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Let me throw my opinion out there. I think as we are all individuals so then all care giving situations are individual. Maybe Doug you did have a smooth flowing time with care giving. If you did I'm happy for you. You are lucky. Unfortunately as others have already said in this forum that is not the norm. But I don't think anyone on here means to be unsupportive. This is just an emotional issue.
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The durable medical equipment is covered under Medicare if it's ordered by a doctor, physical therapist, or hospice. I bought a transfer wheelchair for mom before I knew that. I have no idea if you can get the equipment ordered after the fact and turn in receipts for reimbursement. Thankfully, I waited on her PT assessment to get a walker, because all but $65 was covered, and that was mainly because she wanted it to be pink - custom paint job. Otherwise, the air mattress, hospital bed, leg braces, lift, chair, etc. have been covered. She did pay a copay on Oxygen.
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I just re read my post and I'm very guilty of hacking at you. It serves no purpose and I will behave myself from here on. I really do think sharing your experience is valuable to the forum. But let's debate with respect to each other.
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Doug, I will yield to you the Prince of sacrifice and kindness, and I say that with all snarkyness.

Your story is almost too much to be believed but I will assume it's all true, I have no way, nor the desire to investigate it. But you must understand that it's not realistic for most people to make the sacrifices that you have. You are to be commended, and yes many people do caregiving at home until the very end.

I'm not mean spirited, a bit of a smart a** maybe, but you come off as a braggert about all these amazing caregiving miracles you have achieved and it pisses people off. Most of us are not capable of miracles and will put Mom in a nursing home the first chance we get.

This is far from the first time this issue has been debated here and elsewhere. As snarky as I can be, I appreciate your participation in the debate, you certainly have some experience and knowledge to share and I hope you don't go away with you feathers all ruffled. And your right, we should stop hacking at each other and get back to the question originally posed. Let er Rip......
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Doug, I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt, and I'm sorry that forum members seem to have ended up at cross purposes.

I'm supportive of the OP's keeping her mother at home, since that seems to be going well for her, too. And I am also a former caregiver who kept my mother at home, which is why I am now broke and alone and, since my mother's death, feeling existentially redundant.

But the point being made by the Don't Do It Camp needs to be taken on board: the fact that it *can* be done doesn't make it a good idea, or not necessarily anyway; and what you tend to see on the forum more broadly are countless instances of people who have embarked on caregiving and got themselves into horrific trouble because they underestimated the sacrifices involved.

There are pros and cons in the home or nursing home debate and no one is going to know what's the better choice for an elderly lady they've never met. As it happens, I agree with you that this OP's relatives are bang out of order sticking their noses in with that snotty attitude they've got; but that's not the point. Please have a thought for the dozens, if not hundreds, of possible readers here who are sinking under a burden of care that they really can't manage but feel obliged to continue to carry. Tell them to make more sacrifices and they will, but the outcome could be disastrous for all concerned.
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Well, I'm just wondering how you had the patience to be a caregiver yet in just a few posts you're displaying hostility toward other posters. Patience in high doses is required for caregiving.

But it also helps to have been a home caregiver if you're also a "Health Communications Consultant" and can incorporate your experience into your professional life.

This is your website, right? .healthcommunications/

You present an interesting perspective, but I think what full time caregivers go through on a daily basis is quite different from your situation. It might be interesting for you to take some time and read posts from the people who are at their wits' end from caregiving, whether for a demanding parent, one with dementia, one with mental issues, or one with massive physical issues.

Caregiver burnout seems to be frequent, something which those of us in the trenches understand.

But let's take a look at this differently. This was a successful and rewarding time for you, so perhaps you could share some insights on issues such as these. Help us see how you would handle these situations so we can learn from you.

1. You have siblings who won't help; you're spending nearly all your time caring for someone who is mired in dementia. You listen to the same comments and questions repeatedly. Your loved one won't accept home care, won't cooperate with you, becomes hostile and physically defensive. How would you handle this situation?

