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It’s hard being a caregiver even if they do appreciate you. Not being appreciated is awful. I’m so sorry you are enduring this frustrating situation. My heart goes out to you. I lived it as well until I burned out.

Do whatever you need to do to have peace in your life. She has lived her life and you have done more than your share. She will have to adjust to boundaries that you set. If she refuses to accept boundaries and show respect to you, others can care for her. If you decide a facility is the best. Plan for this and have ZERO guilt because you aren’t doing anything wrong.

Best wishes to you and I hope you find all the peace and happiness that you deserve.
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Davenport Feb 2020
Same experience, NHWM. At 65, i had to leave every shred of "family" (2 sibs and mom) I [never really] had. My mind and heart are a mess. I stay on this site in my ongoing quest to heal and make any sense of it, if that's possible.
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I am caring for my disabled husband ... he is abusive ... verbal, antagonistic, threatening ... it doesn’t bother me anymore because it is “attitude” that is taking him down. So my attitude has bumped the game up! It’s a challenge ... so perhaps everything you are going through right now is preparing you for a dream bigger than you can ever imagine. Keep cool! 🌺🌺
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Easier said than done. Not everyone can do this. I’m glad you can. Hugs!
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You and I are living the same life. I look forward to reading responses. You have articulated this better than I would have. Thank you.
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No one deserves this.
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1. Set boundaries, and stand firm with them.

2. Never tolerate or reward bad behavior. If they behave badly, tell them it was nice visiting, their behavior is unacceptable, and you are leaving now. Leave promptly.

3. If they feel your time is worth nothing, confirm that they are right, only when you feel like doing nothing. And that right now, you feel like doing nothing, for them, or for yourself.

My father is narcissistic. Passive Aggressive. When I reached burnout point after 7 years, I decided that my health was more important that Dad's. Dad's life is coming to an end. You can't fix a sinking ship, it becomes self preservation, so you have to let the Captain go down with his sinking ship. Taking care of him was shortening my life, with zero compensation, while I was already retired. 2 siblings that did nothing to help. Nothing!

I reached a point that it became clear that I needed to take more care of me, of #1. My father was rarely "there" for me the whole time I was growing up. He's always been cheap, a product of growing up during the depression.

Everyone that has ever worked for him has quit, due to his unrealistic expectations. I am now no different. He now pays to be taken care of. He hates it, I warned him of the consequences of thinking my time was worth nothing, that no one works for free. Being all knowing, he thought he knew otherwise. He was wrong. He'll never admit it.
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Zdarov Feb 2020
This is a good story, god for you!
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To anyone that has recognized their parents won’t change,

You’re smart. You realize that she won’t change. I wasn’t as smart. I was really dumb in thinking that I could persuade my mom of things. It took me so long to figure out that I was beating a dead horse.

I wasted so many years that I can never get back. Oh, the blame should not all go to my mom. I didn’t listen when people wisely told me to take a break.

But mom did not pay for a caregiver to help. I should have paid for a few hours myself but I didn’t have a lot of extra money. My daughter is in college. I had to stop working to care for mom.

I was expected to do it all. By the time I knew about Council on Aging for 8 hours a month respite care I was already burning out.

You don’t have to be a martyr. Learn from us who tried it and it backfired big time!
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If she has been like this all your life she will not be able to change this is normal for her. Your best option is for you to change how you react to this treatment. It won't be easy as you too have developed this way of reacting as a habit as well. Try to bring in a third party for help doing some of the work, Share your feelings with that person there you might find some emotional and practical help. Be cause they can see the situation first hand may be able to make suggestions with far more insight.
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There isn't anything you can do. In all that you do, do it out of love. If you are looking for something in return you will always be disappointed. Doing it because it's the right thing to do is all that is required and needed.
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Find a therapist to help you.
I really don't mean to make light of the situation, step back think about what you're saying about your Mother for a few minutes.....

OK, now think about your teenage years....

Everything comes full circle 🤔🥴.

My moment of 'BACK AT CHA MOM', was my turn to tell her that if she didn't co-operate with the EMTs, I was going to get the safety strap and SPANK HER!! The EMTs said that was a first for them. Husband said that's nothing if it comes down to it because I was going to get her on the guerney.

Eeverything you're hearing and experiencing I'm sure you said about her to friends and out of ear shot.

We, as parents, will never forget what our daughter said about us not knowing we were standing around the corner, we still laugh about.

Our daughter has ALWAYS had an issue about getting her butt in gear if we were going somewhere. Didn't matter where we were going.
Husband had it, told her to get downstairs and in the car or we were leaving without her (she was in College!). He went to the back door, opened it and closed it so she could hear it.
She comes stomping downstairs, we were just around the corner in the kitchen. She called out for us of course, then we heard "Son of a b*tch! What a**holes damn it"! That's when we came around to face her and asked her to repeat what she said. Last time we heard anything like that 'IN FRONT OF US'.

How many times growing up did you 'wish' she were dead? How would she 'feel' if you committed suicide? Would it have been better if you 'were never born'?

No matter what anybody 'THINKS' we have ALL had these thoughts or said terrible language toward our parents. Some, like 2 of my siblings, go further to truly hurt parents. Getting pregnant and starting drugs were the thing in the late 60s early 70s for us.

You really should think about a therapist to help or you're going to mentally hurt herself. You love your Mother, but you need someone to HEAR you and HELP you as to the different ways to cope.

Yes, I have been seeing a therapist being the middle child (yes people, the middle child syndrome existes), now I am dealing with our Mom without any help from my siblings.

I'm doing everything possible to care for our Mom. I promised her when I was like 10 yrs old. I don't mind taking care of her (yes, I live out of State) and everything I can. I have a support line back home, Mom's 2 brothers she truly raised, to help me since I'm not there.

