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You go to the funeral for closure.

You are NOT overreacting here - you are hurting and confused.

Whether you go to the funeral or not is entirely up to you.

RE: While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.

My sweet Ray lost his faith when he lost his baby back in 1953, she was less than a year old. He couldn't accept a God who would take a baby from him.
The day he was passing, his first wife came for him, his older brother came for him and from the way he was looking all over the ceiling, I would say a host of people showed up to welcome him home. Just FYI, he said, "I know you, you're my first wife" and he called his brother by name. I pray your father too was met and welcomed home.

My father was of the Jewish faith - and I know for fact he saw my mother - she came for him just before he passed. I will always remember the joy I saw on his face when he saw her - he passed minutes later.
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anonymous815183 Dec 2018
We see that which we want to see. I saw my living husband one last time after his death and know it was a vision from inside my head, not from heaven.
In the end, whether to go or not go might be decided at the last second, while standing in front of the funeral facility. That's where the rubber meets the road, as my kids used to say.
It will work itself out and from the sound of it, there will be such a large group there, no one will miss you, unless a viper makes a point of telling on you.
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Overreacting! Have you considered selling tickets?

Don't worry about the estate. As executor, your sister will be obliged by law to follow the directions of the will; and anything your father didn't put in his will, even if he discussed possibilities with you that aren't in it, your father can't have been especially anxious about.

As to the funeral... you must please yourself. If you feel truly affronted on your father's behalf, it might be better not to go. But bearing in mind that funerals are for the living and not the dead, if there are other family members whose feelings you care about then you might be of real help as a source of support and an example of dignity.

I once - under extreme provocation, in my defence - was driven to tell my sister in law that if she did not leave my house I would attack her. (She left. My knuckles are unbroken). So I am a fine one to ask; but what dealings will you have to have in future with someone who saw fit to tell you to "get over" your misgivings about your own father's funeral?
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YsLadyMN Dec 2018
I agree with these sentiments..... do what feels right for you. I'd wonder what he put in writing.... but other people are outside our control. Other than threat of bodily harm response.. lol.

Given the decisions S & SIL have already made, presumably within legal bounds. All you can decide is what you're going to do, which doesn't include changing it without legal proof ir documents.

Mat you find peace somewhere in the drama.
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I am working on the music I want played, and a DVD with photos to display, and I have discussed the service with my minister (Unitarian). My more conventionally religious children don't like that, but will probably go along with it. One thing that seems "de rigueur" these days are a series of testimonials from children and friends. I love my two children but I don't want them speaking at my funeral as our relationship is not close--not antagonistic, but they are more like their father, who I divorced after 10 years of marriage 60 years ago. And my closest friends have died (including my second husband). Probably nothing will be done and my ashes will be flushed down the toilet! But just in case, I want to have something prepared. I have prepaid for the cremation already and I have a spot in my father's family cemetery with a headstone awaiting date of death. They don't have to bury me there, but I trust they will have date of death inscribed on tombstone.

However, the Silas should show up at his father's funeral, as to not be there would be a sign of disrespect for his father, and probably of satisfaction to his sisters.
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anonymous815183 Dec 2018
Good point there, at the end. Non-attendance could be used to justify all kinds of meanness and gossip.
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Like you, Arleeda, I know what I want. My family is far away and no reason for them to show up for a corpse.

Your funeral home will arrange for the headstone work and will bury your ashes, too.

Your church family is your home family and if you write your service, it should be done your way. If it's not, you will be beyond caring. So plan on..........
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Sorry, I think the deceased wishes should be honored. I have already told my daughter's I want no open casket or viewing. Graveside with family is enough. I think by honoring a person's wishes is an act of respect and love. It's not what the family wants but what the person who past wants.
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anonymous815183 Dec 2018
If the departed didn't write it down the way he wanted, obviously there's nothing to be done to achieve that end. The people who tend to take over power will do it their way and if it's not what the departed wanted, it's too late to fix it now. Dad knew who he was naming as executor and it wasn't you, Silas. Having been through this, myself, I'm sure he had a reason for naming your sister and not you as executor. Whatever reason that might be, I leave it to you to figure out.

You are in pain and surely feel cut down and out. But this will pass, and it seems there are two choices: let it go, or get an attorney.

If they plan to spend dad's money for this celebration of death, there might be a way to stop it. If dad didn't leave a will registered in the court house, seems to me and attorney looking things over would be the best course and worth the cost, since plenty of money is at stake. Lawyers don't come cheap, but for multi-millions of dollars, it could be worth it to have representation. The probate court can do only their job, which is being sure probate rules are followed.
Dad is dead, so he won't care about the funeral, but if his estate is to pay for it, and there's something in the will to make the law care, you might want to have legal representation. Then and later.....
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Keep in mind that your father is gone, he does not care any longer - in many respects, funerals are for the living. I'd go and keep the peace. And pray for his soul.
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Just my thoughts here,, but your father is gone.. he has no care left as to what really happens now with a funeral. Funerals are for the living, his family and friends,, who may want to say good bye, see the family. share their memories. Yes you should go, and stay as long as you feel you can. Don't let anger cloud your memories of his life, you may talk to some of his friends who have wonderful memories to share. Maybe your family feels the need to have a funeral to "pay respect" to him? They also loved him, as did his friends.
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Linda22 Dec 2018
At my dad's memorial, one of the most comforting moments was when a co-worker of Dad's told me stories about my dad. There are these unexpected jewel moments.
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For your Dads wishes to be carried out, he should have put it in writing. He could have preplanned with the Funeral home. They would have carried out his wishes. If he wanted to make changes with the trust, then he should have gone back to the lawyer who drew it up. Same with any changes to the will. The Executor will be required to carry out the will to the letter. If not, beneficiaries can sue. The Will will become public so you will know what it says.

