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Since beginning my caregiver journey, I have noticed that I’m not excited about things I love anymore. I have learned to set boundaries and put myself first but the damage has already been done. I’m in counseling but can’t afford to go weekly which would really benefit me. I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else is experiencing this?

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I agree, I have changed. I feel trapped, although my two are in facilities, it keeps both me and my brother from moving somewhere else, or just becoming Florida Snowbirds.

The stress alone has changed me and I am no spring chicken either, age 76. My nasty mother is in her 99th year, no dementia, just not a nice person. Stepmother in MC, age 86 and can live for many years yet.

Never dreamed that this would be my "Golden Years"!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 20, 2024
You seem to have longevity in your family like I have in mine. I wanted to slap people who said that they hoped my mom would live to be 100!

When people made the comment to my mom that she would live to be 100, she would say, “I certainly hope that I don’t!” She was ready to die long before she did at age 95. Parkinson’s disease is brutal in the latter stages. Mom’s brother also had Parkinson’s disease and he lived until he was 96.

My great aunts all lived into their late 90’s, surprisingly in good health.

As well as my cousin who recently died at age 101! Her body finally gave out. No walker, no wheelchair, she was a tiny little spitfire! The woman drove and went to her high school reunion up until she was 100 years old! She was invited to attend class reunions as the oldest former student.

I don’t think that I want to live as long as many of the women in my family.
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Yes, After a while . I isolated myself , did not keep in touch with people . Did not feel like going anywhere . I had nothing to add to conversation . Did not want to bore people with talking about caregiving .
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Hothouseflower Feb 21, 2024
I hear you, that is what is happening to me. Between my parents' situation and now my son-in-law walking out on his family and having to be more present because my daughter needs more help, I don't have a damn good thing to say about anything anymore. I don't want to be social at all.
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I had recently retired, got a great PT job, ran for City Council in my town, and established a YouTube page of videos. I was going to night clubs, recording bands to help with their promo. I had a spotless house and lots of activities with friends. I even baked cupcakes and spread them among friends during the pandemic.

When my Ex crashed and burned from an apparent mini-stroke, it all stopped. I had to quit my new job, lost my Council seat by 700 votes (after getting 6,000). I was overwhelmed with helping him clean up his hoarded condo, to get it sold. My house and garage are now filled with his junk, and he doesn't lift a finger around here. To get him into a VA home, I had to arrange and drive him to numerous doctor appts, make calls, fill out forms and cook and do dishes constantly.

I miss my musician friends and their concerts. I miss working on videos, doing photos and side jobs. I'm stuck inside my now cluttered home and hate it. Every time I tried to get away a few days, I never could.

I used to be so excited about being invited to so many events, dressing up and being basically a local celebrity. Now I'm old and tired. I'm never happy about much anymore. I pretend to be happy as the VA stalls and drags out housing a Vietnam Combat Veteran with no siblings or family left. I've been at this 2 years in December, and I get so depressed I can't even think.

I'm doing a Trust to make sure nobody ever gets stuck being a caregiver for me.
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Annanell Feb 23, 2024
Why do you feel so responsible for an ex? Am I missing something?
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I noticed that caretaking is like a Greek tragedy that requires a full syringe of dark humor every once in awhile. With me, it's witty sarcasm. I couldn't live without it.
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I think everyone here has felt exactly like you do. I know I certainly did.

My life was a living hell when I was living with my mother and being her caregiver. In fact, I was at a point where I had given up on myself and became a totally different person. Even less than a shell of the person I was. Now mind you I did caregiving as work for 25 years and it was well enough, but being back home and dealing with my mother who truly needed help and it wasn't her hypochondria and other mental illnesses, all but destroyed me.

I had isolated myself from my friends and family. Her negativity, instigating, gaslighting, verbal abuse, manipulation, berating and belitting on a daily basis stripped me bare of all the things that made me myself and I gave up.

I was able to drag myself out of that hole with the help of my ex-husband, my son, and a lot of hard work on my part. Everyone needs help though.
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faithfulbeauty Feb 20, 2024
@Burntcaregiver,
Its awful! Between the trauma from my childhood and now having to be there for him when he wasn’t there for me is almost unbearable. The latest thing is that he won’t always wear a pull-up because he doesn’t want to and it causes me to have to change the linens on his bed several times per week at times and dealing with soiled clothes. If it were not for this forum and a few good friends and a family member, I couldn’t make it
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I have. I will not bore people here with details again, but in my case it has totally sucked the life and joy out of me, so no, you are not alone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 22, 2024
Hey, Karsten.

How are you doing these days? What is the latest news regarding your mom?
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Yes. I feel like my life is over and there is nothing to look forward to.
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faithfulbeauty Mar 2, 2024
I pray we can both come out of this but I understand the feeling of nothing to look forward to.
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It’s called, ‘depression’ which can drain everything from us as caregivers. I was seriously depressed when I was a full time caregiver.

We can’t do this job alone. We need help, either from an agency or a facility.
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faithfulbeauty Feb 20, 2024
@NeedHelpWithMom,
There is one lady who helps out but she also has another job. I’m searching for other help. I looked at myself in the mirror and I don’t even look the same. My eating habits are terrible because I often “stress eat” which has caused weight gain. Most agencies are very expensive but something is going to have to be done.
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“ I isolated myself , did not keep in touch with people . Did not feel like going anywhere . I had nothing to add to conversation” (@Way). I feel the same way, plus I just about jump out of my skin when I get a text or call. I’m snappish because I’m so on edge. I feel like even if the burden were lifted tomorrow it would a long road back, or maybe I will never go back to the person I was before.
I also kind of resent the people who said call me anytime and then fell off the face of the earth. I really couldn’t use the help they were offering because they can’t do hands on with mom’s toileting issues. But just a text once in a while saying they’re thinking of me would be nice.
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faithfulbeauty Feb 22, 2024
Caregiving makes you feel alone because the only people who truly understand are the people who have been there. In my experience, there are people who think I should quit my job, sell my home, get rid of my pets and become my dad's fulltime caregiver. The toileting issues are tough, especially when you are trying to help someone and they refuse to wear pull ups etc that will help with the issue.
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Now that my very difficult MIL has passed I am watching my Dh very slowly coming back to being 'him'.

I hadn't realized how severely the stress of CG for his mom had affected him. He was (well, still is) very, very depressed.

But the night after the funeral, as we sat around with all of our kids and the men began planning a very epic golf weekend on some premier courses--he came to life! He CAN go for a week for a golfing trip with his favorite guys! Seeing and hearing him be enthusiastic about something was like music to my ears. I hope he spends a lot of money and eats too much and has the greatest time.

He's been so depressed for so long, I am not sure he will understand how great joy can feel. He was a dutiful son and brother and that is almost all over now. He is the executor for his mom's estate, but it's going to be fairly easy.

The last year, all he did was care for his mom, run to her house every time she fell (frequently!) and try to deal with her ever changing moods and demands. Yes, he did get some golfing in, but hanging over any and all activities were his mother's needs.

I have great hopes for him to be able to move on and find the funny, nice guy I married underneath all the FOG.
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Hothouseflower Feb 23, 2024
I’m so glad DH is finding his way back.
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