A therapist can also help you with contacts to call and evaluate Mom etc.

Breathe. Find your happy place in your mind and breathe. Yoga really helps the mind, truly. It will help with blood pressure too. I don't allow my blood pressure to be taken at the doctor's until I have Zenned first, then I let them.
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Mjustice98 Feb 2020
Excellent 🥰
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Is a parent supposed to show gratitude for caregiving? Is a child? How often do you see children thanking their parents for taking care of them.

As in most things, it's all about setting the proper expectations. I don't expect it so I'm not hurt if I don't get it. I'm just grateful whenever they don't make things too difficult.

That's the thing. Caregiving is all about the person being cared for. It's not about the caregiver. Not everyone is equipped for a situation like that. Caregiving is not for everyone.
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helenb63 Feb 2020
Too right it isn't! We don't expect gratitude exactly, just a bit less negativity and downright rudeness and not to be treated as an unpaid slave. It's almost funny coming from someone who used to obsess about manners and what people thought of her. Now she couldn't care less what anyone else thinks!

As it happens, our children do thank us surprisingly often for the love and care we gave them, which is immensely touching and reassuring.
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bpearl;

You need to understand that you will not change her attitude or outlook. She doesn't think about how any of what she says and does affects you. Some people can't empathize or understand other people's feelings.

"I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude."
This is very understandable. The only way to alleviate the hurt and pain from her behavior is to walk away from it when she starts and stand up to her. Refuse to accept what she says (and what family and friends relate/think) as truth. You know what you do and what you sacrifice for her, so anything others think or say is not important.

You say you make appts, pay bills, order supplies. Those can likely be done without interfacing with her and that's how it should be done. Don't expect any gratitude or appreciation, as she clearly isn't capable of it, at least not if you jump when she says jump. More than likely, even if you stand your ground she won't ever change, so it is best to not expect anything positive and just do what *must* be done and let everything else go!

Keep visits to a bare minimum, only being there when you must. You don't indicate her age or condition, so presumably she can "manage" on her own? If she requires some hands-on care, how often? Keep that to a minimum. If she is critical of any hands-on care, tell her she's right, you can't do it so she should hire someone who will do it right and leave.

If/when she becomes caustic or tells you to go home, go. Don't take calls or go back until there is something that *must* be done, not must in her mind, but absolute necessity. If she criticizes anything you do, have a list of people and /or companies handy to give to her and tell her she can hire the help she needs and leave.

It won't be easy, given a lifetime of this behavior, but be strong, be resolute and refuse to jump and refuse to accept her beratements. For those she "relates" these awful things to, set them straight and ask them NOT to relay this information. Getting it from mom is bad enough, you don't need to hear it again. You could tell them you do X, Y, Z for mom and she doesn't appreciate it. Ask if they think they can do better, and if so, tell them to have at it!! If they don't get it, don't take calls from them.


"If I ever try to share my feelings, she says "go home" and does not want to discuss it." There's no point in trying to share your feelings with her. She clearly doesn't care about how you feel! Hopefully you have or can find someone you can relate with and share your feelings with. If not, perhaps try counseling? Do NOT share anything about yourself with your mother - she isn't interested and only thinks about herself. It is bad enough to be the target of her negativity, there's no point in giving her a bulls-eye to aim for!

Remember - helping her CAN mean finding those who can do the things she needs done. It does not mean YOU have to tackle these "duties". Have a sit down and consider what you are willing to do and what someone else can do for her. Make a list, and stick to it! If anything on the list that you continue to do is criticized, find an alternative and cross that off the list!

As Daughterof1930 said "Just because she has an expectation of something doesn’t automatically mean you must meet that expectation."
The rest of her comment is applicable too. Determine what you will continue to do and use the time freed up to pursue your own interests and activities that make you happy and bring some sense of accomplishment! Certainly don't feel guilty for anything you choose to discontinue doing.
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I want to sincerely thank all of you for your support and responses. In the interim, I arranged to find a family therapist to meet with my mother and me. We met this past Thursday for the first time and she is going to return on Monday. I am still reflecting on the session.
I think you have to be courageous to seek therapy. I have worked with several throughout my life. This particular session felt like I had open heart surgery and they forgot to close up the patient. Still, I have often felt that way after a session as it exposes you raw to so many emotions and then they dismiss you until next week. I think it is a bit reckless and dangerous to leave us in that state. I have only had a couple of therapists where I enjoyed the session so much that we laughed so hard, it ached. I recall when I was living in NYC and after reading Bernie Siegel's book on "Love, Medicine, and Miracles," I reached out to the author for a recommendation. I phoned his secretary, Hilda and pleaded with her to connect me with a therapist that practiced a holistic technique utilizing the mind, body, and spirit connection to healing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TwAHC4q2K4

She did. I went. Felicia said she had to initially interview me to determine if we could work together. Later, after months of therapy and lots of giggles, I moved to the west coast. At our last session, I asked Felicia why she agreed to work with me. She said, "many people seek counseling but few are ready to change." She said, "when you came to see me, you were screaming." I knew she did not mean literally. Well, whether I did or not, this story always makes me smile. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for being there. Be kind to yourselves. Hugs.
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disgustedtoo Feb 2020
"This particular session felt like I had open heart surgery and they forgot to close up the patient."
I am hoping that doesn't mean this therapist is leaning on you as being the problem... They shouldn't be "judgmental", but it does happen. You aren't the source of the problem.

If not, then fingers crossed, maybe something good will come of it.
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Disgustedtoo, you are so right!!! Thank you for your spot on answer!! Your answer will help so many people including me!! I needed to hear that today and remember it!!!
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mine keeps getting lost, so it just isn’t meant to be posted.
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