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My wife (F50) and I (M53), who both suffer from anxiety and depression already, are taking care of her mother (F70). My wife is an only child. MIL is firmly in the moderate to severe spectrum of the disease (more toward severe). She has also lived with us for 25+ years and gets a meager SSN check each month. We have power of attorney.


We already live paycheck to paycheck, so paying for assisted living is not possible for us right now. Maybe 2 years down the road we could, but right now no. The problem is I work remotely and trying to perform my job while keeping her from doing things she shouldn't has become a task I don't know if I can keep on doing. We can't afford for either of us to leave our job to be full time caregivers. I don't want to lose my job trying to also take care of her.


I am probably going to look for a therapist for myself. I don't think I would ever do anything bad, but I must be honest that I no longer know how to find peace.


How do we get help? What are our options? We live in Virginia now but moved here recently from KY. MIL has a sister, but she can barely take care of herself on disability.


It has gotten to the point where neither of us would be very upset to have her out of the house. We feel bad about that, but we don't know what else to do.

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Contact your local Senior Service Center or Area Agency on Aging and see if they have programs that might help.
They may have a Social Worker that could help with application for Medicaid if that is a possibility. (sounds like it might be)

If MIL qualifies for Hospice you would have help with supplies and the equipment that you need. A Nurse would come 1 time a week, more often if needed. A CNA would come 2 times a week to give her a bath or shower and order supplies.


If MIL's husband was a Veteran she may qualify for services from the VA (remote possibility)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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No one expects you to pay for your MIL to go into care. If she's on SSI, she is also on Medicaid. Medicaid pays for long term care.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Grandma1954 Jun 21, 2024
being Social Security does not necessarily mean she is on Medicaid does it? I know lots of people on Social Security but they are not on Medicaid.
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You need to apply for Medicaid for your MIL today, so the ball can get rolling in getting her placed in a memory care facility that takes Medicaid sooner than later.
With you and your wife both suffering from depression and you having some not very healthy thoughts, you can no longer go on caring for MIL in your house.
Good Lord...she has lived with you for 25+ years already, I'd be losing my mind too, and especially now that she has dementia.
There is help out there. You can call your local Area Agency on Aging, and they can help you. Also just calling your MIL's doctor can get the ball rolling in getting her placed and the social workers at all of facilities can help you with the Medicaid process if needed.
You and your wife should never have to pay one penny towards your MIL's care. That will have to now be on the government since she doesn't have much money.
Please don't feel bad about wanting her out of your house, you and your wife both deserve now to finally have some peace after all these years.
But please don't neglect your own mental health. Do whatever you need to to get back on the road of joy and peace.
God bless you all.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I absolutely agree with Burnt. Your MIL needs to be in care. As far as being able to afford ALF in the future, you are not to put your savings towards your MIL care. If you are in your 50s and not yet saving for your own age you need to understand that even with good health you are likely going to need 1M each to be in good ALF for your last years. We live way too long.

Your MIL is only 70. She could conceivably live another two decades. This is not sustainable for he two of you. She needs now to begin the application process for Medicaid in your state. I doubt there is any difficulty with her failing to quality.

My best to you. Don't throw some of the best and most free years of your life on the burning funeral pyre of someone who, sadly, has had her life. There are people qualified, ready and able to care for her.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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iameli Jun 27, 2024
Indeed. If OP is barely making ends meet now, paying for MIL's care is going to devastate their retirement prospects. Medicaid and nursing home placement are needed now.
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Don’t think the financial burden in on you. There are many programs available for your mil. Once most of her money is gone the state will
start picking up the fee.
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Reply to Sample
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I am praying for you and your wife. This is going to sound so harsh but…..
When my Dad was failing after a couple of years I couldn’t take care of him. His nurse that came told me I needed to take care of me. And the next time he fell or got hurt to call an ambulance let them take him to the hospital. You go and tell the doctors you can’t take care of him. And walk away! Was so hard to do that but it was the best for him and me. I got my sanity back and he got taken care of better than I alone could take care of him.
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Reply to Helpforcare
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If your MIL has moderate to severe dementia, she should go to a memory care facility. If she has no assets and nothing but a small ss check coming in, she should qualify for Medicaid in the state of Virginia.