2. Your loved one has a hoarding, or at best a collection and retention policy. The house isn't safe, it isn't clean, the heat is set in the 80s during the summer. You have respiratory difficulties from the poor air in the house; that affects your stamina, but your loved one still needs to be transferred from wheelchair to bed to bathroom. You're overworked, overburdened, becoming ill and emotionally challenged. How would you handle that? How do you continue to have the stamina to deal with everything when your own health is deteriorating?

4. Funds between you and your loved one are tight; you can't afford to pay for respite care but you're drowning in responsibilities. What do you do?

5. Your loved one still believes that he or she can do what he/she did 40, 30, 20 or even 10 years ago. She wants to clean house weekly even though she is reliant on a walker and has had a few falls. He wants to mow the lawn, maintain a garden, drive a tractor to work in his garden, but he doesn't remember the difference between a tractor and a lawn mower. Yet he's determined he's going to do these tasks. How would you handle that?

6. Your loved one needs to use oxygen 24/7 but has decided he/she doesn't need it and goes around huffing and puffing. He/she has fallen more than a few times but won't use a cane, walker or rollator. He/she is adamant about not doing what medical professionals advise is necessary. How would you handle this situation?

I look forward to your answers Instead of reacting to other posts, help us understand how you would handle some of these difficult situations. I'm frequently in a quandary and end up frustrated and can always benefit from the experience of someone who can handle situations better than I.
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And apparently you did not read the question that was originally posted. grumpyotter is cut out to be a caregiver and she says everything is going well. she is helping her mom remain living at home. she wanted advice about how to respond to other family members who think her mother would be better off in a nursing home. i gave my advice and shared my personal story and got jumped on and attacked. this isn't a very supportive forum. there are a lot of negative people on here.
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Doug, apparently you don't want to listen to the other side of the coin where not everyone is able or is cut out to be a caregiver.

But I am glad that it had worked successfully for you.
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freqflyer -- You're right! Let's just throw mom in the nursing home and forget about her then. I guess only I alone have the magical power to care for a parent at home. Silly me for making the sacrifices I did in order to be able to do this. And shame on me for expecting that anyone else could pull this off when it is so clear to you and several others that caring for a family member at home either isn't possible or it just isn't worth the work and sacrifice that it takes.

So to grumpyotter who posted the original question: My answer was apparently wrong. The correct answer is to accept that your aunt is right. Your mom would be so much better off if you put her into a nursing home. That way you can live your life and not have to make any sacrifices. Besides, caring for her at home just can't be done. It is impossible. If you try to do it you will ruin your life and it may even kill you. So please don't use me and what I did as a model. Apparently I am a fluke; either that or I don't have as much on my plate as the normal person does, or I somehow managed to pool more resources together than the average person has access to. Nobody else could ever do what I did. So you might as well give up and get your mom into a nursing home asap!
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Doug you are doing some wonderful things in your mom's memory. At the same time, I think you're missing the forest for the trees. I would guess a majority of the caregivers on here are much older than you are. I googled your website and would guess from your pictures you're a young man in his 40s. You still have time to rebuild your portfolio and life. I'm 64. I don't have time to lose half of my 401K and start over again at half of my previous income. I have no children, so I'm it as far as my financial support goes. Others are still supporting children and spouses.

Additionally, your personal/career interests are in line with what you did for your mom. Not everyone shares those interests. I think we all have to respect the choices each of us makes. Plainly and simply, not everyone can do what you did for your mom, You're lucky to have the intelligence, education, and resources to do it. Not everyone else is as blessed and you need to recognize that fact.
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Doug, you said above "All I am saying is that it CAN be done". How?

Doug you never mentioned having a spouse or children... put those into the dynamics and it's a whole different ball game. Same different ball game if the grown child is a senior citizen him/herself with a variety of interesting health issues that can pop up out of no where. Where did that heart attack come from? I broke what? Yikes, cataracts, no wonder it's hard to drive at night?

