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My husband is 84 years old.


In 2014 he had a widow maker heart attack and a stint was placed.


In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV


In 2016 he had an Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm and had a stint placed.


In 2017 his prostate cancer moved to the bone


December of 2017 my husband stopped seeing doctors and he stopped taking all medications, against doctors orders. Since that time my husband has been on nothing, not even an aspirin, and no doctors at all.


After quitting all medications my husband seemed like a new man for awhile. He lost a lot of the weight he gained from the meds. His mind was clearing up and he felt great and looked great, UNTIL a few months ago.


He has lost all muscles in his arms, and legs and is nothing but a walking bone.


His eyes are sunken and he is often confused about things just as he was when he was on medications and the reason he stopped taking medications.


His legs are swollen so bad they look like elephant legs, the ankles were the first to explode and now it is the entire leg and feet.


He has shortness of breath now and is so weak that it is hard for him to stand let alone walk. More so than before. He couldn't walk very well before due to his dizziness and bad feet. But now it is due to weakness and dizziness.


He sleeps constantly all day long and has a hard time breathing laying down.


It was bad enough for me to deal with all this back in 2014 when it first began, but now, since he no longer sees a doctor or takes medication I am mentally worn out. Emotionally destroyed and sick to my stomach everyday wondering what today will bring. I find myself crying at the grocery store, washing dishes or alone in my room in the house.


It is hard to just sit here and watch someone die. At least when you go to a doctor, whether you take medicine or not, at least the doctor will tell the patient and the spouse if they are doing better, doing well, doing awful, or if dying how long they have to live. This helps the survivor plan for their future. As bad as the news maybe, at least you know !!!!


I asked my husband how sick do you have to get before you will go see a doctor again? And he says, he's thinking about it, but he never says yes.


So day after day, I watch him deteriorate, and sleep in his easy chair, with labored breathing, and find myself often sitting next to him listening to see if he is breathing at all, or looking for his chest to show some signs of life. What a way to live, having to check to see if your husband is a live or dead every time you enter a room.


I don't understand why he can't just go see a Doctor, get blood work, an EKG, an X-Ray just to find out. But I think he is afraid to find out. And so,


I hate my life. Because I don't have a life and haven't had a life since 2014.


I've seen counselors but they keep assuring me that there is nothing I can do to make my husband see a doctor because he is of sound mind. They sympathize with me, but they can't help me. Nobody can help me. Not a church, or anyone. The only person who can help me is my husband by going to see a doctor and getting himself checked out.


His children don't see him hardly at all, but when they do they tell him that he needs to get off his butt and see a doctor to see how he is medically. But my husband tells them that it is his personal decision.


I'm writing this not because I expect anyone to help me, because nobody can, but I'm writing this to perhaps help someone else who is going through the same thing I am. But then again, I'm wondering how many people stopped seeing a doctor or taking any type of meds at all? I'm curious how many? Especially with everything my husband has? How can he live so long without treatment?


And what is awful about all this is that I find my life now evolves around waiting for him to die. And I've gotten to the point of hoping it will soon. And that makes me more depressed and not very happy with who I am anymore.

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Burnout plain and simple. You and I could be twins although it is my mom I am caring for. Exhausted and emotionally drained, you wake up every day to the same ... Like the movie Groundhog Day. The stress is consuming you and your own health is at stake. Loving someone has nothing to do with it. It is agonizing, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is terrible. Hugging you through cyber space my friend.
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You can not make him go . However; if he did go at 84 they may release him. He has congestive heart failure an at a certain point they tell patients they can’t cure it so the time left they ask how do they wish to proceed.

You described shallow breathing , not being able to walk. And you didn’t mention if he is incontinent. Hospice can come in and give you a hospital bed. And pain meds but sometimes they are not there.

you sound exhausted from caring for him. Though he may not want to go to the doctor what you can do is call 911 have them take him to the hospital and if he demands to go home the caseworker there can say look there is Hospice or a facility that can take care of you. Your wife has been trying and is exhausted.

