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I have FMLA. My mom has Alzheimer's with Vascular Dementia. I am her only caregiver. She lives with me. I have good days and bad days with my mom. She is 69 years old. I am not ready to count her out just yet. My job has given me grief when I use the time to deal with home problems prior to me coming to work or leave early to care for her. I was told that the FMLA was only for doctor appointments and such. I provided my supervisor with another copy of my FMLA packet signed by my Mom's doctor that states daily care and such is to be done as well as doctor's appointments. I feel as though I am not able to take off w/o some backlash. What should I do? How should I handle this professionally?

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I have been on both sides of this problem - both the manager dealing with staff using FMLA and the person using the FMLA. The rules are pretty specific on how/when it can be used and you need to work with your Human Resources person so that you both have the same understanding of how your needs fit with the FMLA rules. Just because the Doctor said your mother needs daily care doesn't necessarily mean it fits all the rules. The fact that you leave your mother during the work day means that there must be specific tasks that must be accomplished on a daily basis that cannot be rescheduled around your work schedule.

My suggestion is to really look at your pattern of usage - you know when there are doctor's appointment so you can give your employer plenty of notice but it's the late arrival/early departure issues that are likely problematic. If you can get some help for your early mornings so you can get out of the house, or late afternoons so you don't suddenly have to jump out of your chair and rush home, your employer is going to be much more sympathetic to an occasional emergency. Or maybe you know that you will be two hours late everyday because you need to settle your mom for the day. HOWEVER, you will eventually run out of FMLA and then you are in serious trouble because you have no protections when you need time off. It is in your best interest to work with your employer on this issue because FMLA doesn't protect you from any performance issue so if your work is not up to standard FMLA doesn't protect you.
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Shane1124 Jul 2019
Very comprehensive answer. You only get one 90 day period a year, so use the leave wisely.
And yes, become familiar with what your employer’s guidelines are. It sounds like you use intermittent leave which is fine but realize you have to cooperate and work within your employer’s rules as well.
People take FMLA all the time. I never felt my employer treated me any differently because I took leave. And since I work with predominantly women of child bearing age, we all adjust & work carries on...

But realize too that once your 90 day FMLA is over you have to wait one entire year from the end date of your prior leave to be eligible for another FMLA.

So as others suggested, maybe schedule 2-3 MD appts for one day.

What your peers & bosses won’t appreciate is poor communication on your end where everyone is thrown to chaos due to lack of communication.

FMLA is a really good law, imo. It’s worked for me and many of my peers.

Work with your employer and things should work out.

Focus on getting a caregiver for your mother or think of AL,or NH as that may be in your mother’s future.
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You need to brush all the chaff away and get to the rice.
1. Are you prepared financially to care for your mother, 24/7 at some point?
A. Yes. Hire caregiver
B. No. Do not quit job or jeopardize it. Who is going to help you when you need it? Look into outside sources to help.

2. Does mom have assets that can help?
A. Yes - use them to hire help or find a good care center
B. No - Look into Medicare to help.

Many threads here from readers that resigned, retired etc to help parents. Many regrets and wishes they had done something different that would have benefitted them and the parent. Please read these..

Bottom line - you are avoiding the inevitable and jeopardizing your health and future financial position if you continue to avoid the hard decision. You are also handicapping your employer because they need work done too. Don’t be surprised if something negative happens, it seems that it’s already a problem - and trust me, going to HR would only make it worse for you.

I wish you luck and hugs...nobody prepares us for these difficult times in life. Let us know what you decide to do.
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cetude Jul 2019
Cost of hiring a caregiver is exorbitant. Just sitting alone (no hands-on care) is $20 an hour. Hands-on care is double that. CNAs and home aides are not legally allowed to touch medications so you need home health nursing for that. It's cheaper to quit.
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I would think that you probably need to hire a caregiver for your mom.

From the way you describe how you are using your FMLA it is not compliant with the actual rules. Scheduled time and emergencies are more what it covers, not daily unknown situations.

Coming in late, leaving early, you can't be counted on and that makes it very hard on your employer. I know that that sounds hard, but usually there is a job available because there is a need. Having an employee that you don't know when or if they are going to show up or when they will suddenly leave is not a sustainable way to run a business.

Your mom is only going to get worse, so you should start looking for a caregiver now, unless you plan on being her 24/7 caregiver.
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anonymous768192 Jul 2019
I get what you are saying, however, with my Mom's FMLA her doctor specifically stated that times that this FMLA may come in to action may vary on a day to day basis as my Mom's needs grow. This is what was given to the human resources and this is what they approved. My Office has a bunch of young Managers that are not knowledgeable about the FMLA Law and have since been educated. I only take the time that is absolutely needed for my mom. No more, No less.
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Allcaredout1, I had the same issue with my Manager [The Devil Wears Prada] as she had zero empathy to what I was going through. I used my vacation days, and my sick days, and days without pay. There was no way I could present my case to get fair treatment.

Eventually I had to learn to group my parent's appointments so if I was taking a day off, then my folks saw several doctors during that day. If they were using the same doctor, then back to back appointments.

After one year of doing this, one day I found out my position was eliminated as the work had been given to other employees, and well, I was no longer needed. There went my salary, health insurance [was able to get COBRA but it was costly], no longer would have matching funds to my 401(k) and profit sharing. And the manager had the nerve to tell everyone I was "retiring" :P

With regard to FMLA [Family Medical Leave Act], I am glad that I didn't use any of it to help with my parents. As out of the blue I had to use it for myself when I had a serious illness and had to be out of work for 3 months.

Luckly I found new employment, and the manager was very understanding as he was caring for his wife who had Alzheimer's. I could easily dash out the door saying I was needed at home. No issues with taking time off, etc. And I was able to fill in for him when he had to dash out the door, etc. What was missing were all the benefits I had at my previous employment, but taking time off was the number 1 priority.

Oh, later on my Dad had a daily caregiver which he was paying, and she would take him to all of his doctor appointments. It was a saving grace for me, but I know not everyone is able to budget for such an expense.
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And separately, to your phrase, ‘Not giving up on her yet’ - do you feel that placing her in a nursing facility is giving up? Please don’t think that way, she should be where she gets the best care appropriate to her condition. Keep reading lots of threads on this site.
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Hang on.

Your mother is 69 years old, and has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia (rough!). And you are working full time. And your mother lives with you, and you are her only caregiver.

Well! - you know you're going to have to make some radical decisions anyway, right, regardless of how sympathetic (or not) your employer is being in the short term? Your mother will not be able to be left alone. What then?

So, no time like the present, really. What options have you looked at?
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anonymous768192 Jul 2019
I am looking at other options all together. I am trying to find a true work at home job so that I can be home when need be. So far I am unsuccessful. I am just trying to find other ways to continue with this current situation.
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mmcmahon12000, regarding a written contract where one's parent pays for "lost income from work". There is much more monetary value then lost income.

One would also lose the company paid cost of health insurance which is quite expensive and that many tend to forget when figuring up lost wages.

One would lose company sponsored matching for one's 401k. Thus, for every dollar you put into 401k, the company will match that dollar. I realize not all employees offer this.

One would lose paid vacation days, and paid sick days.

One would lose company sponsored profit sharing. I realize not all employees offer this.

One would lose funds being placed in Medicare and Social Security.

One would lose company sponsored life insurance, and workman's comp. And even tuition reimbursements.

There was an article many years ago in Reuters about how much money one would lose if resigning from work to care for a parent. The amount was between $280k and $350k [amounts from 2013 article] for the years lost with no employment.
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So sorry but I found working that companies are not sympathetic to things like this. Last place I worked I received vacation, sick and personal days. Once they got used up, I got written up if I took xtra time. I could not make a couple of Saturdays (had to work one Saturday a month) because I watched my Grandson while my daughter worked. They didn't care. Find someone else.