You will note on the forums there is a lot of reality checks. And I am glad some of the writers are frank about what is going on in their lives.
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Wow Windyridge, you sure are mean spirited. No, I am not rich. But I did leave a good-paying job with full benefits to be able to be a live in caregiver for my mom. She got about $1,100 in Social Security each month and that paid most of the bills for the house (heat, utilities, phone, and food). I paid the property taxes, and covered the Internet, satellite TV and paid for my own food and personal needs. I used my savings and cashed in about 50% of my IRA retirement funds. I hired some personal care workers and relied on other family members and friends to help me, but I did all of my mother's personal cares (bathing, toileting, feeding) myself. I bought her a hospital bed and wheel chair for about $3,800 and also a recliner/lift chair for $1,200. I paid a private nurse $60 a visit to come to our home twice a month. Mom's health insurance and Medicare paid for her medications and for her health care (it just didn't cover any of the home equipment like the bed, chairs or the private nurse, and it didn't cover any of the home care workers I hired). It was a sacrifice and a struggle. This was not easy to do. My mom wanted to stay at home and I did what I needed to do to make that happen. I could have easily shipped her off to a nursing home and visited once a week at first, then once a month, then just on the holidays, and then eventually not at all. I could have kept my good job and traveled and took vacations, enjoyed life. But the real joy in life comes from helping others, and I will never regret the decisions and the sacrifices I made. At my mom's funeral a lot of people told me how lucky she was that she had me there to take care of her. But I always corrected them and said I was the lucky one. Caring for my mom was difficult but it was also a great source of joy.

All I am saying is that it CAN be done, and you don't have to be rich or retired to do it. Its a shame so many people on here are into personal attacks instead of offering support and advice. I answered this question because this person is caring for her mom at home, just like I did, and I wanted to support her efforts. I disagree that only 1% of people would be able to do this.

As for what I am doing now? I started a full time job in January and I make $25,000 a year (about half of what I made at the job i quit to be my mom's caregiver) and i get no benefits. But one of the lessons I learned from this us that money is not everything. I continue to lead a very simple life. In my spare time I do a lot of volunteer work. Twice a week I visit the Alzheimer's Care Unit at a local nursing home and I visit with the resident who never seem to have any family members visiting. I always bring my guitar and do sing a longs, and then I chat with the residents and just spend time with them. last week I brought along dice and a cup and me and three of the male residents spent about an hour shooting dice and laughing and having a good time. I also started a non-profit organization in honor of my mother and I have purchased my mom's house from her estate and on evenings, weekends and overnights I provide free respite care for those who are carting for someone at home. A caregiver can drop their loved one off at my house and I will stay with him or her and provide care if the caregiver needs a break, has an appointment, wants to run errands, go out to dinner, or for any other reason. I am also starting a "Share the Care" program in my county. I want to support people who are caring for a family member at home. We all need more support and resources. Just as you said that home care is not for everyone, nursing home care is not for everyone either. I respect and admire those who choose home care and I want to support them and encourage more people to do it.
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And just as a fun little aside, I just called them to check on pricing, and the base fee is $4800 - $7500 depending on the level of care required, and then anything like phone calls and incontinence supplies are extra.

lol
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I want to thank all of you who provided helpful answers. This morning I had an epiphany. My aunt is having trouble accepting that her beloved older sister will never be better. I think she is grasping at straws in an attempt to deal with those concerns. I am going to keep that in mind as I craft my reply to her. Thanks for the support!
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Doug you are luckt to have friends to help out. Don't have that luxury. I moved to the state mom lives in to help her. Her friends only show up for bdays and xmas noq. Sometimes they leave presents outside the door.nice huh? Even with me here most of the time and having home care she is still going to run out of money and will have to sell the house (those no home no home care) and move to a facility if she outluves her money.
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I loved your comments even if they are off topic CM. There are gems like yours buried in unrelated threads all over the site, I wish there was an easy way to gather them all together into one place.
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GA, your description was vivid and, in my experience anyway, very accurate. Yes indeed, you do end up feeling like an Unperson. And yes indeed, that does go both for elder care and for childcare.

