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Catch word~~~~~DIFFERENTLY~~~look @ thing different which requires different ways of thinking.
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Catch word~~~~~DIFFERENTLY~~~look @ thing different which requires different ways of thinking.
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I smiled when I read this post. I often feel this way about my parents. I love them but it does wear on you. Most of us are over 50 yrs of age and dont know how much time we have left. Its nice to know I am not the only person who feels this way. I am glad that I work.
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My mother is very overbearing. She has been all my life. My father has dementia and he is easier to deal with than her. I am single and would like to date again.
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I am single never married. I am curious regarding the marital status of the individuals on here.
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fost 40, I see from your profile that your parents live in independent living. Get out and date!!!! What is holding you back? You deserve a life apart from your parents and particularly apart from your overbearing mom! Don't let your mother guilt you into not having a life. Don't expect her to ever change for no matter how much you do for her she will remain the same. She is the overbearing person that she is.

Take care of your own social life, your physical health, your emotional health and your spiritual health! Set some boundaries with your parents and live!
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Reply to notrydoyoda
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fost40, I am married and have been on this site several years First with my mother being in a nursing home for 4 years before she died last year. Now with my dad still living in his home with 24/7 care and his has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

Several people here are married and have healthy boundaries with their life as a couple and their life as a caregiver for parents.

Some are married, but issues from their childhood are now threatening the well being of their marriage as people have unresolved issues either with their dad or with their mom.

This is particularly true of women and their moms as well as sometimes with their dads. A few men seem to be more emotionally married to their moms than to their wives..

Some men have been dominated by their dads or by their moms and their marriage is on the rocks.

Some are taking care of spouses and some are widows.

Some women here have been emotionally controlled by their moms and are searching for their moms to be the loving mother that they never were which ends in disappointment and often divorce. A few of these turn around and blame their mom for the divorce. Others have gained insight into their mistakes and are living with the consequences while warning others not to fall into the same mistakes.

Some who are here and divorced are divorced for completely other reasons.

Some are trying to save their marriage from the damaging impact of their MIL or FIL with various degrees of success. Others are loosing the battle because their spouse can not or will not stand up to mom or to dad and gain their freedom.

Some are building a new life as they date once again.

Some here are divorced for various reasons.

Some are single because their mother never let them date because they don't want to loose their son or their daughter. This is particularly true of parents who have lost a spouse to death. This is true of both women and men who have written on this site.

One consistent theme that I have seen is the result of unhealthy parenting of sons or daughters which place emotional buttons in them as children which are pushed later in adult life by their parent's emotional blackmail via FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is like they go on auto pilot and loose any awareness of what they are sacrificing in their parent's call for caregiving. They were raised by parents with unhealthy boundaries and never learned healthy boundaries themselves which is understandable for they are emotionally enmeshed with their parent. It is like an emotional time bomb that just goes off in their head one day and they abandon everything and then cleave to their parents until death do they part.

