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My mom and dad are planning a 11 hour trip to come to my wedding. My dad was diagnosed a few months ago with early to mid stage dementia and was made to take a driver's test and he didn't pass either one of the test and had his license privileges taken away. He thinks because he still has his actual drivers license ID that he has his license. He is insisting on making the trip from Ohio to North Carolina by car and he will be driving part if not all the way. He says he's fine and can drive just fine even after not driving for several months. I'm scared to death at the thoughts of them being on the road that long and then leaving my house and making another 10 hour trip and then a 5 hour trip home to Ohio. if he were to be in a auto accident or gets pulled over by a police officer for speeding or reckless driving, what would the ramifications be? Would my mother be held responsible because she is aware of his licenses being taken away. She won't speak up to him about but she so desperately needs to. I have two weeks till my wedding and I'm going to be on pins and needles at the thought of them making this trip.

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Any chance you and your finance could foot the bill for a round trip airline ticket? That would be so much safer for your parents, and less stress for your Mom to deal with. Or one way ticket where a relative could drive to them back to Ohio?

Your parents probably are from that generation where the husband did all, if not most of the driving. Even if your Mom could do all the driving, wouldn't that be a bit much for her?

I couldn't imagine you waiting for your parents to arrive for the wedding and then they not show up for whatever reason.... like your Dad was pulled over, put in jail for driving on a suspended license... then the car insurance would go up or be cancelled. Chances are nothing would happen to your Mom, if your parents are elderly.
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In my humble opinion I think you should take charge here. It would totally ruin you wedding if he had a wreck and killed somebody. Please do something. My grown children live near there and I would absolutely kill me if anything happened to them. Give them airline tickets, arrange for a bus ride, train ride, to get them yourselves, have a relative to get them but do not let either one of them drive.
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I used to work for an insurance company, and I feel that if he had an accident while driving with no liscense this could be a huge problem, financially speaking. after all, your mother and you both know he has lost his liscense, and this is a big no no. And I agree, how would you feel if something happened? My dad had his long after he should not have,, mom just didn;t tell us about the red light running,, poor judgement... never his fault!
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Any good lawyer would sue them both and take all they have. Notify the police department in their hometown about his driving plans. You will save some lives, including theirs, by doing that.
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Plane. Good old Uncle Google says it takes an hour and fifteen minutes and will set you back around about $300 dollars per person. I know fuel is cheap (oh yes it is!) in the States, but even so if it's an 11 hour drive that's got to be a big gas bill (I'm even being optimistic and assuming they don't get sued).

I've also witnessed the difficulty of a woman in her eighties facing telling her ninety year old husband that his driving was scaring her out of her wits, and to them it feels like an act of Delilah-like betrayal; but I'm sorry - it's your mother who is going to have to put her foot down.

Add up the sums right for her, and she'll be able to tell him that she is NOT going to spend a whole waking day in the car when for "virtually" the same money she can travel in style and arrive with her hair looking nice. And cabs at both ends - she is not going to put up with walking miles across a parking lot. It's her daughter's wedding, she is mother of the bride, and she must have her way.

Meanwhile, as a separate issue from your special day, she needs to call a nice community police officer and ask him to come round and speak sternly to your father and explain that he does not have a valid driving licence. If he won't listen to a uniformed officer, then his dementia is definitely too far gone for him to be driving and she should ask for help to disable or sell the car.
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And remove or cut up the liscence.. you can get a state ID card for Drs and the bank.... they work great!
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Is your mom afraid of your dad? If this is the case, think about getting a local agency, or a geriatric care manager involved in their care.

