My father was in a bad shape several months ago, he had barely any strength in his arms. My brother said my father would never regain strength. I listened to this and thought that could be true but maybe not. Then my sister-in-law told me in a mature tone that my father would be disabled in the near future and I should learn to live with it. She has a lot of credibility in that she is wealthy and on the board of a number of philanthropic foundations so I agreed to what she was saying. Well, after my father went into assisted living a few months ago he regained his strength and is nearly as good as he was years ago when you lived independently!
Now even these days my brother and sister-in-law tell me things like "We noticed he's going backwards". They are holiday until September. My brother emailed me last week saying similar things, like my father isn't doing as well as I think. I can confirm he is!
Why do my brother and sister-in-law want to create impressions that my father is worse than he really is? The only thing I can think of is that before they were doing it to get my father into assisted living so they could live their lives again (they were spending a lot of time taking care of my father and so was I). Now it seems they do not want the possibility at all that my father may want to live dependently again and therefore they would have to provide their time again. On the other hand maybe it's just their opinion of my father's condition? I don't know but it strongly seems like they want to make the situation appear worse than it is.
Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?
"I did. I would be an a**hole if I didn't." The implication is that I'm an a**hole because I didn't know. How was I able to know for example that he would lose nearly all the strength in his arms?"
I found nowhere in you posts or replies what is wrong with your Dad. You cared for him 10yrs and mention that he has lived near brother for several years. Oh, you do mention Dad has complained about pain, I think, in his back. What is Dads diagnosis? Maybe since brother is Dads POA he is much more aware of Dads health. Talks to his doctors. Maybe your in denial and Dad seeming better makes you feel he is improving.
CHF does not get better without a heart transplant. Parkinsons does not get better. MS does not get better. I dated a guy whose father died of Rheumatoid arthritis complications in his 50s. It sounds like to me since Dad has needed aides for so long, that he is not going to make improvement enough to be independent.
I think your whole problem is that you are not the one in control. Brother has POA because Dad seems to go with brothers decisions. Brother is aware of Dads health needs. To be honest, neither are obliged to keep you in the loop. Maybe brother and SIL are trying to prepare you. Yes, AL seems to agree with Dad but that does not mean his health problem is not still serious and declining. Be glad that Dad is enjoying where he is living. And, in a way, he is still independent. He can make his own decisions. Instead of aides he has a staff. Someone cooks his meals. Someone does his laundry and cleaning. He can come and go as he pleases. If he wants to join into an activity he can. Go on an outing, he can. He is not stuck in an apt all day with just aides. You visit.
I have said it before. You are your own worst enemy. You worry about the trivial things. I would love to hear your brothers side of the story. And Dads.
Lisa, there are 2 types of people in this world.
The Glass Half empty
The Glass Half full.
It is possible that they are looking at the progression and anticipating more decline.
You on the other hand look at the progress that he has made.
I have always said that when caring for someone with dementia that we should mourn the losses that happen along the way but rejoice in what is still there, what still can be done.
They may also be doing what might be called "anticipatory grief". In your head you down play the good knowing that there are more declines ahead as well as other medical conditions that will occur. The idea with anticipatory grief is that it will not hit you so hard when something happen. I can tell you it does not work. Stuff still hits hard and it still hurts.
Be glad that he is doing well now and don't let the "Debbie downers" get to you.
What exactly is your issue with wanting to be right all of the time? Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated if you are wrong?
Brilliant people got many things wrong throughout the years before they got it right!
My daughter had a great science teacher. This woman was an engineer before she decided to teach science. My daughter loved this teacher because she inspired and motivated her students.
One of the very first lessons that she taught her class was not to fear being wrong or making mistakes.
She went on to tell the class that the man who invented the cleaning product, 409, named it 409 due to the fact that it took him four hundred and nine tries to get it right!
Dad is thriving there! Y’all should agree that this is the whole goal, to keep him in that range as long as possible.
NHWM
In the three examples you give--relationshios, sports, world events--there is seldom absolute right and wrong.
Should Walter O'Malley have moved the Dodgers to LA? From whose perspective? I have dozens of neighbors who will tell you that it was the most evil act of the 20th century and lots of business folks in LA who'll tell you it was a brilliant move.
The world is not black and white
This has been going on for a long time and it is not getting any better.