I've probably left out some things and might sound cynical, but this is my perception and awareness of the marital status of people that I've met or have described their spouses and their marriage on this site.
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CMagnum really said a lot there. I don't mind adding my personal situation. I am 60 yrs old, in the process of [amicably] divorcing my 2nd husband after 7 yrs of marriage. Our kids are grown- we had them (2 each) in our first marriages. My father died towards the end of my first marriage, about 20 yrs ago. In both cases, the marriages failed for reasons 'other' than the situation with my parents. My mother was well able to care for my father when he was dying from cancer- but I was quite involved (as were my siblings). Since then I've lost a brother (two remain and are helpful). I'm fortunate that, despite some family issues, my brothers and I are working together to care for Mom at home, with some help from hired caregivers (2-3 hrs/day). Mom is 91, in slow decline, bedridden, with progressing dementia. I have no current interest in dating, but once Mom has passed and we get our divorce behind us, I might be up for a social life again. I totally recommend trying to get yourself a social life, though, especially if your parents are being cared for in a residential setting. Get out and get involved in something so you don't let time pass you by, maybe meet someone special. Even with 2 marriages that 'failed' I don't regret the experience. Life is meant to be lived, risks are to be taken, opportunities explored. Seize the Day!!
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fost40 - I would encourage you to date. After two failed marriages - married the same mistake twice - I stayed in my own for 15 years having no interest in another partner, though in that time my last ex and I formed a solid friendship. That took me to about age 70 when my daughter encouraged me to develop a more stylish appearance. I was still working and strictly professional. I followed her advice and in the same time of transformation decided I was open to anther relationship. I got more male attention after 70 than ever before in my life!!! Within the next 2 years I made a lot of online contacts (not much of a male market for me in this town), received two online proposals which did not work out, and finally met a good, if overly busy, man who actually lived and worked here, but who I would never have met face to face. Our spheres of activity did not intersect. We have been together now for over 5 years and although it is challenging to blend the lives of two very independent people, it is definitely worth it. He s very helpful with mother and all her moves, a great travel companion and an all around good guy. Don't worry if there is an age difference. All my men have been younger than me. Sig other is 13 years younger than me. Go for it!
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Hey, emjo, you go, girl. I'm not 'giving up' but if it takes me 10 years to find another prospect, it's great to hear that it's worth it. Just too much on my plate right now. In a year, it will be different. I prefer younger guys, too. I need someone who can keep up with me.
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At times, I have wished that my enemies, my boss, my exes would die. My parents? Never. It was hard caring for them, but they cared for me when I was a baby. I owed that debt and I willingly paid it.
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Reply to PeaceCorps1
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I've been preparing myself for the eventuality of my mother's peaceful passing, and on occasion, have hoped it would happen sooner, rather than later. But I realize it's not my decision and not in my power. I, too, am willingly repaying my Mom for all the years she gave to caring for myself, my brothers, our Dad, her grandchildren and many others in various ways. As one of my brothers has said, "she never missed a watch". She deserves our best, all that we can give.
I realize many caregivers haven't had a really positive relationship with their parent, and know it's got to be harder for them to provide the seemingly endless care and support that's required by the parent/loved one. I think many of us have wondered and even wished for the process to end. It's not a horrible thing to acknowledge that feeling. Hope it helps to know that others have felt the same.
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I just think about the quality of life...Not how bad a person is or how mean, something else is going on in their brain. Sometimes its the disease that changes the person, but when you know how that person was years ago, and now they cant do anything for themselves, it is difficult. Oregon has a solution, the veternarians do to. When I get to that stage, I hope my State has a solution. I figured out part of my solution in my mind, when I lose all control of my body and head. DNR sort of does that, but the big shot seems wonderful when used on your loving pet. They go quietly, peacefully. This is scaring me, I think about this too often. They say it doesnt run in the family, but maybe it does. Mom has something, and so does my brother. I just wonder who will go first........I don't want to put my kid in my spot when I get that lovely disease of ALZ. They put horses down with this injection. HOw big is a horse? big, and he went peacefully....Really? And if I come down with ALZ, I need to suffer, and make my child and their family suffer? Mom is here for a reason and I put a smile on her face. It's humanity, and I need to go throguh this with her. I am the only one who sees her. And my brother was moved again, don't know where its at. That is hard. My friemd says to do my own personal funeral as he won't be much of anything if they let me see him. So, I'm planning to have a small dinner with my family in memory of him. Hospice just called, so now I'm going down to see Mom. And basically she is not ready to go either. We still dance in the hallway. :)
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Reply to IloveMom
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I also grieve the loss of the mother I needed, and never had. My heart goes out to you. Huggs to you.
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I left my parents home when I was 18, now I'm 52 and have both of them living in the same community. Haven't had much contact with them over the years, seeing them at Christmas or other family events and calling about a handful of times. Now dealing with all the past hurt especially from my dad (the main reason I left at 18) who's 92 with lots of health issues taking him out of this world slowly, and learning that my parents relationship wasn't all that loving. My mom's in Independent living and my dad is in Assisted living complaining all the way. He is miserable and makes everyone else miserable - I pray every night that he dies. There is so much past hurt, lack of nurturing and no love loss from growing up that it's frustrating dealing with them both. My mom doesn't want anything to do with my dad and frankly neither do I. He is a toxic personality and everything is about him. He is the typical old school generation and a male chauvinist. He is like a 2 year old spoiled brat that cries and complains until he gets what he wants. How do you deal with all this?
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Reply to friendly
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Please don't feel guilty. You've got so much hurt from your childhood and your dad is still being difficult. Let others do the hands-on care. If you are dragging a lot of guilt, a few sessions with a good counselor can be very helpful.

One note: To forgive helps you and doesn't mean that you forget. It simply means that you have let go of the pain that they have caused you. Something to consider if you seek counseling.

