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Mom is 91 years old and is getting very demented. She can’t do anything for herself, except for the bathing and dressing which is getting more difficult. All she does all day is ask me questions about stupid things like what is that blue thing outside. It goes on like this all day every day and I honestly can’t take it anymore; patience has run out! My sister takes care of her the rest of the year because she works from home but honestly she will see a difference when mom goes back home. She canceled me to take mom for the summer's but I’m done how can I convince my brother and sister it’s time for assisted-living?

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Middle, I see from last year about this time that both you AND your sister had had it with caring for mom.

It's way past the time for you to say " I can't do this anymore, sis. Is it better for mom to be in AL near you, near us or near brother?"

When our family had this conversation, we made the decision based upon cost, access to good medical care and which sibling had the best and most flexible schedule in case in emergencies.
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You can't convince them, but you can resign your services with a simple, gentle and loving letter that you are sorry, but you have reached your own limitations, and will not be assuming care of Mom any more. This then leaves it in their own hands. You Sister can continue caring 24/7 lifelong, or there can be arrangements for Assisted Living. Don't think to dictate what your Sister should/could do. Let her come to her own conclusions. You cannot change others, and not everything can be agreed upon, fixed, or made all nice. You are finished. I admire that you have reached that conclusion and decided you must now be allowed your own life. Now the ball is in your Sister's court. She must decide for herself how to move forward. In so far as you are able, avoid all argument. Explain gently that you are sad about this but you have no other choice for your own mental and physical good, and you are making the choice to now have your own life.
This won't be easy. But you have recognized your limitation. Simply let your Sister and you Brother know this. They may feel they have to accuse and abuse; hopefully not. If they do, simply gently lay down the phone and walk away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
I love this answer, Alva! It’s smart because some people don’t like to be told what to do.

Some don’t even like suggestions but if the OP handles it this way she comes across only as making the decision that she will no longer be responsible for her mother’s caregiving.

The ball is then in her siblings court to make a wise decision or not. As long as the OP doesn’t want to be involved in the decision of where mom is placed, this idea works beautifully. The stress level goes down to nothing regarding the matter because she isn’t involved any longer.
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"...She canceled me to take mom for the summer's but I’m done..." Do you mean for next summer?

When does your mother go back to your sister's place? Summer is almost over - Saturday, September 22nd to be exact.

As BarbBrooklyn pointed out, you and your sister had had enough of caring for your mother last year. Who kept trying to make it work?

I would write a letter to your sister and copy your brother on it explaining what you've observed this summer and how you feel going forward and send it back in your mother's bag. Phrases like
"All mother did all day was ask me questions like what is that blue thing outside. It went on like that all day and every day"
"I feel that I must step away from helping with mother for my own wellbeing"
"I feel that our mother's dementia has worsened and she would be better off in memory care"
"I have researched memory cares within driving distance of all of us and believe mother would be well cared for at any one of these"
"I hope you, me and brother agree that mother's needs are only going to increase"

All you can do is be honest about how you feel and establish healthy boundaries for yourself. If your sister and brother want to keep trying to roll the stone up the hill, that's their choice. By writing the letter they cannot say they didn't know how bad it gotten for you.
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I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation on a daily basis. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting to be a caregiver.

I feel like you expressed yourself very clearly to the forum so tell your family the same thing that you told us.

You can even wait for responses given here if you like and let her read outside objective opinions for herself.

If my suggestion about the posts doesn’t appeal to you, disregard it. You know your sister and most likely know how she would respond.

Best wishes to you and your family. I sincerely hope that you will find a suitable living facility for your mother as soon as possible. You can visit her and be a daughter instead of her caregiver.

I realize Covid has changed certain things but if visiting is allowed wherever she is placed you and your sister can go to see her without the burden of daily care.
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Middlekid60 Sep 2020
I read about stage five on the Alzheimer’s list symptoms and progression. I know it varies patient to patient but this is spot on! Recently she is suspecting things about me, and not trusting me when it comes to her medicine, etc. I fix her meals three times a day, try to keep her engaged in daily activities/television, reading taking short walks and puzzles! But I simply cannot sit and converse with her anymore because it’s always the same four things over and over and over again. I’m exhausted! I think I just needed to vent so thanks for the reply. I have 4 1/2 weeks to go and I will make it, but this is my last time...counting the days. I know I will be able to be a better daughter once she is not my responsibility all day/ every day.
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There is no need to justify your feelings to me. I had my mom full time for 15 years. I am thrilled that you are realizing so much sooner than I did that it’s a very tough job. I felt a need to vent too. So vent as much as you like. That’s what this forum is for.

You have an extremely tough job. Your mom has Alzheimer’s disease. My mom has Parkinson’s disease but without dementia.

My godmother had ALZ. I would go see my father in the hospital then stop at the nursing home to see my godmother for a short while. It was heartbreaking to see this once vibrant woman deteriorate.

I can’t imagine how it must be seeing your mom this way. They are no longer the same person inside.

You’re right. You will make it. I do hope that your sister is cooperative about your mom’s care. It’s time. It’s most likely past time for her to receive proper care with a staff. One person simply can’t do it all.

I nearly killed myself trying to raise my kids, be a wife and a caregiver all at once. It’s never easy for anyone.

Stick around you will hear many stories. Many will be more applicable to your situation than mine because their parents or spouse has Alzheimer’s disease like your mom.

Take care. Many hugs for you.
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Calmly tell you sister how you feel and the idea about assisted living.
It's difficult indeed. But things need to change. Maybe talk to a social who can help.
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Chances are the only convincing you’ll need to do will focus on convincing the “caregiver” who’s doing the least care.

Family conference, in person, Zoom, whatever. Try to stay away from anything but why mom will get the best, most loving care 24/7. You and your sister KNOW that your patience is wearing then and that you’re exhausted.
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Your sister will find out when she takes Mom. Working from home will not be easy when caring for a person suffering from Dementia. She will find out. Then you tell her and siblings that Mom needs more care than you all can give her. You just have no patience to do this.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2020
"You just have to "have" patience to do this" not "no"
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Why does your brother get off scot-free? When does he do caregiving?

You can't be responsible for what others do, but you can decide that YOU will not participate in the caregiving anymore.
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You can call your siblings & have the 'It's time' chat. Time for a new plan. Simply state that Mother's care needs have increased past what you can offer.

They may not wish to 'rock the apple cart' (especially if it is working for them). I don't think you need to waste time trying to convince them, put your energies into researching the next steps insted. What agencies can advice you about funding & types of places?

My suggestion is don't ask the sibs to accept your new direction - it's going to happen - ask them to join you making the new plan.
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