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Trainer mom, I am sorry if I offended you about your daughter, I don't remember reading about grandma being abusive to her. This is truly an unfortunate situation. Has anyone called her on her abusive behavior? I personally think that saying that is unacceptable and will not be tolerated is okay. No one deserves abuse. I had to put my dad in a facility because he thought he was the authority in my home and he could treat my husband and myself anyway he wanted.

I am able to let him have his way much easier, not being subjected 24/7. Unless there is danger involved, such as going the wrong way on a one way street. In these situations I just ignore him, hard to do but staying safe is the priority.

You say getting away is not possible, could your daughter give you a couple day respite before she heads back to school? A stay vacation, ice chest in bedroom, no one in the house sees you, sneak out when moms in the bathroom, that kind of thing. Make a game out of it.

I can not imagine how tired you are, caring for an adult that needs help with everything is exhausting, I believe that's why we are designed to have children when we are young. Please find a way to take care of you on this journey, she will be in trouble if something happens to you and you're not there to care for her.
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You have just described my 87 year old Dad. In my dads case, he always showed previous traits of negatively, condescending, and spoke without a filter many times. I spent I think many times trying to please him, and correct him, or prove him wrong in order to show he was wrong about me/life. Now, with dementia, I find I have to swallow my words....it is so hard to just agree with him....so
I do exactly what your family is doing, and it does not work much. But I and my brother are working at our responses..trying & failing, trying and it’s working. We fail many many times as Dad really is so unhappy with his situation...but he does not wish to make any changes...so he is stuck in a rut on his own accord. He continues to vent and take it out on us. He is much better with other people. Thank God for this site and the advises from those who are going through the same things. We limit our time with visits...you are stuck when the parent resides in your own home. This site you will find will be the best place for help!
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My mom was a pain with always being so touchy, sarcastic, thinking we were ganging up on her and generally being a real cranky and disagreeable human. I never even considered that she might be depressed or have anxiety. It got so bad one Christmas that after she left, I promised she would never darken my door again. But I called her one day and she started up again and I let her have it - all my frustration, how her behavior is affecting the family, how no one will want to spend any time with her if she keeps up this behavior. I kept assuring her that I loved her but hated her behavior. She went to the doctor herself after that and was put on medication - I call it her happy pill - I'm not sure what it is, but it has completely changed her mood. She is back to the person I always remembered.

Remember, your mom is not so old or feeble that she can't be talked to like a person. Maybe your mom is tired of being "agreed" with. Maybe causing drama is entertainment. Maybe she just needs to be stood up to.

Of course, if she is suffering from dementia, I don't recommend this at all.

Just my two cents.
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This may be far out....but... (because I have a bad reaction when I feel this way)...I wonder if she feels that you are being condescending toward her.
You are going to great lengths trying to be "nice." I hate it when people do that to me, because I feel that they are just trying to placate me without acting on MY concerns.
Especially if she has been in a position of authority in her career, she might have been suspicious of subordinates who tried that with her. So, if she's cold or wants more cat food or whatever, what does she want you to do about it? Ask her. Then respond appropriately: Pointing at thermometer, "It's 78 in here. That's what we like. You want warmer, go outside or get a sweater." "Oh, thanks, I'll put cat food on the list." Why argue about that?
I am not dismissing your concern about her cognitive abilities, and they need to be addressed by her doctor. I'm just suggesting that you try to react with less seemingly placating behavior.

You mention her good intentions to see an attorney. Get recommendations or do some research and be ready to make an appointment the next time she brings it up. Immediately. If it's after hours, make a big note on the refrigerator to call first thing in the morning, then do it. Give her an appointment card, write it on the calendar. If she starts "you're pushing me," just tell her she already has the appointment, so she may as well go see what they suggest--she doesn't have to agree with them or do anything if she doesn't want to. Then, go with her and keep your mouth shut when the attorney tells her what she needs. If you are asked for your opinion, say "It sounds like good advice to me, but it's really up to you, Mom." The attorney will tell her what happens if she doesn't have DPOA, etc., then let her decide. Don't second guess her decision because you think she's not competent to make the right one. If she's not competent to make the right decision, it's too late anyway, right?
As others have mentioned, you need a break. Why not visit your daughter's campus for Homecoming or just a fun weekend? Ask Mom what she wants to do while you're away. Staying by herself in YOUR house not being an option you are going to accept because, "I couldn't enjoy it if I was worried if you are OK." Have two or 3 options for her: in-home help, stay at a facility, whatever. She pays for it, because you can't be at her side 24/7/365; you'll be crazy.
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I know exactly how you feel. I live in the UK, and used to work in administration in an over-65's mental health unit. So I knew all the 'best practice" stuff.
But when it came to dealing with my own mum, all the good intentions can sometimes go out of the window.
I have learnt that it's no good correcting her when mum says something I know is completely untrue, and have to bite my tongue at times.
It's hard, especially as she has always had a bit of a nasty tongue and turn of speech.
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You could be talking about my Papa here. If he misses his medicine, he’s stupid. Or he’ll argue about something trivial. I think it’s because he has no control left in his life and he’s angry about that. He hates that his doctor has told him if he falls he has to go back to the nursing home. He hates that he can’t see to do anything around the house anymore. He hates that he can’t drive so we have to take him. He just hates the fact that he’s not in control of his life anymore and there’s nothing to be done about it.
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Why don’t just agree with everything she says.
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I have two words for you : Teepa Snow! She has video on Youtube. WATCH THEM! She does break it down on how to deal with your loved one when they had Alz/Dem. You can't argue with her, because you will lose. She is also "Showtiming" you; tell you things and you correcting or agreeing with her ("I know"). No she doesn't know, because she can't rationalize anymore. I left her brain ten minutes ago, you are late. LOL! I have been going thru this for four years; at this point I just say Okay Mom. You can't let it get to you; she has no control in what she is saying. (Easier said than done) If I had a dollar for every time my MIL was doing that to me I would have been a MILLIONAIRE! Teepa Snow watch all of those little ten minute videos; I think there are 16. WORTH IT!
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OMG. I thought you were writing about MY mother. Virtually identical situation but at least she doesn't live with me. I feel your frustration. It does make you feel that you are walking on eggshells even when you think you're saying something innocuous.

I try to just humor her. Frequently I just take the abuse. Not sure I have a lot of suggestions to offer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.
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Dear Trainer,
Your family is to be commended for all the loving and support you are
giving your mom! She is so lucky to have such a loving and patient family.
Sadly, our elderly parents with "cognitive impairments" aren't able to comprehend how their words/actions affect us, so we have to develop a "thick skin" as they say. My mom had dementia, so Dr. recommended the book, The 365 hour Day. It really became like a bible for me to understand what mom was going thru and how to deal with behaviors or things she said. Also, it's very important for you all to get some respite as well. As mentioned before, have someone come in a few hours to stay with mom, so you & hubby can go out? Maybe mom can attend a senior center or Day Care facility a few hours for peer socialization & activities?
Eventually I had to place my mom in a Care Home because despite all our efforts to make her life comfortable, happy and safe, it put a strain on our home life and we had very little peace. Mom's Dr. said we did all we could do, and it was what was best for her.
You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, so you're not being selfish by any means. Your marriage is a priority! My wake up call was when my husband went to the ER with heart palpitations! I wish you all peace.
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You should absolutely NOT always agree! Why would you want to agree with someone whose mind may be going down hill?
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anonymous434963 Aug 2018
Why? In our local NH, there's a lady who asks everyone, "Have you seen my husband?" She thinks he is coming to get her, but he's been dead 20 years. The nurses say, "He will probably be here in a few minutes," which calms her. Why would you devastate this lady by telling her that her beloved husband is DEAD?
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Your mother sounds exactly like my mother did a few of years ago. She has Aphasia which causes a confusion of words and a penchant to call everything by one particular noun for a few days until she switches to another. It only gets worse as time goes on until there is only gibberish, phrases with no subject so you have no idea who or what she is talking about. As hard as it is remain calm and answer her comments with a positive attitude, you have to understand that your mother is afraid. She knows something is wrong with her but cannot express it and tends to take out her fear and frustration on those closest to her. My mother over the past two years has regressed to the point she lashes out at me for not understanding what she is trying to say and accuses me of stealing, hiding her things, and just lying to her about everything. We just learned this week, after testing, that she has vascular dementia, caused by hardening of the arteries in the brain. She also has some scar tissue in her brain that is caused by possible blows to her head over her lifetime (like concussions cause in football players) or mini-strokes. She is 90. The past several days have been rather hellish around here because of a new prescription she is to take. She does not want me to manage her medication, much of which has to be taken on a schedule and not in tandem with other drugs. She is taking a stand that she is now handling her medication, taking it out of the hands of a liar who is trying to steal her money and possessions. Of course, she feels this is one area where she can have some control over her life but it certainly does not bode well for homelife here or proper medication dispense. My health is suffering from the stress I live with but I try to remain calm but often fail, yet keep in mind she is the one who is truly suffering and I want to keep her as best as I can till the end, if I don't drop dead first.
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This is so hard. She is entering her twilight, probably scared. I have been there, but the answer really is yes. She will feel better and so will you. She cannot help it. Just love on her a bit more and she will feel it.
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Oh my goodness. This happened to me tonight.
My grandma said she needed ‘new’ instant coffee because the one in the cabinet was ‘years old’. I told her no, that I had purchased it recently (it was, in fact, a brand new jar).
She gave me the evil eye and immediately began arguing that I was wrong.
I just let it go and told her I’d put in on the grocery list.

