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My father passed away almost 3 months ago. But I'm still so angry. Angry at the sibling for not helping more. Angry at myself for not being patient enough and doing more to save my dad. Angry at my grandmother who is still alive but my dad is dead. I know it doesn't make sense. I want so badly to turn back the clock and continue caring for my dad. People around me act like I should be relieved that I no longer have to care or be responsible for my dad's care. It was 24/7 for three years and I was getting burned out, but I never wanted him to die. I want to be rational. But the more I think about it, the more angry I get about the doctors, the nurses, just everyone. I wish I knew how to move past this stage of grief.

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cdnreader--First of all, thanks for being responsive to the answers your friends have posted--so often people ask a question and then we never hear from them again. Next, it's obvious from your post and additional comments that you have done everything you could. About three years I watched my own father go downhill until his death a few months later, and although I did my best to "coax" him to eat, he would take only so much and then shake his head when offered more. From what I've read since, it's apparent that the body begins "shutting down" and no amount of love or coaxing can change this. I miss my father, but I realize I did everything I could. He spent his last 11 months in a nursing home and I came each day to feed him his dinner (often "spoon-feeding"), and after each meal he said "thank you for taking care of me" to which I answered "it's my pleasure". My mother, who is still alive in the nursing home, still asks "why did Dad die?" to which I answer "it's basic Biology 101--the body eventually shuts down and even if we're doing our best, it can't be changed" and "at age 90 one has lived a full life, and this is inevitable whether sooner or later". Perhaps something one does can add a few days or weeks to a loved one's life, but ultimately the process can't be stopped. And sometimes the loved one WANTS it to end.
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cdnreader it will just take time. I was so angry at everyone after my Mom died. The stupid arrogant doctors, my unhelpful siblings, anyone who crossed my path, really. After a while though, the energy that it takes to sustain being angry isn't really worth it and if you can't stifle that anger with an action, then what are you left with. Just a bunch of pent up frustration and nothing to quell it. I sent an angry e-mail to the hospital regarding the doctor and was cool to my siblings for a while but at the end of the day, they didn't care and it wasn't helping me.

Just give it time..........come on here and vent to your heart's content. Put your energy to better use. There are grief support groups out there. They say anger is one of the stages of grief. Do you have supportive people in your life who would understand? 3 months is not a long time. Give yourself a moment.............
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Thank you windytown and BlackHole for your insights and sharing your experiences with me. And giving me perspective. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight. Thank you for your kindness. I know I have to move past the anger, guilt and regrets, but some days its vicious cycle of what-ifs. My mind will not let it go. I still have hope that with more time I will stop torturing myself about the past.
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My Mom is still alive. I pray she passes before her money runs out which will be July unless her house sells. I don't want her in a NH if it can be helped. She has Dementia. She I not happy. She is 88 has lived a good long life. The only thing I may regret is I have no patience and have a hard time dealing with it all. It's just me. I think anger is natural and it's only been three months. A support group may help. Some churches have them.
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cdnreader, If it makes you feel any better, sometimes you do have to give up. I'm at that stage with my mom. She is the most stubborn person on earth and makes horrible decisions for herself like refusing medical care and physical therapy for decades.

I am making sure she is not in pain and getting her medical care now that things are critical. On her own, she always made bad choices but I could not force her to do anything. Many people questioned me over the years about why I didn't take care of this or that concerning her health. She flat out refused and made me out to be the bad guy because I couldn't figure out a way to 'make' her go to a doctor.

Know you did your best and let go of the guilt. Some parents are just too stubborn to their own detriment.
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It's been over a year since mom passed. Anger was a huge part of my anticipatory grief and my real grief. Anger is still with me, to some degree.

The whys and wherefores are different for all of us. My mom refused to pursue a diagnosis for her progressive loss of balance, dexterity and strength. Hostilely refused.

Mom's version of I'M FINE, I'M FINE was falling constantly in a house full of steps.... reducing her diet to yogurt, sandwiches and microwave foods.... freezing out all of her friends (and freezing out their concern about her self-neglect).... hoarding.... enlisting neighbors to help her out of jams and swearing them to secrecy.... enlisting one other relative or me to help with correspondence, bill-paying, a chore of her choosing -- then brusquely dismissing us, because we were witnessing too much of her unsafe "independence."

Mom had top-notch health insurance, a long-term care policy, 3 paid-off homes and a robust IRA portfolio. And she lived like the Little Matchstick Girl. It drove me insane.

People who knew that mom was financially secure would constanly ask me, "Why doesn't SHE do this-that-the other?" People who believed my mother's poor-mouthing would constantly ask me, "Why don't YOU do this-that-the other?"

Not one person was perceptive enough to say, "It really sukks that your mom's refusal to get a diagnosis means that you are denied 50% of your parental health history."

I could go on. Settling mom's estate is taking a heck of a long time. The old memories trigger and the frustrations recycle. There's sadness mixed in, too, naturally. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin.
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I believe that anger is a natural stage of grieving for someone or something. In this case, grieving over the loss of your father. I am so sorry for your loss and understand your need to lash out. I also understand the guilt you feel. When my grandmother died, I felt so much hurt that I was angry, I think, as a way to relieve the hurt. And I felt guilty. I should have done more--spent more time with her--did a better job of taking care of her. In reality, though, I did the very best job I could and I couldn't have loved her more than I did and still do. Allow yourself to feel your loss and the feelings attached to it. It is a normal and universal process. And know that you did the very best you could in a very difficult situation. May God send you peace...
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cdnreader, You are more than welcome. I know how hard it can be. It still is for me too......but like you said, after a while everyone expects you to move on and sometimes you feel like if you try to move on that you are somehow betraying your loved one's memory. But think of it like this. People who truly love you want you to be happy and move on.

I also know what you mean about not trusting. I went to a support group before my Mom even started to decline cause I knew that I would need to learn some coping skills. In the end, I chose to start taking a mild, (very mild) antidepressant which got me over the hump so to speak. Whatever works for you. Find another counselor if you can. Keep looking until you find the right one. Come on here. Private message me anytime you like.
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Cdnreader It is important to bear in mind that it is We the Carers Who grieve the most when Those Who We Loved pass away, as We Loved Them so much that We cared for Them. You Dad knew that You Loved Him very much because You Cared for Him 24/7 for three years. You should feel very proud of Yourself. The grief will pass and it will get easier. Think back and remember all those beautiful times You and Your Dad enjoyed together. I Lost My Mum Who I Cared for 24/7 for three years last June, and I cried an ocean of tears for three months. Then one day I began to feel the joy come back into My Life. It does become easier. Cndreader can You imagine how sad and Lonely Your dear Grandmother feels ? She needs You now more than ever.
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Thank you for all your kind replies. I truly appreciate it. All your words of encouragement and support mean a lot. I know I need to carry on. Thinking of you all and I am eternally grateful.
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