We probably ought to start a different discussion group about this topic - maybe later.

But continuing your theme, in an idle moment yesterday I found myself calculating how "Society" (that nebulous country populated by Average People) values my own various types of expertise and experience. And apparently, based on the relative pay scales that apply, my ability to compose grammatical sentences is more than 120 times more valuable than my ability to provide for the needs of young children and frail elders over sustained periods without giving in to the urge to knock them on the head and bury them in a flower bed.

And that's just the numbers talking. When you also factor in the reactions from other people you describe - the changes in facial expression when they engage you in conversation, the assumptions made about your awareness of world events and so on - Society is if anything even more insulting.

But I don't think the answer can simply be to pay somebody *else* to do that work; because if they are paid what the job is worth in societal terms they will often do it very badly, QED; but if they were - ho ho - paid what it's worth in terms of responsibility then every family in the land would be bankrupt. My conclusion is that we are living with a social model that is not fit for purpose.

And I've wound up so off topic it's ridiculous - apologies, Grumpyotter.
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DougSeubert, you were only 40 when your Mother needed help.... try doing all that caregiving when you are in your 60's and 70's.... huge difference.

Back when I was 40 was I a gym rat, I could hike 20 miles on a weekend, climb ladders with a single bound, was faster than a speeding bullet.... then I hit 65, oh my gosh, what the heck happened. I was in my OWN age decline. If I had to do hands on care at my parent's house [who are in their mid-90's], who would lift ME if I should fall?

I still have a career and I cannot quit.... it wasn't until my parents got into their later years that I realized hey who is going to take care of me since I was never had children? I would need to hire a lot of people to do all those things.

Yes, keeping Mom and Dad at home might work for some people, but not for everyone. For my parents when the time comes that they need another layer or help [right now they are independent in a single family home except for driving] it probably would be Assisted Living otherwise my parents would barricade the door to let any professional come in to help.
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If I gave up my job to care for my mother, it's not violin lessons I'd be giving up. It would be eating, paying my mortgage and little things like that. Also, any hope of retirement, since mom started needing fill time care when I turned 60.

On the brighter side, if she'd be in my care, she would certainly Be Dead By now. I would not have caught any of the 3 bouts of pneumonia she's had, nor the heart block. None of these came with any of the obvious symptoms, just a bit of lethargy. But the fact that there were trained nurses around to alert the doctor or APRN made a big difference.
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Let me take another direction here and address the issue of quitting work to care for an elder, or even a younger family. And I'm speaking from personal experience obviously.

At first there's a relief from the routine, the getting up early to clear the walks of snow in the winter, plodding through bad roads to get to work...same thing over and over throughout cold weather.

There's also a relief from the office politics. No more backstabbing!

Then gradually the relief changes to a kind of nostalgia for the interaction of work, the stimulation of problem solving, the pleasure and rewards of positive work performed (in my case) for clients, the gratitude for a job well done (sometimes rewarded by a nice raise and bonus at the end of the year).

That then segues into a more intense loss of intellectual stimulation and interaction. Sure, I can read stimulating books and get out my old college texts to challenge my mind, but it's not the same as applied stimulation in a problem solving work environment.

Then there's the sense and monotony of being drawn into a regimen of driving, same old routes because there just aren't better ways to get from point a to points b and c, same old traffic patterns (distracted and tailgating drivers, people who run red lights and nearly smash your car), sitting in doctor's waiting rooms, sitting in ER rooms....these substitute for interaction with co-workers.

Instead of providing services, you're on the receiving end, and it's easy to distinguish the manner in which you're now treated. You're a customer, a client, and there's a sense of mentally being kept at bay because you're not an employee at the places you're visiting.

