Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
The care navigator came and wants me to do x y and z but I think she now knows that while I talk a good talk I am incapable of helping myself right now. It's like time has stopped for me. She knows I don't like my mother, she can't understand that, so I spelled it out for her...how do you ever like someone once you know they knew you were being abused at 8 years old and did nothing to stop it? We came to an impasse!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Curtains done Mum has done unholy things while I gave her a bed bath (requiring a second bed bath after I had cleaned the first one up!) And the care navigator? Well no show at the moment - just 1hr 15 late and counting - d*mn me if she had come on time she would have seen what I am dealing with (and if she didnt see it....well unless someone broke her nose ....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Care navigator, my eye. Who comes up with these cutesy job titles I'd like to know?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What's with the curtains, Jude? Priorities, girl, priorities!

And by the way, half-decent does not include seamstressing. I'd call that above and beyond in fact; isn't there a friendly neighbourhood dry cleaner in your neck of the woods? They can usually manage basic repairs and alterations. They might even collect and deliver, too.

Sort of behind her hand, my favourite district nurse murmured something about Marie Curie offering overnight visits (clearly not just for oncology patients, then) - it came too late so I didn't follow it up but you might like to? Whatever it takes to get you some uninterrupted sleep, please. Hugs x
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks peeps as you can see I am a bit all over the place - yes they rescheduled but in the meantime they rang to do a meds review on Mum BY PHONE. I forgot to tell you all that bit. Mum has sleeping meds because she is just constantly ringing her buzzer and I get no sleep. Well the first lot weren't enough so they doubled the minimal strength: fabulous for about 6 weeks then she started waking through them but was so damned dopey she was a real risk of falling - both for her and for me. The reviewer said that's OK we will take her off them! WHAAAAAAAT OK so I now have serious sleepless nights to look forward to as well - isnt that just jolly?

We have a care navigator coming tomorrow though - she is the one who is supposed to steer us through the maze.....Just one thought - if it wasn't such a bloody maze would we need a navigator. If everyone did their job on time and to a decent (I WOULD SETTLE FOR HALF DECENT) standard we would all be so much better off!

I am going to try to get some sleep now before Mum wakes and asks if I have taken up the curtains - well yes I have but only pinned them the sewing comes tomorrow.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

((((((hugs))))) - no consideration at all. Look after you!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oh you lot are wonderful - its me that is losing the plot but there is a plus in all this - I do know I am losing it. Well I eventually slept last night (after the OCD took hold and I disinfected the entire flat from top to bottom so the case worker could see I was still managing (which Im not!!! yeah OK OK I know)) So this morning came and I got a text saying my appointment had been cancelled but they would be in touch,

That truly confirms to me that no-one gives a £$%^& about carers other than that they work to save the government spending any money on elderly people - why dont they just stand up and say the elderly cost us too much.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dear Jude,
I see your post is two days old as are the answers but thanks to A/C or my computer I have only just seen it this morning.
I am trying to find something helpful to say. You loved and still love your father but I don't believe he had any idea of what he was asking of you or what his wife would turn out to be like as she aged.
Do you need his permission to do what needs to be done? You have previously written that there is no love between you and your mother, so is the only thing that keeps you chained to her is OBLIGATION, the right thing to do.
You have also said that you have no religious beliefs so suggesting you pray about it would be for you to send an internet rock through my window.
Do you have anything that belonged to him? Some way you need to ask him to release you from that promise. Find a quiet place and take that object, hold it close to your face and tune into him and ask him what he wants you to do.
I know you don't believe in all this mumbo jumbo but I have tried this several times and it worked for me. Maybe you could ask her church to send a volunteer to help get her in the car and take her to church. Stay in the car out side or better yet wander into the churchyard where you won't feel Mum's influence and try to get an answer from your Dad. it is either that or wait for two men in white coats to take you away then you will have no say in what happens to Mum.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

PD - please let us know how the consultation went. I feel for you - you have done a wonderful job caring for your mom. If she loses you - who will continue to advocate for her? I think you know you have come to the point where you are going to drown unless you loosen the grip she has around your neck. Get her into a nice place where she has 7x24 care and continue to be the strong daughter making sure she is cared for.

