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I didn't see the text about guardianship. I just went through an ugly process myself, petitioning for guardianship, even after three doctors wrote letters that my mother was not competent. (very important to get her diagnosed, if she hasn't been). My brother hired a lawyer and even through he has no evidence and even lives overseas, he still made a lot of trouble and cost my mother a great deal of money. So, I am really sorry to hear that. If she petitions, you need to get a lawyer and counter-petition. What will it come down to? Well, sadly it won't be your excellence of care. It will be what your mother chooses, as supposedly she has competence still until legally decided otherwise. The court will probably assign someone to investigate her care and money situation and may assign her a lawyer. It is very important she tell this lawyer that she wants you to be her caregiver and guardian. You will probably win but it will be stressful. Best of luck!
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I agree with most of what has been said already. However, I WOULD send a tactful e-mail to the sister to the effect of "you could not be bothered with mother when she was in need, despite your living very nearby - so why all of this sudden interest on her welfare?" Her response may reveal her true motives.

Based on what you said, it surely seems that it is "all about the money." It can also be indicative of your sister's "guilt." I have seen this type of behavior as a manifestation of guilt by the sibling who lived closest but could not "deal with" the idea of their aging parent. My brother, the attorney, was totally USELESS in my father's dementia, because he was totally unable to "deal emotionally" with the whole decline thing. I did everything myself, including all of the legal arrangements.

As others have suggested - do send the sister e-mail updates on your mother's health status. But I would leave any mention of money out of it.
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Again and especially, if it is all about the money, get a lawyer to help you draft these responses. You can't know what the reactions will be. If it ever got to court...

You want to be on the right side of the street!
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I think the registered letter is an excellent idea. They can't say the didn't get when they have to sign for it. While email is OK, they can always deny seeing it.

It's horrible that any of us who do/did caregiving have to go through this.

That's why I found the thread about repairing relationships with siblings after the parents are gone so amusing. Why on earth would you want to have contact with anyone who made your life more difficult and abandoned you, when you needed help.

And when the last parent passes, look out, they will be on the scene so fast it will make your head spin. They couldn't be bothered before, but they manage to have time once the elderly parent is no longer alive.
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I have 4 similar siblings, who hardly visit, barely call, send an Xmas card and just sign their name. After over 30 yrs of being totally involved with my folks, and the others so un-involved, the folks are somewhat resigned to the fact that their other kids have made their choice to put their own lives WAY ahead of their extended family. As my parents age, there has been feeble unorganized "mentions" made once in awhile as to "we should have a family reunion" which never gets beyond the talk phase, because when it comes right down to it, they all would much rather do their own vacations. The only time anybody got semi-excited about a joint vacation was when dad found a ski lodge in Colorado and was thinking of renting it out for everyone, but he didn't want to also pay airfare for 5 families and also step-grandchildren, so that fizzled. My point is, if there have been opportunities for your siblings to be active in your mom's life, and they didn't take advantage of them when they lived right near her, well they're not going to suddenly get all involved now. The guardianship thing is really wierd, and IMHO I don't think it will go anywhere. Hope you will post some updates as things develop!
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Thanks to all of you for the terrific advice and support! I wanted to give an update on the sister threatening to file guardianship. I felt, at this point, it was necessary to consult with a trust attorney to make sure I'm handling this correctly. I hated to spend the money but I think it is very important. I met with him and he was great. I learned so much about everything I need to be doing to make sure mom's money and assets are protected. He also contacted my sister by phone. He said he will be her point of contact and offered to make arrangements for my mom to call her. She acknowledged that but of course the main topic of conversation was my mom's estate. She played the victim and never addressed the fact that she chose to neglect my mother for years. He said her main concern was that she was going to get ripped off of any inheritance. He had to keep reminding her that the trust is for my mom's benefit as long as she is alive and no one else gets the money until the time she passes on. She didn't really ask about my mom's health or much of anything about her, it was all about the trust and could she get a copy. She said I had kept secrets and had done everything without her knowledge. Once again blaming me for her choice to stay away. What's funny is, I thought it would really bother me but at this point I really don't care what she thinks and knowing that she has to go through him gives me great relief. After spending several hours with my mom today, doing her hair, taking her to a doctor appointment and tucking her back in to bed when we got home, I realize that is where my focus needs to be and not on this petty junk and drama! I'm glad I found this forum and bless you all.
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Excellent news! Congratulations - you did well.
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It's really good that you brought in the trust attorney this early - so glad you've been able to get this off your mind.
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Your sister sounds narcissistic and perhaps a bit of a sociopath too, judging from the stories and lies she is telling about you, especially wanting a copy of the trust, which she will take straight to a lawyer to see what she can do (my brother did that exactly). Never trust her because she may not give up trying to get her share. So, make sure you are successor trustee for incapacity and death and do not let her bully your mother into signing anything. I would advise to petition for guardianship but after I went through a horrible process with my absent sibling that cost my mother a fortune, I am not so sure it would be worth it. Best of luck!
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Oh, Denver fan,

You are a smartie. You won't regret this move.

Good luck!
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I am so sorry you had to go through the expense to retain the elder care (trust?) attorney, but your sister's behavior leaves you no choice. Continue to put your mom's needs first. You will not regret all you do for your mom. I don't habe muchmoney to do things for m parents, but one tthing I do, is make sure I give them each a big HUG when I see them, and when I have to leave them. HUGS are so important (to my parents) and its just not possible to do it over the phone or in a letter. So hug away!
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denverfan, you did the right thing. I love how the lawyer told her this is no inheritance until your mom passes.

Went through the same exact thing, it is very upsetting to think someone who was raised under the same roof as you could be so evil.

You're a good daughter and you have something she will never have, time with your mom.
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Denver, good move on your part. Sis will not give up, she will try to figure out a way to turn mom against you. Beware.
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Please protect yourself if this woman calls you to harrang or harrass you - tell her you have nothing to say and refer her to the attorney; then hang up! Any letters or correspondence from her to you or your mother should be sent to him; she will be digging her own grave, so-to-speak, since her anger and frustration will no doubt be clear in what she writes or says, as well as the absence in those contacts of any concern whatsoever about your mother and her health issues. Let him handle it; that's what you're paying him for. It will also give him a crystal clear idea who he's dealing with where she's concerned. As a trust attorney, I'm sure he's dealt with many people like her and will know just what to do.
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Great advice from Kathy and irishboy...all great really. You guys are the best! I really don't understand people who only care about what they can get from others.
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ladypamelade, you're absolutely right. Let the lawyer handle it all, that's what he is getting paid for. And he already has "her number"...LOL. His comments to her about there is no inheritance until the elderly parent passes indicates he already knows what she is up to.

The one good thing about the do nothing sibling is they're very transparent to those who work in law firms, or in banks, or in a nursing home. They see right through these types as they know who is doing the caregiving and who isn't.

The sister "showed her hand" to the lawyer.
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You are a great daughter and person!
I like the idea of a brief note - if you have email, write one note and cc everyone so they all get the same thing. But now that I see your update, I want to say I am glad you took action.

My brother had the POT, but he rarely showed his face. He had his secretary jump in to manage everything but that created another problem. I'd been the caregiver for years, but suddenly, they demanded I step aside.

I don't want to go into the story, but please know that you must focus on loving your Mom and taking care of her, and let the attorney deal with the sister. Let go of the hurt and anger. You have to for your own health. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do.
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I would say- talk to them on the phone. Tell them details about her physical day- what she did, what she said, what time things happened, what she ate, what tv she watched. Keep doing that as if you're a little cuckoo yourself. You will have some fun (?) and they might fade away.
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