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Why are you separating them? Not judging, just exploring all options.

Having both parents go to the same facility is an ideal plan, imo, if done early, or at least timely, like Windyridge had done with his parents.

Because, I observed a couple separated by their adult children, (with best intentions); one went with to live with one daughter, the other with a son who put their diabetic mother in an independent senior apartment, without services. The husband thrived, the wife was dead within two months. It was the husband everyone was concerned about. The mother ended up being neglected because she seemed to be more functional. It was the husband calling to check on his wife of over 55 years together that alerted family to the problem with his wife not answering. So very sad for all. Even so, all couples and their families ability to give care are different.

Unnecessary death, imo. Even dysfunctional couples have mutual bonding that covers their disabilities. The husband's role was to remind her, care for her.
Even though the wife had outbursts (common mood changes with diabetes);
she might have improved in a facility with the proper care. If not, they could have been separated once at the facility. imo.

Family is right to carefully consider all options for keeping their parents together. imo.
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canonlylaugh Dec 2020
I understand what you're staying, but she needs to be in a facility, she can't be taken care of by non-professionals anymore. My dad would be in the vicinity and really he would rather die that be in a factility. Not to mention both of them in a facility would be astronomically expensive and they can't afford it, really. He'll get there soon enough, just not yet. He'll be visiting regularly however.
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Good for you for having made one of the most difficult and painful decisions in this process.

In your situation, I’d figure out someone to blame. Their doctor might work as the target.

You can start with “The doctor’s office called and they need you to take a brief physical, or they’ll cancel your insurance”. This will hopefully get them out of the house. From there, it’s “The doctor asked us to meet at (............)”. That gets you to Mom’s new residence.

When Mom gets into the new residence, set her INSIDE, letting the medical transport personnel bring her inside. When she sees you, introduce some of her care personnel say “We love you dearly. These nice people have been waiting to meet you, and they will help you get used to your new surroundings and take good care of you”. Hugs all around, let the staff take over, THEN LEAVE. Don’t look back, or listen to her protests. (Second hardest thing in the process).

Dad’s situation, arrive at his new home, brother greets him at the door, you all make a limited time visit, say you have to go to a meeting, LEAVE. This will be harder for the home owner but ultimately it’s the only way to help Dad accept the finality of his move. HOME OWNER can say “you need to stay here while (the house is painted, until the bad weather is over, until the electrical system is replaces - something plausible but light on the detail).

These tactics may sound cruel, unethical, dishonest..... but I have had the unfortunate (but loving) responsibility to have become The Family Caregiver for at least 5 decades, through 7 dementia/broken bone/stroke Loved Ones, and I have learned that this is the most painless, but still painful, way for everyone involved.

The majority of us here have been through this. Your feelings and concerns are understood here. Your primary, loving concern is SAFETY. You aware that this must be done. Once there has been a period of adjustment, you will visit, and monitor how things are going. You can call Mom’s placement within a day or two of her arrival and get a report on how she’s doing, or the facility may have a format for separating after admitting. If they don’t tell you, ask them. Everyone is stretched because of the pandemic, but they will want the separation to be as easy as possible.

You love your Mom and Dad, and it is very clear that you do. Be at peace with what you’re doing.
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Dad had Parkinson's and had severe mobility problems. Mom has dementia and was insistent that he get back up after the evening caregiver left. We had cameras but couldn't watch 24/7. My sister-in-law called at 6 a.m. and said Dad apparently had fallen and Mom had him covered with a blanket, sitting by him. We went over and although he looked and seemed unhurt, we called ambulance and had him admitted because he was not at his normal baseline mentation. Had already asked for hospice consult for Dad the week before so hospice nurse did intake while he was admitted. He went back home and the same problems ensued. Tried raising the bed and unplugging it so Mom couldn't lower it but she figured out how to lower the rails. We had decided to move Daddy to my house in the near future while my brother and sister-in-law would be able to be there to calm Mom down, but we had to move faster than that timeline. We had an ambulance transport Daddy to our house. Neither knew it was going to happen. Since Daddy was in hospice, we had the nurse, chaplain and social worker there when it happened.

Brother and his wife arrived that afternoon. Sister also went over (I was at my house with Daddy, didn't want to face Mom's wrath). Mom was throwing Daddy's belongings out on the porch thinking that he chose to go live with his favorite daughter (what she always said - HE never once said I was his favorite, lol).

