Why do the staff at Dad's nursing home seem so annoyed with me? Is it bad that I'm there so often? Am I doing something I shouldn't be?

We also visit MIL daily, at least one of us. When we are there we follow along with the plan so if she is having lunch we make sure we bring her out to the lounge to eat, if they are doing an activity we make sure we are bringing her out to maybe participate. The MC director is thankful we are there to “assist”. What we did find at the beginning, we made it more difficult for MIL if we holed up in her room for the visit, this disrupted the schedule and plan. When we leave it can be hard. We are in constant communication with the MC director after we leave to ensure we did not disrupt MIL.
having empathy for the staff works. Understanding their job is tough, and yes people may say they signed up for it, when really they didn’t sign up for such a staffing crisis and being overworked.
I would call a meeting and discuss openly if anything you are doing is making it worse for them and if so do they have any suggestions because you are visiting daily regardless. Always approach a problem with some solution ideas….no one wants to be known as that “complainer”.

My mom was in a rehab nursing home unable to stand or walk for months. And it was far away from here. The staff let her rot there. Never ever supplied a toothbrush. Nothing. It is wasnt for the daughter of the lady my mom shared the room with, my mom would have rotted to death in that bed. We are still friends with the daughter 13 years later. What my mom went through was horrible. This is why I have to do everything I can to make sure my mom never goes to one again. She suffered in there. I think its great you are close enough you can visit everyday. If you can take him out to dinner too. Don't let them push you around.

Wallace917: Perhaps you should pose your query to the staff, else if you remain silent, how will you ever know if they are annoyed, pleased or unfazed?

As a retired caregiver, I'd like to say something. You're probably not going to like this but a heads up to you.
At my job, there were family members that would come in cheerful and realized that we were always overworked and understaffed. They did not bring in food to make our monitoring of their LO intake a harder job on us. They brought in other fun things.. scarves, cards etc for their loved ones. They did not ring the bell needlessly and then get upset when we didn't arrive when they thought we should. They helped in areas that helped us. You're not the only one with a loved one that needs caring for. Some patients don't have loved ones that visit at all. When we see a loved one come in that doesn't mind helping out, you need to stick to OUR schedule, help us get your loved one to activities and help to socialize them. Don't go in their room and keep them from the outside world. That doesn't help after you leave. You're not there 24/7 and you could very well be disrupting the flow of things. Best is that you talk with staff, ask them how you can help with caregiving while you are there and don't be the type who whine over every little thing because you are paying big bucks to this business to care for your loved one. The business gets thousands of dollars every month from you while they sit behind their gorgeous wooden desk in a cushioned seat pushing pencil taking home thousands of dollars each month plus cush benefits. We as caregivers get a small pittance over min wage if we're lucky with not many benefits. Some of us are on food stamps to feed our family because our jobs don't pay a living wage. It's no wonder there's a shortage of caregivers. We're on our feet 8-16 hrs a day. We have families to. We have LO in facilities as well that we would like to visit. It is common on our day off to get a call asking if we could come in as they're are not enough workers. Sometimes there are rosters that if someone needs to be called in, you could be the next one on the list, any shift. So dont plan on doing anything fun with your family if you know you are next on the list. I haven't been to my family reunion in ages. They are disappointed but understand and i make it a point as they do, to keep in touch by text and email. So please forgive us if we don't have a constant smile, don't feel like chatting you up, don't come running within 5 minutes of your ringing bell just to be told that mum hasn't had her shower yet today. Helping us would be to give her a shower, then report to us what you have done to slacken our load. Guaranteed you'll get a smile and thank you and a friendly disposition. You saved us a few minutes instead of costing us a few minutes. Talk to us if you have a gripe before going to our supervisors. Give us a chance to help clear the air before you try getting us into trouble because supervisor is more than likely helping us with patients and she won't take kindly to hearing your gripe because that takes time away from other patients she is helping with and you'll be known as the complainer and staff will actually hate to see you walk in the door. Doesn't matter how many cookies donuts or flowers you bring. Help us to help you. That's what brings smiles to our faces on the day that i was suppose to do somthing special with my kid who is disappointed because she thinks her mom's patients are more important than her. I'm at the age now, I'm helping my mom who is in LF. I know exactly how to help my mom and to lighten the load for her caregivers. If you want to be known as helpful, all you have to do is smile and ask specifically what you can do to lighten their load, not yours. It makes a huge difference. Last week a caregiver brought me a small African Violet because i volunteered to help in the facility. I'm a widow with grown children now. My kids finally understand why i done what i did back in the day. They also do volunteer work 1 day a week. It takes a village.