Honestly I know better than to argue with her. She gets upset because she can’t stand the thought that she doesn’t remember anymore. But sometimes I forget that we can’t have a normal conversation. And I’m dealing with someone that is more child-like every day.

It’s so much easier to just agree with our LO. Not worth the anger it brings out in them. Seems to keep the peace around my home when I follow my own advice!
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TEEPA SNOW (mentioned below)
If you are on this AgingCare site, give yourself a gift + watch Teepa's videos. She explains many different kinds of dementia and how a person may 'act out.'

Learning from Teepa has assisted me to:

* not take interactions personally.
* realizing the brain is not working 'right' (may get worse) and gives me emotional and psychological distance from reacting to the person (and more sense and feelings of compassion).
* You will understand vascular dementia, aphasia (and more) watching her videos - you will feel relief, through understanding.

Understanding dementia (interacting with an inflicted person) IS learning a new language with virtually no learning curve. You are thrown in a situation about 99.99% of family/care providers do not understand nor know how to deal with. Be gentle with yourself going through this -

Rule No. 1: Never argue with a person (with dementia). For you peace of mind, keep quiet and don't 'bite the bait'

Rule No. 2: Do not allow yourself to be a 'punching bag' or be verbally abused.
+ learn to walk away
+ change the subject / redirect the conversation
+ train your mind to go to 'compassion=brain doesn't work' . . . She feels FEAR and CONFUSION. She is scared and doesn't know what is happening to her.
+ Learn reflective responses, i.e., Reflect her words back to her "Oh the cat food is . . . It doesn't matter if there is cat food or not. It is learning how to keep the (potential) emotional intensity even / minimize.

You are doing this for you and your family well-being.
It is a way to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically from being (further) worn down. As you do this, you are also learning compassion as you are understanding the inflicted person cannot help what their brain is doing.
* Do nice little things for yourself and family.
* Physical exercise/movement (yoga, jogging, dance, walking) will help.
* Give hugs and loving touches (hand massage, shoulder rub) to everyone involved who wants / is receptive.
* Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the loved one who is no longer there. It is a grieving process. Letting go and being present with what (and who) is now is a constant learning curve. Gena.
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anonymous831857 Aug 2018
"If you're on this site".... I can't find any videos by Teepa Snow on this site.
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it's hard when it's unexpected. We expect it of MY mom because she's always been that way. But, we still have trouble dealing with it.
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BlackHole Aug 2018
Love your screen name!
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IMO, it's not worth the fight. Crabbiness wears you out. You are NOT going to change her mind anyway. Explaining is a useless endeavor. Go along with it to keep the peace and pity her because her brain is "broken" and she can't help how cranky she is.
Let it roll off, like water off a duck's back.
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You really must get relief from this. Please find an adult daycare that could pick her up twice a week for a few hours. Or pay a 'snf' to keep her for 2 weeks at a time, (twice a year, at least). Its called 'respite' care, so you all can have space, & relief. It's not cruel or unusual. Blessings.
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