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I think what's being missed here is the entire purpose of a forum. People come here for advice and advice is what they get, based on our personal experience with elder care and based on the very limited info we're given about your situation in general. It may not be the advice you're looking to hear, however, so you take what you like and you leave the rest, filing away the "useless" info for a later date. Today your loved one with dementia may be manageable, next week he may be flinging feces all over the house and that info you filed away may suddenly become useful.

As far as hospice goes, I've know elders under hospice care for 2 years. It's just another layer of care and comfort care provided to elders who have incurable conditions such as dementia and who are sick and tired of being schlepped back and forth to hospitals like cattle. The poking and prodding stops, which is a huge relief for many.

Years ago I wrote a weight loss blog. My message was simple and straightforward: If you want to lose weight, stay on the program and don't veer off of it. People would become so angry and hostile towards me for speaking my truth, or, what holds true for the vast majority of people trying to make a lifestyle change. Don't shoot the messenger. Don't take my advice, either, if you don't like it, but don't message me asking why the program isn't working and why you're so miserable. It's the pizza and chocolate cake causing misery, not "the program" you aren't following.

Forums are designed to be helpful but are not a one-size-fits-all approach to everything. If caring for dh is working for you at home, great. God bless you and good luck to you now and down the road. Facility life isn't for everyone, as home care isn't for everyone either.
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southernwave Jul 2023
Thanks for the great points. This is why I’m here. My mil is about to get some diagnoses and although things are ok currently with her at her house, I see what is about to happen.

I suspect we have been limping along all these years and I also suspect that it’s about to take a sharp nose dive down and fast. It makes my stomach have butterflies even thinking about it because she is going to want it all to land on me.

I have my own health issues and stress and a DH (her only child, child of a narc) who is never home and who has a stressful, fast paced, in demand career. He is at the top of his achievements and isn’t slowing down.

I’m sitting here seeing all of this and knowing I struggle to take care of myself and I’m looking around and there is no one else and I’m like….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

At least DH knows I won’t be able to care for her and he also doesn’t want her stress in our house.

She is uncooperative, difficult, sometimes mean, and super manipulative. She won’t assign POA. She won’t put either of us on her bank accounts. Etc, etc, etc.

Ive been sitting here off and on for about ten years reading and reading and reading to get advice, ideas and experiences.

Believe it or not, as recently as two years ago I thought it would be easier for all to move her into our house. I was the one suggesting it to DH. And remodeling the house to accommodate her! Thank goodness, I never told her that.

This has been a worthwhile discussion. I am grateful for it.
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Many feel facilities give them the hope everything is going to be all right.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Or that they will have more activity. Actually I have posted before that my bro (dx of probable early Lewy's dementia) did nothing but improve once he was "safe" in ALF and not worrying about bills, the roof, etc. He had so many fewer hallucinations; they were so troublesome to him and often brought on by anxiety. I have often posted, cover, that sometimes it is better for the senior as well as the caregiver.
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I think facility care is often the first suggestion is because cargiving is simply not sustainable for most individuals even higher earners.

The reality is not to come off like a jerk. If people had the money or options they were comfortable with they would not come to such a forum. Deep down I do believe most posters, and people who join support groups are seeking validation to a choice they have already made deep down.

Just my two cents.
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Why bother to ask a question if you don’t want opinions other than your own opinion? It’s great to hear various perspectives. I don’t see anyone dictating what should be done.

People who participate on this forum offer suggestions which may or may not be helpful. Take what is useful and toss the rest. What works best for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

I feel it’s important to be open minded about topics or views that are different from what you may have. That’s how we learn.

There really isn’t any reason to attack someone on a forum. I don’t have a problem with debating an issue in a respectful way. If you aren’t comfortable discussing it on a thread, then message a person to discuss it further.
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For me personally, I will suggest facility care because I nearly lost my mind being a full time caregiver!

If caregiving at home is a temporary situation, and used as a stepping stone to the next step, then it is fine. Otherwise, it becomes too much to deal with on a regular basis. Caregiving at home for years and years is extremely difficult.