I've liked your posts and poems over the years on this site - you have really helped others with advice and humor. I'm praying that you are able to make this next step & take care of YOU. God bless you!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Have you read this AC article from 2015? https://www.agingcare.com/articles/i-promised-my-parents-i-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm (copy and paste since AC no longer supports url references, grrrh) You might find it reassuring.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Phoenix, you know that you have kept your mother safe and at home far longer than many would have been able to. Your father wanted you to care for her, not to be eaten alive by her. If you pass on, she will be in care with NO ONE to advocate for her. Help her to the safe place your father wanted. Take care of you both or none will.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

(((((((jude)))))) there comes a time to make a change. I think you are there. You are doing an admirable job at great cost to yourself. I think it is time to consider your needs. You have paid your dues. Your mum will be fine in a facility and will have other people to torment. You need to do what you have to do to survive. Your life is important too. Love, hugs and prayers
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Over here anyone who has spent time in the system knows that healthcare is so expensive because too many managers are busy making up tasks that justify their positions. Note, whenever there are healthcare cuts it is from the bottom of the pile, the front line workers, the higher up the chain you go the more secure your job.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Just to update you all I have a mental health worker coming tomorrow but in the meantime this is the sort of thing that stresses me right out:

I get a text message saying I have a doctors appointment...odd I didn't book one so I rang them - Bear in mind this is the UK and we like to waste money!

She said oh you need to bring your mum up to the surgery for a dementia review. I said I cant get her into my car any more so I am afraid I cant bring her

Oh well we will have to send out an assessor to make sure she is too disabled to get in your car! NOW I CAN FEEL THE TEMPERATURE RISING ...IN A BIG WAY

I said its not the issue that she can't get in the car but that I cannot get her in on my own.

Could your husband help? Not from the grave no - he would find it quite difficult and OK OK I shouldn't have been rude but really?

Fair enough she did accept she had overstepped the mark but then she apologised for her next comment before she even made it.

Well I am afraid we have to send an assessor out because we can sometimes show you how to get your mum into the car. INTERNAL RAGE SETTING IN

Could I speak to your manager please because I know you are not to blame for this and I want to direct it to the right person.

Manager comes to the phone (and regretted doing so in less than a minute) as I say. Could you please tell me why, when you have sent the certification that my mother is disabled to various doctors and social workers; why when you can see she has had dementia for several years and is on quite high doses of medication for it; why when you can see she is 94 and has been in hospital twice in the last 4 weeks for falls due to TIAS do you think she needs an assessment to tell someone that I am not prepared to risk MY HEALTH and MY SAFETY getting her into the car.

Oh its policy! DONT GO THERE IT MIGHT BE POLICY BUT ITS A WASTE OF BLOODY MONEY
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

You have all been really kind and generous of thought here and of course I am now blubbering like a baby but I will take time to take it all on board and talk with someone this week...the outcome I am not sure of ....but I will start the process or at least try to
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

PD, I completely understand your dilemma, and wish I knew the answer, but I'm quite certain you already do, but are paralyzed to act upon it, as am I, thus we drag our feet on this same decision.

The dreaded Promise! My husband promised his Dad he would never Put him into a Nursing home, and 13 years in, we are at that very place to make the decision to do so. And while our complaints are different, as we don't have the "lack of sleep issues yet, putting our lives on hold, only to watch him decline in a recliner, day after day, year after year, and for what? We are down to " It's simply not fair", him expecting us to continue to do this, and should have taken steps a long time ago!

We all have a right, to enjoy our lives, and shouldn't be held hostage by a Promise that you know and I know isn't worth it's weight in water!

It's the FOG, the is getting to you, and yes, you will soon be sick from adhering to this guilt or unfair commitment to her, that is causing such a physical and emotional toll on you.