That's when it really sets in that you're no longer in the working world but in a world that's somewhat between two realities, a kind of no-person's limbo. And that's when you really miss working, just being able to interact with people and not worrying about someone's medical issues.
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Doug, yours is an extraordinary story. Are you suggesting everyone should quit their jobs at 40, spend their life savings, and devote their lives to caregiving? You must realize that is not realistic for 99 per cent of the population. You are either an exceptional person or a very rich one or both perhaps.

I don't disagree that elders should be care for at home if possible, but in this country the system is not set up to help families achieve this. So what is your deal? You still retired and full time caregiving? What are you and Mom living on? You have a large trust fund?
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If I were you my initial reaction would be to go round to your aunt's house, ring her doorbell and poke her in the eye. I wouldn't do it, of course, but my goodness I would want to.

I needed to think what it was about her tone that got right up my nose. And I think it's the combination of patronising and superior, coming from someone who is not constantly in the company of your mother but is nevertheless entirely confident that she understands her needs better, that did it.

I'm delighted that their friend did so well in a nursing home. Good for her.

I'm sure that your mother does tell her that she doesn't do much, and that your aunt perceives this as a problem.

But it's not as though you haven't considered the alternatives, is it. I assume your aunt is aware of the failed experiments?

So you're supposed to think "my, this place sounds wonderful! How marvellous it would be for mother's quality of life! Never mind mother's known personal preferences, resistance to regimentation, attachment to her familiar surroundings and all that - let's give it a whirl! Thanks auntie! You're a life saver."

Then there's the sly implication that you, Ms Dogsbody, have learned nothing about the spiritual, emotional and intellectual aspects of dementia care. Hey, as far as you're concerned as long as the old gal's clean, fed and watered everything is dandy, right? (No, didn't think so).

Sorry I'm just too cross to be helpful. ***Bloody*** woman. I'm not surprised she ruined your day, she's ruined my evening and she's not even my problem. I'll come back when I've calmed down a bit.
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GardenArtist -- it was pretty easy to find musicians to come to our house. I suggest you check with your local senior community center, or try the local hospice program (they often have volunteers who do music and event pet therapy). I like your idea of the beach party/picnic. We had 2 neighborhood parties at our house last year and had music and food and my mom really enjoyed visiting with the people who came. I did music therapy with my mom everyday while I was caring for her. Now I do music therapy in people's homes and I visit nursing homes and attend "memory cafes" in my community and help with music and other activities.
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The falls data is out there. I did a research project on falls among the elderly for graduate school, and using IDC-10 codes you can classify falls data by location (where the fall happened) and compare falls in nursing homes, hospitals, etc. Despite mandatory reporting, all falls that occur in nursing homes are not reported. Only the falls that are witnessed and result in the need for medical attention get reported.Even if you compare falls at home and falls that occur in a nursing home and look at what % result in ED visits or hospitalizations you'll learn very quickly that more falls occur in nursing homes, especially when you search ages 65 and over; and you can even cross reference for diagnosis of dementia.

It has nothing to do with guilt. I was simply stating some facts and sharing my personal experience to support the person who posted this question. She wanted advice on how to stop the passive-aggressive pressures to put her mom in a nursing home. I gave her several reasons why caring for her mom is better than institutionalized care.

I was only 40 (not retired) when I quit my job and it was a sacrifice. I spent all of my savings and most of my retirement to be able to care for my mom at home. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Sometimes you need to give up violin lessons for a while.

For another research project I compared home care rates, attitudes, and beliefs among different countries and cultures. Here in the USA we are very quick to put our parents in nursing homes. We could learn a lot about the health care system in other countries like Japan, where elders are treated with more reverence and respect and they are cared for by their families.

