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Graceterry is living up to her name. My response to Raven1's comment is not so generous.

To say we 'all' feel guilt is to assume .. no, is to try to pressure us to feel guilt. Not once have I felt an iota of guilt, remorse or regret at wishing for my mom's death. It was *her* wish, after all.

Don't presume on everyone's behalf. Some of us do not have the same belief system as you.
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Reply to LadeeC
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Wow is right! I had no idea there were so many people with problem mother's like mine...I really appreciate this site...I feel better. Had a very rough visit with my mom today and she got a bit mean with me..I am the only one to do her errands,bills, laundry,etc. It's been going on for months and she does not even try anymore to get better...today she told me to just stay away....as I sat there on her bed with her bills made out and ready to mail..so I said ...who will you get to do this for you? And she changed her tune real fast...She used to be just depressed now the mean is coming out..as I knew it would....so thank you all for telling your stories...we must all hang in there as it can not go on forever and we can get our lives back :)
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Reply to tiredmom4
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Well a very interesting topic as I think we all think this at times! My mum has NEVER been happy a very angry and negative woman who drove my dad away years ago never really made friends has fallen out with her own family etc... BUT shes been there for us, a burden YES impossible to please YES always negative and hard to make happy had a MISERABLE life and reminds me everyday of how bad her life has been but shes my mum and im trying my damnedest to help her and its not easy I dont want her to die I want her to have peace I want to beleive really believe that she will be a happy person in the next life I really want to beleive that.
I hope she wont suffer too long with this and die peacefully and quickly I feel she will?? If when she dies I hope to God I will see it on her face a huge smile that finally my mums found happiness and peace!
Hugs to all, as this is tough and nobody would want this for anyone to go through I hate this disease and I hate what its doing to me and my family but most of all what its doing to her.
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Reply to kazzaa
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Add me to this list of those experiencing narcissistic aging parents in poor mental and/or physical health who are miserable, making everyone around them miserable. I have been dealing with my mother for several years. She is alcoholic and smokes like a chimney. I've got my own physical limitations and was forced to move in with mom nearly 2years ago. It's been HELL and I find on a daily basis I'm wishing I'd never moved in, and wishing that mom would just die. She's miserable and moody, dementia is setting in. I'm here to basically keep her out of assisted living as long as possible, she'd rather die in her own home. This has taken such a toll on me and my sister that we just wish she'd go peacefully in her sleep so we could then have some joy and peace the rest of our lives. I'm exhausted on a daily basis. Yes I'm in counseling, taking anti anxiety-anti depression meds also taking exercise and meditation, relaxation classes so I am trying to "take care of myself. Anyway, bless you all, for knowing I'm not in this alone helps. This website has been a great source of comfort and information for me.
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Reply to Carek1230
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You are in good company. I think many of us reach a point, as caregivers, that we just want the one in our charge to just go ahead and die. You are right in that, especially with Alzheimer's and dementia patients, their death would not only bring them peace at last but it would also bring you and your family some peace and closure.
I was having something of a crisis of faith because I've been hoping, and even praying, that my MIL dies very, very soon. She was always an extremely bigoted, judgmental, and egocentric person. Her Alzheimer's has only worsened all the negative aspects of her personality and behavior.
Then a dear friend gave me a new perspective. He said it is not wrong to hope and pray for her death because Alzheimer's and dementia are the slow and agonizing destruction of one's personality, the slow dying of all the traits, good and bad, that make the person what he or she is (or was). He went on to say that wishing/praying for her physical death was in the same category as wishing or praying for the death of a cancer patient who is in great pain or wanting the death of an accident victim whose recovery would mean, at the very best, living a very poor quailtiy of life constantly in extreme pain.
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Reply to Mimsey
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You are NOT WRONG. There are worse things than death, and that is a miserable life. I'm an RN 30+ years and know from eperience as well as my own parents. Forgive yourself and know that you are loved.
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Reply to gr8fulnurse
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My mother has passed away in March and I can relate to all responses give.