They may be short staffed or they figure you are doing things for him so they don't. I live in assisted living and do everything l00% myself - then it gets done and properly. My problem is I can't walk but I find ways to force myself to do what normal 30 year old people do except walk - I do it all. Clean my room, tend to my kitty, laundry, bedding, medication, handle all my personal affairs l00% and even work two jobs - 52 years and 15 as a Power of Attorney. I will be 89. I can't stand them not doing their jobs properly or caring but I am stuck - where do you go if you can't walk?

They maybe afraid your going to take him home .

The staff may feel that he would benefit from more interaction with other residents and with the staff without you being present all the time.

When my dad was in rehab I saw him everyday. I helped feed him and take him outside. I was allowed to observe his PT sessions. I was careful not to get in the way of what the aides had to do but offered help if I could. Several times I brought cookies & cakes for the staff on each shift. Never did I feel my visits were an annoyance so I am not sure why this is happening.

I must be lucky and ended up with a good place for mom. She has been in a nursing home for dementia/anxiety for the last year and I go and see her for a few hours 5 days a week. The aides there are great to me and we all know each other by name.If I get there and she's doing an activity I just sit beside her and encourage her to participate.It's usually a fun free- for- all with the other residents involved. It's even one of my highlight of the visits.If the aides doing something with her I wait until they are done then start my visit.Usually we just sit together and talk quietly or rather I listen,even though her sentences aren't coherent. I don't feed her snacks or meals because they need to keep track of her food intake and I don't stay for her lunch because she won't eat if I do..As for the aides I try not to step on their toes and let them do what they do in their own time.There are about 25-30 residents in the memory unit and the aides are busy and can't always be there in a timely manner.Even tho I might like it done sooner,she is my mom after all,I leave it to them.This goes for bathroom visits too.When mom says she has to go I will tell them once but it will take a while until they are freed up enough to help her.I remind myself that she is wearing an adult diaper and it will be done when they can.I don't sweat the small stuff in her care for I know the big stuff is taken care of.If I ever think I might step in where I shouldn't I always ask first and they are good enough to be truthful.
Keep spending all the time you want with your dad.These are the precious years.And think of the love and bonding you are sharing with him by doing all the little things for him that some uncaring aide could be doing This is the time for memories with him.For this I could live with aides being annoyed

I do the exact same types of things for my mom at her facility. In addition, I try to give the staff flowers periodically, to say thank you.

I think that the nurses are actually relieved that they do not have to deal with my mom, when I am there.

Maybe it’s the opposite of what your feeling, maybe they are so short staffed and over worked that they are happy to have you there doing all those things and taking that time to tend to other residents. They also may feel you prefer they don’t do the things you have taken over and want to be left alone with him so they think they are taking their que from you. I would just talk to the staff maybe even taking the responsibility on yourself “ I hope I’m not stepping on toes by doing these things but I want to spend as much time as possible with my dad. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you”? Like someone said, honey.

Speak up to the staff. Ask them if you are interfering with your dad's treatment plan or staff's responsibilities. Let them know that you are there because you love your dad and want to be a help to them as well with his care. It may be that the staff are just stressed in general - so many places have a shortage of workers.

no you are not doing anything wrong talk to the nurse and ask her why they are bothered with you being there. maybe your dad has behaviors after you leave. i think some nurses forgot what is like to have family around since we couldn't for so long they forgot how to communicate with families

Maybe the staff feels you are showing them up in your attentiveness to your father. Or maybe they feel they and their efforts are being disrespected.

