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When elderly parents live with their adult children who are their caregivers, and are disrespectful towards them and their friends. My mom who is 82 was living in Massachusetts on her own and was feeling she needed help, so she asked if she could live with my husband and I. We agreed, since we've cared for my father in law who had dementia and also for my dad for many years. Both have since passed on. So we moved her out of state and in with us. We have one roommate renting a room from us, which we've known for over 20 years, and my mom has a room to herself.
Within the first week of living with us, she informs us that (in her own words)
" I can't stand that idiot we have as a roommate." All within ear shot of our
friend. I took her aside and asked her why she felt that way. I told her how long we have known him, and that he is an honest and trustworthy individual. I also told her that we need that room rented out and could she try to be more respectful towards him. It's been one month now and she just ignores him and gives him the cold shoulder. When we come home from an outing or a doctor appointment and she sees his work truck she says " Looks like the asshole is home". Today she had another smart ass remark and I jumped down her throat for it. She says she dislikes him because when he comes home from work he has a couple of drinks,( doesn't get drunk) and he has a sleeved tattoo.
I don't want to put her in assisted living, but since she has been with us our home is not what it use to be. Calm quiet and relaxing. Do you think there is anyway I can get this grumpy odd lady I call my mom to change her way of thinking? She calls herself a God fearing Christian, and she does her bible devotions every night in her room. I've tried to tell her that this is no way for a God fearing Christian to act and reminded her what the bible says about respecting others, all to no avail. Has anybody else had to deal with a disrespectful parent? Please help!!

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Start taking her out to look at Assisted Living facilities. Some of them are quite nice. Many elders are a whole lot nicer when they live with people their own age. As far as her failure to live up to her christian principles, maybe a little counseling from her minister is in order.
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Is it possible there could be some cognitive decline going on here? It's not unheard of in the over 80 crowd.

There is also such a thing as too much change at one time. Human nature is to fight back.

I agree with the advice to have her go to senior living with people her own age and ability. She can have her own space the way she likes it and participate in activities intended for people her age. If she wants alone time, she can go to her apartment.

My mother could not wait to redecorate my house to the way she had hers, which is NOT the way I wanted mine. She also could not handle our hectic schedule with kids, activities, and such. She would pitch a fit if my husband & I went on a date together without her. It got worse and worse and worse because of her dementia, but needless to say, things were better when she did not live in a home that was never going to be hers or reflect her wants.
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I'm beginning to think that maybe she does have some cognitive decline coming on.
It seems to be coming on very slowly. I'd say she is fine maybe by 80% of her waking hours. And I think this is also a case of too much change at one time like sandwich42plus brought up. I have an appointment to speak with someone from our local aging and independence organization and I'm sure she will bring that up. If she doesn't, I will. As far as moving her into Assisted Living....Good idea but I'm afraid what her reaction to that would be. Especially since her cognitive decline is not that severe yet. She's only been living with us for a month, so I feel I should try to keep her here with us for awhile longer and see where it goes. If and when it comes down to putting her into assisted living I'll be able to say I did all I could. We were able to handle my father in laws dementia, before he passed away without putting him in a home, and we were also able to keep my father with us. I just need to know I gave it my best shot.
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DrRockU2, sounds like there is now a child/parent dynamics going on here. You are now once again the *child* and your Mother is now once again the *adult*... and she doesn't like your friends.

You also have to realize your Mother had moved from her *home* in Massachusetts leaving behind her memories of that place, her friends, her hairdresser, her doctors, etc. She's like a teenager who has been pulled from her friends to move with the family to a new location.... she's not a happy camper, going to grumpy, pout, and say mean things.

It seems like your Mom has her own stereotypical mindset of someone who has tattoos. Is there a reason she doesn't like someone who has a couple of drinks? Someone from the past? Someone she might had dated in her youth who broke her heart? You never know.
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DrRock, you must be living with my mother. She is a Christian lady who finds few people who are acceptable. She talks bad about most everyone. I don't think there is any way to change the mindset. They make movies about old people like our grouchy old moms. They are incorrigible. The only thing we can figure out is how to react to them and when it is time to lead separate lives. I'm surprised your roommate hasn't served notice yet that he's moving. It is probably most unpleasant to come home to such hostility. Good luck getting things straightened out.
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I had a client that wouldn't speak with me for 2 years just because I patted her arm and said I'll see you later-she thought I was being condescending which is not how I meant to be perceived. A small action can be interrupted as something else. Or it could just be for whatever reason she doesn't like him. It doesn't really matter, it's your home-I'd speak with her and let her know that she doesn't have to mingle and speak with him, but being rude is just not nice and it's inappropriate. Maybe it is time for an assisted living facility, close by where you can visit. It could also be that your mom has some mild dementia and is unable to control her impulses, I see this often. If clients could see themselves they would be appalled by their actions. There could be several reasons for her comments. If it's dementia she may not be able to control herself, if it's rudeness-that just not allowable. She doesn't have to like him, but should treat him with respect.
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Yes sendme2help. The reason I'm trying so hard with my mom is exactly that. She's my mom. My father in law had dementia and on his bad days he was no where near a bad as my mom. And we cared for my father who was a breeze. He was actually happy till the day he died. He was a joy to be around. I just wanted to do the right thing.
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Several suggestions. First, tell brother he's welcome to come get her and move her into HIS home. If he doesn't want to do that, he needs to shut up. That will probably shut him up. Or send mom to stay with him for a couple of weeks or a month. See how she does there.

The additional info you've written (her believing you're snooping on her, believing your roommate is stealing from her, reporting you to police repeatedly) are all classic signs of dementia. Go to Youtube and check out Teepa Snow videos on dementia. And start reading the threads here. Your mom will only get worse, particularly if she doesn't allow you to help her.

Understand that with dementia, her paranoia and threats will continue where ever she is. Medication might help her with anxiety and the paranoia, but if she won't let anyone talk with her doctors, your hands are tied until she's in much worse shape.

I'd say call brother's bluff and get him more involved. Maybe mom will listen to him and he can come to understand that you're not doing anything wrong - that mom's brain is broken. Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Dr. Rock, that's a sad story, and yes, your mom has cognitive impairment. Distant family are not going to be able to see that or accept that either logically or emotionally by talking over the phone.

The room-mate may be just fine - because its not his mom, he can probably see that mom is not coming form a logical perspective and that it is on relfection on his actual worth as a human being.

Get copies of the "unfounded" letters that you should have from APS, and send them to the siblings, along with photos of your one plant, your card, your home, and Mom sitting there glaring...as you said, they simply found it more acceptable to think you were failing her than to disbelieve her messed-up perception of things; maybe they can even get on here and be educated on what dementia is. Invite them to visit - they will be treated like gold, of course, but MIGHT be able to see at least that the situation is not inappropriate. They should have the option to take her into THEIR homes then too. There should be a comprehensive geriatric evaluation including her cognitive status that would be shared with them. to make clear what is probably already obvious, that she can't safely live on her own. You have a right to ask to be put back on the medical POA list if you are going to continue to try to care for her, and it may take someone getting a guardianship to make the whole thing reasonable.
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What a frustrating situation you have. And because I am not in the middle of it, I can easier ask: what would be so bad about having the family members that are threatening to come and take mom way, do exactly that? You have tried your best but mom does not want live with you. She is entitled to make her own decisions unless you are her conservator. So let her be self determined and let your family take your mom if they want her. You can love her and care for her from a distance, which may be the best for all concerned. You can not argue reason with a brain damaged person, which is what dementia is - a damaged brain. You do not have to defend or explain your grown-up life to your mom or to anyone for that matter. Your house = your rules. Good luck.
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