Dementia made what was little left of her life miserable. She had all the negative traits that you all have referred to and I also asked God to take her, for her good and for mine. Let me just tell you that when the time comes no matter how it goes you will feel guilt for hoping for her to die. It seesaws between knowing it is the best but feeling guilty that I wished for it. Don't be afraid to surround yourself with close friends and family and express your feelings. Just having them reassure you makes you KNOW that the guilt is not justified. There are many people out there who are going through the same thing.
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Reply to TreadingWater
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you cant blame a caregiver for wanting to resume their own life but for that to happen you have to imagine an elder crappy-ing off. its a damned unavoidable guilt trip and mind game with your own being and ethics. my mom is gone a month now and i even miss her demented craziness but i have to admit i feel like i just got out of prison or something. my time and energy are my own now.
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Reply to anonymous158299
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Is it wrong to hope someone dies? Not from where I'm sitting.

I hope my mom passes peacefully, in her sleep, very soon...for her sake, and mine. Neither one of us is living life...we're both just enduring it. She as a sick elderly patient with late stage Alz/dementia, me as her care taker. My mom's death is the only thing that will free us both.
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Reply to StandingAlone
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Belle, thank you for sharing what you really feel! Your not alone, your speaking up allows me to voice yep thought the same thing myself. My father's dementia cause harm everyday I'm with him! Sure he can't help some of this but he's always been difficult and a narcissist, he's so miserable, so is my mother. I look at them sometimes and wonder why God do you keep them alive, what's the purpose they are so unhappy, they make anyone who has to spend in time with them miserable at some point, brought me to tears often in the past month. I've been in therapy for years trying to get past the upbringing I had. It was horrible my mother beat me, my father drank. Now there is their late 80's and I find myself wanting to scream when the attorney says your parents are delightful! Sure they can be that's what's so crazy making they really can be sweet kind and giving. But I cry a lot dealing with them I've lost my job no insurance, now maybe my house. Because going back to help for a month was only putting a band aid on a gabbing wound. So don't feel bad Belle wishing at times they would pass. I believe we're all living longer not better! We strive to stay alive and many times I've had to ask myself is this the quality of life I want NO!
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Reply to Zoolife
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I wouldn't wish dementia/ alz on anyone. I'd rather die young with my mind in tact than live to be 90 with it gone... This disease is a cruelty. There's no dignity in this type of death, and all we can do is try to maintain whatever dignity there is to be had for them, by keeping the elderly safe, clean, fed, to make sure they're not alone, etc... It's hell on the person with the disease, and it's hell on the care giver. I want my mom to die. And I don't. I'm glad she smiles and laughs when I'm around. But she's declined so far now... Every time I leave from a visit I end up crying my eyes out, then I feel like I'm on the verge of tears half the day here lately...

I want my mom to start that brand new adventure that is death. I don't see death as some cold hole in the ground, or floating on clouds... I have a very different version of what happens after death, and in my mind, it's going to be a wild, joyful ride where the impossible becomes possible, and dragons in some distant galaxy are flying the skies and I get to meet them... Yeah, there are a whole lot of things worse than that..
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Reply to StandingAlone
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"Death is the only certainty in life,for us, our loved ones.One day each of us will pass from life as we know it over to the unknown."
But what of the spirit;where does all that life,vitality and energy go? Surely it just cant end? some say it does. Others believe there is something more.

This is a book im reading at the moment its very interesting im not overly religious but i do believe that there is something else after death something wonderful and this book confirms that.
The book is called "there are no goodbyes" will let you know what i think when ive finished it but right now Im finding it comforting to read and would like to believe that there is something else out there!
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Reply to kazzaa
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There is no shame in wanting a narcissitic & borderline personality parent to die when circumstances make you a caregiver.
