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My husband needs help with everything. Well it’s been a while now he has been very verbally abusive. Threatens to kill me and just angry and mean. Dr. put him on a sedative and today was his first time taking it. He wanted to sleep and wasn’t understanding anything I was trying to do for him. It’s better than all the screaming and such but, I kind of hope he gets used to them so he’s just mellower and still awake. I’m hopeful of a good night sleep tonight. But doing this at home is hard work and I am taking advice from my team of doctors at the VA.

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Neecey,

I feel for you. You are accepting abuse that no one should be subjected to and doing so on a daily basis.

Now you have a verbally abusive husband who will be harder manage because he's sedated and less able - although perhaps a tad more willing - to respond to commands during cares.

I would seek VA SNF placement for him ASAP and begin to live your life and care for yourself. You can love him while not being subjected to abuse or responsible for his 24/7 cares.

I have to wonder what love can be left after so much abuse and wear and tear, but I'm not a saint. Please take care of yourself.
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Neecey Nov 2022
Hoping the meds level him out. He was the best husband and father you could ever ask for. He has severe ptsd and with dementia it is hell. Trying to get him leveled out. This morning he is more himself. I am hopeful. He helped me care for my mom and dad and supported me taking care of my brother with never a complaint. I would like to do the same for him. I’m no saint and I can get angry back. I just would love to keep him home where he loves it with his dogs.
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It sounds like it's time to place your husband in the appropriate facility, so you can get back to just being his wife and advocate.
You have to now do not only what is best for him but also what is best for you, and I think you already know that placing him is best for you both.
I wish you the very best.
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Here's a link that might help you find a nursing facility for him. https://www.va.gov/geriatrics/pages/Nursing_Home_and_Residential_Services.asp

You might want to ask for a sleep aid yourself. It sounds so hard, what you're going through. Hang in there.
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Neecey Nov 2022
I have one picked out if I have to. But he was a wonderful husband and father and I told him as long as I can do it I will. Last night was so much better. He was more like the old husband. He has ptsd from all the wars and I know a lot of it is that. But I want to care for him as long as I can. He was so good when I took care of my brother who passed and my mom and dad who passed years ago. He was always there to help. Never complaining. This disease sucks.
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Neecey, when was the last time your hubby was tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can cause older people to have all sorts of behaviors such as being angry, mean, abusive, and it can also mimic dementia.

It would be well worth getting your hubby to his primary doctor for a UTI test, which is very simple. Such an infection can be fixed with antibiotics. If the test comes back negative, then you will need to decide what is your best move.
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“it’s been a while now he has been very verbally abusive. Threatens to kill me and just angry and mean.”

I just want to say:

You are not alone. I think unfortunately it’s VERY common: an elderly LO becomes mean, threatening, etc.
(whatever the cause may be)
(illness, or whatever)

A friend of mine is going through that with his father right now. Mean, threatening. The doctor evaluated; medicine given. Less screaming.

I wish you well, and my friend.

Whatever nasty things they’re saying, it’s not your fault.
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