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One sibling seems to be counting on inheritance and so is concerned with the cost of memory care. Others are more concerned with Mom's needs and a MC center with proximity to family.
At 94, Mom walks almost a mile a day and she has longevity in the family. Her sister passed away at 102, though she did not have dementia as Mom does.
Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.
Anyone have this experience? Perhaps I just need to vent as my husband and I are the primary caregivers and we are tired as Mom keeps us up at night.

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Yours and your siblings main concern at this point should be, what's in the best interest of your mom, and not the family inheritance. If one of the places is more convenient for the family to be able to visit, that sounds like a win win to me, as she will appreciate your visits for sure. Her money should allow her the best care possible, as it's her money. And if there is no money left when it's all said and done, well so be it. You and your family can rest in the knowledge that your mom was well cared for in her final years. That should be all of yours number one concern.
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The POA sibling has a legal duty to do what is best for your mom.

Tell them to stop trying for consent from the money hungry sibling, quite frankly, it's none of their business and they have no say. Legally the POA has all of the authority and should not be intimidated or harrassed by any other sibling, they are not even obligated to discuss it with them in any way, shape or form. They can always tell the greedy sibling that they will not be kept in the loop if they don't stop, you can even block them from mom if they try to cause problems by browbeating her or giving her wrong information that causes her to be upset. (I don't advocate for anyone being cut off from those they love, unless those they love don't give two thoughts to them and their wellbeing and that sounds like your sibling. Being kept away may be the only way to put this nonsense to bed.)

Get mom moved and you go back to being her loving daughter.

Edit: maybe you could submit a bill for caregiving, housing and everything else that you and your husband do for your mom that far exceeds the most expensive MC and let it be known that you will get paid monthly from now on. It will make the MC facility the better option.
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The POA is the sibling with the power to make this decisions. The other siblings do not have any input on financial decisions. The POA is responsible to make the funds of the elder last.
Should ALL siblings be willing, consider family mediation. Resource below were gathered by Geaton in past, and are worth a try if simply sitting and discussing doesn't bring any satisfaction.
Mediate.com
APFMnet.org (Academy of Professional Family Mediators)
ACRnet.org (Assn. for Conflict Resolution)
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2021
They are not responsible to make sure the funds last. They are responsible to ensure that the funds are managed correctly and used only for the elder but, not to the detriment of the elder by placing them in a place that means fewer visitors, lesser care and larger inheritance.
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My Mom's healthy as a horse too, with family that lives into ther mid to late 90's on the female side especially. Doesn't dementia stink? People try to live healthily to live longer but our bodies aren't engineered for it, and at the end of the road is the higher risk of developing some kind of late-onset dementia.
I am HCPOA, and Mom moved in with me at age 90 about a year ago when the wheels fell off the bus & covid was a concern. In February she moved into a dementia-focused AL. I was the one picking the facility and worrying that she'd outlive her savings (oh, the cost comparative spreadsheet I made!), but at the end of the day it's her money still and the burden lies on the POA's to use her resources to act in her best interest.
As a family we agreed to make the best selection for Mom's current needs and if the money gets spent down then it's the Medicare route for Mom.
Quite honestly, if the reluctant sibling chooses to be obstructive because they want to save an inheritance, then they should be offering to take care of mom at the same level that the MC can supply. Meanwhile you're in limbo while they push back but aren't part of a solution and you're...fried, right? Exhausted?
You and POA have the right and duty to do what's in your mom's best interests, so do it. I bet your mom picked you guys for a reason...:)
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2021
Medicaid route, not Medicare, they don't pay for these facilities.

I want to say that offering the greedy sibling the option to take mom in, is a really dangerous option, they have proven that their inheritance is more important than mom's wellbeing and they would not be taking care of her if it meant spending money on her care. They really can't be a care resource without endangering mom.
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Money is often the cause of family conflict. I've witnessed in support groups some knock-down, drag-out battles within families about one sibling's greed for inheritance and the other's concerns for mom's care. In your short post you've already described 2 reasons for seeking a “better” place for your mom. I say better because I know you're giving her the best care that you can, but at this point she needs more than you can offer.

