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"Their profuse thank-yous aren’t cutting it anymore."
I HATE the profuse thank yous as well as the you're so specials and numerous other variations used to try to make you feel good about what you are doing so you will keep on doing them.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
SO TRUE.

(Ventingisback)
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When I got to this rant - overload -overwhelmed stage & found a councellor, I was asked to consider;

1. Write it all down.
All the tasks I was performing with or for my LO.

2. Then go de-stress. Take a walk, a warm bath, treat myself to a coffee out somewhere.

3. After moving from react & rant mode, get curious. Start asking myself WHYS? Why is this so stressfull? What do I feel? Is this resentment? Why?

It was pointed out to me that resentment was a normal reaction to giving too much.
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WearyJanie Jul 2023
Beatty, this is really, really helpful. “Resentment is a normal reaction to giving too much”— that is exactly how I feel. When her own children give nothing at all, and push it onto me with no thought, it means I am being used. Perhaps it’s time for me to see a counselor. The resentment is not going away on its own. :(
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It sure can be crazy! At her age, it seems pretty ridiculous too. My mom has RA and sees a rheumatologist and they try to get her to go every 3 months as well. I said NO. I take her if there's an issue or once a year so they'll keep prescribing her meds. Same thing with her PCP. I refuse regular follow up visits. SOOOO unnecessary and such a waste of time and money. Even though it's "covered by insurance". So figure out why she really is going to these appointments and start canceling ones you think are unnecessary.

It's not right that your husband won't do anything for his mom. Come on! I he doesn't care, why should you?

It's good that IL is taking her to appointments but it's unfortunate that no one is there to help her make decisions, etc. I used to let my mom go to routine appointments like getting her toenails cut but anything that needed information, since she has dementia means she could not give them consistent and true answers to their questions nor make decisions about what's next.

Good for you for telling them that MIL will have to move near sister when it's time.

Good luck.
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graciekelli Jul 2023
Same for me. My mom loves doctor's appointments and getting new medications. It's like a hobby for her. Even though my mom has stage 3 dementia I make her Dr's office arrange for the transportation that is paid for through medicare. I think she gets like 35 round trip doctor's visits a year. If there are any concerns or decisions that need to be made, they call me after the appointment.
(4)
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Welcome. Rant away!

A good rant can sort of some feelings.
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Let your SIL know that as of XX date you'll be completely done taking her Mother to any more appointments. You don't have to give any excuse (or else she might try to negotiate something). Just say you don't want to do it any more. Maybe give her some leads for transportation options or her county social services. I would not consider Uber or Lyft or taxis for a vulnerable person unless she went with a companion.

You've done yeoman's work, so be happy about that and not guilty for retiring. Now go take care of yourself!
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WearyJanie Jul 2023
"You don't have to give any excuse (or else she might try to negotiate something). Just say you don't want to do it any more."

Yes, this is what I run into. They just say thank you more, tell me how wonderful I am to do this for their mom, suggest MIL buys me lunch while we are out--anything but get involved themselves. And this is really the rub. I come from a family where we DID all work TOGETHER on difficult problems like this. No one ever took advantage. It has taken me many years to understand that DH's family is not like this at all--offering help puts me in the position of being their servant, in their eyes. While they wouldn't express it this way, in reality they have found a sucker who is willing to do the grunt work while they all do things that are SO much more important with their days.

I won't do Lyft or Uber--I know that's not a good solution, and for the sake of being a good role model for my kids, I will try to be the grown up in the room and find a workable solution for MIL. But the solution will no longer be me!
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Hello WearyJanie...I hear you!
I think it's ridiculous how predatory the healthcare industry is with our elders. They seem to assume their elderly patients (and their advocates) will accept without question as many tests and "follow up" appointments as they deem necessary. I agree... it is out of control.
And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy.
Seems like a pretty good scam to me.
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WearyJanie Jul 2023
This is really the biggest piece of it here!!! They HAVE become predatory. There is no longer a doctor to tell the older patient it is time to stop chasing after something you can never have again--your youth.

Also the compartmentalization of doctors and services. For MIL's rheumatologist, there are four infusions each year. Each infusion requires a separate visit to a lab for blood work. If the blood work is off, or if MIL gets sick, another lab visit is required. Medicare no longer allows the doctor to do her "doctor visit" at the same time as her infusion, so those are a separate visit as well. So right there, for just one of her routine therapies, we have about 12 trips to doctors and labs. ALL the things are like that.

"And if you question any of it, including any of the medications they want to keep them on so they can all live to be 140 years old, they get rather huffy."

This is so on point! So they can all live to be 140. Someone commented that over 30% of caregivers die before the people they are caring for. And beyond that, I will almost certainly be moving into a place of ill health, as will my hubby, before MIL is gone. Time for us all to stop trying to cheat death.
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