Your smart girl, but you keep thinking that her time here on earth is Probably coming to an end, that you can tough it out, but it just isn't necessarily so! It could be years yet, and are you prepared to make that commitment, going forward as you have done? I'm not, I'm done, but I have to honor my husband, and allow him to come to his own conclusion, and together we will find him the right place.

I so wish you had other to lean on a bit more, as like me, you are not willing to put this burden onto the backs of your children, as they have very busy lives of their own. You have undoubtedly made sure that You will never wish to be a burden to your own children for this very reason, and your kids adore you!

The one thing that you can lean on, in answering your own question, is that you have had your Mom in Respite care in the past, and probably know that she will ultimately adjust given no other option, and you know that your commitment to her will not end, just because she is placed into a Nursing home setting! You will continue to be their for her, but in a more rested and healthy way.

You know that you need to come to a decision at some point, as things cannot continue as they are! So if there are No medications that will correct this problem, no money available, or a government paid Night Nurse or Aide to cover her nighttime care, allowing you some much needed sleep, now and every night going forward, you are in an ticking time bomb situation, where something is going to happen, To You! And then where will she be?

My Dear Friend, take the steps to find her a nice Nursing home, and get out from under all this pressure from caregiving, it's time! It will all work out. You will never stop advocating for her, caring for her, loving her.

I'm sure your Dad would be Proud of You. He never completely understood the burden he placed on your shoulders. No one could have. Be free!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Jude, from everything you've ever written here, your mom's consultant GP sounds like an eminently practical and stand up guy. If you call him and tell him you're having a breakdown, he will come through for you, I feel sure of it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

PD, I know what you're saying. It's like being out in the wilderness somewhere with this person who has become someone not very likable. It always amazes me when someone loses their sense of us as a person. My mother thinks nothing of waking me up in the wee hours for some trivial something. She can get pretty nasty if I don't get up right then to take care of it. It makes me wish I could just disappear, so I related to what Barb wrote.

People are generally pretty kind. "Yep, you're out there in the wilderness, aren't ya? Your mother is so lucky to have you." Then they say good bye and maybe show up again in a year.

It's enough to get us depressed when we realize that people around us are such stinkers.

I don't think you should consider the promise made to your father. Even he had to ultimately put his parents in the hospital. The main thing to consider is how to get your mother to agree to go. Forcing her to go would make things so difficult. I wish you had a backup person -- I wish we all did! They could take over for a while so you could get things arranged.

I hope there is a good life out there when this is all over. I think we've earned it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Your dad should never have asked you to make that promise to him. It was unfair. Even the best parents are not perfect and make mistakes. Asking you to promise to keep your mother out of a nursing home was a mistake. If he saw how caring for your mother was affecting you, I believe he would reconsider and let you out of your promise. Your dad was a loving parent and he would want you, his daughter, to be there for your kids. If he saw how caring for your mother was affecting his grandchildren - and risking their mother's life - I believe he would not want you to put yourself in that situation.

That said, you are sleep deprived. You already acknowledge the primary side effect of sleep deprivation, which is impaired judgment. Other side effects include reduced ability to retain information, accidents including fatal car crashes, and injury. The effects on your health of not getting enough sleep night after night include increased risk for diabetes, heart disease, and even death.

You have children. If you have to choose between their wellbeing and the irrational promise you made to your dad, which are you going to pick? In this case it's not enough to say you will choose your kids. You must act. And from the sound of things, you must act quickly.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Jude, I'm so sorry you've gotten to this spot. The spot where you're too tired to think straight. I've been there.

Many years ago ( my eldest will be 37 next Shabbat, so gives you an idea)...when my girls, who are 20 months apart, we're 2 and newborn, i got myself totally exhausted, pushing myself with their care, bookkeeping for my husband's business and trying to keep a 3 bedroom house clean. Husband was, had been verbally and physically abusive. HIS mom had two kids inside of 11 months, and SHE never complained, according to him.