People who have certain medical conditions like my mom did, Parkinson’s disease, will only get worse and they will end up needing more care than we can possibly provide.
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Scampie1 Jul 2023
I saw what happened to my mom when becoming a full time caregiver to a severely disabled child. Instead of the child moving forward in development, she remained a toddler even into her adult life. My mother became an alcoholic because she didn't have an outlet. Dad abandoned the family. Mom died and I was left to take care of my sister and my daughter. I found help and was able to have her placed in a group home. My daughter and I moved out the home.

Life was hard to maintain and as I look back, I don't know where I found the strength to work full time, go to college, raise a kid, housework and do other things. I was with my sister for three years after Mom died.
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KP, I may be an example of one of those who came to this site to find a way to get my mother out of my home. I made a mistake. I did not know the extent of her many mental and physical illnesses. I did not know that she kind disposition would quickly disipate into a nasty, lazy, mean spirited woman who was making both myself and my husband miserable. Not to mention my adult children who now didn't want to come and stop by for a visit because of "nasty grandma."

I wouldn't have successfully got my mother into AL without the help of all those who have given me recommendations and help. I also read posts of other caregivers who are frustrated, upset and miserable in what they took on. So, recommending a facility is an accurate response to those who just can't do it anymore.
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I suggest Hospice because I think many have the idea that it is for someone that is "actively dying"
My Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.
That is unusual. He did have "recertification" times.
As long as there is a Documented, Continued Decline a person can remain on Hospice.
The advantage for me was I got all the equipment that I needed to SAFELY care for him at home.
I go the support from the Hospice Team. I had a Nurse that came 1 time a week. I got a CNA that came 2 to 3 times a week. She helped shower him, ordered supplies.
I got the supplies that I needed briefs, gloves, ointments, absorbent under pads, medications were delivered tot he house each week. When he needed liquids thickened I got he product that I added to make liquids safe for him to consume.

I was/am lucky enough to have purchased a house that was built Handicap accessible so I have ramps into the house, no stairs to contend with, wide halls, wide doorways, roll in shower, open concept that made it easy to sue the equipment that I needed to and even before the equipment the house was safe for him to get around with his walker.

Now about facilities.
I said I would keep my Husband home as long as it was safe for HIM for me to care for him at home and just as important as long as it was safe for ME to care for him.
If it was no longer safe for either of us I would have had no choice but to place him. (he was a big man and if he tried to fight me or if I had not had the equipment that I needed I could have been hurt or he could have been.)
So for me Safety was my "line in the sand"
Many have other lines they will not cross for some it is incontinence.

Also please recognize that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. Some are much better care managers. And there is nothing wrong with that.

And unfortunately as I read here far more often than I would like to many have been physically, mentally, emotionally abused by the person they are "supposed" to care for. I am a firm believer that an abused person should not be expected to care for their abuser. (if they wish to that is their decision but I think it is adding to the emotional trauma)

So if you feel strongly that a person should remain in the home, if you feel that Hospice is not the right choice for you that is your decision.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Hospice is a fantastic suggestion!
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Another point people have to consider is and this is advice from my mentor. Cargiving is a binary choice of either you do it or you don't. His mother suffered from a TBI and his own words was 100% possible to care for his mother outside of placement. He just had no desire to become a caregiver. He wanted to remain a child. Placement allows people the option to just be the child. They hire a care manger or use an in-house one to handle the day-to-day and simply visit whenever they can or want to.

Caregiving in any capacity requires sacrifice, one not many truly understand what it intales. I know I did not. Personally I wish more professionals we ran into spoke highly of placement. I am on the side of the coin. People giving us a hundred and one ways how to provide care at home. Telling the horror stories of facilities, saying if they were in our shoes they would never place their LO.

Problem is no one explains the harsh reality that end of the day not many care about your situation. So you spent your years caring for your LO, now they are gone you have been out of work for x years. Good luck finding a job. Good luck saving for retirement. Good look getting your youth and health back.

Caregiving comes as a major toll, one that realisticly no one should have to pay but that is life. Being transparent as to what exactly one is giving up to do x is important. My mentor has a phrase he told me when it came to these kinds or situations.

Often your choices boil down to a bag of horrible choices, you just have to pick the one that allows you to sleep the best at night. Regret, grief, what ifs will always be present but your job is to pick tye option that limits those feelings the most.