Reason #1: That fact that she takes a mile walk at her age is fantastic. But those walks can turn into a nightmare if she forgets how to get home. And what if she looses track of time and decides to take one of those walks at 2 AM? Wandering is a major reason why caregivers place their LOs in a care facility.

Reason #2: You're not getting the rest you need. Sleeplessness by the caregiver is another major reason for placement. At times my wife would be able to stay awake for a entire day and night. She had no regular sleeping patterns anymore. The early morning hours can be very dangerous for your mom. Like my wife, she may decide to get dressed and get her day started at 1 AM and leave the house ( back to wandering).

As her POA, you not only have the right to make decisions on her behalf, you have the responsibility and authority to make those tough decisions. So tell the self centered sibling that mom's needs come before any inheritance, and do what is best for her and yourself.
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This is where the POA steps in. Mom needs care and her Dementia will only worsen. You no longer can care for her. So the POA now makes the decision. Thats why they are POA. Moms money needs to be spent down. Once that is done then Medicaid needs to be applied for. MCs are usually private pay but your State may pay for it. If not, then Mom will need to go to Long term care. There comes a time anyway, were MC is not enough.

Its not fair that siblings want to hold onto the money for inheritance sake when one sibling is doing the caring and its effecting their health and lives. Tell the POA that you can no longer do the caring and he/she has the power to place Mom.
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My BIL was WAAAAY too invested in where we placed FIL. BIL wanted a huge inheritance, which made me (a DIL myself) really angry. He showed his true colors as we looked into places for dad. Old, gross, poorly run places into which I would not put my dog! But they were super cheap.

In the end, it didn't matter, dad passed in the hospital, but BIL had dad's rental properties up for sale 3 days after the funeral. Anything that sold--he demanded HIS 1/3rd to be hand delivered at like 6 am. DH was executor and to keep the peace in the family, gave BIL and SIL much more than either OTHER BIL or us--just to placate this grasping relative. I lost all respect for him over this.

Dad's money was for DAD'S care, not to line BIL's pockets and I look at him to this day with distrust and will NEVER trust him again.

Looking back--DH, who was also POA, should have been tougher and had spreadsheets, etc to prove to BIL that we weren't cleaning out the estate. He even refused to allow DH to take an hourly fee for all the work he did on the estate. I flipped the condo and it sold for $50K more than it would have w/o all that work. BIL gave ME a budget and mafe me show him all the receits. I was not paid a dime.

DH is his mom's POA and also her executor. She really needs to be in an assisted living, but again, BIL just sees dollar signs and won't allow it. DH won't stand up to him, as he is a Dr. No Shot and will not do conflict of any kind. I see te writing on the wall--it's going to be a nightmare, again.

What's the POINT of having POA's if nobody respects their 'authority'? I don't think my brother is taking proper care of mother, but she is content enough and so I leave it alone. If she didn't like it, she could change it.
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rovana Jun 2021
Unfortunately, being POA/DPOA does not give a person a backbone. But POA should fulfill fiduciary duty and not strictly following will is not right IMO.
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This is why the POA makes the final decision. Inheritances do not exist until someone is dead, so the greedy sibling is fighting over money that simply isn't theirs to fight over.

Mom gets what Mom needs with MOM'S (not anyone's inheritance) money.

If it makes the greedy sibling any happier, my mother has been in a nursing home for 2 1/2 years at between $8900 and $12,000/month. Her money has been well-invested (by me), and she is worth more now than she was when she went in.

Focus on good investing of Mom's funds, and Mom can have what she needs and Greedy McGreedpants may have a windfall at the end, too.
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jacobsonbob Jun 2021
Yes, my sister and I had a similar experience. We've received our inheritance, but we can be satisfied we did our best to meet our parents' needs. Our father spent almost a year in a nursing home while our mother spent about 8 years. At least in my case, the money will probably be used for me if/when I get to the point at which I need care.
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Reading all of this makes me realize just how lucky I am. My sibs and I do not always agree but we are committed to the best care for our mom and find a way to reach a consensus . We recently had to make the move from asst living to memory care. It was hard and ended up requiring a move for her to a completely different town and transferring care decisions to a different sib. I really don’t understand why the in laws have any in put at all beyond an opinion if asked for. Kids make these choice for their parents not their spouses.
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Who has the Power of Attorney? That is the person or persons who makes the decision.
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We are in a similar situation. My MIL is 91 and walks constantly as well. Has dementia and is in need of Homecare which we want to get set up for now, Atleast part time, meals, companionship, and possibly transportation. The other sibling says he isn't "ready" for that. We asked at what point are you going to be ready? We all have our lives to live outside of taking care of mom! We are very active people and would like to have her cared for, for her to be safe at home. We also don't want to get to the point of resenting her because we have to be there all the time. The other siblings live pretty far away and want to travel back and forth to care for her, but we live the closest and have been caring for her for the last 10 years. I feel like they are in denial of what her needs are? At any rate, i feel your pain. I think the person with the POA of healthcare is probably the one who needs to make the final decision in your situation. It is a tough one, as a lot of these facilities are pretty scary. I guess you can always try the one that they like and if it turns out to be horrible, then switch her(?) Not sure about all the logistics doing that, but for what they charge at these places, you want to be happy with where she is!🙏❤️Good luck, and try and make some time for YOU!
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Your entire family is disrespecting YOU the caregiver. You have done enough! I'm curious if you have gotten any compensation from the POA for having your mother in your home and being caregiver.

YOUR wellbeing is paramount here. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Tell the POA sibling that you get more input than anyone else, and that if anyone disagrees, your mother moves to THEIR house. Enough is enough.

How long has your mother been living with you, and how did it happen to all fall to you?
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The POA is the person to determine what is best for your mom. She respected and trusted you enough to give you POA.
Regarding inheritance - no one is entitled to her money and its benefits other than your mom. I am certain that they sacrificed and planned to have enough money at the end of their lives that a burden would not be placed on the children.
Put mom in the best place for HER. Tell the sibling that it is your legal and moral right to take care of mom in the best way as possible. If they need money so badly that they are counting on mom passing, they should be ashamed.
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eldestchildof3 Jun 2021
I agree! It’s not about siblings it’s about “what’s best for mom!”
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Ultimately it is the POA’s decision, period, end of story. Others can provide input on the decision but in the end it is the POA’s final say. The parent selected that individual for some reason they saw the person as the best fit for the task .
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The decision ultimately rests with the one with POA.
Personally I would select the one that...
At this point provides the best care
Next would be proximity to family
Since you are primary caregivers I would think the facility that can make her a resident as soon as possible would be on the list as priority.
Tactfully, gently remind sibling that is concerned with inheritance that the money mom and dad saved was saved for "their golden years, their retirement, their care" as the main goal for saving. That is what her money should be used for.
Sibling can save for her or his "golden years, retirement, care" just as mom and dad did. An inheritance is not guaranteed....
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Not much anyone but the one who has legal rights to make mom's decision.

Is mom mentally able to look and decide which one she might like?

Wold ya'll be able to take her to visit a couple that ya'll are thinking about?

The best thing to do is visit and observe and talk to the people living there without anyone of the workers around.

Tare your mom to have lunch there, see the other residences at lunch and at a function and observe.

A Live In could be hired for mom if ya'll still want her living with you.

Inheritance does not become Inheritance until the person is dead so thinking about what might be left is not the way it should be.. the money belongs to your mom and should be spent on your mom, to find the best place for her placement possible.

As far as I'm concerned, there are many very beautiful places to the eye and when you visit you're told everything you want to hear but once the person is admitted it isn't what it seems.

Most are understaffed and you're treated as an object as something that have things to get done, not a person.

You lose everything, you lose your privacy, you have to bathe when they tell you no matter if it's 5:30 or 6 in the morning if that's whst it takes for the Aide to get thru to everyone and I know this 1st hand as my sister worked in one.
You get dressed every morning even if you just feel like lounging around in your pajamas, you eat when they tell you, ect.

The only thing that is yours to keep is your mind and they will take thst to by giving drugs, if you become what they see as a problem and you'll be turned in to a zombie.

If it's at all possible, the best place for mom would be with family.

