Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Has anyone experienced this before? how did it work out? Did your loved one think you abandoned them? Did your loved one still remember you/still love you?
When my wife first started getting bad with Alzheimers, everyone abandoned her, her boss, her colleagues, and her friends. Her adult children were too busy with their lives, so I was her rock. I was there to stay by her side. I was her shadow, but she would softly cry and say she was lonely. She was used to having lots of people around her to talk to and interact with everyday. I was the one true constant though. The one she could come home to every single day and tell me her troubles no matter what happened at work. I knew she needed people around her to socialize with until her condition became so severe that I would have to bring her home to her safe space and again be her rock until the bitter end. So, I put her in a local memory care where she would have others, similar to her condition, to talk to, eat with, and celebrate holidays. Sure, the "experts" told me I should not visit for several weeks. I was having none of that. Should I abandon her in her hour of need? Leave her to deal with all of these strangers, good or bad, without being able to come to my arms and hold her and tell her it was okay? Would you leave a toddler in daycare without coming everyday to give them a big hug and ask them how their day was? She's home with me now. She's safe, content, and no longer cries that she's lonely, and still no one cares, no one visits. The staff at the memory facility have never bothered to call and ask about her, so stay away for a while if you want to, I didn't.
This was recommended two years ago when we moved dad into an assisted-living that included memory care commingled . dad’s Alzheimer’s was at the mid stage where he didn’t really recognize us, but he was aware of his surroundings and he was verbal and still able to get around. He has six children and we refused to stay away, but it wasn’t a big issue once we let it be known to the staff that we were going to be visiting. Sure dad would want to leave with us and he would ask when he was going to go home and where was his car but he would’ve done this anyway if we weren’t there. We did have to tell Little fibs, like his house was being tented for bugs, we had been telling him already for the past month or so that his car was in the shop. He actually thought for the first month that he was in a hotel and he would want to tip the girls at dinner. And he was telling us that it was really a nice place. But eventually, he stopped asking about going home and he settled in fine. I wouldn’t have changed anything with the move in. We didn’t like telling the little white lies , but it was better for him.
Never forget that they are, first and foremost, running a BUSINESS. The individuals working there may be kind and knowledgeable, but they are caring for a great number of people and at the end of the day will do what is most efficient and economical for them. That may include medicating your loved one because he’s “stressed”. I may get flak for saying this, but it’s the truth. Very few facilities are founded because the owner thought “let’s do something wonderful for our aging community”. It’s a business.
On the other side of the equation, your spouse belongs to you and you are committed to one another. Entering a facility is terrifying, and our loved ones are already feeling vulnerable and helpless. Be there as much as you see fit and make it clear to them that you won’t be instructed otherwise. They have no right to tell you such a thing, and it raises the question WHY? What do they intend to do unsupervised? He needs a familiar face, someone who truly cares about him, and a fierce advocate right now. That’s you.
Don't let people here scare you Lisa. My mother lived in a great Memory Care for 3 years and had fabulous caregivers who loved her dearly. Only a DOCTOR can write a prescription for medication to be administered by staff, which was never done w/o MY approval.
I did not stay away for any time when mom went into MC. I wanted to be there for her and so I was. It takes time to acclimate for everyone. It's a new unfamiliar environment, so if you feel strongly about visiting your hubby, do so. The admin make suggestions only.
I don't know what level of dementia your husband is at right now, but if he knows your face and that you're his wife, he'll likely know you when you do go visit. These situations are difficult for all concerned at first, but most folks DO acclimate in time. When I worked as a receptionist at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, wives would come visit their husbands all the time and stay for lunch or watch a movie with them. Most people cannot afford 24/7 care at home, let's face it, so Memory Care becomes a great alternative where the residents also get activities and socialization.
I know that most memory care facilities ask that family members stay away for 1-2 weeks to allow their loved one to acclimate, and I've known many folks that have done just that and their loved one did just fine, and yes they still knew them when they finally came to visit. You have to do what ever you feel is best for all involved. And even if you choose to stay away for a bit, you can always still call the facility to check on him whenever you want. I hope everything works out just fine for both you and your husband.
You can still be a calming presence for your husband even if you’re not living with him. You staying away is helpful for staff, not your husband. Remember, they are medical professionals, not mental health experts. You do whatever feels best, you’re the expert on your relationship.
Do what you think is best. You know him more than anyone. His brain is broken and he may be scared. And yes be there every day if you can. Watch what goes on. It's easier for staff to sedate someone then work with them.
Ensure you are the poa and put in writing that you require approval before any med change, and any med prn be given.