If you can make peace with your parents before they die, that's good for you (I'm not worried about them). But if you can't, then you can't. Take care of yourself. Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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I have a narcissistic mother too with what I think also has personality disorder as well and now dementia. All my life the focus has been on her and now it still is. She is now in assisted living which definitely helps a bit, but the scariest of thoughts is what to do when her money runs out if she can't get financial assistance to continue living there. I think I will have a heart attack if I ever had to have her live with me. I hope we do not turn out to be like our mothers! Wonder why this is so common? Is it the era they were born and the way they expect things to be?
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It's true you are not alone. And although my mom is not of the same character or medical issues as yours, at 90 years she would like to just go to bed and die. I wonder every morning, will I find her dead today, and what will I do... Then I feel bad because I do hope she gets her wish. Then let it go cause I have to work and my husband and daughter-in-law get to be with her all day. One step at a time. Peace
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Yes, BonnieMac, there are worse things than death. My grandmother would just say that she was tired, she'd lived a long life and she wanted to go. Her death process took longer than we'd have wanted and there was no hospice comfort care at that time, so it was hard. But we could hardly mourn her passing. We missed her - still do - but we knew that she was at peace. Very old people are often ready - especially if they have a strong faith.

Thanks everyone for the insightful comments!
Carol
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No, no, no and again NO !! and I speak of experience. My husband was early 50 when the long long way of Alzheimer started. As previously he just had had cancer, all consulted doctors said he was just heavily depressed, feared the cancer to come back, etc.. However I saw that his condition became worse day by day. After abt. 10 years, it was no longer possible to keep him at home, so I placed him in daycare. But about 2 years later, he stayed in a special hospice, where only Alzheimer patients and people with other dementia stayed. My God, he last 6 months of his life I have prayed and prayed that the suffering should end. It was no longer human. He was tied up in bed. He could not talk any more, did not recognize any one of us, not me, not his children and grandchildren. He laid in bed, had to be fed, etc... I know that if this would go on much longer, he would be fed by tubes, and he would have bad wounds at heels, elbows, shoulders, hips and but, etc.. I have seen people, their wounds were so badly and severe, you would see the bones... No I don't lie. Her heels were completely open, and on 1 foot you could seen the naked, white bone. This was terrible. That's why I prayed so much... that his breathing or hart would stop before reaching this stage. And luckily, he never reached that stage. I can assure you that the moment they phoned me, it was bomb deflagration. And I felt so released, thankful. These are normally not words used when someone dies. But I really was very thankful. It is now 7 years ago, and every day I still miss him. and my sorrow is still enormous, but yet still thankful that he did not have to go through the worst suffering . So there is absolutely nothing wrong to hope that someone dies.
Now that I am 64, my mom is still living. Our youth (I had a sister and brother, both younger then me) was purely and simply disgusting. We couldn't do anything good, were punished for the least, she asked all the attention, and we had to bow and follow her. If someone has dementia, or brain disease, you can understand that. But this was not the case. But she hated my father due to something he had done while being a boy of 16 years, and she had only found out after the marriage. Therefore, we were evil !! We did not deserve any nice toys. Birthdays were never celebrated. For Santa, we got cloths, the cheapest or second hand, although my father worked every day, overtime and weekend jobs, so there was no lack of money. On the contrary. She also worked 40 hrs a week or more. And although I was only 9 / 10 years, I had to care of my brother and sister. Well sorry to say, but I sincerely hope that here days are counted and that very shortly we will be able to breath openly. And I certainly will not miss her. When my dad died, I have cried, many many tears, and still do. But when my mom will close her eyes I think that together with my brother and sister, we will have a good lunch, with fine wine. So don't be ashamed. It is time to think of yourself and enjoy life as much as possible. You deserve it ! Wish you much strength and warm huggs from Belgium. Nicole
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Belle, I really do get how you feel. It is amazing to hear so many others confess the same feelings. I have been married for 50 years. My husband has had Alzheimers for 12 years now. Our marriage was horrible, with him being emotionally and mentally abusive since the day we married. I stuck it out for the sake of the 4 kids. Further, he kept his money separate from mine, which in the end was a blessing because 2 years ago I found out that he never had saved a dime- just lived from hand to mouth. I had saved a good share of mine after paying half of the expenses, but finally when he tried to kill me 3 times, I had to put him in a assisted living where he is so doped up on Rispiradone that he no longer is violent. Here's the kicker- here is a man I don't even like, none the less love and yet because we are married, I am paying out of pocket $ 100,000. a year of MY money to keep him in a comfortably nice place. Soon in a few years all of my money will be gone and both of us will be on Title 19 ( welfare). I am so angry with him and despise what he has done all my married life and yet now I am stuck with him and he is only 76 and healthy except the Alzheimers. I pray every day that he dies because he has no life to speak of and yet I, who am younger, but not young enough to get a job anymore at 73 due to physical problems myself, will end up sharing a room on welfare with someone when I need a nursing home because he used up all MY money and never saved a dime for either of us. So I really get it. I have been to 3 elder care lawyers and there is no way out at this point. There is a 5 year look back on any divorce or money given to anyone in an effort to safeguard some of it. I think if you love someone things can be different, but if you were abused all your life and then are told you have to pay for this person's care on your own, leaving you in poverty for the rest of your life, that is a very bitter pill to swallow. I am glad for this site so we can all speak honestly. My heart goes out to you. I know how you are suffering, God bless you. KM27
