Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
If writing a letter explaining why you're 'dumping her' is important to you--go ahead. Let it all out.

But never mail it.

I did this as a part of therapy with my MIL and my therapist had me write the most absolutely over the top letter--and I went into everything..all the things she had taken from me, the pain she had caused my DH, my kids, now my grands...and I kept the letter for a while, but never mailed it.

It was very cathartic. I have since totally divorced her, I do not talk to her, I don't buy her gifts (I made her son look pretty darn thoughtful for 40+ years)! and now I don't even know what she is up to...better yet, I don't care. She is 100% DH's problem, and altho he still tries to 'guilt' me in to spending time with her, it falls on deaf ears.

I have enough to deal with, with my own Narc mom. She has a really biting personality---or she can be a sweet little lamb. This sweet little lamb wrote me a BILL that is in her will--that although I DO get to inherit the same amt of $$ as the other sibs, I FIRST have to pay the estate $1500. My lawyer called that a 'posthumous FU' and said it wasn't legal. But it hurt, badly, b/c I felt like if she really felt I owed her trust money, be upfront about it. I'm very glad I saw this before she died (she's actually still alive) because it was so incredibly hurtful--just when you think the manipulation and hurting would stop when they die--and then something like this happens. Meh. YB, who is POA was told about this and he quietly slipped the illegal 'document' out of the trust.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have a mentally healthy, happy, adjusted mother, instead of the looney I have. I feel like I was parenting my own kids from scratch--b/c I didn't HAVE a good role model.

So-back to the beginning. Don't send a letter. It will only cause more pain.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
TouchMatters Sep 2021
Well. Maybe.
I agree - write a long letter and don't mail it.
Write a very short letter and do mail it - after all the charge is out / gone in the first letter.
(0)
Report
I completely understand what you are experiencing. My mother is very similar. Early dementia is now added to this mix of craziness. I would not send her the letter. It’s just not worth the potential rage. I would start slowly backing away. My heart goes out to you. You are important and your own life matters.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
bundleofjoy Sep 2021
hugs!

“It’s just not worth the potential rage. I would start slowly backing away. My heart goes out to you. You are important and your own life matters.”

i agree with you!
(2)
Report
Why bother, in her eyes it’s never going to be her fault. Years ago I had a very difficult boss. I loved the job but dreaded interactions with this woman. So I would write her a letter telling her about my feelings, I never gave her the letters but just butting my thoughts down on paper made me feel better. It even gave me a sense of power.

I would write the letter you want, but don’t give it to her. now start distancing yourself. Stop answering her calls, set a daily or weekly time you will talk to her, then say you have to go and hang up or leave. No excuses, no explaining, it's up to you to take control and stop letting her manipulate her. Keep telling yourself she doesn’t have any power over you. Why keep wasting energy on a person who does not bring joy to your life? If she were to die tomorrow how would you go forward with your life?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
TouchMatters Sep 2021
And, it is important that this daughter be direct and not 'dance around' or 'hide' the truth from her mother. This is ('still') giving her power away. Yes, I would agree - if daughter answered the phone 10 times this week (or in one day ?), cut that down to once.

* Yes, it is certainly up to the daughter to NOT allow ANYONE to manipulate her. They can't if a person doesn't allow it.

