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She is 94. I am 55 and quit my job to move in with her after she broke her hip about 3 years ago when she could not be safely discharged home from rehab. She has progressively gotten more forgetful, to the point that no one can have a normal conversation with her because of all the repeating she does. She is constantly accusing me of calling her "crazy" and angrily yells, hisses or leaves me notes saying, "I still have a brain and I'm not crazy and I can take care of myself." The problem is, she can't. She leaves food on the stove and forgets it until the pan starts smoking up the house and the smoke alarm goes off. She often forgets to take her morning medication that I set out along with her breakfast the night before. I don't have a problem with dealing with that, but if I tell her information that she's forgotten, most times she will start berating me for disrespecting her and how could I do that to a 94-year-old AND my mother? She thinks I am lying to her constantly. It is obvious she needs supervision and at least partial to total assistance with every area of her life, but denies this to everyone. I have no living relatives who will even call her more than a couple times a year because she has always tried to micro-control everyone and lectures everyone about whatever they do, have or say that she personally didn't approve of, repeatedly to the point where nobody wants to even be around her. A couple of people in the family will send a card or call for 10 minutes occasionally. ONE step great grandson will visit once or twice a year for an hour or invite her to a great great grandchild's birthday party occasionally. I can't blame them at all. If you aren't in her good graces, watch out because the rest of the world is going to know of your "misdeeds" Which is another reason no one wants contact with her. So, there's no one but me who will help her or help me care for her. She is accusing me of lying about what she has forgotten and of taking advantage of her by living at her house, not taking her anywhere, although she rarely asks to go anywhere and if she does my husband or I takes her. She says she loves me, but I don't love her and I don't appreciate all she does or has EVER in life done for me. I plan to take her to the doctor this week to discuss her mental status and dreading it because I will never hear the end of it. What do I do now? It's getting worse as time goes on.

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guiltandanger, I can relate to the feeling bad, whether you talk to your mom or not- I'm glad this website exists, too... My mom calls me constantly... one day we logged 22 calls (I have to screen the calls for my own sanity) -- the same message most of the time, complaining about something ..almost like a recording of the day. We had DCF intervene, on her doctor's suggestion, because my mom wouldn't accept any help. Once the social worker saw the spoiled food in the fridge, the clutter, piles of papers, etc. all over the place, and the disorganization of the meds, they made a recommendation to have home care; and anticipating this, I got two aides to come to her house to monitor her meds and made sure she ate breakfast and lunch - Mom didn't like it, but we gave her the choice: accept the help, or have DCF take her out of the home and to a facility. She constantly complains about not needing any help... and now doesn't even remember DCF coming by. Glad you found the site.... it certainly helps me keep my sanity!
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Education is the best medicine in my opinion. The Alzheimer's Association really is a great resource to start with. They can guide you on a multitude of issues. Prioritize self care first, which is ever so hard, but you can't give of yourself if the cup in empty. There are several respite options available to give you time to pull together a plan with guidance from the Alz Assoc. It's not easy being where you're at, but you have to start somewhere and take it one step at a time. Remember, the person with dementia will feed off your anxiety/stress level. It's ok to give yourself a break.
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If you live someone you do the best you can for her. Call or vusit online your local chapter of the Alzheimers Association. They have a lot of advice, articles, and counselors. Too many people on this site all too readily advise others to get their loved ones into assisted living. This is not always possible or even desireable. In your case, especially, I know alz.org can help.
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My mother is very emotionally abusive also. I don't live with her. She doesn't want anyone to move in with her, and she doesn't want to move in with anyone else. She's 85. If I disagree with her on anything, she screams at me and says very hurtful t hings. She contradicts whatever I say. she's very hard of hearing but screams at me that she has "perfect hearing" and refuses to have a hearing evaluation. She refuses to allow anyone to clean her house or remove the obstacles in her walking path. She won't tell me when something in the house needs repair (plumbing, electricity, appliances, etc.). Instead, I find out only by visiting her and observing things without asking about them. The only person she will consider doing anything is my brother, who is the king of procrastination and avoidance. She refuses to call her doctor or go to his office when she's sick. In stead, she waits until she is so sick, or a condition is so severe, she needs the ER. If I offer to clean her house or suggest that she call her doctor, she says I'm trying to control her life. Her cardiologist told me there is nothing I can do about this. Most of my contact with her is when I drive her to a doctor's appointment or on the telephone. I always end up getting off the phone abruptly when she begins her verbal abuse, and then I don't call her for several days. She never calls me. Two counselors (a few years apart) have told me to stop talking to my mother. My husband asked what is more painful - not talking to her, or talking to her. When I don't talk to her, call her, visit her, I feel guilty and anxious. When I do talk to her, I end up in tears and feeling like she hates me. I realize I am just venting here. I'm glad this website exists.
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My Mom's doctor has been asking my mom the same question for over five years, "How's your memory?" Until our last visit, every time her answer was, "It's not so good; I'm getting to be very forgetful!"