Her father is happy where he is, yet she keeps trying to disrupt his solitude by stirring the pot with her brother and most likely voicing her opinions to her father.
She just won't stop, we are wasting our breath with her and I am surprised that her brother talks to her at all, he is a very patient man.
NHWM
I'll finish by saying I have been in situations, and probably everyone here has too, where there were differing opinions on what was the reality of a situation and one person turned out to be right. Personally I like to be right as much as I can. It's not always this way though. I'm not saying I'm smarter or envious of anyone; I was asking if anyone experienced others, who are otherwise capable people, who continuously assess situations far worse than they actually are.
That’s what you think you’re asking. What you’re really saying is, criticizing your brother and SIL, and that you’re better/right.
Also you very often mention her wealth. Indeed, in an envious way. No one else here on the forum mentions, again and again, how much money someone has.
Try to do something to make your life better. (That advice goes for all of us. Me, too.)
(Ventingisback)
Her dad is in a very nice assisted living facility! He’s happy there.
Sadly, Lisa always has a barrage of insults about her brother and SIL who helped her dad by placing him there!
I am very curious. If by chance, if you won a huge lottery or something, how would your life change? What would you do with all that money? Would you want people to be jealous of you?
Yes but there is a reality and people who are right to what that reality is are in a far better position to make the right decisions and therefore the best outcomes.
For example, two people see a person that does not have enough strength in their arms to even open a door. That's the actual reality and both people agree on that. One person says "They will now need 24 hour assistance for the rest of their life". The other person says "With progressive weight training they will be able to live independently." The second person was right about the reality and therefore took the right actions to get the person back to good health. To follow the the first person would lead to an unnecessary low quality of life.
My original question is based on that truth. I will agree though that I should focus on my life given I do not have the POA ands my brother gets jerky and even angry if I suggest things that could make my father's life even a little better.
Why is needing assistance necessarily a “lower” quality of life? Many assisted living facilities are like top notch hotels!
Hey, your father worked hard all of his life. He deserves to be watched over now and have his needs met by an entire staff!
Why on earth would he go back to being alone and waiting for his children to help?
Think about what you are saying. Your dad is happy! Let it be! You’re the one who is unhappy. Your brother and his wife are happily living their lives.
Live your life! Allow others to live their lives in peace without your constant barrage of unnecessary insults and criticism.
NHWM
Try going a week it speculating about your brother and SIL, not thinking about them at all. Then 2 weeks, then 3. Before you know it, you'll have stopped obsessing about them entirely and have begun focusing on YOUR life instead!
Lealonnie1
As a fellow why-er, I can nearly guarantee you will (or like me, have already) waste countless hours of your life that you won’t get back trying to understand other people’s motives. (I put some other thoughts in a reply so this stays shorter.)
Please, be selfish — think about yourself and what you want out of your own life. Dad is happy and doing well. Now is when you spend joyful time with him, ignore your bully SIL (probably more people than you realize do), and let the rest play out as it does. We mostly don’t control death or other people, no matter how hard we try.
You’re a loving daughter and your pops is a lucky dad. Go out and do something just for yourself today, then share it with him next time you see him. You’ll get to enjoy it twice that way.
He is in al because he needs to be, plus you yourself have remarked that he’s thrived there more than with your bro, yourself, and paid home care. That’s the core reason your father is where he is as opposed to your brother taking vacation, which is part of him getting back to his life.
If you're all that concerned about your father's progress, prognoses, and diagnoses, talk to his doctors. Talk to him.
Being wealthy gives a person all of zero credibility. Money does not make a person an expert at something, or even competent. so your SIL being affiliated with philathropic organizations really is nothing to be impressed by.
Also, anyone can get a seat on a board of directors for some foundation or another if they write a fat enough check.
If your father gets better and can live independently again, then great. Your brother or SIL are not on the hook to become caregivers to him. Neither are you.
Your story is not a phenomenon. I have said all along that I think yoy make up a lot of it with your brother, father, and SIL.
Work on yourself. Make an investment in your own life and future by working through things with a good therapist.
You need to let it go when it comes to brother and his wife.
The OP is a person who needs some competent mental health professionals and probably a conservator to be responsible for them.
