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Two things
1. When someone is "actively dying" it sometimes helps for the loved ones to give the individual who is passing permission to go. Often times individuals who are in the dying process hold on because they are worried about their loved ones they are leaving behind.

When my grandmother was dying I laid down in bed next to her and told her that we would all be OK. I let her know I would take care of my dad (her son) and that it was OK for her to go be with her husband. She died within 5 minutes of me telling her this.

2. There is a good booklet called "Gone From My Sight" by Barbara Karnes. This booklet gives a guideline while remembering there is nothing concrete about the dying process. It tells you what you can expect to see from someone who is dying from months before death to weeks, days hours. The booklet can be purchased online for $3.00.
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my2cents Jun 2019
I believe what you say is correct about telling them it's ok. My own experience was my father who was shot in the head. The first time we got to see him, he actually looked sick. Very pale and his face looked like he was upset. Upset doesn't really describe it. Like worried. I begged him to stay. We all did. After talking to the doctors, we learned that, medically, it would take a higher power to save him. They would only allow ICU/Trauma room visitation hours which, to this day, I question because if they didn't expect him to live, why not let the family stay with him. To this day, I have my own belief about allowing a head injury enough time to try to recover. Horrible feeling all these years that we allowed the drs/hosp to push taking him off ventilator and letting it end so quickly. (But that's another story)

Anyway, the next time we were allowed to see him, I said it was ok to go. It is still as clear to me today as it was then - color returned to his face. His jaw relaxed and no longer appeared to be upset, worried, or whatever it was to make him appear tense. Totally relaxed and looked so normal except for the large gauze bandage around his head. After that visit, the ventilator was removed.

From the depths of my soul, I really think he needed us to say it was ok. It was just too painful for him to hear all of us begging him to stay.
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I told my mom, 'Goodbye for now' since our Christian faith tells us that we will be reunited after death. Like you, I just recounted happy times with her. Though she couldn't respond in any way, science tells us that hearing is one of the last senses to shut down so I believe she heard me. I also played comforting music and hymns and read to her from the Bible (those also were a great source of comfort to me).

I know I'll see her again but I sure do miss her dreadfully, every single day.
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No one knows the hour.

I started telling my father right after my mother passed and continued for 7.5 years to tell him that when his time came, I understood and was happy he would be reunited with my mother.

Apologize for any shortcomings - we all have shortcomings. I told my DH for 3 years that one day he would be seeing people that passed years ago and not to be afraid. I told him that while not perfect, I believe I did the best I knew how and apologized for the times I might not have given my all. Every day, many many times a day I reaffirmed my love for him and hugged him until it became too difficult to hug him. But I still tried to hug and give him physical contact.

The day he went into the pre-death coma, he was crying when he told me for the last time that he loved me.

I hope this helps you. Don't waste a precious second that you can still tell Mom how much you love her. Don't dredge up the past if there are any negative things you want to say - you can say them at the graveside later on. For now, reaffirm your love and thank your mother for loving you and caring for you.
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You put into words so many feelings of how losing my mother made me feel also - it’s so very difficult but you will find those wonderful memories will find a way to sustain you in time.
Peace and love to you and to your wonderful mom!
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What a wonderful mother you have been blessed with and what great memories you have.  Hugs to you as you walk this road. 
To answer your question, my sweet Mama died last October at home with my Daddy and myself by her bedside.  The day the hospice nurse came to meet her was when her body seemed to say "OK, I'm in good hands and I can leave this pain."  I got to see her and my Daddy love each other and smile at each other and say words that I will forever hold in my heart.  And then she started letting go.  I told her how much I loved her, what a good Mama she had always been (she always seemed surprise when I told her this over the years because she didn't think she was) and I told her it was ok to go, Daddy and I would be fine.  (I have lived with my parents for the past 6 years due to their health).  The nurse told us she would most likely not be here long, but I think Mama heard that and decided to show us she would go on her timeline!!! LOL  All those days I just kept kissing her face, telling her I loved her and holding her hand.  Now I'm doing the hard work of learning this new norm of just Daddy & myself.  Waves of grief come at the most unexpected times, but between this forum and another one on facebook, I am reminded that I will continue to move forward.  Yep, I'm 60 and the little girl inside of me sometimes gets scared and wants to stomp her feet.  But my Mama gave me so much of her wisdom, laughter, and strength - I carry her with me as I pass her on to my daughter and granddaughters.  Take care of yourself and a very big hug from a North Carolina daughter.
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You did a beautiful job with your post.
This post shows that your Mom did an awesome job at raising a strong, kind woman.
This is the most one can hope when they raise a child. Sure you want your child to be successful, wealthy, have a great job, live in a big house (that they can afford).
But the TRUE measure of a person is what is inside, what others can't see. Kindness, compassion, forgiveness are among many qualities that she help instill in you. Because of that she will always be with you.
Thank her. Tell her that you love her.