We should be supporting people who want to care for families members at home instead of trying to rationalize why institutional care for our elderly should be the preferred option.
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Realistically, it shouldn't be an either/or situation. More knowledge of resources for home care would be helpful, so caregivers know how to implement and plan as Doug has done. Support groups really need to be more plentiful as well.

And BTW, Doug, I love the idea of an accordion player at home. I'm going to check on that and see if there are any local groups that might do that. I might even make it a neighborhood event - have someone to entertain at the local beach, invite the neighbors, and have a neighborhood picnic party.

I also think having more programs such as the Alzheimers Assn. sponsored would help - other than forums and support groups, it's not as if caregivers have a lot of places to turn for help.

But I also think that someone with funds to be creative could create man caves in AL, IL and LTC facilities. They don't need to have a fully stocked workshop, maybe just a few projects here and there that woodworkers could sand, fit, or in some other ways putter around the shop. I was thinking of a finishing shop where woodworking trainees could come to share knowledge and stories with elders. The young ones could do the cutting and fitting, and bring the nearly finished projects for elders to help with.

Same with activities for women; There are ways of making quilts that could be managed by those with dementia, and are in some ways easier than beading and less boring than bingo.

I also firmly believe that adaptive gardening has a major role to play as well.

But wouldn't it be great if Lowes or Home Depot had a little satellite store with demonstrations on things men could do while in a care facility? Might be unrealistic, but think what a draw it would be.
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Doug Seubert - I have to take issue with some of your blanket statements and what comes across as a guilt trip. Home care is not always the best kind of care. It's great you could do that for your mom, but there are so many ways that won't be true for others.

I don't believe fall rates are higher in a NH than at home. Home care does not have mandated fall reporting like a facility does, so comparing the two is a red herring. Home based falls could be the same or greater - nobody can know at this point. I can say that the staff where my mom is are trained on fall prevention, and they do a lot of preventive measures to avoid fall situations.

A lot of nice facilities take Medicaid and you aren't forced to move. It has no bearing whatsoever on the care standard for the patient. It's up to the person looking into whatever senior residence is needed to make sure they will take Medicaid when the time comes. It's part of due diligence before signing up.

Assisted living will not keep someone in the advanced stages of dementia, or if the person requires 24/7 supervision and skilled nursing, because that's not assisted living. Assisted living isn't the same as a dementia care/memory care facility. To place your loved one in the right kind of facility to start with, it's important to understand what each kind will & won't do. Make sure the facility can handle advancing needs, or yes, there will be a move required into somewhere else. Care occurs on a continuum, and not every place is a nursing home. You have to do your homework in advance.
It sounds like you had a pretty ideal setup, and that's great. You were lucky and very fortunate. That will not be true for everyone who comes here looking for help and options.

Nobody offered to take over my bills when my mom got to be unsafe on her own. Nobody offered to contribute to my retirement account so I could stop working. Nobody offered to pay for my health & dental benefits, car insurance, gas, food, piano & violin lessons or orthodontist for my kids either. Not everybody in caregiving is retired and can uproot to move in with their aging parent for 10, 15, or more years depending on what kind of dementia is involved.

Some of us have had parents with dementia and very wild, violent behaviors that I would have never been able to control in my own home simply due to my lack of size & strength. I wouldn't dream of putting my family in that kind of risk for harm. Nor would I expect my teenagers & family to give up our home to convert it to full time dementia care. That would be disastrously unfair to them. Home is our sanctuary away from the world.

