Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Oh, for crap sake! Send a thug to the hospital to get rid of your BIL and his wife! They will - if haven't already - take away any impact of all the work, effort you and your hubby have already done. The hospital SW, discharge planner and attending dr are all skipping around your fathers chart, breaking into a happy dance. Yeah!!! A unwitting sucker to pass the buck to!!! Have you asked BIL his plan for providing 25/7 care?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Shan, I don't want to complicate the situation, but someone should contact the agency providing home care and PT and make sure you're comfortable with them. Sometimes you can tell just by whether they seriously answer your questions or respond with pre-programed marketing responses.

You have a right to choose your own home care agency. If you have a trusted doctor, ask one of his staff - I got recommendations from one of the best doctors we've had.

I also made some decisions based on interviews with home care reps; the last one was probably not a good choice; only the PT'ist and speech therapist were any good.

Babalou raises an excellent point on the hospital's incompetency Dx but now they're pushing him out the door. That inconsistency is unexplainable and inexcusable. Use that to your advantage.

Hospital staff often can be hard to reach, so add a touch of emergency to your voice mail message, something to the effect that you're trying to work the situation out in a manner that's best suited for FIL without having to bring in outside sources (hint, hint) to intervene.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Shan, hope you and DH are hanging in. Let us know how you are.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Bab, Rainmom, GA, you guys ROCK, and would want to all to be fighting in My Corner, should I ever need you! And who knows, someday I might!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Anytime, staceyb - anytime!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Yup, Staceyb. I think this is a pretty reliable system we've got going here, where someone is always around in a crisis. I can remember last time mom was in the hospital, sitting on the floor of her room, typing furiously and getting fabulous advice from, I think Jeanne and Churchmouse. Whoever is around gets the job done!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi everybody. I hope I am not being a pest. BUT- we have called Adult Protective services- no return call, we have taken him to revisit the nursing home, he was again belligerent and tried to negotiate with them, they called us this morning to inform us that they can't take him back for fear that he would be too disruptive. He is his own worst enemy. He wasn't home more then 2 hours when he was calling us all despondent and weepy and now he wants us or someone to be there 24/7. Any advice? We are, of course trying other nursing homes. We called his doctor because he was threatening to hurt himself. The Dr. called him back, and he passed whatever test the Dr. asked of him. He is smart enough to pass whatever test the hospital and Dr. give him, but we see a totally different person whenever we are with him. We are, quite literally, out of ideas. On another note- my husband just found out his prostate cancer has returned for the 2d. time, my BIL has Parkinson's, and just had the deep brain stimulation. We all need to try to get ourselves back to health, but feel a deep family commitment to help him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Someone needs to get FIL a full cognitive workup to determine if he's playing with a full deck and manipulating you all or is suffering from dementia and/mental illness.

At this point, tell him that you all have your own medical problems and that he needs to hire round the clock aides. With his money, of course. Staying at the NH for rehab short term and being cooperative would be much more economical for him, but if he's got dementia, the logic of this is gone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you. We have told him this numerous times.He says that they will be alright. His world has become smaller, and only includes himself. I have seen this before in the elderly. He has alienated my SIL so much that she has washed her hands of him, so right now we are it. His primary care physician doesn't believe there is anything wrong. We are in the process of sending some caregivers to his home to see if any pass his very stringent tests. We are going to send him to the hospital (another one) if this doesn't work out. We will have to abandon him if nothing else works out, though that will be very difficult to do. I am so thankful to all of you, you guys are truly a life saver. I also feel like my world has shrunk to this problem and only this problem. So I apologize if I am not giving enough credit to those of you who are helping. YOU ARE THE BEST. I will keep you posted
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Is his doctor a geriatrician? You really need a doc who is seeing him with fresh eyes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So, a year ago, would father in law have been so cavalier about the health issues of others? In other words, is this a long standing personality issue/disorder, or is this a change in his mental status. ?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Stacey, anytime, anyplace....just ask. Babalou, I'm smiling imagining your mother sitting on the floor communicating with Jeanne and CM!