By the end of the week, my mother decided she was going to go live out of state with my brother and his wife. Only stopped by our house because we had her meds. Daddy had lost his ability to speak for the most part but got a few angry sounds out (Mom's bottom line was and still is money) when Mom said that they couldn't afford to move Daddy by ambulance. Lucky for us, after much begging, Mom decided to move in with us instead of moving out of state. Even better, she doesn't remember the event at all!

It will be horribly difficult on everyone involved. If your father is the irritable/angry/loud type be prepared for a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, begging, bargaining, etc. Since your Mom is being transported by medical personnel, they will have to listen to her, but hopefully someone will be present when she arrives to calm her down since she will probably be super-agitated.

Since your father is semi-accepting of the move, maybe it won't be as bad.

When my mother-in-law's friend (in his 90s) companion had to be moved from her house because he was taking too much of a toll on her, we called his son to come get him. He had no idea anything was happening until his son showed up at 8 a.m. and started packing his belongings to take with him to another state. He had early stages of dementia and mentally declined rapidly but outlived my mother-in-law by several years.

So, it sounds like your parents may end up very unhappy with the move, and it may cause a physical and/or mental decline and perhaps a rift in your relationship with them and/or each other, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. My heart goes out to you. Please keep us posted on how it works out.
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Can only,

I didn’t like fibbing either but there was no other way I could get anything done for my guys. The carpet cleaner was an old football buddy, the visiting nurse was an old girlfriend and so on. All these folks just happened to stop by ya see. Otherwise no one would have been allowed in the house. I have absolutely no guilt about it.

Having said all that the transition to facility care was a big hot mess for quite awhile, dad looking for his car all day and mom refusing to cooperate with anyone. I had to keep telling myself that at least they were safe. And they were eating like field hands after subsisting on cereal for the last couple years.
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I had a similar situation but reversed, mom was a mobility and health problem and dad had dementia and having all the elder crisis trying to live at home. In my case it took the er trip after mom fell. I had a place on standby and they took mom right from the hospital.

With mom who was a little more “with it” I had to use the THIS IS JUST TILL YOU GET BETTER fib. With dad who was very confused at this point, I’d take him to have lunch and dinner with mom at the assisted living and told him MOM REALLY NEEDS YOU TO STAY WITH HER AND HELP HER. Moved him in after 3 days.

Also had to fib that insurance covered the cost, not to worry.

I think with your guys you might try a modified “fib”approach instead of head on.

Good luck.
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canonlylaugh Dec 2020
I like especially those ideas, especially "you can be near mom to help her" since siblings house is near by. Mom doesn't have a memory longer than 2-3 minutes, so we can try the fib with her too. I don't like to do that, but well I understand that that's what it might take!
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To be clear, I'm not asking about housing options, we already have a place for them. I'm referring to how to physically remove them from the house and get them into the car (him) and medical transport (her).
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KaleyBug Dec 2020
When we moved my mil in with us, we took a small trip (in your case it could be a ride). When we got to our house we said why don’t you just spend the night with us. (For you, you could let your mom think this was a one night stay maybe). Every few days mom would say I think its time to go home. I would make some excuse like Its late lets wait till tomorrow or the house is having work done lets wait. Or we were hoping you would visit for a few more days. It worked for 5 years. With dementia they forget quickly how much time has passed. Just realize once you place mom, especially during covid, your contact is limited and her well being checks by you are pretty much non existent. Mom mom who was able to stay with dad until she passed at 95 had a few stays at various rehabs that where mixed in with assisted living facilities. Two were top of the line and thought to be the best. None are what they say they are. In the best facilities during rehab mom developed the worse bed sores I had ever seen. She never had them at home because we used Destin as a prevention. Her glasses and hearing aides were rarely put in or on. I found a nasty pooped bed pan in her laundry bin. The staff did this I know and not my mom because each time mom was bed ridden with breaks. When I was there mom would press the nurse button to use the toilet and no one would come. When they did come they would say I need to get help I will be back and it would be another hour before anyone returned. Then they had the nerve to say mom was incontinent. For my mom last 5 years for 2 breaks and one heart surgery she went to rehabs for 6 weeks each time. Dad would drive to her rehab daily to visit and spend the whole day to be with mom. If you and the family think you can no longer manage your parents care with them together be prepared for quick declines by both once separated. My dad 97 just loss my mom 95, married for 76 years. He is still mentally competent but I am seeing a physical decline and some depression. He misses her terribly. Best of luck to you and your family with your decisions that you make.
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