Placement is often the most logical choice.
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BarbBrooklyn Jul 2023
Basic, the day I realized that there were no "good" choices, only the least bad one, I regained a modicum of sanity.

Some things are not fixable and dementia is the first one that comes to mind.
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Congratulations for being patient and empathetic K - Most people dont Know how to care for another Human being including themselves . Sad But true . I Know my Dad would Not survive in a Nursing Home and My Uncle had a heart attack 2 weeks after Being Placed in One and had a slow Painful death at the hospital . My Mom was at the end Of her Life and Only had a few months to live and I had to make sure she was safe . My brother was Happier in a Rehab because they let him smoke - he died 3 and a half Months later . Being an Angel and doing Gods work is not for everyone . I agree with you . Really consider what you are Doing before deciding to Place someone in a Nursing home .
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Basictakes99 Jul 2023
I know I should not say anything, but your last two lines seem extremely unfair and disingenuous.

This is not about being an Angel or doing God's work, or even emphatic and patient. It takes great strength to understand one's limits. I apologize if that was not your intent but your post seems to take a jab at those that understand their own limits.

If that is not the case ignore this final line. Being a martyr is not as noble as people like to make it out to be.
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I'm pretty much a newbie to this Forum, too, and admit that I'm not seeing the debated issues clearly here. IMO, there is free speech taking place, which is O.K. with me. There is going to be disagreement on any open forum. I try to take what is useful and put the rest in storage.

I've learned SO much on this Forum and, as an older adult (86) potentially in need of future care, I've become even more convinced that EOL planning, in writing, is essential. (We've had Wills, healthcare directives, etc. for years but have now updated our POLSTs and made sure all our documents are easily accessible.)

Although I sincerely hope not to live to a point where I need placement, I realize that I NEVER want our kids to be forced to deal with some of the nearly intractable problems that so many caregivers here have faced.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
May I just say that I have fallen in love with your attitude? I enjoy reading your posts. I look forward to reading all of your postings.
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My mom was in a NH for 4 1/2 years after a stroke, dementia dx and broken hip.

I was not a hands on caregiver.

I "only" drove 2 hours each way to visit her each weekend, to bring her treats, check on her care and make myself known to her caregivers. Read to her, clipped and filed her nails, gave neck massages and listened to her halting aphasic speech, trying to figure out what was hurting, bothering or amusing her. Kept her up on family news and showed her FB posts from all those who couldn't visit.

Took her to doc appointments. Called the DON, SW, doc, Psychiatrist and therapists several times a week to get a sense of what was going on physically and mentally.

I was only her HCP; my brother was her pOA. He and his wife were there several times a week

We cleaned out her home of 50 years and readied it for sale.

My brothers and I had spouses, children, mortgages and careers that were unable to be abandoned.

My point is that if you have an elderly loved one NOT at home, there is PLENTY of caregiving that needs to get done.

I salute anyone who has the grit to give up their privacy, career and down time to do hands on care. I knew from the get go that I would not be able to take on that task. My SIL, once she experienced my mom's paranoia and delusions, said that there was no way that mom could reside in their home. She was absolutely right.

Mom needed professional care. She needed folks who could sniff out a UTi, pneumonia and pulmonary fluid buildup and distinguish it from dehydration, crankiness or tiredness. None of us had those skills.

So, no I don't think it's a binary choice. Unless you are going to walk away, caregiving for an elderly person is a huge chore no matter whether it's in home or in facility.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Yes! You said everything that needed to be said, Barb.

I don’t think anyone could have said it any better!
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NeedHelpWithMom: Thank you. When I first started on this site, now maybe 3 months ago, I wasn't sure that an elder in potential need of care had a place here. However, I think we offer a different perspective, also there is much for us to learn as far as how to be a more cooperative care recipient (if we have capacity). I'm so glad I found the Forum.
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AliBoBali Jul 2023
I think it'd be wonderful to have more care recipients involved in this forum. Caregiving should always be person-centered because your needs and dignity matter; it'd be helpful and it's important to have your voices on this forum as much as possible. :)
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I know these caregiver cases:

My friend lost her business and her home because she'd promised her mom that she'd care for her rather than place her in a nursing home. Her mom lived to be 99 with dementia - that was five years in my friend's home. A year later, friend's MIL, who had dementia, came to live with friend and husband. She lived three more years. My friend had also caregiven a previous husband through Lou Gehrig's disease for about 8 years. He died in their living room. Now my friend has dementia herself. We hope her husband can take care of her as long as needed, but he has health issues of his own. She wants to die at home.