Can't you be paid to let mom live there and you can have a Caregiver come in and do a 12 hr shift from 8 AM to 8 PM or more if needed.

When my Dad was 95 he wasn't able to urinate and got really bad off went to the hospital with kidney failure but he got better and got out with having to be on a Catheter but the episode did something to his mind and then dementia set in and I did what he wanted and that's let him stay in his own home and I hired 24 7 Caregiver help.

More costly then putting him in a Senior Home but I knew he would be so confused, scared and unhappy if he lived there.

I had cameras installed so I could keep an eye on how the Caregivers are doing and how he's being treated.

Yes, he is going thru his money for his Care and there won't be an inheritance left but it was the right thing to do.

It's his hard earned money and it should be used to keep him as happy as he can be during his last day's.

Your Mom should be placed in the best place, which isn't always the prettiest or fanciest place and definitely a place close to family.

People are better off in homes if they're know to get visitor's.

You should also check about putting a nest camera in your mom's room so you can at least see how she is being treated I'm her room.

Prayers that your mom gets what is Best for your Mom.
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Helenn Jun 2021
Letting him stay in his own home with 24/7 caregivers is very different
than bringing him into your home !!!
that said ... good private care homes
offer lots companionship with other residents and staff .. activities... entertainment... and your dad never alone staring at a caregiver all day ...
i’d choose good small private home with my own suite and bathroom.
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My only advice in this situation, is to think clearly and avoid any kind of disputes for any reason. The whole family will regret it when she's no longer here, and you can't take it back and fix it. Tell your siblings to act like adults, you do the same, and you'll be happy that you found a solution peacefully rather than squabbling over something that COULD be resolved peacefully. Do it for your mother's sake, and peace. Best of luck!
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So sorry that caring for Mom has become a tug of war.

Since you and your husband are the caregivers that are burning out, set a reasonable date to move Mom in a memory care facility.

Since a sibling has power of attorney, work with this person to find a memory care unit as Mom's new home: 1 - that Mom can afford and that will accept Medicaid if needed, and 2 - meets the standard of care (look online for your state/province's standards), and 3 - that makes it easy to visit Mom. Mom's finances are to care for Mom and not about providing an inheritance. This is why the person with the power of attorney needs to make these arrangements.
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Unbelievable how many children concerned with their inheritance
over care of parents !!!!
it’s your dad’s money and should be all spent on his comfort and then some !!!!
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Oh, the inheritance issue! Especially for those who aren't doing the work.

Inheritance is the 'leftover' of what mom doesn't need while she is alive. It's her money. I bet at least once in her/your dad's life, mom said she was saving for her old age. Well, old age is here and sounds like she funded quite well for her future medical needs.

There are two choices for the hold-out sibling. Use the money for facility care because current caregiver is worn out - or- sibling takes mom to her house and tries to save mom's money (just has been the financial arrangement while mom lived with you). If sibling agrees, then tell her if there comes a time she needs in-home health care for mom - y'all are agreeable to that. If she decides memory care is best - y'all are open to that as well. Sibs agreement to try and keep mom out of facility care is an option now. The facility/home health care conversation can be revisited if needed in the future.

Elder care advocate/financial advisor: Ask sibling if she has other recommendations - second opinion is not a bad thing, but remind sibling how much was spent for the initial consultants. Remember, the money belongs to mom, so no harm/no foul to get a second opinion if that would resolve issues with the sibling. You might find sib has no recommendation and/or doesn't want to spend more money for another opinion. Might have just been a roadblock on her part.