Of course Dad is doing better. He has 3 meals a day. Someone does his laundry, cleans his room. He is getting meds on time. He can socialize when he wants. He gets assistance when he needs it. And he doesn't have to worry about money. No worries. But he still has his health problems. Which maybe getting worse. Does brother share Dads medical with you? Maybe his heart has weakened, if that was one of his problems. Maybe they are imagining things, maybe you are seeing things.
Please do not encourage Dad to live independently. Your not independent if you need others involved with your daily care. And you talk about SIL and her money. Without that money, your Dad would have probably been in a Long-term facility on Medicaid. Maybe even gone by now.
My FIL was fond of telling people that he was 100% independent. Do you know what he actually was? Paying the bills. Now that's all well and good. (he was actually paying the bills from MIL's retirement fund, he didn't have one of his own so an argument could be made that HE was fully dependent on MIL's retirement that he inherited but I digress). He depended on other people 100% for EVERYTHING else. But because he paid the bills he told anyone who would listen that he was fully INDEPENDENT.
Guess what we discovered when he moved from his home - where my SIL waited on him hand and foot and appeared as if magically at the instant he needed anything, anticipated his needs and did them BEFORE he needed anything, and made sure that he never even had to ASK for anything......he didn't even know that he had to ASK for things.
He was SO dependent on her to the point that he didn't even recognize that she was taking care of EVERYTHING - he somehow had it in his head that his cup of ice water just magically stayed FULL and COLD all day long for example. So when he moved into the NH.. it didn't even occur to him that he should actually ASK for fresh water. He would say to us..."They let my water get warm." Well do you ASK for fresh water or do you ask for ice or so you let them know you NEED water?" "Well why should I have to do that? They should just KNOW I need it." Um...that's not how that works.
But my point is this. We discovered just how much he wasn't doing for himself. Things that my SIL did without even thinking about it. That he now had to either wait for someone to come help him do or that he SHOULD be able to do for himself that we all thought he was doing for himself that she didn't even realize she intervened in as often as she did out of habit.
One example - his cell phone. He LIVES on his phone. Playing on Facebook. Watching videos. Checking email. Calling everyone in his contacts list. We thought he was fairly self-sufficient - if not gullible with the cell phone. He plugged it in at night, he managed his way through his apps and contacts with minimal issues at home.
But the instant the got to the NH, it was as if he completely forgot how to function with his phone. He was not suddenly isolated and had institutional dementia either. He was probably MORE isolated at home that at the NH. But suddenly he couldn't even seem to figure out how to plug the phone in. In the first week he was there, he managed to delete all of his contacts, his phone battery died no fewer than 4 times, he turned the volume completely mute and didn't hear anyone calling for 2 days. It was as if he suddenly forgot how to use his phone. And he actually asked for a new phone (a different brand and everything). I basically set his phone up to look like a child's phone so that he couldn't delete anything else. But it has been one mishap after another with his phone.
And that's just one example. Now we realize SIL would hear his phone ringing or buzzing from another room and mention it to him. Or she would see that it was low battery and plug it in out of habit. Or he might say 'can you see what is wrong with my phone' and she would fix some small thing over and over and I would fix anything big.
But there are MULTIPLE little things like that - where SIL intervened that he can't do those things at all for himself.
Why do you DB and SIL create impressions that he is worse than he is? Are you SURE he isn't? Maybe they need to so he can stay where he is. Maybe he actually IS worse than you realize.
Who cares what your brother is thinking inside his head? Really?
He sees the world & his father through his own eyes.
You see the world & your father through your eyes.
You are separate people.
If you want to know why your brother sees decline when you see normality or strength - ask him. Then listen to his answer.
But honesty, better to let it go.
The bad thing about this is that sometimes we expect others to see things exactly as we do. The good thing is that we can change our perceptions, thus changing our reality to one that works better for us.
An example of perception is one person seeing the glass half full, but someone else sees it half empty. Neither is wrong, but perception creates the attitude with which we regard the glass.
I am the realistic Gen X. I don't see the glass as half empty or half full.
I see it as a win if someone didn't pee in it.
~BC 8/7/23
When are you ever going to realize that is in fact YOU that is the problem?
I won't be holding my breath on that one, but really....just stop already and get a life.
And quit coming here with your constant nonsense, as this forum is for people that have REAL problems, not people whose problems are in their own head.
