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My mother has moderate dementia. She is in a home aged 90. She says she has no problem with the way I look after her which is as best i can due to living far away. But she has suddenly cut me out of her will. She says I dont need anything from her as I work and can pay my way, but other parents who have offspring who can pay their way do not become disinherited because of it, and some of my friends have more than me and still get a mention in their parents will. I thought my mother didnt like me but she says she does and thinks highly of me.. so why cut me out of her will? I pay something towards her care home fees and when she told me she wanted to change her will.. I paid the fee for changing the will. So I do my best and cannot understand this. Any ideas

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Is it legal for a person with dementia to change their will? I wonder why you paid for her to change it. I agree she should be paying for her own costs - care home fees and for changing her will. That is what her money is for, not for leaving to others. I can see that accepting that your mum has dementia would help and I am glad that you feel a bit better, but continuing to pay for part of her costs, when she is able to pay for them herself. doesn't seem right to me.
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So know that you did your best based on your circumstances. Not everyone should quit their job and care for their elderly parent. Your mother has the funds for a care home, so - let her go to one. I will tell you this much, even if you had the means to have her live with you, based on her current personality, she will be just as spiteful and mean to you - in your own home. The only thing worse would be - if it got so bad, you would have difficulty moving her from your home to the care home. And when she needs 24hr care, where will that leave you - all by yourself to tend her? In way over your head.

So, like my 2 aunties told me: Your father has money. Let his money pay for your mom's expenses - her supplies, her medical costs, etc..

You see, I spent like 15 years paying this out of my measly paycheck - thinking that it was fair since I am living rent-free at my parents' home. I can honestly say it wasn't with the thought that I was going to get this house/land. My father is very old fashioned. He has told me several times that this place is going to my 2 brothers in the US mainland. If I want a house/land, I have to marry a guy who has one. So, I never ever thought of this place going to me. So, since your mother has money, let her start paying for everything 100%.

My father has been telling me that I'm a bad daughter - with such hateful emotion into it. Yeah, I admit, for years, I cried hard whenever he said this to me - in the privacy of my bedroom. Only when I found this site, I started to learn to think of ME and not my obligations to my parents 100%. This includes learning to like me enough to stand firmly against my father and just say: No. Just a few days ago, he said hatefully that I'm a Bad Daughter. It didn't hurt me at all. I was able to stand there and just stare at him. I refused to do what he wanted - which involves taking more than the recommended dosage of herbal supplements. I've been told that this is called "detaching." Ha! I bought a book on how to detach and never got around to reading it. It seems I stumbled onto how to do it. =) You can do it, too.
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Your mother sounds like a handful!

You have my permission - for what that's worth - to tell her white lies and keep things from her that would only upset her. I told my father once, when he was being difficult, "You know, we don't tell you things, and sometimes we even lie to you." He said, "I know, and I appreciate it!"
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(((((((poster))))))) you are in a difficult situation. I will answer more soon, but can't too much right now. I guess you just have to build your own "family" from friends". Many of us here find that blood relatives are not friends. Wish it were different. You have to carve out your own life and not rely on them...
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Poster after reading all your comments, it sounds you so much want a family you can spend time and celebrations with. Have you ever thought about becoming a foster parent or a Big Sister? Blood doesn't make a family, but people who care about each other.
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Poster, you are following the orders of someone who has dementia? Even when they don't make sense? Umm ... does that really seem healthy to you?
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First idea - who or what is she giving it to instead?
Second idea - was she actually competent to change her will? Maybe you should not have been willing to pay!!
Third idea - could a neutral third party, or maybe some other family member who she trusts who would be in your corner at least a little, talk to your mom and express that it is not usual to disinherit children unless they have greatly wronged their parent, (in real life, might also be done if they would be at risk of losing government benefits if disabled) and express concern for your feelings and needs to her?
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How odd. But my first question is why are you paying toward her home fees and for the lawyer's fee if she has enough assets to leave in a will? Shouldn't she be using her own funds for her own care? I suppose it makes a little more sense if you are thinking, "oh well, I'll get it back in the end," but one can never count on that unless the estate is quite large. She may need care for another 5 to 10 years, and as the dementia progresses she may need more expensive care. Even if she didn't disinherit you, there may not be anything left to inherit. I really don't get it that she isn't paying her own way now.

I also wonder who she is leaving money to instead of you? I have heard of parents setting up trusts for disabled children and pretty much not leaving anything to the kids who have no disabilities. She says she is excluding you because you don't need it ... who does she think does?
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The emotional blackmail is nasty, but, honestly, having had it all my life, it is better not to give in to it. I understand that you are tired and worn out by the stress, and have lost enthusiasm for Christmas. You are not alone in that on this site and I expect in the larger world. I hope you will stop giving in to your mother's unreasonable demands - for your own sake. Has she made threats if you don't pay for part of her care home fees? I am wondering if your mother had some of these qualities before she developed dementia. By no means are you a horrible daughter and of no use to her. That is disease talking. Please try to detach a bit as see her as ill, and these words as coming from the illness. I know it is hard. I hear words like that too. Know that you are a worthwhile person and daughter, no matter what your mother has said or says in the future.
Please try to do something good for you today and tomorrow. You are worth it. She is fortunate to have you. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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oh and I have no reason to doubt that she is going to change her will. She said she contacted a solicitor who will do this for her but her solicitor has to come back in the new year to finalize the arrangements. All she did was book a solicitor and talk about it so nothing has been done. It will be done in the new year. My mother may have dementia and say some out of the ordinary things, but at times she has her head screwed on and can make coherent decisions. For instance, she was in a previous care home. It was whilst she was in the previous home that she was diagnosed with dementia. She did not like the home and wanted to leave. She did not ask anyone to help her find a new home. She got the telephone directory and looked at the list of care homes and telephoned them one by one and asked if they have any vacancies. Most of them said no and some said there is a waiting list. Then she decided that since she is blind in one eye maybe the blind society could help her so she phoned them and said I am an old woman in a home, do you have homes for the blind. They said yes and they said they had such a home in her area. My mother then contacted me and said she had foud a new home and could we go and have a look. I went down and went with her to see this new home and they said they could take her immediately. So you see sometimes she is quite capable of sorting important matters out and if her dementia was that bad she would not have been capable of finding her new care home all by herself.
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