I knew a woman who raised her Down's Syndrome child to adulthood. Her husband died somewhere along the way, and she took care of him and the child, who lived at home with them. The woman was diagnosed with cancer. One day she shot her beautiful 22-year-old child in her bed, then went into the woods and shot herself. She was sure that no one would take care of her child as well as she could.

Another friend's mother suffered a stroke while taking care of her elderly mother, who had had a stroke. Friend's mother was never the same.

I could go on and on. Caregiving is not easy or simple. It doesn't promote good mental health in the caregiver. Most people are not cut out for it.
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Scampie1 Jul 2023
Fawnby, I'm glad you posted this. I saw my mom's mental health decline as the years went by. My dad left mom with the responsibility of the entire household, bills and no money except for my sister's savings. It was horrible. He was one of these men who didn't believe in women working.
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People here are just trying as best as they can, with limited knowledge of the situation, to offer insights.

You yourself know the situation better than anyone here and are of course under no obligation to listen to what people post.
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southernwave Jul 2023
Absolutely.

If people have the ability and they want to and they can, by all means do it.

If people don’t have the ability and they are sick or worn out or lack resources or are sandwiched and then can’t and don't want to, by all means don't.

Don’t do what internet strangers tell you they would do if you don’t want that.

As with any advice, take what resonates and leave the rest. It’s truly that simple.
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I'm very sorry many forum members have chosen to preach to themselves about the glorious wonders of facility care on your thread. I'm sorry only a very few cared about your vent or expressed compassion for what you were saying. God bless the people who did! The members who are here to support "all" instead of only people who think like them.

I wonder if it would be better for Aging Care to offer two support group forums. One for people who insist their way is the only way and want to pat each other on the back for their superior thinking; and a second one for people who care about what the question poster is feeling, venting or asking about. I fit in that second crowd.

I'm sorry you've had people adamantly say it's time for a facility or hospice when they know very little details about your loved one's situation. I think your thread demonstrates the reality of your complaint.
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AliBoBali Jul 2023
Most people here just do the best they can. At the end of the day, it's just words on a screen sent by strangers who volunteer their time and energy. Everyone is responsible to themselves to take the good and leave the rest. Aren't they?
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I'm sorry you're frustrated with repeatedly hearing this advice while doing the best you can each day.

I believe AC users offer this advice because many of us have been down the path of being hands-on caregiving in difficult situations, and we know the irreversible toll it takes.

Some caregivers believe providing intensive hands-on care for their loved ones is the right thing. I know some people feel called to do it, based on their own giving personality, the lifelong bond with the person who needs care, or religious beliefs.

I respect that.

This forum can only give advice coming from people who've never met you and are responding to a few-paragraph summary of your circumstances. Or, advice from those you encounter during medical visits who also don't know your full story and circumstances.

Take the good; leave the rest. Always.

For some, the AC approach of erring on the side of protecting the caregiver is a lifeline. It's a reminder that we cannot set ourselves on fire to keep others warm.

I needed others to tell me that I was valuable during my caregiving years and assert that just because my loved ones had great needs, that didn't mean I was obligated to perform the duties firsthand. There are always other ways to provide our LOs with their needs, without sacrificing ourselves.

It's an extremely personal and introspective journey. One must decide for themselves what they can and will do.

And I think that's why the advice to hand off care to others/professionals is always helpful in the big picture of things. It's simply a reminder that there IS a choice because too often caregivers don't see one.

And caregiver vents are ALWAYS welcome here! :) Vent away! It's a great discussion jumping off point, plus I hope you feel better for sharing. 💜
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patpaul Jul 2023
What a nice answer! May you be blessed for blessing the OP! That's what a support group is all about.
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You know, I guess the answer to your question,KP, is that folks here chime in with what they know.
I suspect that people who are able to make care at home work without losing their minds are not part of the demographic that posts here.

I knew from the get-go that I could/would not care for my mom at home, but benefitted from the advice from more experienced posters about how to beat deal with facilities and vascular dementia.