I think I would contact his children. You need help with him. He is dying just slower then you anticipated and while emotionally it is upsetting it is physically draining you. Unless you want to join him, you need to care for yourself as well.
you are burned out.

I caregived to my father her and I loved him dearly but it wore me out. I refuse to go through it again with my elderly mother there will be no at home dying . Either she will be in the hospital or facility or someone else will be having to do it. Never again. I love my Mom , but I was holding my father as he died from chf and it was a terribly painful way to go not to mention, Hospice company was terrible we had been calling for two days they made it out after he passed away . So never again.
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My heart reaches for you and wants to hug you.
Your husband can accomplish his end of life care with hospice. The process involves assessment and education and input by him and you on what care will be provided. Counselors, social workers, pastoral, and nursing discussions can help him understand that his life is his and only what he approves will be done. And an explaination will help explain that to him. His 'nothing' can be defined. Hospice eval will need to be made by his doctor first. Do call them and get all the information you need to understand the hospice philosophy Fulfilling his wish can be filled with hospice. And the family and loved ones are cared for in the hospice philosophy, so you will not be left out, you will not be left uncared for.
Don't give up and keep reaching out.
Shed your despair here. That's what we are here for. Take what you need of whats said and leave the rest.
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Has anyone actually read al 67 posts?
The OP has understandably moved on, and if she is still reading, I want to apologize on behalf of stressed caregivers everywhere.
Our purpose is to support and not criticize, and especially in such extremely difficult circumstances, where the OP is already burnt out.
So sorry how you were judged and treated poorly.

I think we have another troll.

Pass this hot mess by, damage has been done.
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cwillie Nov 2018
Not a troll I think, rather a lot of people who don't take the time to read the whole thread or consider that so many posts may indicate there is nothing more to say.
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First, I am also in your shoes. My husband is 62 with heart disease, diabetes, skin cancer, kidney failure/transplant and the worst, debilitating chronic pain from neuropathy. He complains about his pain, but won’t follow through on treatments. He’ll go to the doctor but won’t do what they say because of his pain. He just doesn’t want to wake up in the mornings to face another day of the pain. Basically, he is bedridden. We discussed yesterday calling hospice.
This may be an option for you. Hospice can talk to him about his wishes, keep him comfortable etc. I hope you have a caregiver so you can get out on occasion. Stay with a counselor yourself. I go at least once a month just to regroup. Hold onto your faith and pray for direction. Faith at this time is comforting and strengthening. Hang in there.
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"Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

Freddy. If a parent takes prompt action and leaves an abusive marriage thereby separating the children from the abusive parent, the children do not thank him or her. They might have cause to, if truth were known; but if he or she has *successfully* prevented harm, they are far more likely to blame him or her for the loss of the other parent.

You really can't win.

In any case. The OP is not the mother of the children in this man's life. I'm not sure we know what became of that lady.

I agree with you that this is a separate issue from the man's right to choose his own treatments. But true to narcissistic form, the man was not being dignified, he was being pig-headed and needlessly enduring symptoms that have proved simple and painless to treat while his wife wrung her hands at his bedside. Not liking him much, I speculate that I might have been quite tempted to take him at his word and let the pulmonary oedema overwhelm him; and I also agree with you that in the long run this might even have been a comparatively gentle way out. But then I don't love him and I wasn't having to watch him drown very slowly. And most of all, I don't have any responsibility of any sort towards him. The OP has to live with herself about her decisions.

She also has to live with others' judgement. Supposing she had accepted his wishes without challenge, and done nothing. He'd be dead. It would be found at post-mortem - probably at first glance, actually - that he had needed urgent but fairly simple treatment. Why hadn't she summoned help? Her answer: "because he wouldn't let me." Prove it.

What was she to do, get his refusal in writing, signed and witnessed?

She was being manoeuvred into a situation *mined* with fear, grief, shame and blame. Still think she was wrong to protest that it isn't fair on her?
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I got a lot of flak from my earlier message and was told to read the whole story about the abuse, so I did.