Gena
(0)
Report
Wow, this woman has severe mental and physical issues and the way she treats you is despicable. She will never be willing or capable of changing her behavior and personality and she will continue to lash out at you and do everything she can to control you. Forget why or when or why? It is UNACCEPTABLE and it is up to you to break the cycle. DO NOT CONTINUE TO INTERACT WITH HER - You will be destroyed. You have no choice. Concentrate completely on those in the family with whom you have good relationships. I would not attempt to explain or reason - won't do a darn bit of good. I think the best is if you speak to her and she starts in on you is that you just immediately hang up or go away and then ignore her. Keep the family informed but let them know you are finished - you have cut all ties. People who behave like this do NOT deserve kindness or help. They made their beds so let them lie in them. Remember, oil and water do NOT mix no matter how much you stir it. Stay away and break the ties.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Riley2166 Sep 2021
I learned far too late in life - and had I been smart, I would have been wiser much sooner. When there are people or circumstances in your life that affect you very negatively, and nothing fixes it, do you want to continue to be miserable and suffer or do you deserve peace and happiness? I think you know the answer and sometimes it takes guts but you have to get up and walk away and never look back.
(5)
Report
Write the letter if you need to vent or understand your own feelings better, but don't send it to your mother. Or put it in a journal. Would it help for you to get some counseling on how to deal with your mother? "Living well is the best revenge."
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
TouchMatters Sep 2021
Yes, counseling- therapy could be a major support and internal adventure of self-learning and self-discovery. This woman sounds very RIPE for this kind of support. I highly recommend(ed) it.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
IMHO: I do not think a letter will matter or change your mother. Further why give her something she can have and hold up or use against you when you fight or disagree. Your mom would also probably show such a letter to your brothers, and portray it in a bad light. You have read 22 books about your parent. Did any of them suggest counseling to help you concerning your relationship with mom? Otherwise, it would be easy to detach yourself from your mother, you could just do it (period.) However, for some reason you have not detached yourself. Maybe that “reason” is what you do not understand yet, or if you do understand it, it prevents you from detaching yourself from mom. Obviously you are concerned about yourself and the family, you need to talk to somebody who can help you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Yours is a difficult situation. My mom is narcissist’s narcissist and I too did not set boundaries until about 10 years ago but my boundaries were somewhat porous. She was diagnosed with a rare lung disease 5 years ago, dementia last year. When she first got sick I flew to Florida where she lived at the time then brought her up to live with me in Philly for 7 months so I could take her to Temple Lung Center and treatments. Two important details; she is 82 and I have a brother 3 years older than me(I’m 59).
Her health started to get worse and her neuro functions were diminishing but not dramatically. I ended up moving her in with me for 6 months until she went in to a behavioral until for psych med adjustments. They sent her to rehab and every doctor, nurse and social worker told me she needs to be in a long-term care facility. I should add my brother did absolutely nothing to help out prior to her moving in as well as when she lived with me. Nothing. I flew to Florida on several occasions to help her pack and then drove her to Philly with me because she is u able to fly due to her lung disease.
She now blames me for putting her in, keeping her in, and not letting her leave the nursing home she was transferred to. The truth is it was her psychiatrist who suggested she go in, to which she agreed, and then all the docs and support staff her suggested she needed a higher level of care than I can provide at home. She F-ing hates me now with every fiber in her being, and bad mouths me to anyone who will listen. I’m happy to say that everyone she speaks to knows the truth and knows I did everything I could. She was vicious on the phone with me, told me she was going to kill herself and in the note say it was my fault. One time I called she answered Fuck You(sorry for the language). She called me 70 times over one weekend. After much counsel, including some wonderful and deeply appreciated input from people on this site, I ended up going no-contact and it’s now been 9 months. It was such a difficult decision to make and it has taken me until now to understand and embrace the fact I’m doing the right thing. I told my brother back when this happened that I am done with her and will turn her affairs over to the facility where she lives and if he wanted to step up then feel free but, if not, let me know so I could proceed accordingly. My guilt is subsiding but my mental health was taking a major hit and if I didn’t make the decision to go no-contact I’m afraid I would have spiraled down the rabbit hole. The hardest decision I ever had to make. Of course she denies saying anything or the fact she fell down my steps 3 times and in her room 4 times, one time hitting her head on the wall so hard there was a hole in the wall from impact. She says she’s sorry but then repeats the same behaviors. So the question I asked myself was not why does she keep doing this but instead why do I keep allowing it. I am her POA and still work with the facility on her finances and will bring up toiletries and food each time the social worker emails me a list. But I will not speak with her directly and not sure I ever will again. So difficult but my option became clear. It a bad situation and I understand what you’re going through. I think your answer will become clearer and decision easier to make once you’ve had a chance to read some of the feedback you’ll receive on this wonderful site. Good luck and try to remember our time on earth is limited and it’s up to us who we allow in our lives and the toxicity we’ll tolerate. You must make whatever decision you decide based on WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. 💪🏼👆🏼🙏🏻
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
bundleofjoy Sep 2021
big hugs to you robert, loverofbooks, and everyone!!

