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Hi OzarkOlly. Reading Your story is heart breaking, and yes You are exhausted. What a shame it is OUR SIBLING'S leave it all fall on Our shoulders.
Try to get care help in to relieve You three mornings weekly to allow You some free time for You. You will need to take a good long break before returning back to work, but for now take one day at the time.
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Mom is with late stage vascular dementia...She is not the problem it is the family dynamics...Emotional support instead of disengagement...Edification would be appreciated...Genuine heartfelt appreciation for mom and I...It is not too much to ask...oh, maybe a call or skype sometimes...maybe a visit or suggestion to come for holiday without my bringing it up first...maybe stop the head games..just simply love....
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Stellah, it is family dysfunction that does many of us in. Have you checked out some of the stories on the dysfunctional thread?https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm?cpage=0&cm=538505&utm_source=Notification&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Discussion#538505

What we all need to learn to accept is that even our families attimes will not and frequently refuse to provide any of the love and support that would help us, especially sibs. Why? Maybe they feel guilty? Is it easier for them to simply distance themselves from the situation? Is it too difficult for them emotionally to see the parents decline? Just some things to think about.
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wow ozarkolly....you've been thru ENUFF!! the reason you don't feel guilty about placing your mom is because you have HIT THAT WALL...and now you move forward to make your next decision because you have to!!! place your mom in a rest home. Take one day at a time...it's OVERWHELMING when you try to plan your future when you're FRIED!! Once you place your mom...SLEEEP! When you pass the hurricane, you will be of sound mind again...and will see a much BRIGHTER future! Don't think it could ever be worse for you than it is now! Take care...keep posting!
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Dear Olly,
OMG, I can relate. You are not alone. I am the only child of my 92 year old mother who has moderate Alzheimer's dementia. Things are getting way out of control and she shows open disdain and hatred for me. I can't take it anymore and I am entrusting her care to an assisted living/memory care facility in one week.
As one nurse to another and one caregiver to another, change your situation SOON! Your letter is screaming for RELIEF.
From Wikipedia (you KNOW this but seeing it in writing may help);
Chronic stress is the response to emotional pressure suffered for a prolonged period over which an individual perceives he or she has no control. It involves an endocrine system response in which occurs a release of corticosteroids. While the immediate effects of stress hormones are beneficial in a particular situation, long-term exposure to stress creates a high level of these hormones that remains constant. This may lead to high blood pressure (and subsequently heart disease), damage to muscle tissue, inhibition of growth, suppression of the immune system,[1] and damage to mental health.
Can you see what it's doing to YOU? You can't kill the caregiver while assisting the demented. Your mother is at the end of her life but you have half a lifetime yet to live.
As daughters (then women and nurses), we are taught to always put the other person/patient ahead of ourselves. Many of us come from dysfunctional and codependent families and it's even more ingrained there. We are "programmed" to care for others. Society even puts in their two cents by expecting us to be the caregivers. We are bombarded from all sides.
Now comes the hard part, getting rid of the GUILT for NOT doing it. There should BE no guilt for placing your loved one in a stable, secure, nurturing facility where there are THREE shifts of caregivers to assist your family member.
Also, take one step at a time. Don't worry about returning to your nursing job right now. Find a suitable place for your mom and move her there. Block out guilty feelings by whatever means you can (I don't mean a bottle of wine every night :), but meditation, praying, reading, massage, visiting friends, relaxation breathing, etc. Realize that you gave it your ALL and, by placing your mom in others' care, does NOT mean you've FAILED. You successfully helped her to this point for the last 1,825 days!! Now it's someone else's turn because you need to nurse YOU back to good health.
You are looking at returning to work while still BEING a caregiver. There would be no way to do the two jobs at once. It's a possibility that, after your life has been returned to you and you are relaxed, the nursing job won't SEEM like care giving anymore. It could be the way it was prior to caring for your mom. There are some good suggestions above that would also take you out of "direct patient care".
Too many of us are loosing our health, marriages, relationships with children and friends, jobs, savings and sanity due to this thankless job. We've done the best we can.
The fifth commandment is Honor thy father and mother. To honor is to treat with respect, to do what's right for them. At this point, placing your mother is right for her. She will be well attended to by people who aren't near mental collapse.
Good luck and I'll be praying for you.
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it seems to me that you are comparing caregiving for your mother to the caregiving role you have as an RN. When we put mom into memory care FINALLY... About 3 years after we should have, but daddy just wouldn't allow us to, due to his selfishness. Poor mom he kept her there and just told her to be quiet and sit down all the time. We were there for her to bathe her etc... But the minute we put her into the facility... A beautiful facility... Very expensive but worth it... It felt like ten thousand pounds was lifted off our shoulders. We were able to really laugh for the first time in years. It made an enormous change in our lives for the better. Of course our elation was short lived because daddy suddenly became a toddler at age 87 and expected everything to be done for him by my husband- otherwise known as the magic fairy- I really think you will be surprised when you make the transition with your mom, how much your attitude will change. You can't possibly make the decision in your current position. I would not rule out going back to work at this point. Once you take care of the situation that is zapping you of all of your energy, everything will seem a little bit brighter and much more simple. and everyday it's a little bit better, a little bit lighter. Its like the wall in boot camp, or so I hear from my husband the Marine... It's like the longest day...you feel like you are drowning, and simply can't make it and suddenly you realize there are a whole team of caregivers taking care of Mom. We had an amazing experience with Eskaton. I hope you will be able to take the necessary steps to get to that point. It was the best feeling I had had in years. I wish you the best going forward. Sincerely, finished
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I am so sorry you are going through so much. As you know you need to keep yourself healthy now and care for the burn out. I am burnt out now myself. It helps to connect with others who understand. I am sure that when the time comes you will work out what is best for yourself regarding your career either with current work and/or whole new chapter.
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Hi Ozark, how about being a school nurse? No real problems, just mainly kids with stomach-aches and skinned knees. It will also give you plenty of adults to talk to and a change of pace from caring for your mom. I feel your pain, as Bill Clinton used to say! You're probably like burnt toast so the least thing hurts you. I really do sympathize. There were times, when I took care of my mom, that I was just so sensitive to everything a GD@#$ commercial could make me cry! Please try and get out in the fresh air and just breath! Blessings to you, Lindaz
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