Perhaps there is a different forum or a thread here to be started--by you or someone else--for caregivers who are happy and determined to keep their loved one at home.

You might want to look up old posts from Jeanne Gibbs, my unofficial mentor on this site. Also CountryMouse and Bookluvr, who kept their mom's at home until the end.
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AlvaDeer: Thank you for the vote of confidence. I cannot possibly carry the baton with the wisdom, knowledge and experience you bring to the Forum but will do my best to answer when and where I can. Not sure when it starts but enjoy your month's vacation!
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
I leave Saturday, Elizabeth. Fast as time goes for me these days I guess that month will be over in about 15 minutes. You take care.
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Try to do all you can keeping your loved one out of a facility.
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Riverdale Jul 2023
Again not helpful and often not realistic or possible.
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Day 5 of the "runs"
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newbiewife Jul 2023
What does this mean and what does it have to do with the original topic being discussed?
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Cover; My grandmother lived with us in our very small house. It was barely big enough for the five of us (one bathroom); grandma made 6.

Her death was precipitated by two things; my aunt cut her toenails every month; she nicked her and the cut became infected and she developed gangrene. At the same time, my young brother, then 10 brought home the flu from school. Grandma caught it and it rapidly developed into pneumonia.

Unless you are going to wrap and elder in cotton wool and isolate them altogether with their own bathroom and sterilized meals, they are going to pick up germs. Older people have less effective immune systems than do younger folks. I'm 70 and I am living this truth as I speak.

I hope you feel better soon.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
What a brilliant example of why facilities are a godsend!
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Placing my mom was the hardest decision I have ever made. I wanted so badly to take care of her until she died. Even though she was in an ALF, I was still taking care of her. What I found in this forum was the opportunity to learn from others. Their advice allowed me to keep her home as long as I did. Thank goodness for all the tips on every topic imaginable. When my situation became impossible, my friends here helped with getting the transition as easy as it could be.

It is a very personal decision with every situation unique. I applaud you for your tenacity and having the type of circumstances that has allowed you to keep him home.
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This for PatPaul:

Hillel (1st Century C.E) said
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?

The teaching presents a hierarchy of responsibility, in which our commitment to ourselves needs to be primary, although not singular. Basically, we cannot be effective caregivers if we are not caring for ourselves. (I know: easier said than done.) {Paraphrased from Sefaria}.

I don't think I go around patting myself on the back that my mother was in a facility and that everyone else's LO should be as well.

I find that most of the back patting and shaming that goes on here is from those incredibly capable folks who ARE able to keep their loved ones at home. They seem to think that if they can do it, anyone can.

I like to think that everyone here should keep their options open, much in the way that a doctor offers treatment options impartially, without trying to influence you. (Incidentally, I found I got the best advice from doctors when I asked them "what would you do if this was YOUR mother?")

As for bitterness, Pastor Pat, we've got some folks here who have given up a good part of their lives to provide care for nasty, vicious, abusive and mentally ill folks. By the time they realized there is no moral or legal imperative to provide hands on care in these situations, they are broken and unable to prepare for their own old age. Some have lost relationships, children and their grandkids have no idea who they are. There parents'told them they didn't deserve a life and they bought it.

Just as doctors offer the OP the OPTION of looking into facility care and/or hospice--aspiration is a horrible way to die--we here who have made the choice to get our parents and LO's professional care are offering it as ONE possibility.
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Evamar Jul 2023
Barb,
I love this. Hierarchy of responsibility.
Commitment to ourselves.
Unapologetic selfishness, taking care of ourselves.
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Knowing a little about Parkinson’s I can understand OP frustration. Recently husband with PD as well being in hospital I noticed during frequent visits his levodopa was not administered as per schedule.
I understand they are busy, nevertheless spoke to nurse about harmful effects of delays or too frequent doses, surprisingly it was taken extremely seriously even neurology department got involved and came up with 2 pages of recommendations and asked my husband for further input.
What surprise me is that nurses don’t know about how little or too much levodopa can affect patient or decrease mobility if not given on time.
This is one of examples for Parkinson’s to do well at home when meds are on time all the time.
And independence is important as increase in dopamine naturally with even little accomplishments is crucial.
Facilities do create dependency by disallowing patients to do certain things, there is such thing as learned helplessness.
At the same time if there is dementia, or other conditions present as well and caregivers health is compromised facility would be necessary for safety for both.
I do understand how some professionals without getting all the facts promote facility, yet, people with PD alone live long and fairly normal lives for long time. Changes come very slowly and gradually. That being said and not knowing now what is going on after hospital from which my husband will be discharged later today and there is always slight possibility although unlikely his condition could be progressing fast right now.
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PatPaul
When I worked in education, we used to advise teachers that yelling at the whole class was not an effective method of discipline. The students who were misbehaving paid no attention to what was being said and the sensitive, well-behaved students took it to heart.