I stand by my earlier comment about respecting his decision about how to die. Nevertheless, regarding the abuse you wrote:

"He E-mailed his dad just before John went into the hospital and told him that when you die I hope you rot in hell. Yep!! Unfortunately my husband is reaping what he sowed I'm sad to say, I know how bad he is as a sober man, I can only imagine the things he did when he was an Alcoholic man. Actually I don't have to imagine, his oldest son told me the things he did. (Not incense-I want to make that clear-but pretty bad stuff that a young boy shouldn't have had to face). "

That rang a bell with me as I have been debating all my life whether I should tell the same thing to my own father or never speak to him again since I was old enough to leave home. I chose the latter, but nevertheless hope he is rotting in hell now. He did some things to me as a small child that I swore then I would never forgive and since he never bothered to apologise or ask for forgiveness I have not forgiven him. Nothing he could say or do would ever bring his kids' childhood back-- much less any false apologies.

So regarding your comments about reaping what you sow, if you knew he was abusive and making his kids unhappy why didn't you leave him?

Any mothers (or fathers for that matter since women can also be abusive) out there reading this who are living with an abusive partner, take heed. Kids never forget and in a very few years time will be asking why you did nothing to stop the abuse.

You can't reason with a narcissitic person and they will never change, the only thing to do is to leave or evict them.
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drooney Nov 2018
Leaving an abusive partner/spouse is not as easy as it sounds. This is especially true for a woman with small children. She may not have any support systems. She may lack job skills. There are many reasons that the victim does not stand up to the abuser.
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Dear lady: You should reach out to the Lord; I pray that HE will lift your burdens. My cousin (there are 39 of them)~her husband was in a bad way, healthwise. He chose not to suffer any longer.
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One thing you can do right now, in addition to all the other help you have received here.... When he starts in on you, tell him you are leaving until he can be polite, then go to another room, outside, wherever. As he weakens he won't be able to follow you. If he starts to physically abuse you, call 911 and have him arrested.

Also as a couple of people have suggested, be sure you know where you stand n regard to his money and property.

Also, many many HUGS, no, not just HUGS, great big BEAR HUGS.
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You can have an MD come to the house and perform a hospice-care evaluation. If he qualifies for hospice (and he likely will), they will send nurses to the house who can at least provide palliative and comfort care. Medicare pays for hospice care. It will make both of your lives easier.
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Nancy; please come back and tell us how things are going with you and DH!
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oh dear friend. this is no way to live. I am there with you in a certain extent. My mother moved in with me and is dying and on hospice at home unable to do anything unassisted. She is 88 and bed ridden, blind Since 2014 I have been there at her beckon call. She is end stage Parkinsons, blind, doing the horrible breathing too- I hold my breath every time I enter the room- just like you. It is such a roller coaster. She has dementia and makes me crazy most afternoons when she asks the same thing about 50 times. I feel like a prisoner in my own home because I am honoring what she wants to do. It is so hard and frustrating She is skeletal but under the delusion that she is fine. I feel like it is never ending -to watch her wasting away and sometimes wonder why in the world I am putting myself through this- emotional too. It is awful watching your loved one gasping for air and looking so terrible. It is no sin to wish they were gone- to be free from these diseased and sick bodies.