Find a memory care facility nearby and ask them to help her apply for Medicaid so that she can be admitted. There should be a social worker who can assist with this process. Many facilities will go ahead and admit her as "Medicaid pending". It is nearly impossible to try and work full time while taking care of someone with dementia.

NOTE: Never sign that you are financially liable for the nursing home bill. Get medical and financial power of attorney so that you can sign on her behalf. Then always sign as poa.
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Reply to Jamesj
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PeggySue2020 Jun 27, 2024
Memory cares overwhelmingly don’t take Medicaid, and as mom has dementia, she can’t assign a poa anymore.
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Agree with what has been said. You and wife need to live the best part of your lives now. It might sound cruel but don't even consider spending your income which you will need for your own "old age" on your MIL. She would want you to live your lives also.
Each state administers Medicaid slightly differently but if she had only her social security and no assets, she should qualify for Medicaid in any state. You need to get her doctor or better yet a neurologist or geriatric doctor to give her a complete physical to see what her mental status is currently as she may or may not be appropriate for Assisted Living at this juncture. In NJ relatively few ALs or MCs accept Medicaid for initial entries (some may accept Medicaid after a resident has been a private pay for 2 years) however, there are SNF/LTC facilities that have MC units on their site. Contact your local Office on Aging to:
*get a list of a facilities
*begin the Medicaid application for MIL

One of your first steps will be to get a current physical and mental evaluation of your MIL. That will point you toward the right direction for a facility for her. At the same time, contact the Office on Aging to get information on resources and a possible social worker who can help you sort through things.
*Remember, if MIL can't sign for herself, you sign ONLY as her POA!!!!!
Take care of yourself and get the counseling you need. You can do this. It's like riding out the storm to see the brilliance of the sun after the dark clouds.
Peace and please keep us updated on how things are progressing
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Reply to geddyupgo
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You could contact an elder care attorney near you and see if you can get her on Medicaid. It’s a process that you will need help with, so a specialist in elder is a must. If she has less then $2000.00 in assets, she should qualify, but there’s lots of rules that vary by state, so please only get advice from a attorney in your state that handles elder care issues. Medicaid will pay for nursing home.

Or call your local Area Agency on Aging (Google them) and they can help you maybe get hospice care in your home (Medicare pays for that). It wouldn’t be full time help, but any help is good. They can also advise on if you could qualify for any grants to help you financially to hire a care giver at home. Besides nursing help, hospice also offers a social worker, who can also help and even a chaplain that comes to your home.

Remember, hospice is not just for end of life, they also offer palliative care. A hospice evaluation is free and they will tell you if you qualify. Again, contact your Area Agency on Aging to get started.
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Reply to Donttestme
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It sounds like you should apply for Medicaid for your MIL and look for a Medicaid facility for her.

In the meantime, contact the Alzheimer's Association for ideas and support that might be available in your area. The Alz Assoc is very helpful with ideas and resources for caretakers even when the patient is not specifically diagnosed with Alzheimers.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Have you called Medicaid?
Who is your MIL's MD?
Sounds like she needs to go to a nursing home ASAP.
Call Medicaid immediately. Is this her insurance now?

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Ooptions are limited.
1.) Can bring in Home Health, covered by MediCare.
2.) If your relative has to have a hospitalization, and stays overnight 3 nights------there could possibly be 21 days at a Nursing Home, No Cost.
3.) Can get a Hospice Evaluation, and see if she may qualify for Hospice at home. (More care is provided than Home Health).
4.) Get your relative qualified for MediCaid. And see if there are any nursing homes that will take her as Medicare/Medicaid.
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Reply to Scooter2023
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You are not expected to pay for your MIL's care. She pays, and if her SS income is not enough, she applies for Medicaid, if she doesn't have it already.
Medicaid pays for the cost of care for income eligible patients who can no longer care for themselves. You will probably have options: A paid caregiver who comes to the home, ( sometimes a family member can be the paid caregiver), or placement in a Nursing Home. I am not sure whether Medicaid pays for Assisted Living, I think not.
Your MIL's social security income will go entirely toward the cost, then medicaid makes up the difference that she can't afford. So if you have been counting on her income to help with your household expenses, prepare to get by without that extra income.
Depending on the Home Based Community Services program in the state where you live, in some states you could keep mom at home, and be paid to be her full time caregiver. That will help to replace your lost income if you have to leave your job. But, check first what they will pay for, and what her spend-down cost will be before you consider quitting your job to stay home with her.

We lived in Minnesota when my 54 yr old husband, bedridden after a stroke, was kicked out of the nursing home for his behavior. I ended up quitting my job to stay home with him and was able to be paid for 40 hours of caregiving a week. The county social worker determined the amount of his SS disability which had to be spent down before Medicaid benefits could be paid, including my income. But in our case, it was enough for us to live on, since all his medical supplies were 100% paid for - medications, diapers, wipes, Boost Nutritional drink, and he was allowed a portion of his SS income due to our income and expenses.

Every state runs their medicaid program differently. I'm not familiar with Virginia's handling of funds for home caregiving.

My husband and I have since moved to Arizona. I am still able to be paid as his full time caregiver, but the state's rules are a little different.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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fkmalone: YOU do not use your financials for your MIL's care. She pays for her own care.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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With Alzheimer's, highly unlikely she can go to assisted living. AL is for folks who need very minimal care.

Call NHomes in your area that can handle memory issues if you need facility care for her now. Apply for Medicaid to pay for difference of her income and cost of facility. She'll have to have less than $2k (or little more depending on your state) in bank accts.

State will look back 5 years at bank accts and properties to see if she has given assets away or sold property below mkt value. If yes, the AMT determines penalty period before Medicaid starts paying.
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Reply to my2cents
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Lots of information here - or at least its a good start:

Look at this website:

https://www.debt.org/medical/financial-help-alzheimers-dementia/#:~:text=Here%20are%20some%20other%20sources,%2C%20food%2C%20utilities%20and%20more.

In part, it says:

Does Medicaid Cover Dementia Care?

Yes, Medicaid can cover care for Alzheimer’s and dementia. But you must qualify for the federal program, which has different requirements in each state. Medicaid, which can cover all or a portion of nursing home or long-term care costs, is typically available to individuals or families who have low income and low cash assets.

For specifics, you can search online by state
http://medicaid.gov or
call 1-800-633-4227.

The State Medical Assistance office should also have information on how to qualify for Medicaid in your state.

Medicaid’s income eligibility requirement sometimes involves a three-year “look back,’’ where representatives investigate a family’s financial history to see if assets were transferred or sold below cost in order to become eligible for Medicaid.

Not all providers accept Medicaid, so contact individual providers before beginning treatment. Visit the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services website for contact information to local Medicaid offices.

Meanwhile, Medicare, the federal health-insurance program for people 65 and older, can cover some (but not all) of the services needed for Alzheimer’s and dementia. Medicare generally helps with acute care, doctor visits, prescription drugs, hospital stays and short stays in a skilled nursing facility. It usually doesn’t pay for long-term care.

Some Alzheimer’s patients can meet specific eligibility requirements for Medicare assistance. For more information
www.medicare.gov
call 1-800-633-4227

If too overwhelming for you, ask if there are (medical) social workers or people skilled in this area (professionals) to help you.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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I was shocked by the final sentence of your question: “It has gotten to the point where neither of us would be very upset to have her out of the house. We feel bad about that, but we don't know what else to do”. You need to toughen up, lots! This comes across as 'you don't really care one way or the other'. If you go to any public funder with the line “neither of us would be very upset to have her out of the house”, you will be shoved very quickly into agreeing to keep her, upset or not. You need to be adamant that YOU CANNOT KEEP HER.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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MargaretMcKen Jul 9, 2024
I'm just wondering if your wife is going around the bend, but it doesn't have much impact on you. Unfortunately, that's the way some marriages work.
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