Memory care units are now all corporate owned and they squeeze profits by hiring too few staff and unqualified staff. And it's a hard job. But this is a huge gap in our societal system. The elderly, and babies and animals are the most vulnerable of all. People with dementia can't even say what happened to them, so very vulnerable.
Do what you think is best. And love him and love him. You are his safety blanket.
It is hard for the person with dementia to not want to leave with you. He probably gives them hell after you walk out the door. There will come a day when your husband no longer remembers you. That is because he has dementia, not because you have placed him in a facility for care. They don't want you to stay away permanently, just until he gets acclimated to his new surroundings. Even if you visit him every day, he may not remember you were just there.
There is so much guilt associated with placing someone into care and no matter what we suggest to you, you are going to feel bad because this is a crappy disease and a crappy situation, and you love you husband.
We are on year 16 and my mom does not know who I am, but when I get up to leave she is upset and begs me to stay. It never goes away. My advice is to make the decision you can live with because your husband isn't going to know the difference.
The advice to stay away for a week or two is so that the new resident begins to see and adjust to the 'new normal.' Seeing you right away when he's in a new environment is doubly confusing, not a good thing for folks with dementia. It may sound cruel, but it is just for transitioning. Don't be guilted into going a lot in these early weeks; give husband time to adjust, kind of like immersion therapy, or learning a new language (done best in a country where the language is their native tongue: you pick it up faster because it's all around you!) Find a social worker or mental health counselor to support you in this transition as well; they can help you adapt to the change which will also help your husband. When you are at peace, as much as possible, your husband will be too, as you two develop a different style of partnership.
I did stay away for the first week. My mom had become aggressive towards me prior to going to MC and I did not want to trigger any aggression while she was “adjusting.” That said she is doing well because of the meds, calm environment and great staff. Every situation is different. Good luck and take care of yourself.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I knew she needed people around her to socialize with until her condition became so severe that I would have to bring her home to her safe space and again be her rock until the bitter end.
So, I put her in a local memory care where she would have others, similar to her condition, to talk to, eat with, and celebrate holidays. Sure, the "experts" told me I should not visit for several weeks. I was having none of that. Should I abandon her in her hour of need? Leave her to deal with all of these strangers, good or bad, without being able to come to my arms and hold her and tell her it was okay? Would you leave a toddler in daycare without coming everyday to give them a big hug and ask them how their day was?
She's home with me now. She's safe, content, and no longer cries that she's lonely, and still no one cares, no one visits.
The staff at the memory facility have never bothered to call and ask about her, so stay away for a while if you want to, I didn't.
On the other side of the equation, your spouse belongs to you and you are committed to one another. Entering a facility is terrifying, and our loved ones are already feeling vulnerable and helpless. Be there as much as you see fit and make it clear to them that you won’t be instructed otherwise. They have no right to tell you such a thing, and it raises the question WHY? What do they intend to do unsupervised? He needs a familiar face, someone who truly cares about him, and a fierce advocate right now. That’s you.
I did not stay away for any time when mom went into MC. I wanted to be there for her and so I was. It takes time to acclimate for everyone. It's a new unfamiliar environment, so if you feel strongly about visiting your hubby, do so. The admin make suggestions only.
I don't know what level of dementia your husband is at right now, but if he knows your face and that you're his wife, he'll likely know you when you do go visit. These situations are difficult for all concerned at first, but most folks DO acclimate in time. When I worked as a receptionist at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, wives would come visit their husbands all the time and stay for lunch or watch a movie with them. Most people cannot afford 24/7 care at home, let's face it, so Memory Care becomes a great alternative where the residents also get activities and socialization.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
You have to do what ever you feel is best for all involved. And even if you choose to stay away for a bit, you can always still call the facility to check on him whenever you want.
I hope everything works out just fine for both you and your husband.
Ensure you are the poa and put in writing that you require approval before any med change, and any med prn be given.
Memory care units are now all corporate owned and they squeeze profits by hiring too few staff and unqualified staff. And it's a hard job. But this is a huge gap in our societal system. The elderly, and babies and animals are the most vulnerable of all. People with dementia can't even say what happened to them, so very vulnerable.
Do what you think is best. And love him and love him. You are his safety blanket.
There is so much guilt associated with placing someone into care and no matter what we suggest to you, you are going to feel bad because this is a crappy disease and a crappy situation, and you love you husband.
We are on year 16 and my mom does not know who I am, but when I get up to leave she is upset and begs me to stay. It never goes away. My advice is to make the decision you can live with because your husband isn't going to know the difference.
See All Answers