If you want to tell someone that they are bitter and that you will pray for them to see the light, do so via private messaging.

Leave the rest of us--who are trying to offer some compassionate relief to the bulk of manipulated and sometimes abused caregivers who come here to find out that they are not "evil" as they've been told by their parents, relatives and sometimes ministers, and those who tell them that caregiving is an honor and should be done with joy--to give them the message that there are other options, should they wish to explore them.
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KPWCSC:

I just read this entire thread all the way through again, with all of the answers and responses to the answers. (so much new is added in responses). I must say that to me this thread is one of the best things on Forum. I cannot think of a side that hasn't been represented. I can't think of a CHOICE that hasn't been discussed, along with all the possible outcomes of that choice.

Just to add, I may be one of the rare ones whose elder (my brother) CHOSE to do ALF rather than a move back to No. Cal by me. Couldn't leave his beloved Socal, his friends, his ex, to be with his one remaining relative, me, his sister.
He was lucky in that he moved into a facility when being diagnosed with probable early Lewy's that already was home to his best friend and ex-partner. He was very familiar with it. And it was marvelous. Still is.
He was rare also in that he learned to love the place before his death of sepsis at 85. He got to go to movies again, something he had long not done. He went on the tours of the star's homes. Cut roses in the grounds, and all the burdens of fear of a fall (poor balance) and of his bills, finances (those I took on) were off him.
He actually improved. Fewer hallucinations. He could actually write letters again. Less forgetful. Funnier. And we often could sit, visit, and discuss his illness, his choices together when I visited him. I loved him so, was so proud of him; I always called him Hansel to my Gretel in any dark woods of our lives.

A bleak, bleak portrait is often painted of care. And I feel lucky that my aunt and my brother had marvelous care in their last years and my parents went in their 90s with no need of it.

There are many sides to all this. And I think this thread is just great in painting them all. In giving voice to all.

I thank you for this thread. I know you were, as you say venting when you asked this question. You were frustrated and suffering. But I think that your thread may help many who are trying to make their own decisions.
To me Ali said it absolutely best with "It's an extremely personal and introspective journey. One must decide for themselves what they can and will do."
I would add that no one should dare to judge another's journey imho. When we give advice on AC we speak of what we feel we have learned on OUR journey. And over and over we tell OPs this is their journey, their own choice, and to pick up what will help them and let the rest lie (or as I say, kick the rest of the advice to the curb).

Some look at Forum in general and this thread in particular and see darkness/divisiveness. I look at it and see the cracks in human limitations and in our variety letting the light shine through.

Thanks again for this question, KP. I hope it long resurfaces here to help others.
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Evamar Jul 2023
AlvaDeer,
Such a beautiful story about your brother.
And no one should be judging anybody.
Caregiving is not some glamours journey, it is full of heart breaking stories.
My husband (if necessary) himself decided like your brother to go to facility
Granted, it is going to be good one.
Will I be sad? Yes.
Will I be happy? Yes, because he will be taken care of and I am in so many ways not qualified to keep that position, nor do I want to be a martyr or slave.
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Anyone want to start a thread on why it isn’t the best idea to care for someone at home?

I am no longer a caregiver for my parents. They are deceased. Many of the older posters on this forum can testify that I was approaching burnout when I found this forum.

My emotional health and physical health were being affected. I was so stressed out that I could barely eat. My doctor was upset about me being underweight.

Who can eat when they are exhausted? I was too tired to eat and quite frankly, I was too depressed to eat. My nerves were so bad that if I would have tried to eat, I would have thrown up!

I never got a good night’s sleep either. My doctor sent me to a cardiologist. My blood pressure was sky high.