Yes, you should attend the funeral but you don't need to attend the luncheon.
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There might be tax benefits to splitting the portfolio the way your sister suggests. Your dad might not have been thinking of taxes as he planned to leave. I can't imagine he'd have said "And give as much of the portfolio to the government in taxes as you can!"

If your dad wrote his preferences for disposition of his body in a will or other legal document, you might be able to at least arrange it so that his remains do not attend the funeral. If he didn't, it's up to his next of kin to decide. (Just saying- sister the in law isn't exactly on the top of that list.)

But I don't think you can prevent someone from putting an obituary in the paper or having a Mass for a dead relative and inviting whoever they like. These rituals really are for the people who survive and it sounds like your SIL wants to make a big "respectful" show of sending him off- whether it reflects any actual respect for him and his beliefs or not. It's for other people to say "Didn't they do a nice job with their dad's funeral?" I don't believe his deathbed conversion story, do you?

My advice to you is to really think how you want to celebrate your dad's life and mark his passing and do that. If the church/Trixie the Temptress/ and watching a bunch of crocodile tears are not what you want to do, I would not go. Your SIL will get over it.

And YOU did not give him a funeral so you kept your promise to him. I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Does the trust name beneficiaries?

Does it specify how much everyone gets?

Most trusts specifically say how it is to be distributed after the inheritance taxes are paid, keeping the stock will not bypass taxes.

If no, you need to engage an attorney and find out how this works. I am sure once it hits probate if all parties are not in agreement the only ones that will win will be the attorneys.

Unfortunately when it is not written down it is really hard to get it implemented. He told me is considered hearsay and is always excluded from legal decisions, however, deathbed testimony is not. Nonsense I know.

I am sorry that this is out of your control and for your loss.

I would not go missing at this point, it will give them ammo, bear through it and get his estate settled, then make the decision if you are done with these people.
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worriedinCali Dec 2018
If dad has a trust which the OP says, there won’t be probate.
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Honestly, I don't think you're really going to be able to do anything about the funeral. The money is probably already spent and plans in full motion. Whether you should attend is really a personal decision. Even if it is just for appearances, and to keep the lines of communication open about the estate, it may be worth attending. You're probably going to have weigh the pros and cons on this one. It may be useful as a fact-finding mission.

It would probably be wise to talk to a Trust and Estate attorney to protect your rights under the Trust. They can also keep pressure on the Trustee to ensure the trust is administered correctly and pursuant to the terms of the Trust.
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jacobsonbob Dec 2018
I agree--if the OP doesn't go to the funeral, it will appear to show a lack of respect to people who attend who don't know the situation described above. If anybody asks, the OP can say very tactfully that "this is more than what Dad had in mind". As you have said, it will be a useful "fact-finding mission". There is the saying "if you're not at the meeting table, then you're on the menu".
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The SIL and sister are certainly in cahoots. The SIL hated my dad when he was alive, and she and my brother rarely saw hime. Now that my dad is dead, she has suddenly inserted herself into the situation in order to "save his soul".

Since the trust documents are not specific when it comes to the funeral, or even the exact way the estate is to be settled, they are using the ambiguity to engage in their own agendas. When I try to explain to them what dad wanted (since I was closest to him, and saw him every other weekend), they won't listen.
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Ahmijoy Dec 2018
This is why I’d get an attorney. We, here can’t possibly guess how this Trust is written and worded. A lawyer needs to see it and decide from there if SIL has any rights at all. You can talk until you’re blue in the face but they will continue to blow you off because THEY think YOU don’t have any rights.
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I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. No, I don’t think you’re over-reacting. By now, if the funeral has already occurred, it’s non-refundable. What a shame. As a Catholic, I’m quite aware of the overblown, day-long ordeals they can be and have attended many of them.

I would enlist the counsel of an attorney. It sounds like SIL is making claims that she has no proof for. She can say that her FIL suddenly changed his mind about a funeral but unless he wrote something down, what proof is there he actually said it? “Come to Jesus” to me doesn’t mean the wish for a big, Catholic funeral,

Are sister and sister in law in “cahoots”? If sister has financial power, it sounds like she is not following Dad’s direction or wishes and that’s why you need an attorney. I’m certain Dad’s direction in his will did not say to his daughter, “My will is just a suggestion. Do what you want.” It also sounds like, from what the ex-girlfriend did, Dad may not been thinking clearly when it came to females and his finances.

Get an attorney, explain what’s going on and see if they can help.
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