~BC 8/7/23
Pamzi
Then we’ll all get banners! LOL 😆 Strike one!
Your brother, no matter how wealthy, does not "owe" your father anything.
If you are willing to, on your own, provide ALL the support dad needs without any help from brother without getting yourself tied in knots over it, then go ahead.
I will remind you that you weren't happy before (when Dad needed help and he deferred CONSTANTLY) to your brother's opinion and judgement) and you don't seem happy now.
Your father was not independent, he will never be again, you are living in a fantasy world.
The phenomenon is you and your attitude towards your brother. This jealousy thing you have is way out of hand.
It has been recommended before, get some mental help so that you can get yourself back together.
I think you hit the nail on the head. It's the jealousy. The OP is jealous of her brother and SIL.
Work on yourself. After that you can work on the family situation. Don't you have better things to do besides obsess over these people?
I thought you were happy with your dad living in an assisted living facility. Has that changed?
Is this about your father’s wishes or your own wishes for your dad to leave? I don’t think your dad would want to leave. He is well cared for and has his children visiting him. Sounds good to me!
Rarely have I seen a posts of yours that didn’t insult or question your brother and SIL’s motives. They are rich. So what! They take nice vacations. Good for them! Be happy for them.
What if you were rich? Would you want people to speak about you like you do of them? Or would you rather they appreciate you and be happy for you?
Let your negativity go. Find something positive to calm your anxiety.
We know that your brother and SIL have tons of money. You don’t have to keep reminding us.
I have a brother in D. C. who has more money than God and I could care less that I don’t have the money that he does. He worked his a** off for it. I’m happy for him. Sadly, he is experiencing serious health issues. Money can’t solve everything!
You don’t know everything about your brother and SIL’s life. They are entitled to live their lives as they wish and you can choose to live your life however you wish.
Focus on your life. Sweep your own porch first before telling them to sweep theirs.
I truly hope that you find peace in your heart one day, Lisa. Then, maybe you won’t wake up in the morning and fret about your brother and SIL so much.
My ya-ya used to have a similar saying in Greek.
Make sure your house is clean before you tell someone else to clean theirs.
It's jealousy. Plain and simple. The brother and SIL have a great life and the OP doesn't.
A person's life is what THEY make it, not someone else. Either you pull yourself out of the hole and take some measure of happiness for yourself, or you rot in the hole.
Your father will NEVER live independently again. The assisted living facility was the next stop on the train. Will there be a stop at a skilled nursing facility before he dies? Who knows. None of us have a crystal ball to predict the future.
I do not blame your brother and his wife for not wanting to entertain the idea of taking dad out of AL just to start the pattern and cycle all over again.
Please leave it alone and stop filling dads head with nonsense that he will be able to move out of AL and live in his own place again. It is NOT going to happen. Ever.
Since dad has put ALL of his trust in your brother, your brother is in control and not you. Enjoy the time being your dads son or daughter or whatever you are and just stop chumming the water already.
Your brother and his wife have a right to have a life. They have a right to not have to spend ALL of their money funding dad's lavish lifestyle the way the did for X number of years.
Your life it seems is wrapped up focusing on ALL the things your brother has that you don't have.
You truly are your dads son/daughter because dad likes to stir the post just like you and create rifts and division between you and your brother.
I saw mom’s decline before my brothers because I was her primary caregiver.
I am not saying that my brothers were in denial. It was convenient for them for me to keep being mom’s main caregiver.
When I had enough (14 years of caregiving in my home and caring for mom for several years when she was living in her home) I told mom that I needed a break, my brother was no longer working (retired), and so she could go live with him.
Only after my brother and SIL were with mom full time did they realize mom was declining more and more.
Your brother and SIL were brilliant because they were smart enough to know that placement for your dad was the best option!
Eventually, my mom was placed in a hospice care home where she was treated beautifully. She died peacefully and with dignity. Mom was glad that she was no longer a burden on her children.
In the past, I had a turbulent relationship with my brothers. We were able to put mom’s best interests at heart and reconcile our differences. We now have a meaningful relationship with one another and I am very grateful for that.
Let any negativity die, Lisa. It’s not worth it. Just love your father and respect your brother and SIL.
Take care.
NHWM