I went to my 6 week postpartum check up and my doctor seemed concerned, but I laughed off his suggestion that I needed rest and help. Fast forward two weeks, a day after my daughter's 2nd birthday party (huge family gathering for which I did all the cooking,etc). At my doctor's insistence, i had seen a psychiatrist who wanted to hospitalize me. I gently laughed at her concerns. " I have loads of reserves left", I remember telling her.

I was walking down the Avenue a few days later with my babies. This street had many businesses that shipped goods to the Caribbean, those big barrels, you know? I thought to myself, I could pack the girls in one of them and kill myself, that way there wouldn't be any mess, because my husband and mom would be so upset if I called attention to myself and made a mess.....

I walked home, chewing over those thoughts. I went into my husband's office and said " i need to go to the hospital ". "No, you don't " he said. I went upstairs, called the shrink, packed a bag for me and the baby and took the subway to my nervous breakdown. It turned out that my infant had a double barreled ear infection that I hadn't picked up on, because I had no reserves.

Jude, you don't have to tell your mom anything. She won't understand. Just work with her doctor getting her someplace and get yourself well.

Oh, and it turned out that my mother in law, " who never had any problems" refused to get out of bed when her second kid was 8 weeks old. Her mother came and took over the household for a few months.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Sometimes sleep deprivation, stress and sheer exhaustion can cloud our head and make decision making difficult. Why not try to find a place for mom to stay for a week or two for respite care? During that time, you can sleep, rest, and consider all you options.

I wonder if after doing that, when you go visit mom and you feel rested and relaxed, you might get a glimpse of what you missing.  After I got rested, I actually looked forward to my visits with my cousin.  It was a very different experience. 
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Oh and just for the record THIS IS WHAT A BAD CARER LOOKS LIKE. I know I should be handing over the reins but am not doing so...that is NOT being a good carer for anyone who is reading this and is wondering what they would do.....my message would be don't let it get to this point.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think I am bordering on being very depressed literally through sleep deprivation Barb. No My Dad wouldn't want me to kill myself and I do KNOW that deep in my heart but I am so far down that even the thought of telling Mum I cant do this any more is that straw that would break me. I stay out of her way most of the day to avoid conflict but she calls me certainly every hour if not more so no chance of a real sleep during the day either. Sorry for letting it all go on here but this is the safe place for me
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Cwillie yes to all of those questions except the care home one - he just didnt believe in care homes he thought parents should stay at home and be taken care of by the family.....he looked after his parents (without I might add any help whatsoever from my mum even though we all lived in the same house!) until finally they were hospitalised (in todays world that would have been a hospice but not 50 years ago)

Katie that is with an upped medication she just will not sleep. If I give it to her earlier I cannot get her into bed because she is dopey but just not sleeping deeply enough not to press her damned buzzer!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Jude, (((((((((hugs))))))))))!

Your dad remembered homes as asylum, I'm pretty sure. So there's that.

Your mom needs more care than one person can give. If your dad left enough funds for 8 hours of care overnight, that might be a place to start.

I know that you are not so much bothered by your mom's being nasty to you as many of us would be. It's not that that's wearing you down, it's sleep deprivation. So if the choice is yours having a stroke from the stress of lack of sleep, or cancer from chronic stress and are no longer in the picture, who will be there to take care of mom? Did dad ask you to die in the service of mom? Think on't, my friend.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If you and your dad were as close as you say then I'm pretty sure he would not hold you to that promise after seeing the toll it has taken. You have to look at the context in which he asked this of you...
Did he have his own fears and prejudices about care homes?
Did he have a somewhat dysfunctional marriage, in that he sacrificed more of himself that he should have to please his wife and keep things stable?
Did he understand that she was unable to give unconditional love and that only a binding vow would make you do what you have been doing?
I'm going to segue into an odd direction... it is like vowing to donate a kidney to a family member who you know will need it some day, seeing it as a sacrifice worth making for the greater good. But what if you only have one kidney (one life), must you still keep that vow?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I had this same problem with my Dad.

The Doc prescribed a mild sleeping medication. He refused it...so it went into his evening desert.

This did not totally solve the problem. He would wake up about 5am. But, I got several hours of sleep
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter