the back. Problem: my main floor was the living room and dine in kitchen area only. Stairs going down to her room and stairs going up to our rooms. Mom was unstable on steps so she stayed in her room most of the day. Daycare helped get her out and then an AL. Best thing I did. The building was one big square she was able to walk around all day long. Couches and chairs every so often to sit.
Does she really need a phone? She should be relying on staff. Next time just say OK Mom I'll get someone to help. Then call the AL and ask if they could check on Mom. Mom is paying big time to live in this AL, use them. Mom is in a safe place. You now can enjoy ur life. Do ur brothers feel guilty, NO. Either did mine. I am assuming the 4 yr old is a grandchild, enjoy him/her. They are only small for so long. Mom has lived her life. My daughter, RN, worked in rehab/LTC and says "they are living passed their expiration date". Mom will eventually adjust. Better getting her in an AL early instead of later. And yes, you are now dealing with another 4 yr old. They become selfcentered. No empathy, they have lost that ability. So, just treat her like you would a young child. No long excuses.
mom has at least 8 people that call her weekly, we r blessed that way, that’s why she has the phone
In situations like this, I would call the nursing station and tell them that my mother needed help.
Let it go.