Shan, listen to Babalou - get a geriatrician involved. Too many doctors who don't have this experience and insight don't pursue options that might offer explanations. I still can't help thinking there's a medical reason behind the change in behavior, but non-geriatricians can easily miss that possibility.

I've had 4 different PCPs for my father and found that none of them were capable of dealing with elder issues. No more. Geriatrician or nothing.

It also might be the time for an "either/or" talk. It's easy to become frightened of growing old, especially when there are so many changes and life becomes unsettling. And that's an easy slippery slope to preoccupations with one's self and what he needs, not how it's affecting the family. There's a kind of panic that sets in with the realization that life can change precipitiously as one ages.

You might just have to take the "we have our own problems" approach a step farther and make it clear that (a) you can't jump every time he needs something (b) he's a rational (hopefully) person and needs to recognize that his behavior has to met certain standards or his options are going to be much more limited, and unpleasant, and (c) more is accomplished by everyone working together than him working against you (d) you can't help him if he's going to be unyielding and fault-finding, and (e) no caregiver is going to meet his stringent standards, but if he wants the care, he needs to be flexible.

Even in other aspects of life, no one person is going to meet someone else's standards 100% of the time.

That might be the hardest point - he's probably running scared now and it's hard to get perspective.

I truly understand the sense that your vistas have shrunk to the caregiving issue. Sometimes I'll read articles, or look at photos, of national park sites, of beautiful pristine forests, of quiet beaches with waves lapping along the shore. Or read the news - the thought of a Trump presidency, or the slaughters in Syria, help me realize that there are far worse problems than I deal with in caregiving.

Seeing such magnificent sites as our national parks also helps clear my mind, and helps me realize that I'm but one person in a vast and complicated world, and that my problems and concerns are certainly serious, but not as difficult as those created by people who abandon and abuse this beautiful planet.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

shan, one thing to remember is that our elderly parents do not see us as seniors ourselves, to them we are still this fresh faced kid who can do anything. My parents were like that... I still remember them calling me to climb up a tall ladder when I was 68 years old, yikes... and they couldn't understand why I said "no".
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When you say he is WWII vet I am wondering if he did not experience some sort of PTSD type trauma in the med transport.
If the doctors have said he is not competent then I doubt any law suit will get very far since you are acting in his best interest.
I also suggest you contact the VA to determine if they can help through a program called VA Aid and Attendance this can provide more money that will help offset some of the expenses of the nursing home or assisted living.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The UTI suggestions are good. You say the home diagnosed him as incompetent. Was that in writing? Was it done in such a way as to be acceptable in a court of law? Also, it there a possibility that he spoke with another family member who put these thoughts into his head? A staff member? A fellow resident? With Dementia it is common for caregivers to be told to do one thing and then, when they do it, because the patient does not remember, they are accused of all manner of malfeasance. Often this occurs due to interference and encouragement from other family members. Good luck to you. Get a good elder care attorney.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Since the brilliant family member who let him go home probably isn't providing 24/7 care, Hire outside help 24/7. Use an agency so you don't have to worry about background checks,, taxes, etc. Walk away and go visit your mom and take care of yourself. Your dad will either come to grip with reality (doubtful) or just wait til the crisis and have him placed then. Whatever happens is no fault of your own. Do not let your dad continue to manipulate you with the lawyer thing. He thinks he is still an officer in the military. He is showing his incapacity
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Another suggestion is to get his records from his PCP just for backup in case this should turn uglier (lawsuit).
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

To me it looks like u did everything right. You had a doctor agree. He must have been evaluated by the home so u have their findings. How is he going to see a lawyer? I don't think u have anything to worry about.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I would strongly suggest that you investigate the anti-anxiety meds that they put him on and make sure they weren't anti-psychotics instead. We had a very similar incident with my Mom doing a complete 180 in the hospital because of these meds. Some people can't handle them. Mom became paranoid, angry and vulgar. This is from the sweetest woman you have ever met. She went from kind and soft spoken to raging and frightened. Once they weaned her off the anti-psychotics our real Mom reappeared. It's worth checking on. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

shan271: "Threatening to pierce his heart with a pair of scissors?" Good grief...that should have been a huge red flag. Anyone who threatens self harm is no candidate for a nursing home, but another establishment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter