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I'm 65 years old, married 44 years, managing my dad's care for almost 8. This site has been a lifesaver for me on numerous occasions as there have been some bad times for him, but these days, he is stable in MC. But now it's about ME! My husband retired in 2019. but I continually feel like he wants me to entertain him. We do, however, have vacation property that he goes to in spring/summer/fall just 2 hours’ drive from here. Sometimes I go too but time by myself is so important, and I enjoy it so much, so I usually stay home. I continue to work, which is my choice. I am a data analyst for a large company. I've been doing this for 10 years and have earned respect of my coworkers and make a comfortable living. We have been work-from-home since Covid. I really like what I do and have no intention of quitting anytime soon, which has caused issues here, but I feel like this is MY choice and no one else's, not to mention, I can't afford to quit. I've seen what things cost as you age from being my dad's guardian and conservator. I also do 3 Zumba classes a week and my husband and I work out with a personal trainer 1 day a week. I enjoy crafting and have sewing and a Cricut. There seems to be this push for me to 'get a life'. If I hear it one more time, I will scream. I have a life I am quite happy with but no one else seems to believe or understand that. My husband doesn't want to hear about work anymore (I've been leading a project for my team the last 3-1/2 years so long hours) or Zumba anymore, nor does the rest of my family. (Just my husband and I here at home). Last year we sold dad's house which took most of a year. Family got tired of hearing about that too. So, for the most part, I pretty much clam up about what's going on in my life and then people wonder why I'm so quiet. At the urging of my husband to find something to do (i.e., I think he wants me to become passionate about something other than work or Zumba), I purchased myself a telescope for Christmas and am taking an astronomy class at the community college this term. I also signed up for Zumba instructor training in March. It's been on the 'bucket' list for a while. Not necessarily to teach, just to see what the training is about.
He says I'm too set in my ways. I'm not spontaneous enough. Sorry, I function better on a schedule. It's my accounting brain. I feel this constant push from my husband and kids to change. I don't want to change, I don't feel the need to change, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing. Am I wrong? Why can't others accept me for who I am and what I do? Isn't this MY CHOICE? I feel like after 44 years of marriage, that I should at least have some control of my life. Do other seniors go through this from their spouse and kids?

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I had to go and have a little lie-down after reading your To Do list. Heavens on earth, what more do they want from you?!

There's a line in Framley Parsonage where a mother is worried that her daughter is treating an eligible suitor too coldly - "she could no more teach Griselda to be impulsive than she could teach her to be six feet high, but could she perhaps teach her to *seem* so..?"

When DH says you're not "spontaneous enough" does he actually mean you should whoop off to the cottage with a merry laugh when in fact you have a project all lined up? Can you tell him - or anyone else who's dropping ten ton hints on your foot - that you've had a spontaneous urge to get on with what you wanted to do in the first place?
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My take is that when people tell you to “Get a life” what they MEAN is that YOU Should get THEIR life.

My bucket list included learning to play the tuba, and I’m a work in progress.

I LOVE playing the tuba. My husband likes me to be happy. I play the tuba.

He loves gardening, tinkering, and politics.

He has a niche I have a niche, we’re both happy.
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It sounds like you have a very rich and fulfilling life. If those aren't the hobbies and activities people want you to do…well, who cares?

I'm 57. Recently had my 24 year old son tell me all the things my hubby and I should do to have a better life. Erm, we've been blissfully married for more than 30 years, have a lovely home, travel and see friends and family as much as we want to (and as little as we want to). My son has been out of grad school for 6 months, is unmarried and living on his own for the first time in his life.

You have to laugh sometimes.
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Sounds like the rest of the family thinks you AND your husband retired when that's not the case. You still work, so a schedule still rules a significant part of your life.

Just ignore them.
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I feel irritated FOR you by how your DH & family is treating you! What does 'get a life' mean, exactly, when you HAVE a life, and a full one too, by the sound of it! It's insulting to say otherwise! What would they have you do, invent a new medication to cure cancer, for crying out loud? What constitutes a 'full life' in THEIR estimation? What is it THEY are doing that qualifies as a 'full life' that you are 'lacking in' exactly? What 'changes' do YOU need to make that would suddenly thrust you into the 'useful human' category in THEIR eyes, I wonder? Perhaps you should ask them that very question. And when you get their answer, remind them that you are perfect exactly as YOU ARE and they should be able to see that and acknowledge it!

I'm 65 myself. I do what I do and I am who I am. Whoever doesn't appreciate me as is, can go suck an egg. Honestly. I didn't work to get where I am in life for all these years to now be told what I'm 'not'. You know? I am a child of God and just for THAT reason alone, I am more than enough, as are you.

God bless you and help you realize your worth and your value in this world. Nobody has to 'do' or 'be' anything in particular to HAVE value, either, as our very presence is enough. What you do for your dad and your family alone is proof of all you DO give back in this world! You're definitely not wrong with your thought process.

I'm sorry your tone deaf family is making you feel badly; it's unwarranted and rotten of them to be doing so. Let them know that, too. It's not okay to push off OUR feelings on OTHERS.

I just got highly irritated at DH for not doing what I didn't expect him to do in the first place. Sigh. I'm going to go into the living room and give him a kiss on his forehead. It's okay that he is who he is........I have to make adjustments for his shortcomings, as he does for me. That's what love does. We accept one another for who we ARE, and we all need a reminder of that once in a while. Thanks for yours today.
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Babs75 Dec 2022
I think part of this is from the fact the grandkids live so close - 5 doors down. Parents both work. I know they would love it if I quit my job to babysit but I have no intention of doing that. Kids are in private preschool. I love my grandkinds in short bursts - they are both under age 5. Exhausting! We see them a couple times a week. Since my husband retired, he helps out where he can (i.e. preschool cancellation) and sometimes he brings them over while I'm working. I spend a few minutes with them then go backupstairs to work. It's like 'well, grandma has to work'. Yes, I have to work and I feel I'm obligated to my employer for 8 hours per day, and usually more. As an fyi, my husband just doesn't understand why I enjoy time up in my office after working here all day. It's my space. I can't really do that when he's here without hearing about it. "You're on the computer too much!", he says. When he's at our property, I often spend my evening up here with the TV on either working or managing dad's stuff. I'm a data analyst for a living, i.e. computer geek, where my husband HATES the computer. It's an awkward environment.
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YOU are just fine. Your husband is the one who needs to get a life.
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I got the impression that your husband wants you to do things HE wants to do. I'm 55 and husband is 73. I just retired while he retired 3 years ago. I intend on going back to work part time next year and he cannot understand why. While we both have hobbies (separate and together) that we love, I am finding him watching tv way too much of the time. I don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life doing that. I love being home and around him but I'm starting to feel that I am at home a little too much.

We met at work but several years ago I changed jobs. We used to talk about work non-stop but once I changed jobs he no longer wanted to hear about my work. Life is too short. Do all those things on your bucket list.
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Babs75, I remember way back when my Dad had retired, back then one had to leave at 65, thankfully that law was changed. Anyway, Dad got to retired and he puttered around the house as he liked to fix things....

Mom was wondering when she could retire from cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, etc. What she did when Dad was acting bored she handed him the vacuum cleaner, and she had him come along when she was grocery shopping even though that chore bored him to death [bored me, too]. Eventually they signed up to do volunteer work and did that for the next 20 years.

Keep on working, Babs. I also have that "accounting brain" worked for a wonderful boss and we were hoping to work forever. We were like Perry Mason and Della Street. Sadly covid came along and my boss died at 85 and I closed up the business at 74. I am going stir crazy at home. Even my own volunteer work at a hospital was stopped after my 20 years due to covid restrictions, my age made me a risk. My hubby is working part time and he is 76, this is his third career, so I am glad that keeps him busy.
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From a slightly different perspective:

Something in your post jumped out at me. You say your husband retired in 2019, but you didn't because you can't afford to. So my question is: was the original "plan" that you would BOTH retire around the same time? And if so, would your husband have considered postponing his retirement had he understood that he would be "retired alone", so to speak?

I only ask this because when my husband and I started to get serious, I was aware his plan was to work until he "aged out" or our job; but it was my intention to retire after my 20 years. Now, that's not exactly the way it happened, as things changed, but if your plans had been you would both retire near each other, and then you changed the script, so to speak, that might explain your husband's attitude.

Mind you, I am NOT advocating for you to give up your life and likes for your husband's sake; I'm just wondering, that after 44 years of marriage, why, suddenly (or so it seems) that your husband wants you to change your ways and who you are. That's assuming you've been like this for the entirety of your marriage, that is.
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Babs75 Dec 2022
No, it was never the plan that I retire. He was in a maintenance position and he was just getting too old to be doing that. He's 3 years older than me. My mom worked until she was 75. Can't say I'll make it that long. I'm thinking maybe 70 or maybe at least move to something part time then.
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If you love what you do for work you will never work a day in your life...To paraphrase an old adage.
You enjoy your work so it would be silly to stop doing what you enjoy doing.
If you hated every weekday and it brought you nothing but frustration then quit!
"Get a life" !!! My gosh you do more in your week than many do in a month.
You are active, engaged, you enjoy your time alone yet you enjoy time with family! What more could they want. ??
If your husband is feeling like he wants you to spend time with him when he goes to the vacation house maybe once in a while pack your laptop and work from home in your other home. He can still do his thing and you do yours but you can enjoy your after work time together.
YOU do not HAVE to change for anyone other than yourself. If and only when YOU feel like you want to make a change do you have to do so.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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