Follow
Share

My wife does not like the caregiver I hired....going on 3 weeks....


She has made things up, some things may have been confabulations...I am not sure...


Today, she talked in the mirror and said that she had told me numerous times that she does not want her back in the house and this time she needs to make sure it happens.


As I discussed all her claims today with her she started regressing backwards in behavior...behaviors that had improved, started regressing...


It doesn’t do me any good to have a helper if I spend my time picking up the pieces.


I really have a hard time believing that this particular behavior is the Alzheimers....seeing as this is not a new behavior.


She has moderate short term memory loss...so she can still hold a reasonable conversation....


What are your experience with manipulation?


Thanks

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You will get a bunch of comments here saying Oh It's IMPOSSIBLE for a person with Alzheimer's or dementia to lie or manipulate, simply NOT possible. I say BS to that. It certainly IS possible, IF they are not too far gone into the disease process where they're barely cognizant. If you know what I mean. My mother has been the queen of manipulation her whole entire life, and now, at 93 in January and with moderate dementia, she is STILL manipulating, I don't care what ANYONE else has to say on the subject. Until and unless a person has direct experience with a manipulative loved one with dementia/Alzheimer's they cannot say what is 'impossible.'

I agree with realyreal......what they were before dementia is what they are now, only much worse.

Your wife probably does not want anyone but YOU to be her care giver, which is unfortunate, because that's not possible. Let her know that she WILL be having a care giver for X hours per week, like it or not, because you have things to do, etc. So if she does not like care giver A, we will move on to care giver B, but once we get to care giver C, we're done. Three strikes and you're out, dear. And if that turns out to be a total disaster, you can remind her there's always Memory Care communities you can consider instead. Not as a 'threat' but as a point of fact.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I think what people are they still are with dementia, so a manipulator manipulates.

If you think that she is aware you could tell her that you need the help and to please play nice.

I hope that you can find a solution soon.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Timyom Dec 2019
She is very aware....and I pleaded with her to try and make it work..
(0)
Report
My dad doesn't remember the diagnosis either, it doesn't fit with his plan.

I honestly believe that he knows full well and works really hard to stay ahead of it. He does really well too. But he can be very difficult because he wants things his way and refuses to acknowledge any memory deficit, he will make things up to match what he wants you to believe. It's a wild ride to be sure and I don't live with him.

One thing that is consistent with him, he doesn't care how others are affected, it is ALL about him.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Maybe being nice and pleading is the wrong stance, as lealonnie says, point of fact, either we have an aide or you will need to go to a facility because it doesn't matter what you believe or think I need. Period end of discussion. No threat, reality.

Maybe she needs a firm statement from you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I do believe I need to be more upfront with the reality of needing help...I explained that yesterday but I was still a little vague..so I agree...I will have to be very clear...she doesn’t recall the diagnosis so needing a caregiver doesn’t compute for her...and I don’t want to put her through the diagnosis reality again
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My wife has a very high IQ and is an expert manipulator....and I do believe that the disease can make certain personality traits more prevalent...

She has made outrageous accusations...She was talking to the mirror today and said that she has told me many times not to let her in the house and she needs to make sure she doesn’t come back....

The issue is isolation...she needs someone around so when I go somewhere she isn’t lonely....

The isolation has really hurt her...

As she progresses in the disease I can understand how this behavior can go away...but not at this juncture...

She doesn’t believe I beed help...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think there is probably a combination of both but I'm not sure it really matters. There is a reason she either doesn't want a caregiver at all or doesn't want this one. Maybe it's just a personality thing with this caregiver, maybe it's a power thing and maybe it's just an adjustment thing. You may need to go through several caregivers before finding one that works for your wife or maybe including her in the process of choosing one to hire will help, I don't have enough of a feel for the situation. But something is at the root of her unhappiness with the current situation that is either causing her to manipulate or actually has her thinking the things she's saying are true. Either way it may be more work and far less pleasant attempting to get her to accept this person over starting over. Maybe let your wife "interview" 2 or 3 people (that you have selected as options) with you so she can feel some ownership in selecting the person she will be depending on and working with. It may also take some time figuring out what the real problem is, I know with my mom she will often be fully on board with something like getting a part time caregiver but when it comes right down to it she throws up blockades because she's really afraid of any change. She relies on us and irrationally maybe there is fear we wont be as available to her or something or maybe there isn't any real reason behind her fear, all I know is it's real to her so we have learned to ease her into big new things rather than shock her into them which is funny because we have also learned to tell her about doctor appointments at the last minute because otherwise she is riddled with anxiety for days and either finds a way out or is in terrible shape from no sleep. She seems to prefer it this way too. Adapting to change is hard for everybody but it's particularly hard for the elderly and patients with cognitive decline I have found.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Timyom Dec 2019
I think she believes her confabulation....but when quized it falls apart....but at the same time...I don’t think she wants it to work...with that in mind..I think she created todays accusations to support her belief...and it is too soon for a memory care unit...
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter