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He has 24 X 7 caregivers. Still she is allowed to talk to him and come and see him. Last summer he was ill and she took him to wal-mart and left him in the car (his car) and took the keys. He had a heat stroke. Last spring she took him out, refused to take his walker. When they got back to his house she didn't help him in and he fell and broke his arm. This morning she tried to take him out of his house and to town.

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You pursue an order of protection, based on past negligence and injury, BUT you must all be in agreement on this, especially the POA.
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I'm having trouble understanding why someone stupid and irresponsible enough to leave someone with dementia in a car, w/o leaving the A/C on, causing a heat stroke, would be considered an appropriate companion by anyone.

If this were my parent, I'd get a PPO against her, and perhaps even install an exterior camera to document if she violated the order.

I'm wondering if your father's wife was a domineering person. That's not to suggest anything negative, but for some reason he seems to accept this woman's dominance and control. Any thoughts on why? How long has it been since your mother died (I'm assuming she has)?

There's an easy solution for not giving her the car keys; whoever is the owner would be responsible for her actions, including, liability for lending her the car is she has an accident.

If the family wants to see him getting out, why don't they take him instead of wishing this woman were back in the picture? It's clear that she doesn't take care of him, and in fact abuses him (the hot car and heat stroke issue is an example).

I find it incredible that anyone would think in terms of his having been happier if he dies deprived of her interfering and irresponsible meddling. Those family members shouldn't be making any decisions for his care at all.
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I don't know why I didn't think of this before. It's kind of the Indiana Jones artifact removal situation. Before moving or eliminating one object, find a replacement one. Soooo, do you know any nice women you could introduce to your father, for just some social activities with perhaps you or another family member present?

I was thinking of Senior Center activities, perhaps library functions such as coffee and conversation activities, etc. You don't have to stick to only the Senior Center in your area; you can go to surrounding areas as well.

Perhaps they could even recruit him to assist in their planning and events.

What are/were his interests and hobbies?

Also, does he belong to any church, and if so, could you speak privately to those in charge of programs or activities and work out ways he could participate?

If you can substitute a good option for an already known bad option, it might help wean him away from this woman.
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If he has 24 x 7 CG,, can they drive the two of them on thier "dates"...and make sure no one gets hurt or nothing untoward happens? Like a big Walmart shopping spree on the girlfriends part? Supervison is a big thing I see needed here,, and good luck!
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I think this is a common problem for many older men. When this all started she was a much younger more physically attractive woman. There probably was some or a lot of physical interaction and this flattered him and he got into the habit of being the chivalrous older gentleman and covering her monetary needs. In my view her behavior borders on sociopathic. A sociopath will do anything to get their own way. They lie, cheat and steal and can be so nice and charming meeting the other persons every need but the object of the exercise is always personal gain usually money which I suspect is the case here. Because dad has always been generous with her she thinks there is a lot more where that came from and is determined to get her hands on it when he passes.
I don't think there is a chance of getting rid of her unless you can find another old man with better prospects to take her attention. When she does something like leaving him in a hot car don't wring your hands take action.
She may decide his family is too much trouble to continue the relationship. What she did was elder abuse especially as she also took the keys. You could even go as far as hiring a private detective to follow them around.
Dad is and will continue to cling to this woman because he probably feels she is the only one on his side and always comes running when he needs her.
Of course they constantly discuss your husband's supposedly bad treatment of him and controlling ways. That is his way of wanting and getting attention and she is only too pleased to humor him when she knows there will be a reward at the end of the evening. Realistically she could care less if he is chained in a dungeon as long as he has his check book with him. Just make sure if you can that he does not have access to large sums of money or the ability to take out loans for her benefit. There will always be a sob story to accompany her requests. "I can't pay my property taxes and the City is going to sell my house at tax sale' Could you "lend' me two thousand?" It is always "lend" and a promise of repayment which of course the woman never does.
When these relationships finally break up (it's probably too late for this in Dad's case) the man is usually too embarrassed to take legal action so the woman is free to move on. One case I know of the woman was stealing checks from the back of the man's check book and cleverly forging his signature and writing in an amount he usually gave her for household expenses every month. Somehow she did this by copying old checks on the computer, but he never noticed and when he finally found out he was too embarrassed to prosecute. He got photocopies of his checks on the monthly statement and there seemed thing unusual to the cause glance. It added up to thousands of dollars.
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To answer your question - I think it's now about exerting some control. Everyone is telling him "no" so like the child that often takes ahold of an individual with dementia - he is digging in and rebelling.
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I don't think I missed it - how old is your father and how old is his lady friend. Also - just to clarify the whole picture, is their relationship a romantic one or just good friends?
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Am I correct in understanding that she always drives his car, or does she have a car of her own? If the former, you might try contacting his auto insurance carrier and ask what it would cost to add this non relative as an insured driver. If you're confident your father wouldn't think to contact them yourself, boost the figure to include coverage for her to some amount that would unsettle him.

Another trick you can play is to draft an indemnification, hold harmless and defense agreement (or hire an attorney to prepare one) by which she indemnifies, holds him (and anyone else named on the title to the car) harmless for any damages or injuries, etc. (there's specific legal verbage for this), but also agrees to completely and w/o limitation provide for defense of him and any other parties, whether passengers in his car or another car, if (a) the car is involved in an accident and/or (b) either he or another party are injured.

Or ask her to pay the additional premium to add her as a covered driver on his auto policy.

Alternatively, is he a safe driver or is he a danger on the road? If the latter, contact your Secretary of State or similar agency and ask that he be scheduled for a driver's test. If he fails, he'll lose his license and his auto insurance carrier will cancel his policy.

It is cruel, but not as much as allowing him to be manipulated by this apparently very determined and aggressive woman.

Lastly, can the family plan so many activities that he doesn't have time for her?
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"As he has gone down hill, he started clinging to her. And he seems obsessed with her....almost like she is an addiction for him."

I think you've succinctly described the relationship, and his need for her. He's aging, probably frightened if not frustrated, and having her in his life can allow him to think as if he was a younger man. And it probably flatters him.

If that's correct, the question would be how can you and/or the family provide the kind of emotional support he needs to help him through this emotional ice field (which is kind of how I see it - full of pitfalls, holes, gaps, any of which could trap him - kind of like a glacier full of crevices).

As to the indemnification, if she doesn't scare easily, have the execution of the document at an attorney's office, someone who can be properly serious if not a bit frightening to remind her this is serious. Perhaps you could ask for a financial statement from her to ensure that she can meet the terms of the indemnification agreement.

It does take a lot of nerve to do this, and it sounds as if she's also a very nervy and certainly not shy and retiring person. Oh, and CHEAP as well.

Whose name is on the vehicle title? Are any of you joint owners? The concept of her driving his car whenever she pleases would really annoy me. I think I might go over and let the air out of the tires, or pull one of the spark plugs, or something like that.

Unfortunately, you and your family are going to look like the "bad guys" for intervening, but I can only see this situation getting worse. She's obviously very aggressive and insensitive except to her wants and needs.

And that raises another issue: has she convinced him to include her in his estate planning? Somehow, it wouldn't surprise me if she's taken him to an attorney and pushed through a change in his bequests.
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Don't get me wrong - I don't think it's right or a good situation but I do think the more you try to keep them apart, the more he will insist it's what he wants - even if it really isn't.
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