He also continued to pay her rent and expenses after she moved out. We noticed signs of memory issues probably 5 years ago and knew that someday this would be a problem. However, he went in for knee replacement and the dementia accelerated. He could no longer live alone and is now in a nursing home. His ex-wife doesn't speak to us and fully intends to keep control of everything. He can no longer "give" her money voluntarily, but of course she has control of his accounts so I'm sure she is paying all of her expenses. His house sits vacant. I have no idea if she is paying the mortgage, but she hasn't put it up for sale. She will begin getting nursing home bills soon. His salary has now stopped. He does have a retirement account. It is small because she already got half of it in the divorce. Can she still pay her own rent and expenses from his account? He probably has about 2 years of money at the rate of the nursing home expenses and then will be on Medicaid. Do they even care about less than $1000 a month?
And you don't seem to trust her.
Is anyone in the family on good terms with her and can talk to her about what she's doing? She may be POA but she's NOT family, and when dad passes, her POA is null and void. She will at that point, HAVE to show transparency in what she's done, financially, for your dad. In fact, if he stays in care, then she will have to show transparency before he passes.
Sounds like you are trying to get guardianship for him. That's better, if possible. If not, don't start any 'fights' with the ex. Keep on good terms and you'll have the ability to see what she's up to. You have reasons to believe she's not doing right by your dad? Or do you just not like her?
Tread lightly and gently. Hopefully you can get information from her that you need. I wouldn't show my cards and tell her I was trying to get guardianship. If that's what your dad wanted, that's likely what a judge would uphold. You want/need to be on speaking terms with her.
If they see a $1000 a month coming out of his account in her name, it maybe questioned. She is not the Community Spouse. And when Medicaid comes along, Dad could incur penalties.
The house is an exempt asset for Dad when on Medicaid. I may talk to a lawyer. Maybe he can ask for an accounting from her. Also, ask why the house has not gone up for sale. Are bills being paid? That should be coming out of Dads money. And she needs to be told she cannot use it.