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Your boyfriend is also using his mother as an excuse for why he doesn't work. He does not have to take care of her 24/7. She can get some homecare aides and as you said, she can still do for herself as well. Your boyfriend doesn't want to work. If mom's neediness wasn't his excuse to not work, he'd find another one.
This is not a situation you want to be part of unless you want to live a life of supporting your man and always playing second fiddle to his mother.
There are better fish in the sea then have ever been caught, my dear. You are young and should find a boyfriend with less baggage who actually has a job and some prospects in life.
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This mother isn’t thinking about her son’s future. As long as she holds onto him, his girlfriends will always be questioning whether or not to leave him. The smart ones will leave.

His mother doesn’t want her son to be independent. She desires a caregiver and she may want the girlfriend to be a caregiver as well. She doesn’t want him to spend time alone with her because she doesn’t want to lose him to her.

The son could check into resources for his mom. He doesn’t seem to wish independence for her either. Extreme codependency on both sides.
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Yeah, we'll ALL die one day, but hopefully, not at our own hands via a knife and fork.

She'll probably die if she continues eating enough calories to maintain a BMI that = obesity. And that requires daily insulin. And that's caused her to go nearly blind from diabetes. Not because her son isn't taking 24/7 care of her. People like your boyfriend's mother have CAUSED their own health conditions, then pawn off their 'required care' on their sons or daughters, and the government, of course, crying 'victim' that they'll 'die' if they're not looked after continuously, all the while having NOT looked after THEMSELVES to the tune of being THIS ill at 55 years old. So, in reality, who's the real victim here? You and this woman's son. And he's a happy, willing victim who doesn't want to look at the truth of the situation which you are now beginning to do yourself.

Things are highly unlikely to change here. The dysfunctional dynamic between this mother & her son has no room for a girlfriend in it, as you are seeing. At 55, she can live another THREE DECADES, causing herself more & more illness with every passing day by continuing to practice unhealthy habits.

What's best for YOU in this situation? I'd ask myself that question and then take the appropriate action to suit your needs. Your b/f has already made HIS position crystal clear to you.

Think about yourself here and if THIS is the default future YOU want.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@lealonnie

Normally I agree with you and I agree with most of what you say in your comment here.
The part about her causing her own health problems I disagree with. Morbidly obese people are usually food addicts. They need recovery the same way alcoholics, drug addicts, and gamblers do. The son should try to get his mother to try recovery. Start attending OA (Overeater's Anonymous). Get on a medical weight loss plan from the doctor. If he wants to truly help and care for his mother, he would stop enabling her to be active in her food addiction.
They should both get therapy.
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This is a sad situation. Has he ever inquired into resources for the blind in his community?

I am reminded of Ray Charles. He claimed that he owed everything to his mom regarding his success.

He went blind as a child. She allowed him to learn to navigate around the home so he could become an independent adult.

Her attitude was that he was blind, not crippled.
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It sounds to me that your BF is a loving, caring, understanding and responsible person to his mom (diabetic and partially blind), providing all supports to satisfy his mom's physical, safty and emotional needs. However, he can't satitisfy your needs at the same time. You have to make a decision: take all, leave, or somewhere in between.
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I am curious since the Mom in this posting isn't working and neither is her son, who is paying for their housing, groceries, transportation, etc? The son is not old enough to have saved up funds from jobs prior to taking care of his Mom.
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Motel?
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MJ1929 Dec 2022
It's a joke in response to Zippy's comment. Most people of a certain age will get it.
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Are you still living with both of them? In whose house? Hers?

Were you essentially supporting the two of them? How long has this been going on?

You know deep down what to do. Leave him. He's not going to change. She's not going to change.

The only person you can change is yourself. Make that change and move on from this relationship.
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Neith he nor his mother will ever change. If you want something different in life, leave. If you accept you will always be second to his mother, stay. Just know if you stay your relationship will be with him and his mother, never just the two of you.
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He’s made his choice and it’s his mother. Unfortunately, you don’t fit into the picture. I’m sorry that it’s that way, but please believe him and seek companionship elsewhere. There’s no changing this mess, so don’t waste valuable life trying, move on
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Run for your life! Find someone else!
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She won’t die on the day he leaves unless lightning happens to strike her on the same day. She’s only 55. Let your boyfriend stay and crawl into the coffin with her while you do a happy dance elsewhere.
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Another vote for you will never be his priority while she is alive. Do not feel bad or guilty for ending it. Please move on. Maybe you leaving will jolt him to see reality. It's an utterly dysfunctional co-dependent relatioinship. She's treating him like her husband. My MIL did that to all 3 of her sons even during her unhappy second marriage. There's nothing wrong with him wishing to help her and be concerned for her well-being, but what he's doing is enabling her.
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It sounds like he's on the first step of a series of steps that ends in his dressing up in his mom's clothes and stabbing someone in the shower.

Run.
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MJ1929 Dec 2022
I didn't see anything that said the BF owned a motel. 😉
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Your boyfriend is making it loud and clear that his mother will always be his number 1 priority, and you never will be.
Are you willing to be second or third on his list until his mother dies(which could be 20 years or more)? I sure hope not. You deserve so much better. I hope you realize that.
Time to move on and find a real man that will put you first and give you the attention you deserve.
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Your boyfriend is telling you that his mother comes first. That is unhealthy.

Sounds like his mother has "learned helplessness" and I'm assuming that she has manipulated him into this life that he is choosing by threatening death.

My mother is also manipulative and she really worked my brother over while he was alive. He couldn't ever get away from her and I believe that it was at the root of his addiction to alcohol and benzos which took him to his death in 2019.

I wish you the best.
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Time to find another boyfriend.

Poor guy, he's trapped himself into thinking his presence is why his mom is alive, and that might be true to some extent. If she can't see to fill the syringes, then she's not going to take her insulin properly. Blindness is a common issue with diabetes, so that's going to get worse, too. Where will she go when she's blind?

Wish him the best, and move on.
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Ok - assuming this is not a troll -what the situation is, is the OP has:
- boyfriend does NOT work
- boyfriend who lives with his mom in her home
- boyfriend’s priority above all else is his 55 yr old mom

One thing we all are absolutely guaranteed to have happen is that we are going to die. Ideally what you want to do in the interim is lead a life that is personally fulfilling in whatever way that is meaningful for you.

Average life expectancy in US as per CDC is 78.6 years & for Type 1 diabetics it’s 10-12 years lower. So that 55 yr old mom could be around for another dozen years.

So is this the lifestyle that you want for the next decade?
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Tragically this may be the best point in your relationship to make a break.

It is VERY difficult to find the balance point in your situation, but it does seem that your boyfriend isn’t interested in balance.

Be grateful you found this out sooner rather than later.
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