Mine still takes some meds and has Hospice at home coming out once a week or as needed. Can you get anything like that? or will he refuse?
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My heart goes out to you.I don't know what your beliefs are but the bible says you have earthly body as well as a heavenly body his earthly body is tired.none of us will live on this earth forever thank the lord.Please put your faith in Gods word you will look at this totally different. If my husband could speak with some clarity which he cant due to his condition of Frontotemporal dementia at age 58 and told me he was ready to go home I would let him do what he wanted to because his faith is in the lord .Please don't be depressed pick up your bible.
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smeshque Nov 2018
True encouragement
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I am sorry this is happening. But here is a simple question for YOU. If YOU were living in his body, would you want someone to try to keep you alive? I would hope not as it would be exceedingly cruel. The poor man is very ill and deteriorating and he is not going to get better and he knows it. Please, please - have some compassion and understanding and be there for him but don't deprive him of his wish to find eternal peace. This man has suffered enough. You will get through this once you realize it is his life and his wish and it needs to be honored. Eventually knowing he is at peace will bring peace to you. Good luck.
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Your husband is obviously dying and the only thing a doctor could do is put off the inevitable which would only serve to prolong the suffering for both of you. We all have to die sometime and it seems your husband's time has come and he has clearly decided to decline curative treatment and let nature take it's course. That is a perfectly valid decision considering his situation and should be respected.
Please read and learn about palliative home care!
Now, oh dear poor you, how unfair for him to have all those chronic problems, like he went to the supermarket and bought himself some cancer to secretly enjoy all by himself.
It is not his fault he is so ill. It is not a question of fairness. What if it were the other way around and you yourself had the same conditions as he has now. Would that mean you are being unfair to him?
When you got married it was for better and for worse until death do us depart. So his time has come--men generally die earlier than women because we work so much harder.
But oh no it is so unfair for YOU. YOU are depressed. YOU YOU YOU all YOU can think about is YOUrself. Hubbie is terminally ill how unfair of him. Poor YOU.
All you need to do is a little research on the Internet to know that once prostate cancer is out of the box (reached the bone) there is no cure. A friend of mine died recently of the same condition and he suffered terribly.
So please respect your husband's very sensible decision to get this over with as fast as possible since very clearly he has absolutely no quality of life. I do not know him but I guess he is not at all happy about being dependent and unable to work and provide for everyone. I also guess he wants to pass on soon so he will no longer be a burden on his family.
So please stop feeling so sorry for yourself because life has its ups and downs and the only thing each and everyone of us do, including you, is to die. FAIRNESS has nothing to do with it.
Get him palliative home care and respect his decision.
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ConnieMH71 Nov 2018
Most of what you said would have been very helpful if you had just left out the YOU...paragraph. She needed to just vent, she’s scared to death, feeling helpless and I’m sure depressed from watching her husband slowly dying.
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I am sorry for you loss. I say this because you feel that you have already lost him and are just waiting for it to become official. In the meantime, you want professional input about his condition, so that you know what to do for him and for you. You're right in thinking that he doesn't want to know; he's scared, too. You mentioned that he's tired/weak, not very mobile and deteriorating. Part of his not deciding to make a doctor visit could be the effort involved.
Contact a hospice agency. A medical person will come to your home. There will be conversation, maybe a basic physical to determine his needs. Hospice can keep him at home, while attending to his health; taking a heavy burden off you, mentally and physically. Hospice works with you and the patient, abiding by your wishes. If he doesn't want to go back on meds, he doesn't have to. They provide medical equipment...oxygen to help his breathing, a chair or walker for his mobility, an adjusting bed for his resting comfort and regular nurse/doctor visits to keep you informed of his condition, helpers to manage his needs AND yours. Medicare covers hospice, Medicaid covers even more.
Please, make the call . . . for both of you.
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I sympathize with you totally. This must be very difficult on you and your whole family. I think you are suffering from depression and exhaustion. Along with concern for your husband, remember to take care of yourself as well.

One thing you might want to do, to get an accurate read on your husband's condition, is ask for a hospice evaluation. You could probably get this through his previous doctor. You can call a hospice agency to ask, or call his doctor. It will help you and him understand how close he is to actually dying. This would be helpful to all. I would just have them come. He can agree to hospice care or not later.

The basis of hospice care is that the person is assumed not to be able to recover, is given meds only for pain, and is helped to be as comfortable as possible. You get it free through Medicare usually, and they visit on a regular basis.
The advantage of this to you is that it frees you of some of the worry and responsibility of his "end", and his existence until that time. Hospice can also provide respite care.
It would be interesting to see if he would agree to hospice care.

I also highly recommend that you start doing some things for yourself and not have your life totally depend on his. This is to both help you out of your depression, and prepare for life without your husband. I have dug myself out of depression more than once. The first steps are the hardest, but well worth it. Your symptoms of crying are probably related to depression and fatigue. have you discussed them with your doctor? A mild anti-depressant may be very helpful. You will just feel better, and better able to cope. There are many out there intended for temporary use. Also, just getting some help for YOU will make you feel better.