i wish us to be free of narcs.

basically, that would mean to not be surrounded by mean people.

i only see as solutions:
…no contact
…or low contact

…or some superhuman ability not to feel pain, when treated badly by narcs.

hug!!

i wish us well.
(1)
Report
See 4 more replies
Let me put this from another perspective: You may see brother as the Golden Child because you don't walk in his shoes. If mom chats him up when talking to you, she does the same when talking to him. The difference between you and brother is his reasoning for jumping through hoops. Perhaps that's how he deals with mom's demands - just do what she wants, when she wants it, to avoid any conflict. He's the peacekeeper and you're the child who argues back.

Also from his perspective, if he is closer to her by miles, then you can help him out a little by talking to mom on the phone. Not twenty times a day, but I suggest daily. You don't have to answer every call from her, but you should answer at least one of them.

I lean a little more to brother's side of the fence because I'm the one siblings call the golden child. I am also the one who lives with the parent 24/7. I know that each sibling has a cell phone glued to the palm of their hand, yet they can go days without answering a call from parent's phone. If I call, they will answer right away. They see who is calling and make a conscious decision not to answer. Then I spend all day long explaining: No, there is nothing wrong. No they have not been in an accident. No they are not in the hospital and trying not to worry her. THEY JUST DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!!! One plays games that her phone never rang all day, lost the phone in the house, forgot to charge the battery, left it in the car. It's all BS.

Have a little empathy for those who live the closest and may be much more stressed out with 24/7 requests for help or phone calls. The Golden Child role is never what others think it is. We are stressed to the max and appreciate a little relief wherever and whenever we can get it. What you are calling gold may be nothing more than costume jewelry - the coating wears thin.

There is also the issue of self-preservation for elders. Manipulation, tears, conflict between family members created as a means to keep their situation running exactly as it is. Stay in the home, but requiring more help to do so. Butter up the ones who will come when you call while working on the others to come round. Empathy vanishes, if it was ever there, because the circle of focus becomes a lot smaller around the elder - whatever it takes to maintain ME.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

None of the above. I suggest you find a way to keep occupied.
We could put you in a round room and tell you there is a nickel in the corner.
Different adults handle things in different ways.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
lealonnie1 Sep 2021
What?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Dear Loverofbooks - oh, my heart hurt from reading your message because I can relate to all you are saying on so many levels. Your mother must be my mother's twin! I've elaborated a bit on this site about my situation for now...but, I understand exactly what you are going thru - I wish I had more answers, because I'm still trying to navigate this for myself - but, my mother also does not have dementia (I had her tested with MRI's, cognitive testing, etc)...after she went into a volatile RAGE - she went after me with such force physically in a violent rage and caused me injuries all over my face and body - which has left residual damage as a result that I'm still trying to work thru. And, it's happened several times since. No one would know because she's just about the loveliest person to the outside world - she also has zero accountability - actually talks about how people love her and how wonderful she is ...she minimized what she did to me - won't admit it and bares no remorse. The cognitive therapist doctor who did the testing for her told me first that her brain is normal - no dementia - and he did say that sometimes there are traits a person has their entire life that can get worse when they age. His comment made sense to me, which precipitated my re-assessing everything - even the way she was when I was growing up ....and I'm now realizing there were a lot of red flags that I just didn't want to acknowledge. I seriously could go on and on about her - and she damaged the family dynamic as a result...I have one sister - and we were close before all this and now, the relationship is also severed and as my parents age, she's done nothing for them and and has left it all to me. It's all a dysfunctional mess. All of this has obviously changed the way I respond to my mother - before, I was easy-going, very sweet to her...and very respectful...now, I don't even recognize myself - there have been times (like when she had a cataract procedure) that I forced myself to help her - but when I speak to her, it's in a very flat, robotic voice and very detached. She literally has drained every emotion of love for her out of my body ...and it pains me to say that and be left with that - but it's what it is and I'm trying to heal from that.
I can say that I tried previously writing her a letter ...I poured my heart and all of my emotions into the letter - it was somewhat cathartic for me, but when I gave it to her to read, she had an annoyed look on her face and called me some vile names...and ripped it up in front of me. I don't regret writing it or giving it to her - but it meant nothing to her in the end. Perhaps if you do write this letter, it may help you in pulling back from her as she'll understand why - so maybe it will serve a purpose...but it's difficult to know.
I'm still trying to get back to myself after my mother's physical and emotional damage...it's taken a lot from me....and, at a time when things were going well in my life.
Anyway, I wish you all the very best...and continued strength and peace.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
bundleofjoy Sep 2021
hugs!!!
just awful how she treated you.