While its nice you visit every day. Are you always asking them if they have done something or ask them misc all the time? Maybe you are just sensitive?. I suspect you have caregiver burnout as well. I don't think it is healthy for you to visit every day. And he won't ever get used to being there alone, what happens if you have surgery or God Forbid something happens to you. I speak with experience from 3 loved ones previously. You need to think about yourself too. Trust me I had to leave my husband in memory care and at first it was horrible for him, he didn't understand why I didn't take him home. The home said to give it a break. I didn't go back for two weeks and now when I visit every other week he is happy and doing more and more of the activities. And my children notice how more at peace I am as I was running on empty.

Good Morning,

Use honey, that's right. Use honey. In other words kiss up, for example,
a box of donuts for the nursing staff, at Eastertime an Easter sweetbread if they make them in your part of the country.

You want them to know there is family around, we keep out of the way but show up and bring something to the table. People like to be thanked, even with the VNA help. Never hurts to send a thank you note.

Every institution is different...bottom line during this Pandemic everyone who works in the medical field was overworked, understaffed and for the most part underpaid.

Speaking for myself I like pizza. There's something pizza on a Friday. A pot of tulips from the supermarket for the nurses station. You don't have to spend a lot of money. And yes, I agree for $10,000 that should include social amenities, however, if a person were on Medicaid, you deserved to be treated well too.

If you go to these places at night, they are a different story and usually the staff is outsourced. I so agree with Burntcaregiver because you want them to know that you are checking in on your loved one and I wouldn't make any excuses for it. Any family member should be so lucky to have you.

There's a fine line between being gracious and not being considered a pushover.
You have to keep your edge too. I think you get what I mean.

Hope this helps...

I would ask them if he isn't asking for their help, making their job harder when you are not there. That could be happening.

Nothing gives them the right to be rude though.

I would try to talk with them to make sure there is a problem before going to their supervisor.

My dad was in rehab and the afternoon aid always looked like she was ready to fight a buzz saw. I always spoke friendly to her and asked her how she was, to no avail. However, she was the best aid and helped my dad anyway she could. My point being, don't go by looks, go by actions.

If your dad isn't getting any care except helping him dress, they are neglecting him and that is a HUGE problem and the NH should get turned in for lack of care, elder neglect and anything else but, make sure it's real 1st.

It's bad or them that you're there so often. Nursing homes don't like proactive family members that spend so much time with their loved ones. They don't like that there's a pair of eyes and ears around all the time and they are forced to be kept on their toes.
Good for you and your father is lucky to have you. I had a similar situation with some of the staff of the first nursing home my father was in. I came right out and asked what their problem was. Then told them that they were getting $10,000 a month for my father to be there and that kind of money deserves some basic courtesy to his family members. It wasn't the aide staff that were annoyed by us. It was the nursing staff and the administration.
Who cares if they're annoyed or not. You have every right to be with your dad as much as you like. He's a paying customer. He isn't there for free, so they really have no right to be "annoyed" with either one of you.

I'd flat out ask the staff why they seem so annoyed with you? It's your RIGHT to visit with dad whenever you'd like to, but it's THEIR job to see to his care. If all they're doing for him is changing his clothing, then there is something amiss in that NH. So if you find this NH to be substandard in their care of your dad, forcing you to do the care that they should be doing, I'd look into moving him into a better facility.

Good luck!

The one thing I liked about Mom's AL and later NH is I did not have to do do the toileting anymore, showering or dressing. My Mom was paying alot for the AL and I figured it was the CNAs responsibility. I tried to show them I appreciated everything they did. Would bake and take goodies in.

I would wonder how long you visit? Your Dad really needs to socialize and not depend on you too much. He should be relying on the aides as much as possible.

For his toenails the facility should have a podiatrist. Medicare pays every 10 wks to do this. The aides and staff are not allowed to cut nails and toenails. It has to do if not done correctly, like maybe cutting the person, can cause an infection. Those with diabetes should definitely use a podiatrist.

CNAs usually don't do routine cleaning in a NH. There are specific people who do it called Housekeeping.