I am in such a sitaution. My mom & I have never gotten along. She was abusive during my childhood. Her health problems are largely the result of her poor choices (i.e. she loved to wear heels, but she was between 230 & 250 lbs and had numerous falls which have caused chronic back problems). She is diabetic but fails to monitor her blood sugar, exercise, or diet. I've been dealing with her poor health for 30 yrs. Now she refuses to go to any doctor. She is an controlling, critical, angry, & negative person that has no friends. When I act as a caregiver I feel as though I am being used & manipulated. My mom is a never ending bottomless pit of need & anger. She refuses to take any responsibility for her health or to see the health professionals that could treat her ailments. She doesn't want any in home help of any kind. She is willfully blind to the effects of her poor mental & physical health on her family (both my dad & I have our own health issues). She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I see no end to her increasing decay. The problem is that she is competent so I can not make any medical decisions for her against her will. There are times when I am overwhelmed & wish for her death. My hope is that I will become distanced from this day to day hell once I move out. Then her problems become more her own. Perhaps my resentment & anger towards her will decrease. I can not continue to let her dictate my life. However I worry about leaving my dad alone to deal with her. He deserves better as well.
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Reply to sienna2125
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This question is dated March 2012. Is there an update from Belle Fleur?
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Reply to pamstegma
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you are not alone in wishing she would die. sounds like my mother in law. It would be better for her and you too so why feel guilty. My husband has dementia he ask the Lord every day to let him die. I wish he would die also for his own sake and mine also. I tell him the Lord is not ready for him yet. Just remember the Lord is always with You talk to him.
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Reply to wonderful
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What is the expected life of some one who has dementia?
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Reply to wonderful
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good question but nobody really knows? I think it has alot to do with thier physical health aswell, for example my neighbours father has been suffering with als for years over ten BUT he is in very good health and at 88 who knows just how long he will live? my mum will not live very long as she has too many complications diabetes,high blood pressure,high cholestrol and does NOTHING to make her life better so hopefully we will not have to see her suffer for too long? but who knows? even going for a short walk everyday could delay her dementia but she couldnt careless?
I wish i could have some peace as im not coping with her and her negative world I wish her peace and if that means death then im prepared for that.
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Reply to kazzaa
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according to alice cooper in wicked young man, he never ever sleeps he just lies in his bed wishing for the day when everybodys dead. seems a bit rash but who wants to argue with a crank zombie?
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Reply to anonymous158299
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Belle, I, too, have thought about this and have asked God to understand. It may sound selfish, but my husband is terminally ill and I want him to go peacefully. Instead, he insists on opting for chemo that is making him very ill. Our oncologist told us that we should "get our affairs in order" rather than live out the rest of our lives this way. Your thoughts are among many that others like me have, and my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most generous human being I've every known. I just want him to die in peace without pain and sickness. You are not alone, Belle.
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Reply to Joanne19335
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It is hard to watch someone we love suffer and struggle... Have you talked with anyone at hospice Joanne19335??? I cared for my Father when he had cancer. I do not think the Drs realized how ill he was... He chose not to have chemo we did "comfort care". He looked right at me and said if I am terminal I wish to terminate. I said I know Daddy and you will... He did die peacefully and with dignity.... I miss him EVERY day however I know he is in heaven!
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Reply to Jaye
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I was just talking to a few friends today about this very subject. My father had a tortured childhood his mother was horrible beat him, belittled him. He grew up angry, insecure, deeply wounded acting out. Married my mom who beat the hell out of me when I was girl when she was so frustrated with my dad his drinking. I acted out as child for attention the reason. I mention all of this because it's history my history it's generational curves we all have them to some degree. When you are this damaged then do not heal up emotionally I believe I'm seeing the misery of my parents lives play out in front of me. They still live with the misery they no longer can get away from themselves. My mother has lost most of her memory good of her, my father still angry bitter, holding on always ready for a fight. The dementia makes it all worse out of control worse. I pity them then other times I feel so sorry for them. They had such full exciting lives not all is lost, now they simply exist without even the memories of any good times. Yes I want them to be at peace it hurts me to see them suffer immobility, pain in their bodies, death is creeping in on them it seems at times then there's reprieve. It's hard to deal with them, but I imagine even harder being them. I pray God will give them peace, either living or seems it will only come in death. In the crossing over I can tell my father is in fear of the crossing, my mother told my years ago she was ready. I love them enough I hate to see them suffering in fear this way where their minds hold them captive, now they are prisoners there in what ever goes on in what's left of their minds!
