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I think this is a common topic/ issue, and the term "Abusive Neediness" has been so well coined by @burnedcargiver, that it may warrant its own discussion. What are the various tools and techniques we can use? The ones I have learned so far are:



1) Setting STRONG boundaries and trying to stick to them consistently
2) Detailing out a full list of what they should do and who to contact with various scenarios including "perceived emergencies" (assuming they will remember these instructions
3) Trying to get some calls and complaints to go to other family members or caregivers, not just ourselves all the time
4) Just ignoring some calls/messages if necessary
5) Stepping completely away, for a short time, (or even permanently).



other tips/ techniques?

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ArtistDaughter, sorry to hear about your dad, that sounds like a horrible experience to go through.
It is nice to hear the example of supportive parents who because supportive grandparents to you and were also helpful to their own parents, and then the hard but successful caring for your Mom.
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Learn to say "No."

It is a complete sentence and requires no explanation or reason.
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Just a few things to consider....

Don't let them take over your prime of your life, after they have had theirs. Don't move in with them to be their only caregiver, and don't move them in your house either! Ask them in their 50-60's what they have planned for their elderly years?

Ask yourself what they have done for you out of pure generosity of their time and money, after you became an adult, say past the age of 30?

Ask yourself, when your parents were in middle age (40-50), did they jump in and take care of their own elderly parents? Did they pay for their parent's care? Did they quit their jobs to be their own parents' caregivers? Spend their retirement years moving their parents into their homes, thus sacrificing their own retirement years they worked for?

Never make any "promise" to never put them in a facility, especially if they try to pressure you. Tell them, "You need to figure that out yourself, None of us know what the future holds!"
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ArtistDaughter Feb 7, 2024
My parents did plenty for me past the age of 30. They were wonderful grandparents mainly. They helped me a little financially after my divorce. And they did take care of their parents, moving one grandmother in with them temporarily. But they planned well for their retirement, just didn't know my mom would get Alzheimer's. When my dad saw a future of nursing home coming up for him he took his own life. I really wish that had not happened or at least not the way it happened. And I did move in with my mom for about 4 years. Not a bad decision until it was. But I got back to my own house and got her caregivers. Still, I was involved daily with her care. I did not ever think to not take care of her, never thought I deserved anything more than what I was given to do - take care of my mother. But I didn't take care of myself as well as I could have. I did not consider my own health enough, and that I would do differently, but all in all, caring for my mom was the both hardest and the most meaningful thing I ever did in my life.
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