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You need to accept the fact that your mother in law is the way she is. She has probably never taken care of herself properly and isn’t going to start now. I suggest that you find an adult foster home for her where the state pays people to care for clients who are poor. It sounds like your mother in law has always been poor if she lived in public housing.

the best you can do is to install an alert on the bathroom door and clean up after her as soon as she leaves the bathroom. Berating her and shaming her is only going to make the situation worse.

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/adult-foster-care
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If at 68 she has had strokes, is incontinent and somewhat immobile, she is only going to get worse, because nowadays 68 is not that old. She is over 65 and should qualify for a senior living facility that accepts Medicare. It is up to her, and probably you, to seek this out. It is not the government's responsibility to find housing for people, although a public aging organization is probably available to give advice. The government does provide funds for appropriate living facilities for seniors. Please, for the sake of your basic enjoyment of your life which you deserve, look into separate housing for her. I don't know how old you are, but you must be fairly young, and this is not a selfish thing for you to expect. After the initial effort to find housing for her, you will be glad you did.
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Ugh.

That's my end of the line as far as what I can handle re:Caregiving.

Once a person is no longer aware of, and/or doesn't care about personal hygiene, then it's time to re think living arrangements.

How does she get urine on the walls? I have 8 grandsons and it's pretty apparent to ME how that happens, but with a grown woman? And fecal matter? Is she in there painting with poop? Flinging it around? (again, 8 grandsons, so not much icks me out--but ADULTS doing this.?)

And 3 other people share this bathroom. Completely unnacceptable and not healthy or appropriate. You probably spend many hours a day trying to chase down the smells. Is she urinating in other rooms? Sitting on furniture that is uphoslstered and absorbing the smell? It's likely not just a toileting issue.

My mom has a permanent catheter with an attached bag. Since she cannot 'feel' the urge to urinate, she simply changes the bag twice a day, but 3-4 times a week, the bag kind of 'explodes'. She's saturated all her carpet, her couch, her recliner and her bed. And all her clothes. Even with a Depends on WITH a heavy pad liner, she has accidents. The smell in her apt. is atrocious, too. She is nose blind to it, but everyone else can smell it. She must have 2-3 of those 'auto spritzer' air fresheners, but she doesn't understand that they don't even begin to cover up the smell, they only add to it.

We recently housed a rescue pup for a week and I was losing my mind--poor puppy was getting over Parvo and had raging diarrhea. All over my house. Plus the piddling accidents that puppies have.

I used this stuff undiluted on the spots I KNEW he'd made and diluted it 1/2 and 1/2 for floor mopping.

Stuff is called Rocco and Roxie Stain and Odor Eliminator--I don't know if it's only available online, my daughter gave me the bottle I currently have.

Sprayed on tile and left to soak in for a while, then mopping the whole floor took the smell away 100%. It's specifically for urine, but worked well on feces stains too.

I'd clean the dickens out of that bathroom and keep a diluted spray bottle in the bathroom along with a roll of paper towels for quick clean ups.

As far as mil not showering--no doubt the smells you smell are her unwashed body and urine soaked clothes. You can spray this stuff on clothes or add it to her laundry. If you've dried her clothes, it may have set the urine smell forever, in which case--there's nothing to be done.

And yes, set up hosuehold rules! Don't single her out, make it be the same for all of you--EVERYBODY takes a full body shower 3-4 times a week. EVERYBODY uses the toilet appropriately, etc.

She might do well with a shower aide.

You are a newlywed and dealing with this? OMgosh--you poor woman!! I'm going to tell you to be upfront and deal with MIL straight up--kindly, but firmly. How you treat each other in the first few years sets the tone for all the years that follow.

In fairness to MIL--as we age, and begin taking handfuls of pills :( our urine becomes odd-smelling. Just the aging process does that also. Make sure she does an 'airplane bath' once a day under the wings and under the tail (I read someone else's description of that and it fit the situation perfectly.)

Good Luck. My hat is off to you!!
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jacobsonbob Feb 2021
Your comment about the puppy reminded me of a posting a few years ago in which an elderly woman was having accidents such that rugs had a strong smell of urine. There were a couple dogs in the house, and the caregiver also mentioned that the dogs would sniff the carpet, and then "add their own little 'gifts' " as well! (I can't help laughing as I type this, although I'm certain it was extremely frustrating for the person who posted this.)
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You need help. She isn’t cooperative. You are headed for a disaster. Set some ground rules or you will end up completely miserable.

Of course, I empathize with someone who is having financial difficulties.

I also empathize with caregivers. I was a caregiver to my mom too.

My mom has Parkinson’s disease. She struggles horribly with mobility issues but she bathed regularly.

She had accidents but she wore Poise pads during the day and diapers at night. So I never had a messy bathroom to clean up.

I immediately threw any soiled clothes or sheets into the wash so I never dealt with smells.

It’s exhausting being a caregiver, 24/7 365. I feel for you.

You are going to have a discussion with her. She is young! She could live 20 or more years.

There are senior apartments that are rented according to income. Is she collecting social security? Disability benefits? Was your father in law a vet? Can she collect vet benefits?

Contact a social worker to see what help is available. Where do you live? Are you in the United States?
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Wow sounds like you have a lot on your plate and unfortunately I can totally relate. After many battles mom would just go in the shower run the water and come out dry towels and all. She has the same toilet issues although not as bad with the urine and the feces and no matter how we approached we were always picking on her and wanted her out of our house according to her. We tried reasoning with her but most times it just fell on deaf ears as she was already set on what she was going to do. Oh and not that it helps but at one point she went for almost a month without bathing if you can even imagine that .....
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What other deficits are present? Other than personal hygiene?
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hdh0203 Feb 2021
Memory issues. Health issues, she is unable to go up and down a set of steps.
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Let me ask again. How old is she?

Have you contacted Council on Aging? Is your MIL middle aged or a senior?

Council on Aging will do an assessment and if she qualifies she will have someone to help her bathe, clean her room, prepare light meals, etc.

She may not want you to help her because she is embarrassed. She may receive help from someone else.

Call them. There is usually a waiting list. They may have different rules now due to Covid.

I would call and see if help is available.
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hdh0203 Feb 2021
Shes 68.
I have not.
I will look into that, I had no idea we could even try that. Thanks.
I don't think she will let someone come in to shower her but I can at least tell her if she qualifies.
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So, why do you have your mother AND your MIL living in your home when you're a newlywed? That really seems like a bad decision, especially now that your MIL has extreme hygiene & toileting issues that you were apparently unaware of before inviting her to live with you. Does she suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's? Because such cognitive issues quite often cause many sufferers to refuse to bathe.

Personally, I'd issue the woman an ultimatum: If you want to continue living in this house, you MUST follow these rules: present a list of rules to her. Have a checklist also, and if/when the rules aren't followed 3x, she will need to find alternate living arrangements. Otherwise, your brand new marriage is going to be stressed to the gills and that's a bad thing. House rules need to prevail because structure prevents chaos. Include cleaning the bathroom after EACH use on that checklist, b/c it should not be YOUR job to clean up her feces and urine from the floor & the wall. That is unacceptable!

Wishing you the best of luck setting up lots of house rules FAST!
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hdh0203 Feb 2021
My mother has lived with us for years. No issues at all. She's able to do most things around the home, just needs help managing expenses and time.
My mother in law lost her housing due to budget cuts and our government not caring that she had no place to go. Plus my husband promised her that he would never put her in a home and due to covid and her health issue I agreed that this would be better than a home.
I was aware that she had bathroom issues, incontinence but nothing like this as when I visited her at her apartment, nothing like this was ever-present.
She has many health issues such as having strokes in the past but no diagnosed dementia or Alzheimers.
I am afraid that if I do give her an ultimatum it will create issues with my husband. Also I don't know where she would even find alternate living arrangements not to mention paying for it.
She doesn't even notice when there are fluids on the floor or wall, and does not clean well, but I believe this is due to her CPOD as she tires quickly.
I should also mention that any mention of smells or things needing to be cleaned that are hers, has lead to tears in the past.

I am going to lay down house rules.
Does any one have a chart or list I can borrow or use to plan?
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How old is she? Does she have mobility issues that are preventing her from cleaning herself properly?

Is she embarrassed to ask for an aide to help her bathe?

Why are your mom and mother in law living with you?

It’s a shame that you and your husband have never had any privacy for yourself.
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hdh0203 Feb 2021
Shes going to be 68 in about a month.
She has COPD and a few other health issues so she gets tired very easily.
She flat out refuses help, any kind of help.
Both moms are living with us due to finances and other issues.
I agree. We try to find time alone but it seems like we never can or if we do we get interrupted.
We are both full time students as well, him undergrad, me grad and before covid I worked full time.
I don't know how I will be able to do any of this once I go back to work.
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