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I am so sorry for you. I wish the days to be brighter for you. Unfortunately I didn't have by Daddy into old age, as he died at age 50. My late mother surpassed him by 44 years. I will offer up prayer for you, in HIS holy name, Amen.
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Whoever said — in so many words — that “stressed driving is dangerous driving” is spot on.

Holy heck, when I was in the thick of MomGate, I had 2 fender benders in one year. Both my fault; my mind was a million miles away.

And countless other times, I’d catch myself driving like a dipsh*t because “monkey brain” had taken over. 😐

And I was always grousing about Mom’s horrible driving. Ha!
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Dearest MaidenNM,
I am so touched with your journey. Most days, it seems impossible. Many suggested that they will "settle in". Unfortunately, I feel I must tell you that was not the case for my dear parents.
I will tell you what made it better.
Care assistants that were NOT from care assistant agencies. I hired concierge, private individuals, picked by trial and error but it helped. Expensive so just a few visits a week, sometimes one. They were my eyes (I was out-of-state) to let me know about the staff care. Big Help. They played games and talked with parents and ran errands for me. Most of all, they SKYPED us; we stayed connected. It helps that staff knows you get to "see" them.
I insisted on email with the PA or head of nursing, the business manager, the administer, the activity director, the maintenance man, and especially the social worker - and most important, the receptionist. Always speak from the heart and never from angry (unless necessary).
Fax the doctors if problems.
Mom had severe dementia and stayed ready to "go home" every day.
Dad became more frustrated especially when Mom passed.
Oh they played bingo, ate meals with others, were kind to everyone (usually) - but everyday they wanted to go home.
Being dependent is so hard on them. Being the daughter making decisions for the best is hard too. It's hard. Get all the help you can.
Oh, I chose to keep them together. Plus & Minuses, but I do not regret that decision.
I do wish I had kept them at the facility in their home town. They had friends there who probably would have joined them as residents. I moved them to facilities I thought were better staffed and "nicer". Three "nicer" places had their own problems and never became "a new home".
If they had lived in a large town, I would have tried 24x7 home care. But that too is a full time job, for everyone. A lot of coordination with Medicaid & VA.
Speaking of VA. Ask your local American Legion or VFW for a service officer to help you get an EXPEDITED application for A&A to use with Medicaid to be able to pay for those private care assistants. And ask for retroactive pay (that would require a spend down before the end of the month). Which brings up - elder lawyer. Best thing I did for myself was find the best elder lawyer I could to handle Medicaid & VA questions. Not cheap, but you need real answers and real documents from POA, Advanced Directive, MPOA, property protection, POD accounts, etc. etc.
Most of all, take pride in being compassionate, but be kind to yourself.
2 mantras:
Lejeune: "Don't worry about whether this will be easy or difficult, just consider what would be required."
and
If think of caring for your parents as a beloved garden you are tending,
"Worrying is not watering"
Visit here often. These people helped me and my parents for 4 years.
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I once backed into a car at a gas station while trying to figure out how to park where my elderly father would see me when he came out from the convenience store that he insisted on stopping in on way home from doctor's appointment in the city. I would never have gotten into an accident except I'm dealing with trying to think of every thing regarding his needs, his abilities, it was the end of the day and I want to get us home... and I whacked into a guy getting gas at the pump.

Stress brain causes accidents, definitely.
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Maiden,

In a perfect world all our parents would have earned tons of money and stashed away plenty to fund their old age.

This isn’t a perfect world. Some parents can not afford 24 hour care in their home. Let’s be real, not many can. Your first responsibility is your children. You have to work to provide for them and yourself. You have made the decision to place your parents. It appears to be in their best interest. It certainly doesn’t sound like they would be safe at home!

You commented on your parents appearing disheveled. It may be that during this transition time they are refusing help with grooming, dressing, etc. Maybe your Mom insisted on having her pants on backwards. My Mom went thru a time where she insisted on having her jacket on inside out!

I too suggest not visiting too often at first. Your parents are having other visitors that can report to you.

Mom’s nursing Home had a psych service come in to tweak meds. She was never over medicated but they did eventually find a combo that calmed her down. Kinda sounds like this is what your Dad needs.

This is a transitional period. It’s gonna be hard on everybody.

Try to give yourself a break.
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The days continue and we've had better moments, but not without a few situations and a lot of reassuring. Albeit, I've resorted to bending the truth about the situation. I was thinking about what others have mentioned about pulling back and letting the folks think this is all being paid for by insurance and just not getting into the details of what we're tying to work out.
I understand more and more about the dementia that comes with Parkinsons and I thank you for suggestions about talking with doctors and nurses about the meds and we have adjusted them so if he needs them every 4 hours, he gets them. I talked to him about the alarm monitor and reassured him that they are not "tracking" him but instead is our way of ensuring that staff is doing their job and caring for him when he is trying to move about on his own.
They have begun physical therapy with both of them and since they are considering walking home, I suggested to the folks that they get to building up their strength to make the walk!
The biggest hurdle next to this transition is the Medicaid. Their ID's expired and I never noticed. Now trying to get them a state ID (not even a federally compliant one) is near impossible. MVD expects that I should cart them over on a stretcher if that's what it takes to ensure their photo is taken and they sign documents that I don't believe they have the cognitive ability to understand. After showing them document after document, expired ID's for them since 2010 and letters from the nursing home all they did was stare straight ahead straight faced. I bet each and every one of them has a federally compliant ID along with everyone in their family. I shared a flock of middle fingers with each of them as I left. A call to senators and legislators didn't even raise an eyebrow. "I don't understand how this is a federal issue?" said one congressman. Because it's mandated by the federal freakin government because of terrorism and undocumented aliens wandering into our country! Because it's prejudicial to the poor, elderly, homeless, sick and disabled!! Meh, I was just getting worked up.
I cannot dissolve their trust and open a bank account for them without a valid ID. Despite a durable POA. Despite legal advice from an Elder Law attorney.
We are now forced to swoop instead of swerve. The excess money in their trust was spent down by pre-planning their final expenses and keeping records and receipts for every purchase made for them from clothing to comforters to spruce up their room. Should they be denied Medicaid because of their trust which no longer has money above the required resource limit, I will fight and die fighting.
Anger has now taken the place of guilt and this distracted driving many have correctly mentioned has been somewhat alleviated. My son now insists on driving because I made the 100 mile trip home in an hour. I was lucky not to get pulled over. I was lucky I had angels taking the wheel. Really, I was stupid.
Thank you all, truly.
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