My marriage was being affected no matter how much my husband loved and supported me. It wasn’t fair to him that I was spending so much time with my mother. We had no privacy in our home.

I missed out on some of our children’s activities too. They were understanding but were disappointed when I had to miss certain things.

I barely saw my friends. I felt so isolated.

Did I need compassion from this forum? You bet I did. Did I need compassion from my therapist? Absolutely!

Compassion is greatly needed initially, but the members on this forum that helped me the most were the ones who told me the unfiltered truth.

I had no frame of reference. My parents were never caregivers for their parents.

I ended up in therapy. Fortunately, my therapist was a no nonsense guy who didn’t sugarcoat anything.

The people who were brutally honest with me helped the most and saved me from completely losing my freaking mind!

When a parent moves in and stays for 14 years, it becomes unbearable. The dynamics of a parent/child relationship changes drastically and not for the better.

I wish I had found this forum much sooner than I did. I can’t go back and change anything for myself but every single time I see someone avoiding the heartache that I went through I smile 😊. If I can help in any small way, I am happy to do so.

All of us, those who were wise enough not to ever do hands on caregiving and people like me who did it and would not do it again have a place at this table. If just one person hears our message, it’s worth it.

Sorry for my long rant and if it offended anyone. It isn’t meant to offend. I am not an argumentative person at heart.

It’s frustrating at times to see how many people see only in black in white when there are many gray areas.

Everyone has a different situation to deal with and must deal with it accordingly. We can listen to each other. We can have a healthy debate and learn from each other. We can also respectfully disagree with each other.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
(((Hug)))
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OP isn’t against facilities. Isn’t against in-home care.

Her point is just that sometimes, people on this forum are too quick to say: the answer is obviously facility.

Equally, people are sometimes too quick to say: the answer is obviously in-home care.

Hubris: the over-confidence that one’s advice is the right one.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
I feel the same, venting.

This is a posting that allows an opportunity to discuss the topic in its entirety, and not focus solely on one aspect of it.
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This has been an interesting thread.

Sometimes posters post a simple question, but if one looks back on their posting history, they can see that there is far more going on than that simple question. I've seen things such as physical and emotional difficulties, considering suicide, not being able to sleep, etc. When one is to the point of experiencing these things, it usually IS time to consider a facility.
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CaringinVA Jul 2023
Totally agree.
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Cttn55,
I find your post to be very presumptive and sadly insulting to the OP. This is what I found disturbing on July 12. Very few posting here care anything about this OP's concerns! Don't you folks see this!

Adding insult to injury, you post glowingly below about a post by Need Help With Mom which begins with: "Anyone want to start a thread on why it isn’t the best idea to care for someone at home?"

I don't understand this cruelty. I hope those of you participating in this gang-up to humiliate KPWCSC for daring to share feelings about recommendations she's received on the forum can recognize what you've done. That will take some prayer, I believe.

Dear KPWCSC,
I'm so sorry!
The true colors of many posters have been exposed here.
Maybe there is a better forum where you can find like-minded and supportive people. I am not inditing all. Everyone can see who's responsible for potentially creating hurt and feelings of isolation for you, and who hasn't done that.

The last attempt to so publicly frame you as suicidal, someone with physical and emotional difficulties, overwhelmed by your husbands needs is DESPICABLE in my opinion!!! I'm surprised the Forum allows this but maybe I shouldn't be since I was the past victim of some egregious attacks from a few forum members ganging up on me and trying to rally others to their side.

Thank you for liking my posts on this thread. Have any of the numerous other posters even noticed whether you voted their posts as helpful? Or do the vast majority only care about about pleasing and receiving votes from each other?

It's been each other they've been posting to while altogether ignoring your OP frustration. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work here. That was the point I tried to make, not as gracefully as I wished, but I did make it.

Sadly, very few cared or tried to address you following my post although I see a couple thoughtful posters tried. May God bless you KPWCSC and provide happiness, health and comfort for you and your spouse.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Everyone cares patpaul,

If no one cared we wouldn’t be responding to this posting.

Perhaps you have misjudged what people are saying. I’m sure that you care about the OP as well.

There are different ways to view a situation. The OP will have to read what is written and decide what is applicable in her particular case.
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