unfortunately, i also have a narc in my life.

courage to us.
i wish us to be happy, super successful.

don’t let them “win”.
they want to destroy us (often, it’s mother against daughter).
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
If you have the strength to walk away and truly never go back, do so. I’m in the same situation, both parents narcissists as well as my golden child sister. I’m the peacekeeper at a huge sacrifice to myself. My narcissistic mom just like your mom has thankfully passed. My covert narcissistic dad remains. A letter or email or talk will not help. Your mom doesn’t have the capacity to love and she will NEVER understand. Set her up in independent living or assisted living based on her needs and try to walk away. If you stay as I have, know that you will lose a part of yourself every day but you have great capacity to love your parent who will never appreciate or love you back. When she passes, you will have no guilt and I believe you will be blessed in ways you never imagined. If you walk away, it’s okay as it’s her that will need to be forgiven for her actions. But how can it ever work if a narcissist is incapable of love to another person??? At least you know others are going through what you are. Narcissists are never wrong so telling them anything will never register and the backlash is severe. I turned to writing poems to deal with my feelings and it has helped.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello loverofbooks,
Write the letter to her- but do it for YOU! (since realistically, that is the only one who will care about the words written, YOU). Forgive me if I sound harsh, that is not my intention; I just want to emphasize that you will not convince her of any wrongdoing, she will not change, and I hate to see another daughter, so hopeful amid the insanity, go through the hurt and disappointment that only a mother can bestow upon them. Do not continue to hope that there must be something you can do to make her understand or change the way she treats you; doing so will lead to your own destruction. Instead, hope for acceptance- your acceptance of the way she is and will always be. Knowing and accepting are very different things and I have found that until I accept something, I cannot get over it or handle it in a non-self destructive way. You are at the best place you can be here on agingcare.com; you will find the best people who will unconditionally give you their opinions, thoughts and care. The things our mothers are/were totally oblivious to.
Writing can be very therapeutic. It was for me. I wish you the best.
susan xoxoxo
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Hopeforhelp22 Sep 2021
wow - OUHyperop - your message was incredible - I'm going to re-read your message many times for my own situation and my own self-healing. thank you
(2)
Report
It really does not matter.

She is a narcissist and will twist everything around so she is the victim while you are the bad one.