It sounds as though your mom may need some support.
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No question about it CM is right they have to fly or someone has to go and get them. have you considered holding the ceremony a few days prior to your actual planned day. That way Dad could escort you and the actual service will be a blessing and Mum and Dad stay home.
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No Way, No How, he's Lost his licence and ability to drive! End of story! Getting a police officer to stop by to chat with him is a Great idea, and PamS is right, if he hit someone or worse, killed someone, they could/would sue them for every penny the've got, that should get his attention! He is no longer is an insured driver, if his license is expired! How would you feel if he killed your Mom, or both of them and possibly others, and right before your own Wedding? It would be your worst Nightmare! He needs to come to grips with the fact that he can Never drive a car, ever again, not even once! Have your future husband speak with him, it nay come off better, coming from a man! Please, don't let them drive! Your Mom isn't up for that long of a drive either. When older people are distracted, their reflexes are even slower, and I'm sure that they will be thinking about you getting married, and as a recent MOTB, I was very distracted! I realize that they probably haven't been involved in the planning of your wedding, but still, they would be thinking about it, and they would be driving in unfamiliar territory. Be safe, Not Sorry! I'm so sorry this is stressing you out before your big day, make sure he does the right thing then you won't need to worry! Then go and have a wonderful wedding day!
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You need to have a friend of yours that lives near them disable or take the car away. In my mother's case, the neighbor swiped her car key and kept it. Mom didn't have the mental capacity to problem solve out of that one. Having relatives get lost/wrecked/killed en route to a wedding would be a bad beginning. I'm sorry to say this is the beginning of a long and tragic road for you.
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Maybe dad figured he could do it, since from Ohio to North Carolina is only one highway,I-77. That being said, he should not drive at all. The plane idea may not be good either. He could "act out" with the plane in the air, then what? If your mom did not keep an eye on him,he could wander away, He could even get "testy" going through TSA. Could you set up a video conference where mom and dad could still be part of the wedding, even from their home?
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CM

As I mentioned, I think it would be best if the parents stayed home. Great that dad would not be driving, but how would he do in an airport with people, noise, and bright lights?
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Two weeks until your wedding, and you don't need this kind of worry. You MUST somehow get the car keys away from them! Is there a relative who lives close to them that can help? A sibling? Perhaps your parents won't be able to come to your wedding at all, but that is far better than allowing this potential dad-driving disaster to happen. Is someone going to videorecord the wedding, so that they could see it later?

IF you allow your parents to drive to your wedding and something happens, it will affect your life forever after. Do you really want that on your conscience?
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Early to mid-stage, short flight, pick off-peak times for it - it should be feasible to get him from A to B; and other than the refusal to quit driving the OP doesn't mention any challenging behaviours. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, and perhaps bride and groom can make her parents top of their visiting list as newly weds; but it is a very big deal not to walk your daughter up the aisle, and I wouldn't give up hope just yet.
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CM

True, but depends on when the wedding is, plus it would be better if they arrived a few days before the ceremony. 11 hour drive can be grueling for young or old.
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The wedding is a fortnight away.

The drive is eleven hours, the flight is less than two - total journey time would depend on how far the parents live from the airport, of course, plus how efficient their airport is. It also isn't clear whether the parents would be able to stay near the wedding venue - Shergypsy? How are plans shaping up, do you think?
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Shergypsy,
I'm not sure it would matter to either your parents, HOWEVER, if he drives and injures or kills someone, it is likely the auto insurance may NOT cover the damages or defend them in court. I'd check the auto policy, but most cover damages if the vehicle is being operated by a LICENSED driver with the consent of the owner of the vehicle. If he is not licensed, it would spell huge risk and your parents could lose their life's savings, as both would likely be sued. I'd check with the insurance company and secure the details.

I'd take whatever measures need to be taken. If you mom is not able to curtail dangerous activity by your dad, there needs to be intervention from some outside source. She may not be an appropriate person who can supervise him.
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If your father insists on driving there without utilizing an alternate form of transportation, tell him he is uninvited. He has no right to jeopardize other people's lives due to his ignorance of the law.
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It's great to explain things to dementia patients about what will and will not be allowed, however, depending on their abilities, they often cannot process the information. They may be agreeing with you, saying yes, yes, yes, and then immediately go and do the thing they agreed to not do. So, their word is not really something you can rely on. It requires continuous supervision and observation to confirm compliance.
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08/27/16....shergypsy, we know you are busy with the wedding.... if you have a few minutes could you answer some of our questions, to help give us a better idea on what is the situation.
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