Give sibling the two options. If you're tired, make sure sib understands that your house is no longer an option. Sib takes over the care or mom goes to one of the nice facilities you found. Sib can check on her at facility and if not happy with the care - another family meeting.
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lmb1234 Jun 2021
Excellent, concise and in my opinion, on target advice.
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First always go by the food-- visit each ALF at lunchtime-- usually the fare is SYSCO-- and every year the facility hires a new cook to figure out new ways to prepare the same food... Gordons is better food.. look for Gordons company-- trilogy health services was one conglomerate that uses Gordons...
Then check the entertainment director and his or her resources,, room and all-- do they use a TV too often as a baby-sitter? And look at the Nurses station in the main lobby-- do the staff sit around "doing paperwork" or are they up and about checking on all the people in the facility-- are there enough CNAs to go around-- how many will show up for breakfast duty? or is there just one to get all the people up, dressed, cleaned up for breakfast?
THE POA is going to have to do his or her homework and make wise choices-- legally speaking-- it is imperative and binding-- the responsibility goes both ways. AND-- anywhere you go it will cost an arm and a leg.. so choose wisely. Also be aware that many CNAs are quite inexperienced and do contribute to elder accidents by their basic ignorance. In older times-- community and families living under one roof-- kept people more aware of elder safety issues-- but fewer families do that anymore and kids are just not aware of such issues and all the responsibilities. And Jr Colleges cannot teach that-- that comes with OJT. ALSO-- make sure the facility manager/director is old and wise enough... and not a bimbo... good luck.
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DugganB Jun 2021
Check into various resources like the aid and attendance program through Veteran Affairs -- in Madison WI -- that is available if her husband served in the military during the wartime eras-- like Vietnam or Korea, your senator can help-- all MOM has to do is qualify for 3 ADLs-- daily needs-- like getting dressed, eating, bathing, anything she needs help with via a CNA or charge nurse. The normal amount she will receive is like $1144 now I believe-- which can be applied to the room and board..
I did forget to mention-- a private room is so much more expensive but a shared room is a real pain since many of the residents will be going through greater decline and could be a real bad experience for Mom-- many of them since they cannot remember what belongs to them tend to be thieves to the N-th degree-- and there is no reasoning with them-- waste of time-- some eventually get moved to nursing homes.. BEST advice-- keep an eye out for places where the level of apathy is high.. good luck.
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Glad to see the monster in the room, the inheritance, discussed openly.
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I am an only child who's been managing 'my $400K inheritance' for the past 7 years. I am calling it 'my $400 inheritance' in quotes b/c it's NOT my inheritance. It's my parent's money that they've worked hard for their entire lives and signed over to me to manage FOR them when they lost their ability to do so themselves. At that time, I could have pocketed the funds and moved them into my home to take over their care myself. Or, I could have placed them in Assisted Living where they would get GOOD quality care 24/7, which is what I did. Dad died a year later and my mother is now 94+ and living in Memory Care AL which costs upwards of $7K per month after it's all said and done. I'm STILL using HER money, or 'my inheritance', to pay for her dementia care in MC until her money runs out. At which time I will apply for Medicaid to finance her care in Skilled Nursing.

That's what I have to say about inheritances before they're actually inheritances. How dare 'children' even discuss such a thing or decide how their parents should be taken care of based on the inheritance they will or will not get as a result?

Disgusting.

Your 'one sibling' who's so worried about 'his inheritance' should be doing ALL the 24/7 caregiving for your mother who's suffering from dementia, all alone, with NO HELP at ALL. ONLY then will he begin to understand what you've been going through all this time and what a Godsend Memory Care AL really is. He'd gladly give up 'his inheritance' in a heartbeat if he was saddled with this task, I guarantee it. It's really really easy to have his attitude while doing NOTHING in the caregiving department, or having no responsibilities for his mother's daily care and management.

Drop mother off on his porch for a week and then ask him what he'd like to do next.

Wishing you the best of luck getting everyone to make the RIGHT decision for your mother's care moving forward.
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Debstarr53 Jun 2021
You are SO right. My sister who lives in another state and does nothing but slander everyone, called me greedy because my older sister and I are getting paid to care for mom. Either we get paid now, or it will go to a facility later on. The money is for mom's care, no matter who does the care.
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Hi BetterB

“Making this decision has torn our family apart as the one sibling doesn’t trust the elder care advocate and financial advisor hired by the sibling with power of attorney.”

Perhaps you could say more about this distrust. Is there an alternate advisor that could be brought in or could this one provide references that could be contacted?
To say that someone’s distrust is tearing the family apart, that’s pretty strong distrust to overcome.

Maybe a mediator would be helpful?