Saying one choice is better than another is very narrow in perspective. Each family has to make this determination on their own based on their own situation, research, and visits to local facilities to understand the options.
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What scares me is that 40% [up from the 30% we had been reading about] of caregivers die while taking care of a loved one. Those are not good odds, even back when it was 30%.
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I believe keeping a loved one in their home as long as possible is the best option. As long as you are there to provide 24/7 care and you get outside assistance (home care, hospice, visiting nurse, etc.). Nursing homes have their advantages and disadvantages: yes you can get skilled nursing care and medications management; but the quality of care is not as good as what you provide for your mother. There is a higher risk of communicable disease in a nursing home and although they use bed and chair alarms as part of their fall prevention strategy, residents fall more often there than they do at home. Assisted living is another option, but you would really need to find out if they would provide the level of care your mom needs. Most assisted living facilities provide meals, but many do not help a resident who cannot feed herself. Both nursing homes and assisted living facilities are expensive. If you can afford to pay for it you need to be aware that should your mom’s resources run out and she is placed on a Medicaid waiver program to pay for long term care, she could be forced to move to a facility that accepts public funding (Stoney River assisted living in Marshfield, WI just kicked out 17 residents when they could no longer afford to live there). Home care, delivered by family caregivers, is by far the best option for caring for a parent with dementia. I was able to keep my mom in her home for 7 years after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease; the last four of those years I provided 24/7 care for her (I quit my job and never regretted that decision). Other family members helped out when they could. I didn’t make myself do it all on my own. I got help. I personal care workers from a local home health agency and used them for respite so I could leave the house twice a week. I called mom’s friends and had them over for visits, I had a man come twice a month to play his accordion, I contacted her church and had the pastor come visit and some ladies from the church came once a month; and I made sure mom could watch religious programs on Sunday mornings if she wanted to. I always asked anyone who was sick or around someone who was sick not to visit until they were feeling better. Even though my mom couldn’t walk anymore I made sure I got her up and out of bed every day. When it was nice we sat outside or I pushed her in her wheelchair for a walk or to go to the store. We did activities every day: arts and crafts, puzzles, games, exercise, and we did lots and lots of singing. My mom was happy being at home and I know I was able to give her better care than she would ever get even at the highest priced assisted living facility. If none of this convinces your family that keeping your mom at home is the best option, just have them Google “dementia patients live longer when families delay putting them in a nursing home” and that should be all the evidence they need!
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Sorry GrumpyOtter. Other people are going to have opinions no matter what you do. That's part of the game with caregiving. You have to learn to let it roll off your back because they are not going to stop.

I had the opposite problem. I put my mom into residential care due to her extreme behavioral problems. Her side of the family just could not come to grips with it despite the fact that 2/3 of them never lifted a finger to help her stay. The other 1/3 that tried to help her became to frail and ill, and has died recently.

My mom didn't want to go into a facility ever. She swore (quite loudly) that she was never going to leave her home other than in a pine box. Well, things didn't work out that way. I was not in a position to leave everything and move in with her, so I'm grateful there are other choices for us.

Mom is getting far better care than I could provide by myself. There is a trained staff there who can move her with a lift, bathe her, ensure she gets the right meds, and deal with anything around the clock. This is a huge anxiety reducer for me. The activities don't apply to her so much because she acts out in groups, and that's OK.

They have compromised on the strict schedule for her, as much as they can while still making sure she gets her meds as prescribed, with food. I can also say she listens better to them than she ever would for me, so it's a better dynamic in place than me trying to get her to comply with anything.

Yes, there was a period of adjustment. My friend the social worker said that it takes months for seniors to adjust. Add more time if they are farther into dementia. The adaptation period is not less than 4-6 months, but facilities have their ways of dealing with it - buddies, volunteers, making sure the person is included. You have to be patient and trust the process.

Some people can do home care the entire time and are blessed by doing it. I won't judge anyone's choices as long as the senior being taken care of isn't left to passively watch tv, fight with carers, and everyone concerned is under too much stress and in crisis.
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Thank you Maggie Marshall xxoo. I believe we have a lexington close to me in Lombard. Mom won't do that one. She knew someone's fil who was there and she said the one in lombard was bad. Course she says the one here in wheaton is bad and they're the one that won't take Medicaid and you have to have $200,000 in liquid assests not counting car and home AND some of the residents thete have local celebs. But she was there for rehab and it's "bad" smh.
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