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KM27 you are in a horrible situation. usually the person who is called the "community spouse' (you) can retain a certain sum of money plus your house, car and personal effects.so everything will not be lost. Find out just how much you would have to work with if you did divorce and start planning. it may not be as hopeless as it sounds.
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KM27, can't you divorce him? If the money is in your name and you are divorced, you shouldn't have to pay for him any more should you?
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Are you in a community property state?
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Get Book "In Side the O'Brien's" about a man getting Huntington's Disease. Will get back to you with the Chapter # to read first. Than read the whole book. Good read. Informative read.
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Reply to 126Cher
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Hi, It is KM 1027 in response to Veronica 91 and Amy Grace. Yes, we are in a marital property state, so he gets all that is mine, since we are married. He has no money left. In response to a divorce, here in WI, we are in a state that rates next to last as to help or care for the elderly. Our Gov. Walker who is running for President brags on how he cut our budget and cleared up the deficit. What he doesn't tell you is that he did by cutting care to the elderly and money for schools.
So, currently, I believe in any state, you have to be divorced for 5 years before can claim anything for yourself. In other words, I am still responsible for him and all his bills for 5 years after the divorce, So we can rule out divorce at this point.
Next, yes, I can keep my house, my car and my personal belongings and, here is the kicker, I get only $ 50,000. for the rest of my life to live on- not $ 50,000 a year- $ 50,000 for possibly the next 20 years! So in reality you cannot afford to live in your house and pay your bills, taxes, insurance and on and on. So it ends up that you are forced to sell your house and guess what? Our state just passed a law that if you sell your house, you get to keep not one cent. The government in WI has now the right to take all your profit for the Alzheimer patient ( my husband) and so then the community spouse ( me) is forced to move into a rooming house, or anything dirt cheap so you can live on the measly money they give you, If you live another 15 years and try to live on the $ 50,000. they give you, you can use only $ 3,300 or it per year, if you want it to last 15 years. I have no pension. I get $ 760;/mo. social security. and that's it! I always like to explain to people who say, " Oh, you get to keep your house!" Yes, but who give you the money to pay the taxes, insurance and all the other bills you get when you own a house. It can't be done.
Thanks for your response, but getting back to the first basic question of wishing your spouse would die- I have to say " Yes". If he doesn't, which it looks like he won't as he is fairly young and physically healthy, due to his
$ 100,000 per year assisted living costs, diapers, meds etc. in 4 years I am toast! KM1027
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KM1027 what would happen if you rented out your house and rented something cheaper for yourself?
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I live in a condo and the association has strict rules that no one may rent their property out. Thanks for the idea though. The thought of moving at age 75 seems daunting, especially since I just moved here 1 year ago from a bigger house and did it all by myself. Filled 2 dumpsters and packed every single thing myself. My kids live fairly near, but are not helpful and all work. KM1027
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KM1027 - Oh wow. That is unbelievable! Can an attorney help you at all? Have you thought about moving you and "spouse" to another state? (using the term loosely since he isn't much of one!) It might be well worth it! Yes, if I were in your situation, I would wish for him to die too. Don't feel guilty, his life isn't worthwhile, and he is making yours miserable. Many years ago I was married to an alcoholic. He did nothing to help me, ignored the kids, was lazy and emotionally cruel. When he didn't come home from work I knew he was in a bar, sponging off his friends, getting drunk. He would drive himself home at 3am, drunk, crawl into bed stinking of booze and sleep until noon. Yes, I know exactly how you feel - I used to think the only way we would be free of him was if he wrapped the car around a tree! (But, after many years, I divorced him, the kids and I struggled, but I found myself a wonderful man in the end. I truly hope your story will end the same - with happiness.)
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I really feel for you, and your mother as well. She is here on the earth to do much, than what she could ever do on the other side. Sometimes karma can be rough, but this is what she is going through right now. Don't lose yourself, in the midst of trying to save your mother. You remind her, that she has chosen this path, and you refuse to allow her to take you down with her. Isn't your peace worth fighting for no matter who it is? You let her no, if she does not behave herself, or seek some assistance for herself where there can be some respectable peace for the both of you, you will be forced to find another place for her to live at, that would be more suitable for her,and her needs.
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