Just do it and walk away with no contact until she is prepared to repent ( repent means you admit what you did, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness and make amends where appropriate ). Speaking from experience that will be the last contact you have with her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
Christservant,

It all sounds great but the mother will never as you say "repent" or apologize, or try to make any amends. If by some chance she actually does, it would be a miracle.
The only time a narcissistic and abusive elder will ever make some effort at contrition is if they need or want something and there's no one else to get it for them. None of them are actually sincere and will resume the abusive behavior and manipulation until the next time they want or need.
(1)
Report
You and your mother need professional help to restore your relationship. If you do not it will damage you both and you do not want to put it off till she passes. The goal of your "help" will be to teach you both how to have a good relationship and "disagree". You and your mother are living in the past with unresolved "conflict".
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Do whatever you want.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If it makes you feel better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What will the letter change? It will just state on paper all the things you've said in person, right? The things she already refuses to listen to? I don't see it changing her behavior one bit. But if it will make YOU feel better, then go ahead and do it.

As others have noted: if she will not stop when you ask her to, then the only option is to remove yourself from the situations that you want to stop. Tell her you'll call her at a specific time but that you will not pick up at other times. Only go visit her when others are present. If she's trying to turn others against you, then talk to them frankly about the situation, (you don't need to convince them, just inform them - they then have another side other than hers, and can do what they want with that information) and tell them what you're doing as a result (changing contact methods, reducing contact, etc.) so that information comes through YOU rather than her. If you write her a letter, then send them a copy, too, again, so they know what was said and what your boundaries are.

That's all you can do. You can't control her, and you can't control your brother. You can only control what you do and what you are present for, and removing yourself from an abusive situation is your right. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Another tip to try, to ANYTHING you don't like that she says, "Oh, you are right, uh-huh, so now what?"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

At 88, your mom doesn't have long on this earth to live. Have you spoken with your state's social worker? Here in Riverside, California, we have an "Office on Aging" you can call. There must be something like it where you live. Or, contact her doctor or health plan to ask for a social worker. They give referrals and advice. In the meantime, there is a saying: When people go crazy, don't go there with them. Instead, you can try these communication tips: 1. "I will talk to you when you calm down." (If she continues, WALK AWAY to another room or if it is on the phone, HANG UP." 2. "You have the right to believe that, and I also have the right to believe it my way." 3. "You are NOT to insult me like that any longer. STOP IT." (If she doesn't, turn and walk away.) Etc.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Use your phone to record conversations either audio or video and let your brother see what's going on. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
It won't make any difference if there's audio, video, or a hundred witnesses to the behavior. Gaslighters and narcissists are masters of manipulation and denial. They find a way to make themselves the victim even when there's every manner of proof of their wrongdoings. It's best to just cut these people out of your life.
(5)
Report
Shortly before my mother died she asked if she had ever mistreated me. I said "No" so she could die in peace. Should I have addressed her treatment of me then? I think not, but I should have tried to express my feelings before she became so sick. I wish I had done so. Through this site I have learned so much and appreciate advice of others who have trod the same path. However, I still don't know how to grow past the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I wish I had asked my mom WHY she abused me, taught me that I would never be loved, and never good enough. I doubt she would have answered truthfully, but would have said "I never said that!", just as your mother. She was always right. I still wonder why mothers of baby boomers mistreat(ed) their daughters, and I, too, am so tired of "I did the best I could", or "She did the best she could". Every one of the answers here are from experience, and good advice. I cannot add to them, but extend my understanding and hugs. Back off with less/no contact seems the only answer. Good luck and more hugs!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
bundleofjoy Sep 2021
big hugs to you!!

why did she do this?

i think because of jealousy. i don’t think she would have told the truth as to why she did it.

why did she do it?
because some people (often a mother) feel good/great kicking others (normally the daughter) down.

1 woman against another woman.

hug!!
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
If you don't feel like you can have a conversation with your mom, you should try having a person to person conversation with her, but have your brother there too and that will make her be at her best behavior.

Mare sure you do not holler at her and remain calm.