His answer was always the same, "As long as you are aware that you have a memory problem, we're not worried!"

At our last visit, my mom's answer was, "My memory is pretty good!" The doctor took me aside and said, "This is really bad. Now she doesn't even realize that she's forgetting. We anticipated that this day would come."

It's really hard when Mom tells me one thing and two minutes later tells me the opposite. I have to fight processing out loud, "But you just said. . . ." I just say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood." Otherwise, a fight will follow! She is very defensive.
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I think that the OP has left the building.
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Poster obviously DOES love her mother, no one would sacrifice three years of their life except out of love. I wish I could help as I have many of the same issues! Only thing I can do is try to redirect the ridiculous conversations, works more often than not as moms train of thought lasts about 30 seconds.
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1 - meet with a Geriatric Psychiatrist - ASAP, some medications can help. Including off label use of Abilify, and some anti-psychotic RXs. If they are happier, you as caretaker can be happier.
2 - don't disagree with them. There is no reasoning they will understand. So agree with her, go along with what she says, or help make up excuses for her (like the pan on the stove - say YOU forgot about it ---- then remove the knobs from the stove).
Basically, child proof the home. Add stick on battery operated alarms on the doors that will beep when the door is opened. (we also hang bells on almost every door in the house going from room to room, and use bells and stick on alarms on the doors that go outside)
Relax and do the best that you can. No two days are alike, no 2 patients are alike, but a good geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist can help you achieve a better state of emotional balance for your Mom.
(if your mom refuses to see a 'psychiatrist' like most of her generation would do, tell her it is a silly insurance thing that requires ""a"" visit. Most GP's are very good at guiding the visit and easing the concerns of the geriatric patient.)
Best wishes
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Tiredofmom......exactly what I'm dealing with. Except mom is 97. We were never close, but now it's near impossible. At one time, I was with her 5 days a week. I was never happy nor was she. It started affecting my interaction with my husband, who has been so supportive. After speaking with her doctor and my own doctor, we now have caretakers with her, so that I'm down to two days. The days I go are still hard, but I have had to accept that, due to the dementia, she is not my mom anymore. And, through prayer and self reflection, I'm not allowing her to "get" to me.
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I'm in the same boat as you are with my mom, her memory & her nasty mouth. We don't live together, I'd go insane if I couldn't get away from her. When she begins her assaults on me, I get up to leave and it makes her mad, she says "run away like you always do" and I say "i'm not sitting here listening to you insult me, not my idea of fun". I really think my mom enjoys her assaults on me. She's a good old Irish gal, I think fighting comes natural to her! Ugh, your mom is 94, mine is only 81 and other than her forgetfulness is in pretty good health. The confabulations are something that was difficult for me to accept at first, she just spins these stories and talks like she knows what she's saying, it blew my mind the first few times she did that. I gently tried to talk to mom about her memory problems, so she accused me of wanting to convince her she was crazy & 'put her someplace' and get control of her money so I never bring the subject up any more. It makes me crazy to think I could end up like this. I guess they accuse us of not loving them because they need to be reassured you do. Last August my mom attacked me so violently verbally that I cannot tell her I love her now. The words will not come out of my mouth even though I know she does need to hear it. How can I feel love for someone that attacks me so venomously even if it is the disease talking. Best of luck.
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WELCOME TO THE CLUB! - most of us have been there with our parents - keep coming back to this site just to know you are not alone - giving care can feel isolating - try to stay in contact with friends - do something every day for yourself even if it just a bath with candle & a glass of wine [plastic glass]

Teepa Snow has some good videos - google 'TEEPA'S GEMS' - there are 13 just on how to talk to someone with dementia [use of body language etc] - some I have watch more than once - she is the 'dementia whisper'
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Jeannegibbs.....She said her mother said..."I love you but you don't love me."
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Welcome to Aging Care... We didn't move in with my mother, but your story sounds a lot like mine. My mother calls constantly to ask "Why do I have (name) here today? I don't have help every day"... and invents stories - or recounts memories of driving to the store, etc. These people live in their own little fantasy world. Mom's doctor says she is unaware of her condition (Anosognosia is a deficit of self-awareness, a condition in which a person who suffers some disability and seems unaware of their condition) ..and some of it is denial. My mother is very narcissistic - she was a Colonel's wife, and used to being in control. When my dad was dying, I promised I would look after Mom... doing the right thing has ruined my health, wrecked my 'golden years'... be sure to look after yourself. Do look into memory care. Do go back to work, or you'll have nothing in your old age. Take care.
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Yes, Jessie. And I'd fuss at those long-term members of our group if they asked the same questions.

Doing hands-on care for a parent you do not love and/or who does not love you has never made sense to me. So that is the opinion I express. I expect others who have different views will express them, too.
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Barb, the past is water under the bridge. It can't be undone. Now the trick is what to do from this point forward. Your advice on setting a deadline was very good. I know that it is easier said than done for someone who is very old if they are determined to stay in their homes.
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I'm in a similar boat going down the same river. Mom was an avid reader before completely loosing her vision then we switched to books on tape, and she listens to them the entire day. Our conversations often consist of a mix of reality and bits and pieces from the latest books. I use to try to correct her which only made her mad then I had an old wet hen to put up with, but eventually I learned to respond with some benign statement like "oh really " or "well that must have been interesting" and let the rest go. As for real advice, I don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said. And there are many people on this forum with loads of good information. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to caregiving. I'd suggest you use the search engine on this site for specific topics and pick and choose which answers work best for you and your particular situation.
You are not alone here.
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The OP asked " what do I do now?".

I suggested what she can do now ( move out, and arrange for care) and what she should do in the future, should her mother be hospitalized again.

And yes, I was telling the OP and the other folks who read these posts that there are sometimes solutions other than adult/elder children quitting their jobs to caregiver demented, possibly mentally ill parents.
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You guys sound like you're fussing at this person who is in the same position as many in the group.
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Did you not realize when rehab said she couldn't be discharged home to live alone, that was the time to ask " so what alternative living arrangements can be made?".

That was the time to get her into Assisted Living. Just remember that for the next time she goes into the hospital. Please make plans to move out and re-enter the job market.

" Yes, mother, you're right; we've been abusing your hospitality for too long. Husband and I will be moving into our own place June 1. Would you like me to arrange for aides or would you like to tour some Assisted Living facilities?"
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Why? Why did you quit your job to move in and care for this person whom you do not love and don't appreciate all she does - or has EVER in life done for you. Why weren't you as smart, honest, or perceptive as the rest of the family and distance yourself from her? You could certainly be her advocate and see that she gets appropriate care without living with her!

But, sigh, you are living with her. She apparently has the beginnings of dementia, adding to her already unpleasant personality. You are taking her to the doctor. Write you concerns about her memory and cognitive declines briefly and get it to the doctor BEFORE the appointment.

If you insist on caregiving this woman, do it right. Read up on dementia and how to deal with repetition, accusations, fabrications, etc. Save your sanity!
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Thanks Gladimhere, yes that was my intention! : - ))
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I think geewiz means the movie "Still Alice"
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MyMothersKeeper, I related so much to what you said. My mother is pretty much the same way. She has enough grip on reality to fool other people, but not enough to be alone for too long. I don't mention her memory very often. She'll tell me that her memory is gone. Then she'll tell me nothing is wrong with her memory. If I tell her her memory is off, it just makes her mad. She lives in her own reality. What happened five years ago was yesterday to her. When she talks to other people, she invents stories. We visited with friends today and almost everything out of her mouth was fabrication. I have to stop myself from correcting her, telling myself that it doesn't matter. But still it is mind bending to hear all these fabrications.

For me the behavior hasn't really gotten worse over the years, though her health has gone downhill. I don't have any advice to give. You probably don't need any. I know that sometimes we just need to vent to let some of our frustration out.

My mother also says the thing about her "letting" me live in her house. She also lets on that she pays everything. Brother! It is very belittling when they do that. I do think that it an ego defense thing that lets them feel like the matriarch. If they were to remember that they needed help it would be too much to bear.

Vent away! Some of us know what you're saying. I'm lucky because I have two rooms of my own that I can get away from it. I can also leave the house for a few hours at a time. I'd go crazy otherwise.
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Hello and welcome to Aging Care. Many of us have been through the same situations as you. You can get lots of good ideas here - and will.  So let me begin. Your Mom's memory is disappearing but it is important that caregivers do not mention or point out to the person that their memory is gone. They can't help it and (in all honesty) they don't remember that their memory is going!
Caregiving will only get more constant as your Mom moves along this slippery slope. Leaving meds out isn't working? Hand them to her with a glass of water and watch her take them. I never brought my Mom to a doctor for an evaluation, what would it tell me? That she had dementia -heck I already could see that. I did have a geriatric MD see her since I wasn't happy with the long time physician she was seeing. It was a one time visit to address her G.I systems.
You might read books about dementia (The 36 hour day; Hearing the tales about dementia; etc) Have you seen the Movie "My name is Alice?' Well done and you will see some of your Mom in it.
You are living with your Mom as a caregiver and your role is about to step up - big-time! Visit us often and when it becomes too much, you may need to consider a Memory care facility for Mom.
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