If your husband can be left for an hour or two at a time, start doing things away from the room he is in, and away from your house. Make tiny commitments and promises to yourself, and keep them. You will feel stronger and more independent. Visit or go to lunch with friends, go to church, even if you don't quite feel like it. Have them pick you up. Let people do things for you. Think of some things you really would like some help with.

The easiest way to do this is step-by-step. If you feel overwhelmed, back up and pare it down til you are comfortable. But not stagnant. This is a way to prepare for when your husband is gone - how you will function, what you will do to maintain a meaningful life. Spend some time with your children as well. Go out with them to do something - a movie, a museum, etc.

In a way, it is selfish for him to stay at home, dwindling away. Do you think he wants you to be so negatively affected by all this?

Does he have his finances, will, etc in order? Have you two talked about his dying, what your plans would be, etc. Have you told him how this is affecting you? Sometimes people think they should not discuss certain things with dying people. When actually, they should.
Try to think about his point of view - would you want to leave the comfort of your own home and go to a strange place to die? It is always harder on the ones left behind.
But we need to think of the ones leaving, too.

There is a possibility that a time estimate on his remaining life may be a "wake up call" for him, and he will opt for some quality at the end of his life. But in the end, it is up to him.

Possibly once he sees he is no longer the center of attention, he will change his mind about "waiting to die". And even if he doesn't, you will be living a life you enjoy much more. A husband and wife have a life together, and a life apart. You just need to figure out where the line is.

Good Luck on all of this. God Bless you all.
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Freddy1960 Nov 2018
HI Penny. Can't believe you said he is being selfish? So he is pretending to have cancer etc. just to be the center of attraction? OMG listen to you all... So after a life of hard work he can't die peacefully at home? He has to be shipped off to a hospice because dying is so unfair of him????
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Death is an experience you shouldn´t go alone. You deserve support for yourself, as well as for your husband. You both need to be in company for the hard moments. Do what you have to do and have peace with your decition. You deserve to feel supported.
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Go to your family doctor and request that hospice be brought in.  They will help you.  My mother died last week and we had brought in hospice. Best thing we could have done because they helped her to not be in pain and yes, it's horrible waiting for them to die, but with hospice it didn't feel like we were doing this by ourselves.  And actually, I think my mother was relieved when hospice came - she would die on her terms without being in pain.  XenaJada is correct in saying get out of the house - it will help even if you're just walking around the block.  Bless your heart, you have been a good wife and everything you're expressing is normal.  It's ok to hope it happens soon - it's most likely not the quality of life either of you wanted, so again, you're normal.  Hugs to you and your family.
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My heart breaks for you. Know that you are deeply and truly loved by the King. I can’t imagine being in your shoes. What courage and strength it must take to be by your husbands side.
In this situation, it seems the only help (and the best help) comes from the Lord. His ways are better than ours.
We are not meant to understand it all. Sometimes all we can do is persevere. Ask him for guidance, strength, rest and peace and you will receive it. Believe it.
I am sure there is no other your husband would love to have by his side than you. :)
The church can help, in the sense that we worship together and pray together. We are the church. I hope you are able to take time each day and rest in his presence and talk to him.
I also am in a situation where I feel like I’m waiting for someone to pass. Boy, is it an awful feeling. The truth is, we just don’t want to see them suffer anymore. It’s ok.
You will be ok, there is another side to this. Praying for you both.
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I don't know if this could help you. My mom was diagnosed at age 62 with lymphoma. She saw her doctors and took her meds. By age 74 she was tired of all the meds and doctors. The way the medication makes you feel takes away from enjoying life. She stopped the treatments. Yes, she got herself back for a while. No more having to stay away from family because they could make her sick. No more feeling bad from medication. Yes, she left us 9 months later, but she told me if she had to do it over she would have never done treatments. It took so many years of living away from her. Sometimes the cure is worse then the disease. I know that is not the same as a spouse. I know that because I just lost my spouse. He had a stroke in 2014, and for over 4 years I became his caregiver, giving up my life for him. I even moved from our home with him in order to get a doctor that understood he wanted to enjoy life, not a medication fog. Best move I ever made, yes he had another stroke, (4 years two months later) not that any doctor can stop the inevitable, but I enjoyed having him back, enjoyed what time we had, and would have taken care of him for years to come.
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Call Hospice today! Disregard what he says about outside help. Once he gets a dose of morphine and ativan he will be much happier. Get him resting comfortably and GET OUT of your house for several hours a day!

Those online lifespan calculators are pretty good. Find one that has a lot of detailed questions.

But I think you already know, he does not have long based upon what you've said. I'd give him a month at best.
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I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better about your husband's care. I can imagine this has been a very difficult time for you. Other people have given you a lot of great advice so I won't say more about that. But did you know that hospice care is a benefit of Medicaire? If you (the patient) has Medicaire A, and I am sure you husband does, you are elligible for total coverage on every asect of end of life care. You don't need Medicare Advantage or any other kind of insurance to be eligible. I thought that this was the case, and when I researched it I see that this is a little known benefit and little utilized. I hope you will begin to make plans for your own future. You deserve this.
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I wish I could be there with you. I have been through this and thanks to getting advice and support here learned as it happened. Hospice is the right way to go.
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I have read thru all of the past answers to your situation and it is time for you to take charge and call hospice. Your husband is not mentally able to make a decision because of his health situation. When your electrolytes, and body functions are out of syn it affects your mind. YOU must make the decisions. Stop looking for the perfect answer. There is NOT one. Do what you think is best. What is going to happen is you are going to have the heart attack and John will be going strong!! Sounds like John has always had control of you. Put on your big girl panties and make a DECISION. I know I sound like a Dutch Uncle but some times we just have to ACT, the more you hesitate the more confused you get. In regard to wishing he would just DIE, pray and ask God for whatever is His will. When the going gets tough the tough gets going! John is confused and doesn't know what he wants. Take charge!! Then have peace with your decision. Hospice will understand they see your situation everyday in others.
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Anonymous. My name is David – I don’t know you but…. I do know you. I am you.
I am 59 & have taken care of  both my parents over the last 8 years. I moved them in with me (I am single) & have cared for them 24/7.
My father had Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s & also had a AAA. He passed “Peacefully” back in 2016 (more about that later.)
My mom suffered a debilitating stroke in 2010. She can barley speak, cant stand or walk, is mostly paralyzed on the left side (Left Hemiplegia) , She can’t express feeling’s or thoughts with a few exception and with incredible effort .
SO I tell you all this to explain “my Understanding” of not only what you are going through but maybe a little of what your husband is going thru.
On paper, My mother looks great Vitals are strong, Blood work is great But she has NO quality of life. She has told me she wants to die consistently over the last 8 years. As difficult as it is for her to express herself, She struggles and puts in great effort to tell me “HER WISHES” . I too often find myself listening to see if she is breathing when she naps or sleeps.  And I have given caregivers INSTRUCTIONS that if they think she is not breathing, DO NOT GO IN AND SEE. Most caregivers will walk in & give a nudge just to see if their breathing or even wake them up. I have had countless discussions with mom to give her the assurance that I will not do ANYTHING to impede her passing but that I can not actively participate in that capacity.
I tell you all this in hopes you will look at it from a different perspective. A perspective that has given me great solace. I’ll make this as clear as I can.
I don’t WANT my mom to pass but I Want her comfortable & at peace. “Comfortable and at Peace to HER is to Die “
If I truly love my mom, & I do, I should, & do, look forward to the day I walk in &  her body is motionless.  
I have rehearsed this scenario several times in my mind & have decided that when this happens, I will pull up a chair, hold her hand & just sit quietly for however long feels right … Just me and my mom.   I’ll cry, I’ll shake, & I’ll be confident that she has finally gottin what she WANTS.  Peace & as she puts it, She will go home (to god) & see her lost family & wait for us.  Now I don’t 100% believe as she does but as time go on, I hope that’s what happens. In either case. She will be at rest.
Re. my father. In the early stages he did his best to stay as active as possible. Walk the dog, play board games & cards etc. continue to socialize with friends & neighbors. Use it or lose it was the motto. As time went on he became as you described your husband. He told me under no uncertain terms, “I am ready to die. I don’t want to see any more doctors. I just want to die. I AM READY” 

So earlier I said (more about this later)
Here’s the Later: For my father , I had called hospice & they came out & provided us with many things to make him more “comfortable” , A lift chair, a hospital bed, Walkers , wheelchairs, Medications to make him Comfortable (not better) When he got so weak that he couldn’t stand or go to the bathroom, They had a nurse come in and stay 24/7 to ease his pain (some will say to help him pass) a few days later he fell asleep & passed within 48 hours.

When the time comes, I will most certainly call them again for my mom.

This may not be exactly what you want to hear as I have the gut feeling you want your husband to get better but at the end you said , and I’ll paraphrase, You feel guilty about waiting for him to die.
My suggestion: Feel Relieved that the time is near for your husband to be at peace.
And most importantly, Enjoy as much as possible the time you have left with him.
It sounds to me he is still there mentally & maybe even emotionally. Make His Remaining Time Enjoyable and Memorable .
And respect his wishes
I promise this will make the days ahead as good as possible for BOTH of you and will also help you in the future knowing you “Honored” your loved ones wishes Selflessly.
All The Best
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Robertlewis Nov 2018
Very well said and beautifully written. Great advice. I lived it through one parent already, and the next ones getting there now.
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If you have not called Hospice..now is the time.
Hospice will help him by being able to relieve pain and manage symptoms.
Hospice will help you with support, understanding, volunteers that can come and sit with him while you get out for a bit of "me time", Chaplains that can (if you want them) can help support you spiritually and Social Workers that can help you navigate any number of things.
Hospice can help you both in preparing the "What's Next"

Personal comment here....
It's not fair.
But I bet as your parents always told you and you probably told your kids.... Life isn't fair.
Sometimes you get Roses sometimes the Manure that the roses need to grow and thrive.
Right now you got the Manure! But so does your Husband.
Everyone should when the time comes be able to say...I've had it, I'm done. I'm Tired.
When my Husband was in the final stages of the Alzheimer's that took his life I did not want him to go..but when I would look at him he, the person in that bed was NOT the man I fell in love with, was not the Loving Husband, Great Dad, Wonderful friend..this was a shell of that once vibrant person. To ask him, to ask God not to take him would have been selfish on my part.
The great thing that you have that I did not....you can talk to your husband and he can respond.
What your husband needs from you is your support of his decision.
He needs to know you will be alright
And as hard as it is he needs you to tell him these things.
It will be difficult but accepting it or not the outcome will be the same. What will be different is the after. For you to accept these things you will begin to heal.
This is not to say the grief will be easy, it isn't but acceptance is a big step.
Hospice can help with all of this.
Thoughts and prayers to you.....
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Yes, I am going through the same thing. Also since 2014. My husband is not as far along as yours and I am all of a sudden very worried about the future. My future. Whether or not I have one.

I understand your mixed emotions.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that I have to live every day with some levity, some fun, some joy.

This requires detaching to a rather large degree.

Easier said than done, I know. But we can do it.
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It doesn't sound like your husband has much longer. Not being listened to and feeling powerless must make it much harder. It's his choice to die as he wishes but you can also take breaks or do whatever makes you feel better and in more control over your fate. You could start planning and laying groundwork for how you'll live after this is finally over.

My neighbor went through this with her husband who was dying of prostate cancer and refused any medical help. He stayed mainly in their bedroom, sleeping more and more until his breathing gradually slowed and he died--it took two or three years. She stayed close by but still kept up with her friends and activities. She didn't seem too rattled by the whole process but that's how she was. He was the type of guy who had messes and incomplete projects like car rehabs and remodels going on throughout their property for 50 years and wouldn't ever let her clean anything up. Once he died she quickly got everything done and cleared away.
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Hospice, now... a good hospice unit will not just take care of your husband's last days, but will ease the burden from you. At least talk to one... try to find a non-profit, you shouldn't have to pay anything, and if there is any cost Medicare should cover it.
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