Let her know what ya'll both need to do to be able to continue you seeing her and if she doesn't think it can happen or doesn't want to change then let her know whatever you decide like you're only going to text or e mail her or you're not going to have phone conversations with her and only going to visit once a month or whatever, just let her know what you feel you can do.
Maybe your brother will understand once mom starts calling him too much.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Writing your mom a letter may feel great for you, but will not change her behavior towards you. Since you like to read, may I suggest reading any of the "boundary books" by Townsend and Cloud. They outline a very good method for putting boundaries in place for difficult behaviors and difficult people.

For the difficult phone conversations:
1 - let it go to voicemail
2 - answer and say that you can't talk right now

For difficult in person conversations/rants:
1 - Leave the room
2 - Go to the bathroom
3 - Tell her that it is time to end the visit for that day
4 - Try to change to another topic when you see the escalation starting

For your brother and his family:
1 - Build the relationships around everything that doesn't involve your mom
2 - Limit discussions about "touchy subjects"
3 - Make an appointment with your SIL to talk things over

These are just examples of tactics you can take. You can do this!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your situation sounds very much like mine except it’s my dad. My mom died almost 50 years ago. I have stopped trying to change my dad’s behavior because he becomes more argumentative and ugly. What I did to try to make me feel better, I stopped answering the phone every time he called. My dad then started calling several times in a row. I answered to make sure he was ok and he just wanted to talk. So I don’t answer especially when he calls several times in a row. If he becomes argumentative I just say ok I’m going to hang up now if we can’t talk with out arguing, he continues I say bye and hang up while he’s talking. When he is interrupting I let him talk until he is finished, I ask if he’s done, he’ll say yes and then I say ok and start talking. When he interrupts I say it’s my turn. I’ll say it a few times then I hang up or walk away, or act like I’m not listening anymore. You could get in the car and go somewhere, go for a walk, put earbuds in and listen to your music. Don’t engage. Just hang up if you have to. It has helped some with my dad. Hope it works for you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

We have the same Mother.😱
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You can explain all day long to her and she is not going to listen. Grey rock, let your brother take over and accept that this is your mother and she is not going to change. Go as little contact as possible, grieve the relationship you will never have and put all that love into your healthy family. I have a sister like this and I’m the only one she depends on. She has some disabilities and can’t work and has SSDI. It took 4 years for me to accept her as is and I laid down boundaries and I have peace.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

When people ask me about narcissism, I say I have probably watched 500 videos from Dr. Ramani. Their eyes get really big, astounded about how much time I have invested. My narcissistic father died over a year ago, but I am still having to deal with my narcissistic sister over the estate and Dad's house. If you watch Dr. Ramani, she says the videos help you cope with the day-to-day events of dealing with a narcissist. When you first learn of it, you want to do something drastic to let them know you are on to them. However, all your words and talk will not make a difference to them. Their only objective is to control you and when you get emotional, they have successfully baited you. I would call my daily viewing of a Dr. Ramani video just like a vitamin or aspirin regimen. It puts my emotions in the proper perspective, and allows me to move on to the rest of my day.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
bundleofjoy Sep 2021
“Their only objective is to control you and when you get emotional, they have successfully baited you.”

i agree! hug!!
(2)
Report
Doed the independent living facility have an assisted living section? It sounds as though she may need that if the two of you still need to buy her so much. Are meals not provided where she is presently?

I think you should tell your mother you can come once a month with her items and that is it. She can balk but she is mistreating you and you don't need that in your life. Does she have any interest in your grandchildren?

Let your brother decide what he wants to do since he is adding more difficulty to the situation. This can drag on if you let it. Hope you arrive at a solution and can stick with it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

NO.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

From what you have described I doubt she would "get it" if you sent her a letter or an email.
You can send it just don't expect her to respect the boundaries you establish.
Frankly from what you described I am surprised you answer the phone when she calls and not let it go to voicemail. I am surprised that you don't hang up the phone when she goes on and on. A simple "mom, I gotta go" then a hang up. no explanation needed, just hang up.

Bottom line...you do what you need to do for yourself. And for your family.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter