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TxBeBe: It is imperative that you take care of yourself, else who will? Perhaps mom now needs managed care facility living.
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TxBebe, how is your recovery coming along?
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Wow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. That has to be very difficult and hurtful....

Definitely set boundaries. Maybe even start a day by day spreadsheet of everything you have done for her, even if it is just a phone call...add a column indicating how much time you spent doing this. Next time she says you don't do anything for her, let her see the list, and let her know that if you quit doing what you are doing for her, she will need to either pay for someone else to do it, or go into a home for them to do it for her. Let her know that you are NOT going to give up your future for her present, that you are doing everything you can do without it impacting your job, marriage, and health (well, maybe too late for that, but please try to take care of yourself!), and your limit is about at the end of what you can provide. Of course, if she has dementia, you will have to show her that every time...and it might not make a difference to her, as she might not be able to reason.

If you feel so inclined, you could also show your spreadsheet to others that say you don't do anything for her.

I have a spreadsheet I kept for everything I did for my dad who had dementia, but I kept it more so that I could keep track of dates of things that happened, and what exactly happened.

Remember that often the caregiver passes before the afflicted person, and some have even said that after their LO passed, they never fully regained their health....so take regaining your health seriously!

Lot's of good advice in the responses in the thread. Hopefully some of them will give you some peace &/or ideas to help you cope. Best wishes.
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"What am I doing wrong? "

This is what I see you are doing wrong for your physical, mental, and emotional health. You are doing TOO MUCH for your mother. You've now had covid, were hospitalized, and need to rest. Why can't she hire help? Why did you start doing so much for her? Just as your brother decided not to help, SO CAN YOU.

She obviously doesn't appreciate what you do for her.

If I'd been sick like you were, I'd stay away from ANY help for a time. Tell your mother to call your younger brother. What is her financial situation?

Sounds like she needs to be in AL. How long are you planning to prop her up so that she can live "independently"?
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Every caregiver should ask herself, whose life is more important?
Both, we could argue. But Mom can find help.Your life is as important or more important right now!
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You are in a position where you need help and rest. It is time to ask others to substitute for you until you are better. Make a roster of helpers and when mom calls, have one of them help her.

She is most likely not adjusting well to your illness. She probably doesn't even realize how sick you are. Telling or reminding her probably won't work. Just stick to asking others to be your "helpers" for now.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2023
@Taarna

I usually agree with you most of the time but not this time. The OP should not ask anyone to be her mother's helpers.

She should force her mother to humble her pride and curb her fussiness and ask others for help herself.

It can be very healthy for a parent/adult child relationship when an adult child stands up for themselves and the senior-brat parent learns a valuable lesson. That they cannot treat their adult child any way they want, or complain and lie about them to others then expect them to come running.
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TxBeBe
How goes your recovery?
Let us hear from you.
Hope you are much improved.
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I hope you are well and taking good care of yourself. I had a very bad case of Covid January 2021 and know how it is. You need to put yourself and your health first.

Your mother is trying to guilt-trip you. It's not because you don't "help" her. That word "help" often leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. Especially when it comes from an ingrate senior whose family does everything for them but they have zero gratitude or even respect.

She isn't upset because you have to basically run her life. She's upset because she isn't running your life. She wants you and your husband at her beck and call and by her side 24/7 and that's not happening. She probably wants to live with you or for you to live with her.
She is bored and instead of getting involved in productive socialization, she gets her socialization by complaining about you to anyone who will listen to solicit pity and attention for her.
This little game is called Instigating. Stop playing her games.

You will probably need to do what I did with my mother for a while. Don't help her in any way. She wants to complain and villify you behind your back telling people that you don't help or do anything for her. So give her a taste of what life would be like if what she says about you was true.

Learn these responses and use them for a while.
Do absolutely nothing for her. The AC isn't working right? Since I don't help or do anything for you, don't call me.
The third TV isn't coming on? Not my problem.
Need someone to bring you to an appointment? Call one of the people you villify me to and see if they'll bring you.
Out of ice cream and panicking about it? Call someone else's husband to go running over with some.

Your mother sounds like an ingrate senior brat who needs a little tough love.
So give her some for her own good.

And most importantly. Please take care of yourself. Covid is no joke and you don't need the stress and anxiety your mother is causing you.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
I love what you said here, Burnt:

"She isn't upset because you have to basically run her life. She's upset because she isn't running your life."
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I know a lot of people like to say "it's not the parent, it is the dementia talking". As if that makes it less hurtful. I don't care what the reasons are, it still hurts.

I agree with another poster...you are doing TOO MUCH for her. Back it off. Only do what is convenient for you to do. She is going to criticize anyway, might as well give her something to complain about.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2023
You are right, Ikdrymom. Dementia being present doesn't make the verbal abuse or villifying less hurtful.

We're all human and when people we love behave badly to us it hurts.
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Being the only child and family for my mother, I did and tried to do everything to help her life be better. To the point of sacrificing my life, my marriage, my work to accommodate her and her needs. BUT, nothing was every enough nor good enough. And nothing ever would be. When I got married to the man who is still my husband 36 years later and who care so much about me and has provided a good life for me - my mother complained I didn't marry 'an "important" executive - even though this man helped pay for SOOO much for my mother to help her out (and she knew it). I'd go over and help her 2x a week- take her grocery shopping, doctor appointments, take her out to lunch, etc etc...and yet, and yet, because I wasn't there 4x a week - I didn't care about her. Nothing, absolutely nothing I/we did made her happy.

I/we finally stopped trying and doing so much. When we used to bring her to our home for the holidays - the Christmas tree wasn't decorated right, the holiday meal wasn't to her liking, she didn't like the Christmas music we played, we didn't dress right to celebrate the holidays, etc....to the point we finally stopped bringing her over for the holidays.

She complained about how 2x week wasn't enough - o.k. every other week it is then. Complaining that hubby and I are going on a weekend getaway and what will happen if something happens to her and she is in the hospital, etc etc....fine - we no longer told her we were going - we just went.

These types of parents wear you down and out. Maybe subconsciously hoping they can wear you down to the point of least resistance so you will give in every time to their demands and wants (not necessarily needs). At some point, for your own sanity and health, you got to back away and step away.
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