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I talked to dad Saturday night, my usual 7:00 p.m. call to my 93yo father five hours away living alone and still driving. He told me he'd had a fall a few days earlier, after coming home from his sister's funeral, but didn't want to worry me, so didn't tell me. Then he had a middle-of-the-night fall Friday/Saturday that had him trapped between a chair and a wall. It took him a good while to wiggle out. He decided to tell me this time. So we had "the talk." I told dad that for my peace of mind, I needed him to get a smart watch or a fall detection device. He was adamant that he did not want one.


Sunday, I got a call from his phone but it was a stranger who found him lying in the driveway after he fell getting out of his car. She called 911, then retrieved keys from his pocket and went into the house, found the phone, and dialed the number that called him the most. I am so grateful for her! He had laid there in the cold for over thirty minutes but no one could see him or hear him. It was a miracle she spotted him.


He broke his femur and they decided to insert a rod and some pins (screws?) on Monday. We packed and headed down, my sister and her husband also went down. We visited with dad, called in a priest for anointing of the sick, he joked with nurses and aides and doctors, but he was totally confused as to where he was and why. He came out of surgery still confused (maybe more because of the meds) and his numbers were excellent when we left.


At 2:00 a.m., I got "the call" followed by another saying the crisis was averted. At 4:00 a.m, another call. They had to intubate him (he had agreed to short-term intubation) and move him to ICU. My sister (a former nurse) said that this means we were going to have to choose to pull the plug, something she never wanted to face with family.


We stayed by dad's side and watched his numbers for hours. My sister finally said that even though he was on 100% oxygen, his number was dropping quickly. She told me that meant his brain was dying. My dad was a brilliant man and it made me sad to think of his brain slowly dying. We knew that the life ahead, if there were one, would not be what he wanted, and we chose to have them extubate him. Within minutes, he passed.


I started here on this forum back when dad was caring for mom after her stroke. She died in 2020. Dad became active again after COVID restrictions ended, even joined Planet Fitness! Saturday night he was at a chili cook-off, Sunday he dropped off tax papers to his account, and when he came home, he fell. He lived an active life, was known for his storytelling, had a wonderful career as a microbiologist / biochemist for a spice company, traveled the world for business and pleasure and then, just like that, he is gone.

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Oh, graygrammie. I am so sorry for your loss, and yet I feel as I did for my own Dad, who went in his early 90s, and who was so ready.
You are lucky. It is a relief for him and he managed to stay at home all this time and on his own, active. And had you for contact. I felt only relief as I stood outside my Mom and Dad's place taking in the cold, crisp air. No longer afraid for him. No longer afraid to stand helpless witness to his losses, terrified of what the next moments would hold. And to this day, being now 81, my dad isn't gone from me. I carry him with me every single day. Loving and understanding him more each moment.

My heartfelt condolences to you.
Please don't leave us. You are a beloved member of this community, and you can do your Dad honor by being here for others.
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graygrammie Mar 2, 2024
I can't go anywhere, AlvaDeer! I'm still dealing with a husband with many issues, the most defining at this time being heart failure and dementia. I need you folks here to keep me sane as I navigate daily life with him (it gets pretty ugly sometimes) and occasionally, I feel like I do have a bit of wisdom borne from life experience to share with others.
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My deep condolences for your loss. Something similar happened to my active and lively uncle, who fell at his 95th birthday party and passed a few days later. Such a shock.

I’m so sorry.
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I’m so sorry for your loss .

Take comfort in that he was living a full life as he wanted almost to the end .
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graygrammie Mar 2, 2024
Oh, I do. It makes me smile to think that he was spared the sorrow of going to a facility instead of home.
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I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a long and full live he lived. The sudden loss of such an active person must be a bit of a shock, and I'm sure he is greatly missed by those who knew him.
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I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved father. How wonderful that he was so engaged and active (Planet Fitness— wow!) to the end.

I hope you and your family are comforted by many happy memories of your dad.
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graygrammie Mar 2, 2024
When I called PF to cancel his membership, the lady on the phone pulled up his records and burst into tears. She said she didn't recognize his name when I said it, but she most definitely recognized his face. She said he was a delight to have there and kept them entertained with his stories.
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GrayGrammie I am sorry for the loss of your father. He sounds like he was one of the good ones. Your post and the love you had for him made me feel like I knew him too. I am glad he is at peace and this active and vibrant man was not stuck hooked up to tubes and laying in a hospital bed. You and your sister did the right thing for your dad.
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graygrammie Mar 2, 2024
Yes, I have no doubt that it was the right choice. Perhaps the hospital intubated him just to give us time to get there and process by his bedside before letting him go.
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I am so sorry for you and your family. Also a bit for myself that I never met this wonderful and full of life man. you are so blessed to have such great memories. And I believe you all made the choice he would have wanted. find peace in your memories.
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GG,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your father sounds like he was a very special dad. I am so very sorry for your loss.

He was blessed to have a wonderful daughter in his life. I’m sure that you meant the world to him.

I know that you will miss your dad terribly but hold the memories of him dearly in your heart.

Sending all my love and a bazillion hugs to you.
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I join others in offering my condolences on your loss..I realize it must be especially difficult as your father was so accomplished,still at 93 and would have seemed to have had more time left. He did live a long life and if it is any solace to you i would remark that his end came quickly and you did not have to endure a longer period of time with pain and suffering.
I hope in time you hold onto all he represented and can quiet your mind regarding his passing. It was his time to go.
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ElizabethAR37 Mar 1, 2024
Yes, GG's father sounds like a truly remarkable man. I imagine that he would not have wanted to "live" on in a gravely diminished condition. My husband (94) and I (87) should be so lucky to make our Final Exits quickly and relatively painlessly.
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Gray,

Your eloquent description and tribute brought tears to my eyes, as well. What a brilliant man your Dad was!

You are a wonderful, caring daughter.

I too, hope you stick around here. You've shared that there could be more caregiving around the corner for you. You need us, and we need your experience.

May God give you peace as you and your family face this new season. Sending you hugs and prayers for comfort.
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graygrammie Mar 2, 2024
Not going anywhere! This group has helped me in so many ways and the journey isn't over yet.
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