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Reply to Zoolife
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Zoolife, this is just one more example of what I have said many times: there are much worse things than death. Blessings to you and to your parents. Grace~
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Reply to graceterry
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Sometimes it just has to be. No one is infallible. What ever the situation is, do not feel guilty. You are only human!
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Reply to Labs4me
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Oh, darling. You poor love. Are you not so much wishing she would die as wish the misery and suffering would end? I know they have to go together, so this sounds a bit weaselly, but it's the end to suffering you want to happen. I don't see how you could not wish for that. No, it's not wrong. It will be natural to feel relief; only - be careful. Regret won't end when your mother dies, get rid of as much as you can while she's here. Big hug.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Belle;

I deeply understand how you feel. Our Dad most of his life was a mean man, mostly verbally. I'm surprised us 5 kids survived the mental cruelty that I wouldn't even do to a dog let alone a human being especially a child growing up. Watching him beat or Mother so many times and us running out of the house. Then when we all grew up and our Mother passed away we were left with the decision. take care of him or not. For years we ALL tried to prove to him how much we loved him but he never believed us. I guess he never did because he was so busy being mean he always thought we were being kind with a plot. His mental illness finally took a toll on ALL 5 of us when he started needing 24 hour care. We ALL agreed to put him in a Nursing Home not too far from where he lived. Two months later at the age of 86 he passed away during the night with not one of his kids by his side. Sounds cruel ? No it wasn't. You see we all took turns visiting him at least 4 to 5 times per week to check on him, spend several hours with him, eat with him, put cigarettes in his mouth and lit them even though he could barely hold them in his mouth. He was demanding up until his death.When he died someone had just been with him the evening before his death. Apparently the Nursing Home when we told them Hospice was called, they quit taking care of him for some reason. I never saw a Hospice person in his room when I visited. When our Mother died we had 24 hour Hospice and were all there when she breathed her last breath because she showed signs of dying. Our Daddy took a turn for the worst. I think myself he had a massive stroke and it killed him in his sleep. Of course since he was so old, no one at the nursing home or Doctor did an autopsy on him . It was like no big deal. I guess it wasn't after all. I know how you feel. God is still healing all of us from our past. GOD IS GOOD !
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Reply to Sherry777
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Its kind of like our Mother constantly all the time would say "Oh Jesus help me" Oh help me please dear sweet Jesus". I finally got so tired of hearing her say that that I looked her right in the face and said " Mother what makes you think Jesus isn't helping you? I'm right here helping you. Can't Jesus Mother be a blessing through your children ??? " Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus dearly but sometimes you just have to look them right in the face and make them face the facts of reality ! That's all I have to say. Please don't judge me.
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Reply to Sherry777
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'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' Matthew somewhere or other, I'm no good at chapter and verse, quoting Jesus Himself. Sherry, what are you worried about being judged for? You are indeed being Jesus in action, so what you said to your mother was both true and comforting - even if you only said it through sheer exasperation at the time! You're a great daughter x
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I have cared for my Grandparents and also my Father all of whom I loved dearly... However when you watch someone you love suffering and know that their death is close, I DO not think it is wrong to pray for their death! I know that I will see my Grandparents and my Father in heaven some day when I die. I am now my Mother's primary caregiver and she has dementia. I know that she would love to be in heaven and I know she will be happier. I do believe God is soverign and he decides but I do not think we are wrong to ask. When you love someone you want them to have peace.
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Reply to Jaye
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Death is part of the life process. We will all die. Watching suffering that cannot be helped in this lifetime is agony and wanting someone you love to be out of pain is never wrong. You have a big heart - no reason for guilt.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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Reply to Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
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My dad just saw the neurologist and he said that he's doing better. Forgive me, God, but I felt "oh, no, when is it going to be over?". Yes, I feel guilty.
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