I do hope you are getting help from Hospice. They will help her as well as you, take full advantage of what they have to offer.
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I'm sorry for your pain. It is emotionally grueling to say good-bye to someone you have loved your entire life. It seems that each person has to do this in a way that feels right to them. You can get closure in many ways. Examples: You can release your love and pain through prayer or just talking to your Mom even if she can't participate in the conversation. Say everything you need to say. I know what you mean about being a little girl emotionally. And that terrible sense of being alone now. But, you are your Mother's daughter and you will bring her wisdom and heart with you in this life. Love never dies.
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I think you're doing the best thing that you can. Hold her hand and share in her memories and listen, she may remember something that you don't and you'll have another memory to cherish. Sounds like you are caring for your mother and you'll have no regrets when she's gone. My mom just died on May 29 and I miss her but I know that my sister, brother, and I did all we could to take care of her and keep her home. The last time I saw my mom alive was the morning that I went to the beach. I stopped by her house to tell her good bye and I'd see her when I got back I got a call the next morning that she had passed in her sleep. I cried all the way home but I knew she was better off and I did all I could while she was with me. My mom also started having strange dreams about 2 weeks before she died. She dreamed of her parents. She said she saw a car with her mom and dad in it and the car was going up into the clouds. I guess they came to get her. When your mom goes it will be very sad for you but you will be okay.
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I think being with her doing exactly as you’re doing is how you say good bye. I too am going through this now. It’s extremely difficult. When my MIL passed last year the hospice volunteer asked us if we told her it was ok to go. We told her that she didn’t have to hang on anymore. We told her she did her job well and that we would be ok and take care of each other. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I’m in tears as I write this.
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You said it all. It's all about the love you have for her. Our thoughts are with you.
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As to your question, my answer is that you are saying your goodbyes by what you wrote in your heartfelt comment. You are richly blessed in those memories...Some of us do not have such pleasant times to recall.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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DILKimba Jun 2019
That’s what I was thinking too.
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Hugs! She was obviously a very wonderful mother to you for your entire life. What a blessing for you all that you know where she is going, it offers so much peace.
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EnduringLife Jun 2019
Thank you, none of us are perfect, even in our times of error, we can teach and learn.
My mother has taught me a lot through her goodness, kindness, generosity, and yes even in the areas in which she faltered.
She indeed is a wonderful mother. Even through her passing, I am learning.
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I had to step back from hands on caregiving in order to regain my compassion for my mother and I'm still working towards reclaiming my memories of the woman she was before. The end is very hard, even when they are very old and you know it is for the best. (((hugs)))
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EnduringLife Jun 2019
Oh I know exactly what you mean about having to take a step back to regain the compassion.
I had to do that myself many a time.
My mother and I are very similar and very different all in the wrong places for sharing a house! There have been many times I could feel myself lose patience and she the same.
In the end, our love for one another weathers all storms.
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Good evening, Enduringlife,

I am not there yet, but I believe I have been saying goodbye to my mother for years. I wonder if, I too, will have vivid memories of being a little girl with my mother.

This is a beautiful post. I pray you both feel the presence of the Comforter during this time.
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EnduringLife Jun 2019
Thank you, I am grateful for all the prayers we can get.
Having others who can understand what we face, is so comforting.
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Wow, that is a beautiful tribute. I am so sorry for your loss. I did not get to say goodbye to my Dad. So I cannot be helpful there. Someone will have something helpful to say.
I still have my Mom and I love her to the best of my abilities daily as if this one might be the last. As it seems you have done.
I think what you are doing is good. the music, helping her cook, and just being there and loving on her.
Will be praying for you. I can see how wonderful your Mom was through your words and your love for her, and you as her daughter.
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EnduringLife Jun 2019
Thank you.
This is a most difficult time, but I do feel blessed being able to care for her, and share her passing with her.
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