There is no law that they have to give time off for Caregiving. Actually, my state they can let u go for any reason and not tell you why. Its called "fire at will". It also works the other way. You don't have to give 2 weeks.
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JoAnn29 Jul 2019
Tacy, thanks for the info. But like the OP, they can make it hard for u to work there hoping u will quit. At least she knows her rights, some don't. Plus, doesn't the FMLA only give u so much time? It doesn't go on forever.
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This will become if it is not already a 24/7/365 job.
Somethings gotta give.
You have options.
*Quit your job so you can care for Mom (difficult option financially as well as emotionally and physically)
*Hire someone to care for Mom while you are at work. (difficult option you work at work then come home and work, where is family time and some "me" time)
*Place Mom in Adult Day Care while you are at work and you can hire someone to help you out when she is at home. (pretty good option if there is day care near you)
*Any of the options above but realize that she will need more care than you can give her and that Memory Care placement might have to be an option.
Your Mom is young and she may have a pretty long journey ahead of her. Can you continue to take FMLA for the next 12 to 15 years? My Husband was diagnosed when he was 65 and "survived" for 12 years. I was lucky he was compliant and I was retired. So he was easy to care for and I had the time to care for him.

There are Geriatric Care Managers that can take her to appointments and do many of the things that you are taking time off work to do. This might cut down on the time you have to take off.

The difficult thing is your Mom WILL continue to decline, your Mom WILL need more and more help this is not "counting her out" this is reality. This is a job that gets more difficult as time goes on.
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FMLA only lasts a few months. You have a decision to make: Nursing home versus quitting your job to care for your mom. Her care will get harder and harder as her condition progresses. I've been battling my mom's Alzheimer's for TEN YEARS; the last five years requires full time care as she started wandering onto moving traffic. I had no idea those were easy times. Now mom can't do that and getting her to walk is extremely difficult with a walker; every step she nearly falls. She even forgot how to bear down to have a bowel movement so it's schedule enemas. It also takes about 1-1/2 hours to feed her and giving her fluids in itself is a full time job. I am lucky to get a full cup of water in her and that's with thickener. Mom is on hospice, but the care still falls on me. In one month mom will be 90 and she has been in advanced Alzheimer's for 5 years. Her symptoms started to get noticeable when she hit 80.

Right now mom is either dehydrated or gets UTIs all the time. I go to the Emergency Room monthly...sometimes more often than that just to get her hydrated and start her on antibiotics. Hospices for some odd reason do not do IV fluids for hydration. But remember you DO have the right to take her to the ER as long as you tell hospice first.

If your mom has some financial means you can live off her estate in exchange for full time care. See a eldercare attorney -- for whatever your choice. You will need estate planning regardless of nursing home placement (requiring Medicaid preparation) or you doing all the care. POWER OF ATTORNEY must be established. If she is not cognizant you will need to petition the Court through your lawyer.

Hiring a sitter who does nothing but watch the patient is $20 an hour at an agency. This involves NO hands-on care. If you hire someone off the street you don't know what you are bringing into your home and they can claim to fall in your house and sue your estate. That's why it's best to use a reputable agency that is both licensed AND INSURED for workman's comp so they can't sue you.

It takes nearly an hour to get her bowels to move and she is often dead weight. If that is the life you want then care for her at home.
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Invisible Jul 2019
Oh, I feel for you at this stage and all you have been through to care for your mom. God bless you. This is the reality. You cannot work and take care of a parent with moderate/advanced dementia by yourself. My father was at this stage when he passed away from what I now suspect was dehydration. He went into the ER with a minor UTI and seemed to recover quickly but went downhill in transitional care. When he got weaker, they were afraid he would aspirate, so I'm not sure he got enough to eat/drink, then hospice stops offering him liquids/food entirely as they believe IV fluids only prolong the natural process of dying and are not necessary. But, as you say, you can inform them the patient is going off temporarily in order to get fluid intake in the ER. My father asked me how many times we were going to go through this. https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-palliative-care-blog/2018/july/25/tips-for-hydration-at-end-of-life/
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