I'm supporting suggestions that you write down very specific (and provable) incidences. "Seeming annoyed" is not the same as actual behaviors. The admin can't do anything with your subjective feelings but can with evidence of their employees' actual performance. My MIL is in LTC in a very well run facility and they don't always come right when buzzed, especially during or after meals.

I would speak with an administrator and make it clear you are not criticizing, but are wondering what is up. And no, I would think it is NOT about daily visits. Most staff finds this indespensible and wonderful in helping them out.
I would bring VERY specific things to this conference with the admin. For instance, "On such and such date we put the light on and were not answered for however many minutes; the staff was (was not?) aware I was in the room and could come for them in an emergency."
You diary will keep them updated. You can include what you "thought" tone of voice was when you asked a question. You can ask to see a care plan. Ask what level of care your Dad is on and what it includes. If you are POA for your Dad all of this is normal for you to ask/to know.
Wishing you good luck.

I get the same vibe when I come to visit my mom. I think a lot of workers feel like you're spying on them. And for me, I am. I would do less and less and let them do more and more. When you do too much, they feel like that reflects badly on them. Yes, they are overworked, but...I spent last night scrubbing the bathroom floor because they obviously don't know what a scrub brush and clorox is. I also had to bathe her because she hadn't had a bath in a week and they couldn't figure out how to drop the shower curtain rod down. Then someone came in to give her, her night medications, except wrong person and she doesn't have night meds. Incompetency runs rampant. I want the best care and I'll let them do their job, but oftentimes have to keep an eye out for them. I wouldn't take it personally, but I would ask them for help. I find most of the workers do want to help and do their job, but sometimes they need you to ask for the help. try that with the toenail clipping. As them for help and then do it together. It's a trust issue for them as much as it is for you.

I went every single day, twice on Saturdays and Sundays, for 5 1/2 years.

I accompanied my mom to dinner and activities. I adapted to HER schedule and lifestyle, and also assisted with whatever else I could (WHEN ASKED).

I didn’t bring snacks or meals because I knew that her dietary needs were met by her caregivers, and MONITORED by them.

I will tell you that “stay in his room” MAY not be in your dad’s best current interests. If he is receiving therapy, there may be goals in his therapy plans that need to be addressed in social settings. If you are removing him from planned late afternoon routines, it may make it difficult for staff to meet their obligations to his care.

Rules in residential care centers are now somewhat in disarray because of COVID. If you are in constant close contact (shaving, nail care) it is possible that your presence may suggest a potential concern for safety, as it does where I live.

You are a caring child, trying to do your best. Have you tried visiting with him in the dining room instead of taking him to his room?

How many times have you rung for an aide and were left unanswered?

How do you know that the staff doesn’t “do any other care”?

Have you visited enough during other times of day to have a sense of how time and activities are planned and managed when you aren’t visiting? Have you access to a staff member that can give you an overview of his typical day?

If you feel that staff is “annoyed”, you are certainly entitled to find out why, on dad’s behalf. But if you find out that your feelings are justified, keep in mind that you and dad’s care staff will achieve the best result FOR HIM if you can be on the same “team”.

You’re caring and concerned, and that’s great!

You're asking the wrong people. Ask the people who seem annoyed.

They probably aren't annoyed with you, they're probably tired and overworked and underpaid and with all kinds of issues of their own. It's a mistake to assume that because someone seems grumpy it's the result of anything you've done.

Having said that, I personally consider it part of my job to present as upbeat, positive and cheerful to clients and their families no matter what is going on behind the scenes. If the staff in your father's SNF are dragging about like little thunderclouds and making him - never mind you for the minute - feel uncomfortable about calling for help or taking up their time, that's an issue it's worth raising with their managers.

I do very similar things. My dad is in respite at the moment, been in rehab and hospital, and I say it’s part of our routine together, part of our time together.

Maybe they think you're doing their job for them?

I'd just ignore it.

I can't see where you're doing anything wrong. My advice would be to request a care conference with the staff and open up the communication in that setting. It could be that the staff is just annoyed in general as opposed to being annoyed with you or your dad personally.