I recently discovered a brief model of therapy focused on solutions rather than the problem.

Read a little about this here. Check out the blog as well. It might be a thought starter for your family.

https://solutionfocused.net/what-is-solution-focused-therapy/

The immediate idea (to me) would be to get you and hubby some rest right away. Respite for mom or a mom-sitter to come in at night and keep mom company while this is sorted out.

I’ve often read of Med modification when someone goes into care. So perhaps a partial solution would be to obtain the help of a geriatric psychiatrist to take a look at moms meds now? When she goes into MC would the expectation be that her meds wouldn’t be adjusted? Little by little many of the things that aren’t done at home are done when a person goes into a facility.

Predictable next steps have to be taken to get the patient from one stage to the next regardless of where they live. In addition the family has to make adjustments. Not everyone is ready at the same time. We recently had a hospital bed brought in for DH aunt, 94 with dementia. I was really dreading it. Turns out. she loves her bed. She can get up so much easier now. It was me who needed to catch up, not her.

Years ago aunt was out zooming around in her little car. When it was obvious there was a problem, the car had to go. She once told me, I walk these floors with my Gun in hand. Yikes. I had to get that gun immediately. As time went by, different problems surfaced that didn’t have such obvious solutions. Each time I think, should I place her now? How long will her money last? How will she manage another hurricane season? The list goes on as life unfolds. Each problem requiring it’s on solution. As caregivers burn out, only one solution comes to mind. Let the professionals manage it and that can be the best idea overall but if the caregiver had help all along, there would be less burnout.

Wishing you peaceful days and nights ahead regardless of where your mom lives. Have POA hire another layer of help while they work it out.
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Have you asked the inheritance seeking sibling if they want to take mom to live with them? That would save the money for inheritance. If not, the rest of you just have to do what is best for mom & you.
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BetterB Jun 2021
Thank you Debstarr53,
yes the sibling was asked they would take on caregiving duties. They researched 24/7 caregivers to find the cost to be over some of the MC centers. So that idea was scrapped.
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I have no idea how big your family is but you do have a husband and you are both the prime caregivers. Call a meeting and have ALL members present. If possible, try to have a professional "mediator" in at the meeting. Present all facts, pro/con. When all is said and done, you must make a majority decision and I see you two as having the most clout as you are the caretakers. Determine who, if anyone, pays for this and if medicaid, etc. is available. You need full facts and everyone must know them and hear them at one time. Who is the power of attorney? Have you talked to an eldercare attorney for input? Please do this - set boundaries and make others share in the burdens. Sometimes situations like this will tear the families apart but do you want a relationship with family members who cause so much trouble? I would not.
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Another consideration is the transition to Medicaid, Medicaid waiver if your state has it. We choose a place the was nice, close and also has LTC and has 25% Medicaid beds. Mom wanted to be near us if the time came. Having aunts (17 years in AL/MC/LTC) and other family friends go through the process, the Medicaid waiver can be longer and seemed to take more effort. Some had a year waiting list. The current MC/ LTC told us to let them know about 4-5 months for the need for Medicaid and need would assist with the transition. You would rather not move her again. Many places prioritize their internal clients for Medicaid openings. The place we chose was not on our list 2 years ago because the preferred one stopped doing LTC at that facility and would have meant moving her again to a place much farther away.
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This post should also be a caveat for children of elderly parents to not give up their jobs or income producing years caring for saif parents. Simply because the reality is that when you are old chances are good you will wind up in some medicaid paid he'll hole when you can no lin her live at home. The universe is a real comedian when it comes to life and doesnt care how altruistic you are in life in regards to giving you a helping hand.
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Imho, as the primary caregivers, you require respite through any means possible to be able to get restorative sleep.
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Remind person the sibling that is concerned about the cost, that the money, etc. belongs to mom & she should be placed in the MC unit that is best suited for her. That's the decision for the POA to make. Unfortunately she won't have the freedom to continue her walking unless they'll allow her to walk with a family member. Might want to consider this when finding a place for her. Maybe the POA should listen to each of you for the reason of where & make the best decision that she can. Or have a family meeting to discuss this. She is her mom's POA for a reason.
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